Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Brilhancy and Henry, Just to let you know that I am still alive this morning and as suspected I could understand what both of you wrote to me last night. I can see more clearly this morning.
It is true that FEAR distorts our ability to comprehend. And that is what it was yesterday afternoon for me — FEAR, pure unadulterated FEAR.
It’s gone today. I know what I have to do.
As a sideline, I am grateful to know that so many of you were in your 50’s before you saw the dystunction in your parent. I truly think that my adult children started to contact me last month was their enlightenment about their father — and the other daughter a year ago.
I take yesterday’s threats against them for contacting me as EX’s last attempt to frighten ME into “submission”. AHA! Won’t work this time!! I’m stronger!!
And I trust God to protect my children. None of them are “dumbies” and all are capable of taking care of themselves. I did give them all a firm foundation (or the best I could do anyway.)
I think my mother instincts were overworked yesterday — and although I am TIRED of all this, I do accept that “pain caused by a sociopath (narcissiopath) isn’t going to stop.”
Well, the pain can be conquered, even if it happens over and over again. Each triumph over the fear will make me stronger still.
Thornbud & ANewLily,
I also had a bad time with NSAIDs. I was prescribed them for muscle aches. Stupid move on my part as I was in the throes of high anxiety, panic attacks, excessive acid production in my gi, so I should have known not to take those meds.
Sure enough, those drugs are what set off the suffering that caused me to visit a GI and she told me I needed the endoscopic procedure to see if I have an ulcer. Like I said up there, no ulcer but extreme gastritis that is not in any way a fun time.
She gave me a prescription of Nexxium but each pill was 2-3 dollars and I couldn’t afford them. My older sister is an RN and she’s the one to recommend OTC prilosec for my tummy problems.
Within a couple of months of taking it, my stomach acid dropped way low and I was able to eat without any heartburn, vomiting, or gas.
I’m not a doctor. All I can tell you is what works for me. And prilosec is a wonder drug for me.
And ANewLily, sweetie I don’t know anything about Align but Prilosec is fairly cheap compared to other acid reducers. For a 14 day regime it costs me 10 to 15 dollars (depends on the store I’m buying it). Pretty darn inexpensive for all the help it provides me.
ANewLily,
I think many if not all of us on LF can totally relate to your current feelings of despair, sorrow and grief. I know, doll. For many years the anxiety and depression was a daily struggle for me. I was too stubborn, or ignorant to seek outside intervention from a lisenced therapist. And when in times of crisis, where the pain I felt was overwhelming and I reached out to my love ones, it terrified them. It alienated them because they had no idea what was wrong with me.
I admit when I was burdened with such emotional/psychological turmoil that I started to resent them for not offering me the help I needed. Now I realize that they did the best they could and they are not professionals. That even though I felt they abandoned me they continued to fiercely love and care for me.
I needed to fix my own broken self. I think I just got so sick and tired of being sick and tired. So afraid of every little thing even my own shadow. So terrified of the cruel words people said to me as my skin was as transparent as gossamer. It felt like sharp knives cutting into my heart everytime I was let down or betrayed by a friend, family member or a lover. Of course, when you’re despondent even the tiniest ant hill can seem as insurmountable is Mt. Everest.
I’ve spoken on here regarding my spiritual surrender to The Lord and how liberated, free, peaceful I began to feel after I willingly submitted myself to His will. He is a loving, caring, merciful God and if I shared the miracles I have witnessed that have been directed to me, you folks might consider me a loony bird. I wouldn’t blame you. I am still in awe over these miracle that have transpired over a couple of decades.
What I’m saying to you, ANewLily, that by surrendering to a Higher Power, choosing to not go it alone any longer, I AM free. I experienced joy for the first time 4 years ago and you talk about an addictive feeling, wow! Aint’ nothing like it in this world expect for the combination of love. Real, deep, fortified, soul enriching love.
Love for life, love for people, love for critters, love for me and love for The Triune God.
Just please don’t give up on yourself. Don’t submit, don’t give in to those horrible feelings created, caused by the evil humanoid. He’s not worth the salt in your tears. Be contemptuous, be loathing towards him. THAT’s what he deserves from you right now. Because he never, ever deserved such an awesome, beautiful, brilliant woman like you.
With my sincerest love and concern for you,
JS
JaneSmith, I have a huge smile on my face to read your words, “and if I shared the miracles I have witnessed that have been directed to me, you folks might consider me a loony bird.” Me, too! But you and I know we are not “loony birds.” I believe others, if not all, know it, too, because they, too, have experienced the miracles.
I just want to reassure you that my love for the Triune God and His love for me helped me (again) through the terrible fear I felt yesterday afternoon. He is surely the One who wouldn’t let me start the car. PTL.
I don’t think I have ever felt that intense a fear as I did yesterday afternoon. My instinct was to flee from it, instead of facing it. Bad instinct!!!!
Today, in the light of day, God has directed me to a plan of what I need to do about the threat to kill my children for them contacting me. That was a LIE from the DEVIL himself, an idle threat of a coward!!
So, THANK YOU for your “sincerest love and concern” foe me and may us “Loony birds” flourish and spread the Light through the Darkness!!
Awww…my heart is overflowing with deep affection and care for you, ANewLily.
See? You are so very strong, capable, awesome in heart, mind and spirit. You GO, lovely lady!!
**a big squeezing hug for you!!**
xxooxxoo!!
🙂
Wow, JaneSmith, what validating words — and the hug, too.
I love to give and receive hugs. I even have a t-shirt a friend made for me that says, “Hug Therapist.”
HUGS BACK TO YOU!!!
Jane and others,
My days of daily struggle against the fear, pain, despair, and grief are in the past. I pray that everyone else’s fear, pain, despair, and grief will soon be in their past, too!!!!!!!!!
Now they (mostly fear for my children) only come periodically and “out of the blue” as the long years of physical abuse did.
There is healing in God’s “wings.”
Dear Lily,
I’ve been having some internet access, getting kicked off, my priavte e mail not working (at all) and other things so hadn’t been on much (kept losing posts I had written)–anyway, i am so sorry, dear, that you have been experiencing such fear, sadness and despair. I know the stories that have been your LIFE for several years now, the difficult health issues, broken bones, lack of support, feelings of grief and loss, confusion about what all was going on, fear of your safety etc. If you reacted to any of this, much less ALL of this, “normally” you would NOT BE NORMAL. LOL Your reactions are what is TO BE EXPECTED….in this kind of horrible crisis and chaotic situation. You are in COMBAT. Your X is the “evil war lord” who would hurt you if and all he could. BUT, I know that you have the ARMOR OF GOD and that you wear this proudly. Lily, you must TRUST as gideon did, that even with so few troops that he would overcome the HUGE ARMIES against him. If Gideon hadn’t TRUSTED then he would have lost. “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that Love the Lord”—-we must TRUST that promise from our God, Lily.
Lily, your children are ADULTS with wills and choices of their own. If they really wanted contact with you, they woujld have conctacted you no matter WHAT their father said. If they DID believe that you were the crazy one and he was “mr. nice guy” (which, frankly, knowing you as well as I do and what yo uhave said about them in the past, I don’t for one minute believe) Your X “threatening” to kill him if they ever had contact with you again, I think, too is an IDLE NARCISSISTIC RAGE-THREAT for him. I don’t think he has the COURAGE to attack someone who is ABLE and/or willing to Fight back, much less defend themselves. I think he is jusT POSTURING and STRUTTING and trying to REGAIN CONTROL, which them contacting you shows he has LOST. Actually, I think his RAGING AND THREATENING is going to BACK FIRE ON HIM and show any of your kids that ARE TRULY DUPED the TRUTH and they will see what he is vs. what you are. Those of your kids that are LIKE HIM to one degree or another, are “gone” and “lost” to you just like my P-son is “gone” and “lost” to me.
I no longer have TOXIC and FUTILE HOPE that eh will “see the light” because I know that in his mind, heart, and soul there IS NO LIGHT. It is only since I have accepted this TRUTH and quit HOPING for a “miracle” (that never comes) that i can be at PEACE with the situation. The PAIN HAS ENDED, because I no longer expect anything except WHAT IS.
Pain comes when there is a difference between EXPECTATION AND HOPE versus REALITY.
Your REALITY vs your EXPECTATIONS is out of sync where your kids are concerned. I ACCEPTED THE REALITY that my son is forever lost to me, if per chance, lightening struck him and his prison doors opened like St. Paul’s did (or was it St. Peter?–doesn’t matter which or both) and my P-son stepped out of that prison a SAINT complete with white robe and a halo and a voice coming from the sky saying “he has repented” then, and only then, might I believe it. HOPING FOR THAT MIRACLE which I did for so many years, kept me in despair and pain. ACCEPTING the REALITY OF WHAT IS was what freed me from pain. You know I love you, Lily, sister of my heart ((((hugs))) and God watch over you.
Oh, Oxy, I don’t think you are “getting it” fully but I have to leave for a doctor’s appointment, actually now LOL, so don’t have time to “explain” yesterday’s fear.
Let me just say that all of the news articles of men actually killing their children doesn’t help me “cope” with a possible idle threat!!!!