Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Brilhancy:
“If they were bad when leaving with us they will get even worse once they leave us ..they will try to hurt us even more . They love the power game” the love to see us in pain” The best lesson I learnt is to dismiss them completely.
Don’t try to argue, to reason to be civilised. They do not know what those things are. The more you try to negotiate with them.. you are feeding their sick ego. DISMISS THEM completely. THEY HATE THAT. If there are children involved forget about… child maitenance They have a great pleasure in denying that to you. Give bread and water to the kids ..they will be better off. If you have to, give up everything and run.. ..Forget about courts ..the legal system will drain the little bit you have left and also your energy. GIVE and run and DISMISS. That approach worked very well for me and my children .. we never asked for 1 cent and I even never mentioned child support. …The S has no life and no goals, so time spent in Court and fighting gives them a lot of pleasure because they know you have your mind still hooked on them. They still have control over you , your souls and your mind. DO NOT GIVE THEM this pleasure”.
Brilhancy you have said this BRILLIANTLY!! This is what i did and it is the best thing i ever did in my life. It saved ONE of my childrens life! If I hadn’t done this he would have ended up like my older two. I am so proud that i did exactly as you have written here. Because it was one of the HARDEST things I did in my life time! IT TOOK MY WHOLE LIFETIME! And to do this is such a sacrifice and for me it WORKED 100%. i have a beautifyl loving caring young 20 year old son, and he is only like this because WE GOT AWAY IN THE MANNER YOU SUGGEST! I left NO STONE UNTURNED TO GET HIM OUT OF OUR LIFE.
I didn’t do it with the older two kids and i am paying for the consequences of that now. I have just come to terms that my oldest daughter is a p. She has the face of an angel and can cry at a seconds notice.
I once spoke to her father (when she was a teenager) about helping me to boost her self esteem as she was portraying the ” I’m so ugly no one wants me” to get money out of me”. At the time i believed her act. (She knows her greatest asset is her innocent angelic face).
Her father snarled at me cruelly and said, “I know what to tell her”.
I only see all this in retrospect. I had no idea they would both go off together and have a “mums insane” party yet again, while i handed over the dollars.
I have pinned OXYS statement:
“Lily, your children are ADULTS with wills and choices of their own. If they really wanted contact with you, they would have contacted you no matter WHAT their father said.” up because this is what i need to come to terms with with my middle son.
I am no closer to believing this than i was 6 months ago.However i have done a huge amount of work on myself in regard to my sick p daughter and “LETTING HER GO INTO THE ETHERS BACK TO GOD” because all i feel at the moment to her is grief and anger.
But to my middle son, who NEVER contacts me except mothers day, my birthday and Christmas day, for one awkward ten minute conversation, I still am paddling up the river NILE as fast as I can go. Zi am just not ready to deal with ANYTHING in regard to loss of “my 12 year old boy” who is now 27 and I havn’t been bonded with him since he was 12. When i look at a photo of him at 27 he looks like that same 12 year old boy.
There is SOOOO much work to do there (here comes the tears that come three times a year) and i am NOT UP TO IT BELIEVE ME!!
Should read ” to get the P out of our life”
LILI:
Dunno how to name my mother,most probably as Toxic Enabler. She was more successful with my brother than with me (i was stronger) and kept that attitude of hers, blackmaling and thretening him for everything, after she saw it has an influence and desired feedback. She even did not allow him to put his own son in kindergarten, threatening she is gonna commit suicide if he does.Once, visiting them, i saw she started again (it ALWAYS worked with my brother) , and told her: OKay. do ittttttt, AND LET US GRIEVE IN PEACE. I opened the window and pointed on it, telling her: JUMP ! (i knew she won’t do it, even if she wanted, she would not be able). She just said i am crazy and asked me not to interfere in THEIR thing 🙂
I understand ur fear for ur children, especially NOW when hope got back they will return to u, it must be felt like u are affraid that u MIGHT loose them again, but i am begging u not to allow him to see u are affraid (thats food for his evil thing which ppl are calling HEART). He is gonna use everything what he can see it works!
Only strong u can help ur children, SHOW THAT STRENGTH!
I am (and all of us here) holding u and hugging u my dear
Lily,
I thank God that He armed you with strength to overcome the fear from the other day. I love the scripture that says if God be for you, then who can be against you? Who is more powerful than our awesome God? Not Satan or any of his army of followers. I think everyone here has said it all perfectly. I cant add to it, and I am so proud of everyone’s precious comments to you as they are everlasting TRUTH. I know that you have been advised to “put on the entire armour of God” so that you can be ready to fight the wickedness of the P.
Remember that with God, no weapon formed against you can prosper. The other day I was driving, obsessing with fear of what the P “could” do to me and my family- almost panicing actually. Then my heart felt the tug of this scripture (above)and the fear washed away just by meditating on it. I realized my problem was not in my circumstances – none of the situation had “changed”- just my “thoughts” had focused on what he (the P) said- NOT what GOD says!
By not controlling my thoughts or “meditating” On Gods PROMISES, made by faith weak and therefore my mind, body, and power was weak. During that week- I got sick, had to go to dr., was told I was suffering (amongst other things from exhaustion, I also wrestled defeating thoughts, etc… , I have been a WRECK!
But God knew what He was getting when he made me, and chose me to be his child!!!! He forgives when no one else does.
I believe that we are products of what we put in our bodies- I tell my children- Garbage IN- Garbage out. We must renew our spirits to be as God promises with him-MORE THAN a conqueror. I wish you joy, and peace…. xoxo
Jane, I would love to hear your stories that you mentioned! I promise , we will NOT think YOU are pyscho!LOL If you are ever up to blogging about them, I support you in it!!
I was just wondering…is it “classic” of a sociopath not to provide closure? My ex had a “motto” of saying when he was “done he was done” which I KNOW is a classic trait of sociopaths. I have to wonder…if it is THEY who leave us…do they just disappear to the hills and you never hear from them again as mine did and left me in total bewilderment…we had no children. It was the most abrupt ending I’ve ever experienced! Or, if it is WE who leave them…do they continue to harass us because they can’t take the rejection? Just curious if anyone knows the answer to the closure question?
TNewman,
Curious question. In my case I colaborated for him to go to his adventure as he was saying, but I asked for an asset separation done by the Family Court with our agreement. As he was away and my son asked what happened to the father, I mentioned that to the father via email. The father replied ‘tell the kids I love them very much but what they are feeling is the pain of abandonment’ (his admission that he was abandoning the children ). Then he asked about a divorce and I also said ‘you never spoke about a divorce before’. He was trying to hurt me as much as possible because he knew I was very vulnerable. When I was organising the papers to give him a divorce (he was overseas) I found out he was previously married and never divorced from that marriage. So he was bigamous. When I contacted him to organise my divorce I asked him ‘which divorce he was talking about,’ because I was organising my divorce and not the divorce from his previous marriage. He denied that he was ever married to me (we were married for 22 years). Mind you, he asked for the divorce in the first place , then when I found out he was bigamous and asked for the divorce, he denied that he was ever married to me…I told him that I had all the papers and if he ever changed his mind to ask for them, because for me it would not matter one way or another. Never heard from him until 5 years later he contacted me to ask how was my finances (not how were the children) . I replied: very good. Then he asked me if I had anything else to say, I replied: no I just wish you well. He rang up.
I would say there is no closure. In his mind he is keeping this safe heaven for future eventualities….Never heard from him again and he refused to give me the divorce.
With this information I asked his own mother and sisters to help him give me the divorce or canel our marriage. He has also disapeared from their lives. Thank you God…..!
TNewman said: “I have to wonder”if it is THEY who leave us”do they just disappear to the hills and you never hear from them again as mine did and left me in total bewilderment”we had no children. It was the most abrupt ending I’ve ever experienced! Or, if it is WE who leave them”do they continue to harass us because they can’t take the rejection? Just curious if anyone knows the answer to the closure question?
It seems when they have used a person up and see no further use from them because they have a new and better target, yeah, they abruptly leave and never look back (unless they occasionally want to amuse themselves by tormenting you if you have children together etc.).
But it seems if WE leave THEM, they take great offense to that and see it as us winning or getting over on them. Maybe it is a combo of rejection to their ego, and need to “win” or get revenge, or simply that they still view us as having something they can “use” and for that reason they keep recycling around and messing with us. Probably depends on the particular s or p and what he or she is after.
Brilhancy~ I absolutely agree that SP’s are raised in environments that teach them how to become sociopaths. My SP’s parents were animals. His parents would abuse him all year and then at Christmas they would really “put out”. He was raised in South Boston, very poor, but his Mom would get a job and spoil the bejesus out of the kids at Christmas. That’s why he thinks if he gives you something of value, everything should be okay????? And everything was pushed under the rug. EVERYTHING.
We were both raised Irish Catholic.
OMG Brilhancy, I think you are right about becoming like them to cover your own ass…ets! And I swear, we do become like them in many ways. We just have to deal with the guilt.
I am at the point of him waiting for me to break down and fall apart. I know he has sent people down to my house to “check” on me. My brother for one, and a childhood friend of mine. (that just happened to work for him recently). He has duped my whole family. Charming, generous to the point of overkill, and they all think that it’s ME that is being “difficult”. Even though I told them I saw on his “history” on his computer that he was getting mail from e-harmony, married by lonely, match.com. Then he went on Craigs list and there were websites that said, suck and _uck, casual sex a couple nights a week, etc. He told me that he looked them up cuz he saw them on the news and they were shutting them down. And his friends father found a girl from there. (turned out she was crazy and had to move out after about a month!) Funny thing was, right before he looked up those websites, I could see he had looked up Cialis about 5 times PRIOR to looking up the cyber whores. WHO IS THIS PERSON? Shock city for me folks.
The less I speak to him the more clear my brain becomes. I still want to lie to myself. I left the house and havent been back since that day. I asked him “who am I in your life?” Actually screamed it at him in desparation and he started to cry! I said to him this is just to much to take, I can’t deal with this anymore. I am going to stay away.
Anyhew~ If your spouse was committing bigamy why can’t you just have your marriage nullified? He really tried to mindf___ you when you asked about the other marriage. You are “Wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove” my friend. You are beating him at his own game. He will always be back because you are not conquered. And you are right, I don’t think there is ever closure.
Dear 2much,
It is comfusing and hurts when those that we think should be behind our backs (friends and family) are also duped by the Ps, and either don’t believe us or think we are the “crazy” ones. Being VALIDATED (and also getting “closure” of a sort) is many times what we have to get strong enough to DO FOR OURSELVES. ‘Taint easy! You ARE VALIDATED here, though.
You are also right, ,the “less I speak to him, the more clear my brain becomes.” that is WHY NC WORKS! (((hugs))))
To all those on LF…I’m a newcomer on this site, in search of whatever support, help, or answers that I can get from fellow “victims” of the non-criminal (so to speak) sociopath. I met him 3 yrs ago on a dating site…sweet, handsome, kind, supportive, hysterically funny…my best friend and confidant…a liar, cheater that drove me to an overdose 2 yrs ago. It is only by the grace of God that I am here today to struggle with the haunting memories of not only a suicide attempt, but the pain of a failed relationship that I’m sure all of you have felt at one time.
The ONLY way I have even been able to accept this break up, is by KNOWING that he is indeed a S/P. For a long time I tried to “just be friends” knowing that he had issues preventing us from ever becoming a committed couple…but I fell once more into his cunning arms…and realized after much research on the subject…he would never change…was actually an enemy not a friend.
How do I ever trust again…How do I get past the “what did this happen to me for?” NC for 2 mths now…