Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
super chic
hummingbird… I am glad that by “the Grace of God” you are still here and also that you found this site! The N/S I was with for a long time… he couldn’t spell either, and he said words wrong (wrong here on the west coast, last time I brought up this subject it caused an interesting debate on different accents!) So, I don’t really know myself if this is something that is typical with an S, I’m not a professional, just throwing my 2 cents out there. 🙂
hummingbird
ANewLily, Thank-you for the encouragement…for some reason I have felt compelled lately to read everything I can get my hands on RE S/P…of course I want to try to understand it, accept, recognize it…but I wonder if perhaps the reason I am still here…the reason I have gone through this whole horrific heart wrenching experience, is simply to help someone else by the mere fact that I am an “educated” survivor…if there is such a thing. Maybe this very site that I am turning to for comfort will connect me somehow to someone much like myself a couple of years ago…someone who is feeling that moment of desperation and worthlessness that they think can only end with death. Had I perhaps realized that I was taken in by an entity one could easily label as evil…I am sure the events of that lonely Saturday evening would have been different.
hummingbird
shabbychic, yes we have a gracious God…when I finally told my S(not til a yr later) of my suicide attempt…I was emphasizing the fact that it was indeed amazing I came out of it unscathed (physically) as the acetaminophen ingredient alone in the drugs I had taken was well over 8000 mg. not to mention the pain killers themselves, yet no liver damage. He chuckled and said “oh that’s kids stuff, you should have tried such and such”. By the end of the evening he had convinced me he wanted to take our relationship to the next level…EVEN after that comment!
Interesting about the spelling…and when he wrote IE emails…it was sooo confusing as he would leave out words etc. I used to think they were typos, but now I know that’s just the scrambled way their mind works..
super chic
hummingbird… I am sure you will be able to help people on this site, including me! Thank goodness you had no liver damage. I can’t believe what he said to you, well, I guess I can! Yes, they are quite convincing, I understand that, or maybe we convince ourselves because we want to believe, because the hurt just hurts so damn bad. I’m still trying to figure out why I lived in Fantasyland my entire life. DenialWorld.
Tilly
Brilhancy:
You truly are brilliant! I love to hear these stories like yours and Matts of coming out on top of these creeps, it is so rare! TOWANDA! to you. I hope you get everything in life you desire, because that will make him suffer more and more!! lol! xo
Brilhancy
Tilly,
As I mentioned earlier , I lived many years of a tormented life by the creep like everyone else in LF. Because I was so fragile and so vulnerable I did not care at the time what happened to me I was fragile but had my wisdom intacted. I had to act really cold to survive. I had no idea I was dealing with a S but I knew it was something really bad and I had to survie and assure the survival of the children I did not acted as a mean person. I was colaborating with him because I knew by then how his mind worked (but he did not know I knew that by then) and he continued playing up as he always did, taking advantage of my fragility and vulnerability at that time. It was tough very painful and I lost 15kg at that time and many sleeplessness night, and taking one day at a time. I was so determinied to outsmart him that I had the strenght to carry my sociopatic actions to my benefit (to deal with a S we have to be a worse S then the S himself). Only lately I started understand what I was dealing with. Oh! boy I am so glad I ended up a winner and him the BIG LOOSER..
Now that is what each one of you have to do. Understand how a S mind works and play the game for your advantage. DISMISS EVERYTHING THEY SAY.. DISMISS THEIR EXISTENCE and their importance in your lifes. Slowly you will feel an increase in your sthrenght.
We have to be very smart to outsmat them.. and cold as ice in our actions. After living with them for so many years we know how to do that. Just copy their behaviour and you will be a winner. Give them the minimum importance in your lives.
Brilhancy
Tilly,
But there is more…..after he left and when I managed to get my career back on track I got a High Security Government position which I needed Security clearance at Top Secret Level. For this the Intelligence service had to investigate my life and the lives of everyone associated with me. I had to show all the documents I had as proof of the creep that left abandoning his children and all those proofs ended up at the Immigration Department and there is a Note on his file that he can never enter this contry again. I also showed all the proofs of Bigamy and false qualifications he said he had and all the lies he is living in the country where he is now living (mind you it is a Third world country and he hates that). We all know about him.. The bloody creeps are not very smart if you really think hard. They leave a lot of trails that condem them. You just have to be smart to use those against them.
2MUCH2TAKE
Jen2008, OxDrover, ANewLily & Brilhancy~ Thak you so much for your comments and support. There are truly very few people who understand the pain these relationships can cause. Jen, you keep that chin up and sleep with one eye open!! They truly can’t stand “losing”. I believe they would even hurt themselves just to get to us if they could.
I have had the “oh he must really love you” comments, etc. It is very frustrating. I thank you all for validating me. And I know that “if it’s to be, it’s up to me”. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
And yes, he is waiting for me to “crack”. And, still has contact with my family. They don’t want to, or simply cannot see what a smooth con he is. Plus it doesn’t help that he does all sorts of things for them, no matter the cost. So I told my psychiatrist that I was the family prostitute. I keep my distance from my family. Then he doesn’t know what is going on in my life. I don’t tell them anything. That is why I feel so alone. And truthfully, I am alone. An island. But I am going to make an effort to become more social. I know that it takes time. Again, thank you all. I FEEL validated!!
2MUCH2TAKE
Oh, and about the spelling and accents. My S doesn’t spell well either. He has a South Boston accent that is quite charming, was starting to lose it and I mentioned that I noticed it on his answering machine in the way he said “number”. He used to say “numba”. Yup you guessed it, he changed that message pronto!! Doesn’t matter that he’s lived on the West Coast for 20 years. His family that lives back east still don’t even have the accent anymore like he does. He know that women find it charming. He is truly an attention whore!!
lisa_888
Very happy to find this site….have been in bed depressed since I kicked him out 3 wks ago….very very depressed….can’t even work…it was 4 yrs, he never worked (always had an excuse) hated his mother, ex’s etc etc charmer to the extreme…I bet he w/ some other woman now….why am I soooooooo drained???? Why do I miss him???? I am just about 50 and feel I will never learn…need help…but don’t know what to do…people tell me I am attractive, used to get hit on all the time when we were out…now I feel so old and used up….assault charge – he is furious I finally went thru with one, when I should of from all the other beatings….and I never did….any suggestions would help ps my family said I made my bed, so lie in it….nice