Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Lisa888:
Oh dear…..your in the right place! READ, READ, READ all the past articles and all the comments you can……
Unfortunaltey, you will find, your not alone in this horrid situation.
You need to take baby steps to remove yourself from the bed…..force yourself back up and to shower, brush teeth….(we’ve all not done it) 🙂 and then take a good long look at LISA in the mirror and make a decision based on what you see looking back at you…..Really look at yourself……you may not recognize who you see……but speak to her…..hold a conversation…….and allow her to speak back to you……AND LISTEN!
Get dressed, get out……REGAIN CONTROL!
You will find your strength here……allow the process of grieving and healing yourself…..try to eliminate him and your current legal issues…..it will overwhelm you……
DO NOT DROP CHARGES….DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!!!!!!!!!
Of course he is furious…….hes a fuck up and now he is exposed……duhhhhhhhhh. These are consequences for abuse…..EXPOSURE!
You do not miss HIM……you miss your fantasy of what you made him to be in your head…..
You will process these thoughts and realize this……
KEY HERE……NO CONTACT!!!
I hope you have a restraining order……IF NOT…….GO GET ONE IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!
This freaked me out…..I thought, can’t he just go away…..oh no they do not! It’s required, please hear this…….It also helps with the NO CONTACT.
It makes it easier…….he can’t contact you and ‘velcro’ you back in with the ‘i love you’s’., your the only owman for me’s…..the blah, blah blah’s that hooked you for 4 years to endure teh abuse, to believe him to keep you hooked……
No contact is vital.
I have had a one year extension on a tpo, additionally a one year harassment and stalking order. I am goiong back to court in a few weeks to seek another extension of the TPO…..A lifetime wouldn’t be long enough for me! (after 28 years).
Seriously, do not beat yourself up…..it’s tough, rough and an emotional rollercoaster……..
Read, read read……
It DOES get better, but we have to allow time and the process.
I bid you strength!!!!
XXOO
Thank you….that made me cry…I do feel all alone – can’t admit to my family about the phy abuse, they think I’m a loser enuf to pick a guy who didn’t work….He ain’t looken for me! He’s in somebody elses bed…using her money…I don’t have to worry about stalking or anything…the rejection sucks…I am reading this and can’t believe it all…I can relate to so much on here…I will re read your post and re read it and do it…still hard to look in the mirror rite now…thank you thank you
Lisa888, it does feel good to have someone hear and believe you, don’t it? I’m glad you could release some tears about it.
Are you sure your family would not support you if you told them about the physical abuse? I didn’t tell my folks either because I didn’t want them to think badly of him — but only because that would have hurt him! Crazy thinking but I didn’t know it back then.
You said you didn’t want to tell them because they might blame you for “picking” a “bad guy.” Are you aware yet that if yur guy was a disordered person (and he probably is if you found this site!) YOU didn’t pick him. He picked YOU?
His abuse was his choice. If he was an honorable guy, he wouldn’t have dared to lay a hand on you. YOU didn’t cause him by any of your actions to abuse you!! The problem is HIS, not YOURS.
I am calling it physical abuse on the basis of you saying “phy abuse.” But, if it was psychological abuse it was still abuse that you didn’t cause!
I don’t even pretend to think it is easy to do but can you be GLAD he is in someone else’s bed and be full of pity for HER? He will treat her the same way as he did you. It’s a given.
All this is new to you but I promise you that as you read and post and read some more that your healing process will begin. You WILL become the beautiful person that you are and recognize that lovely woman in the mirror! I promise!
Yikes, it is past my bedtime. I meant “doesn’t it?”– Not “don’t it?” I’m an English teacher! Maybe I’ve been retired too long to remember my grammar??? No, just tired but I did want to respond to you. Blessaings and prayers for you.
Lisa888:
Do not ever take responsibililty for others actions…..
That would be saying a woman deserves to be raped because she was out walking after 10pm.
Do not cover, do not hide them or the behaviors. You didn’t deserve this, none of us did. It’s not your fault….IT”S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
You fell in love with a man you thought was something else……so what, you deserve this punishment and lonliness? NOTACHANCE !!!
It would help if you reconsidered confiding in your family.
It’s humiliating, but at least they will have a clue on where you just came from…..
they will see your strength and determination in your ‘recovery’ and this will empower you further.
Wait until you see more of ‘how’ you got hooked, understand it more and ou will be in a better position to explain it to them.
Don’t feel like you have to hide out of shame or guilt. It happened, your out, and that is the best news ever!
I will also agree with ANlily……As much as it may hurt currently….BE GRATEFUL he has a new interest…. He will divert any negative attention off of you…..THIS IS THE BEST NEWS!!!!!
Oh, don’t think he has finally found the love of his life and it’s all working out just peachy for him…..no way……they are not capable of this type of relationship…….he will do the ‘lisa’ repeat…..so be thankful he’s not in YOUR bed!!!!
Grieve the fantasy…..it never was, it never will be the relationship you dreamed of…..EVER! He showed you that, over and over!
The point of looking in the mirror is to get to know yourself….. bet at this point you don’t know that woman looking back at you……but you need to. You need to see HER tears, her sadness and it will catapult you into action. You will connect with HER/YOU and through connection there is healing. Through pain there is healing…..
Unfortunately…..no pain, no gain (growth)…..
Identify with your feelings…..allow the process and I assure you, you will come out a much more available woman for a healthier relationship for the future…….(much later)…..
Give yourself time darlen!!!!
Now….get to reading.
XXOO
my first post…need assistance about turning in/reporting a sociopath. he’s up for his nursing license renewal… with domestic abuse and an injunction; he is stealing medication; fng a nurse that works with him (oh and she has his 2 yo illegitmate child). can you direct me to the right area! thanks!!
Licensing Board of your state would be able to direct you.
candyharlau: Sorry you are having to face that. Fighting a sociopath is not easy. Be sure you have documentation of your facts, especially the stealing the medication, so you come off as credible. Good for you for wanting to stand up to the S, but make sure you can do so effectively, or you will end up the target of a smear campaign or worse.
Good luck, keep posting.
The Licensing board may or may not consider anonymous complaints. In our state, it does not and the complaints are MAILED to the subject, which I guess discourages such form of reporting to begin with. But, it could be different in your state, and I hope it is.
Justabout, you are beautiful.
If he’s stealing meds, make an anonymous report to the hospital head……start there……
Then let the seeds grow.
I second justabouthealeds advice…..Do it like a stealth effective bomber…..or it will backfire….document your facts and put the right authorities on the trail….
If you can tell them where/when he steal the drugs…..great start…..you need to hand them a case of a silver platter……or trust me, no agency wishes to ‘work’ for the case…..
It’s like how many drug busts occur that they investigate…..usually they occur when a dopehead is transporting and speeding or tailight out etc…..they are handed to them!!!
That’s been my experience anyways…..
DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT….you have to be your own detective………
Good luck!