Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
He pretty much fits all the criteria on Robert Hare’s PChecklist. But other things I have read about and wonder if anyone else has noticed…filthy language…collects guns and knives for show(not a hunter)…not just problems with language as far as mixing up words, and making inconsistent statements which is typical, but a TERRIBLE speller…I’m curious if anyone else has seen this since the “language center” of the brain in a S is likely affected
Oxy, I almost hate to mention this because Tilly was comforted by this, “If they really wanted contact with you, they woujld have conctacted you no matter WHAT their father said/” But, the REALITY is they haven’t been able to without consequences for themselves — and for me. That’s why I got so excited when the older ones did contact me “out of the blue.” SOMETHING had to have happened to enable them to do that — just like SOMETHING had to have happened for them to stop so abruptly. (Except DD#3, she broke contact with her father over a year ago and lives her own life, so to speak.)
My former narcissiopath is similar to the others like him but different, also!!!!! A deep ability to enforce Stockholm syndrome is a major trait of his. My children have been trapped just as I was.
The one thing I know is that he could never harm them fatally if he hadn’t figured out a plan to get away with it. He IS clever and intelligent enough to figure something out — probaly not unlike what your P-son tried to do to you.
Sabrina, thank you for your words of assurance and comfort!
Your mention (and Oxy’s too) of “…put on the entire armour of God” so that you can be ready to fight the wickedness…” reminded me that I created a collage of symbols of all the “armor” for above the fireplace in our first home after medical school. Not that I believe in talismans, I don’t, but it did remind me every day that I and my children were in the hands of God and the satan in my spouse had no power over us.
Your mention of “garbage in…garbage out” also was a great reminder for me. Day before yesterday I allowed “garbage in” (the intense fear) into my thoughts and “garbage out” manifested in my momentary desire to end it all for the first time in my life.
I had forgotten to allow Christ to influence my thoughts!!!! Well, I count the experience as one of those “all things work together for good…” because without the presence of that FEAR I would never have been able to “hear” God’s plan of action. (which I will be into action tomorrow when I know all the kyds will be at their homes.)
I also have to remember that my FEAR of the threat was due to the 1800 miles that separate us. I felt so POWERLESS — because I AM — but God isn’t!!
I’m doing fine today — except for the fatigue of the anemia — which is improving with treatment.
Blessings to you!!
TNewman, I’d give anything if my EX had left me and disappeared forever! Count yourself lucky that you were “just” left with confusion and bewilderment! I understand that’s the way it goes when *they* leave.
I even suspect that if they have been kicked out, they fight so hard to get back in just so they can do the leaving the next time. I’ve seen that happen over and over again.
Because, yes, I think if we are the one to leave they continue to harass us (as in my case) Is it because they can’t take the rejection? I really don’t know. As far as I do know, no one really knows the “because” part.
To date, I’ve not heard of anyone who has experienced “closure” with one, except the acceptance we find from within ourselves.
This is my 2cents to your question.
2much2take,
Hmmm. You left the house and didn’t go back. No wonder you are “…at the point of him waiting for me to break down and fall apart.” I’d bet my homestead that he is waiting for that to happen — and will probably do all he can to hasten it.
He sounds like a very bad egg, no matter his “label.” You deserve much better than him. You sound like a good, strong woman. Most important, he doesn’t deserve YOU!
Hummingbird, how glad I am that you are a true survivor and have found this board. It is true that sociopaths can lead one to try a “fast” escape! That’s the way they are, crazy-making.
One thing I hope you already know is that YOU did not cause the failure of the relationship. HE did. He chose you in the first place because you had something good that he wanted — and would never be able to find within himself.
Congratulations for being “out” for 2 months. That’s a great start for self-discovery — like “why” did this happen to you.
I found the answer in Chapter 5 of Leedom and Brown’s “Women Who Love Psychopaths.” It is available from this website.
Blessings!
Oxy, I don’t believe that I ever told you that at least my children don’t believe the Ex’s projection that I am the crazy one part of the smear campaign since November or December of 2002.
Also, I’m wondering if any others who have been the victims of a smear campaign if you have noticed that there seem to be two parts to it — just like there are two parts, it seems, to their personality (Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde.)
It took me quite a long time to discover that what my EX told our adult children and what he told the general public were different things.
Actually, I’m hoping (yes, hoping) that dictomy will be the exact thing that will expose him — IF children and people compare notes, that is.
2MUCH2TAKE
‘Anyhew~ If your spouse was committing bigamy why can’t you just have your marriage nullified? He really tried to mindf___ you when you asked about the other marriage. You are “Wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove” my friend. You are beating him at his own game. He will always be back because you are not conquered. And you are right, I don’t think there is ever closure”.
As I told him, it does not make any difference for me one way or another. I have the family Court papers where he signed saying that none of us would ever claim anything from the other, I have all the assets transferred into my name only I have a Power of Attorney from him giving me all powers (the only thing I can not do is to turn off a life saving machine if that ever happens – what a pitty). Being still marriage to him will make it even worse for him to get married again. If he does that he will put himself in even more hot waters.
See, the thing here is to have the power and not allowed him the power. If I do anything else he still thinking that my mind is still hooked in his mind. DISMISSING everything is the best approach..and he knows now that I have the power. he f..cked himself up badly…..and I do not care..I now have my full life to live and I am doing exactly that. He is the one now wondering what to do….
Brthancy,
It sounds like you got a RARE “one up” on the jerk who outsmarted himself, it seems.
I am so glad for you that you got at least that satisfaction and that much justice. so few of us do.
2Muchtotake said: “He will always be back because you are not conquered.”
My ex told me he would not rest until he destroyed me and broke me emotionally and fiancially. Then later he reeled me back in for a short time with the nice act (and pretense he did not mean the above but was speaking in anger due to a broken heart (puke) etc. Short time later he resumed his manipulations and schemes to do me in, then I ditched him for the last time. It has been 18 months and he still tries to reach me and leaves messages (mostly nice and manipulative or tries to induce guilt etc., but the last one was more revealing of his true colors).
Anyway I rarely mention him period in real life, but did mention recently to a casual friend that he still tries to call. She immediately made comments about how he must still care or miss me and I breifly tried to explain NO –without going into much detail–but I also couldn’t really put it together in my mind exactly why he won’t just go away after all this time either, but still periodically pops up in spite of him never getting to actually talk with me. I usually attribute it to he is just bored or I am just on his list of people to call for the day if he is drinking and I happen to pop in his mind (he loves the phone), or maybe he is between women and just wanting to “check”……etc.
But when I read your statement: “He will always be back because you are not conquered,” I thought BINGO that is it, that is the reason as he had also made the comment to me that he ALWAYS WINS over his Whores, that he ALWAYS gets the upper hand (and would over me). So, he is still trying to conquer–that explains it–he is still trying to manipulate a “win” because I am the one who got away without him completely destroying me as he intended and in order to do that and manipulate he needs access to me so he keeps trying to establish contact–trying different manipulations that he hopes will work to get me to answer the phone or return a call .
Thanks for that statement!!!!