Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Drop the “a” in “It is a nearness to my Creator.” I’m still working on perfectionism, but not today!!!
Gogettergirl,
We’ve all been where you are. A Lovefraud reader once offered this advice: “Don’t take it personally.”
A sociopath is not capable of feeling any emotional connection to another human being. A sociopath is not capable of thinking of anyone other than himself (herself). Nothing you could have done, nothing you could have tried, would have made a difference. They are what they are, and you were targeted – probably because of your good qualities.
Welcome to Lovefraud. There are many articles in the archives that may help you. Please feel free to vent. We all understand.
Hello, Everyone!
Well the pain can end!! On Sunday, my psychopathic ex-boyfriend called me. Strangely, this was the anniversary date of meeting a psychopath who is now spending the rest of his life in prison. (Life really means life in this case.)
So, the the P left a message. He referred to me with an affectionate name reserved for only my dearest girlfriends. Then he went on to say he hadn’t seen me in such a long time…he was concerned about me. He let me know the phone call didn’t mean he was flirting with me. He was just so very worried. He wanted me to call him to let him know I was okay.
Well, several months ago when he saw me in a pink cast and on crutches, he wasn’t too concerned. A couple of days later when it snowed and there was ice on the ground he didn’t care to call to see if I needed anything. I spent 2 months on crutches and in a wheelchair. The only places I went were work and an exercise facility to continue with my upper body workout. Being diabetic I had to continue with my exercise to manage my disease and also help with the stress!!
I was devastated at this injury. Being diabetic, I was concerned I’d need an operation–which had a 6 month recovery period. I washed clothes by crawling on my hands and knees and throwing my clothes until they ended up near the washing machine. I couldn’t even give my dog water. I couldn’t go to the grocery store because I couldn’t carry anything. I did have a son a friends who helped get me through this period. (Now I am walking again and grateful for being able to move in an upright position!!!)
So, what about the phone call!? Well, when I saw the number I had to read it twice. I expected him to call me back. But was still shocked when I saw his number.
I haven’t returned his call. I don’t plan on it. I have too much respect for myself to ever be involved with him again. When I see him at our exercise facility I plan on saying, “Oh, yes. You did call, didn’t you? Well…I’ve just been so busy….” Then I’ll walk away.
He has no power over me. I’ve learned valuable lessons from my experience with him.
Now…I’m living my own life. And quite happy with me!!!
Morgan
Dear Housie,
Your post made me cry, not bad tears, though, but “sweet” ones. Thank you so much, I too look foreard to meeting many people in the afterlife, as well as being P-FREE there as well.
When I read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” after his total Job-like losses of EVERYTHING except his very soul, I realized that my own losses paled in comparison too the losses experienced by others. My losses were painful, but I still retain so many blessings that I am still “among the blessed” of this world.
Each day, I try to look around me, and to thank God that He has provided so much bounty for me, and ultimately safety. I believe and am comforted by the phrase in the Bible that “all things work together for good to those that Love the Lord!”
Sometimes it was difficult for me to see the truth in that, because as I looked at the current situation, it only appeared to be a series of losses. However, many many times, if that “loss” had not occured, I can NOW see that I would still be in the clutches of the psychopaths. So, though, at the TIME it occured, that loss of my relationship with the P-son, or my psychopathic-by-proxy egg donor, I was really being freed from the EVIL emotional bonds to these EVIL people.
I read the Bible stories now with a new insight that I did not have before, and I can see that there was a lesson to be learned for many of the old prophets and people. Lot, for example, was told to leave the city in which he lived and to go out into the wilderness with essentially nothing but what he had on his back, so for him that must have felt like a “loss” to have to leave a comfortable city and go into the winderness where he had nothing but a cave to dwell in, but by going into the wilderness, he escaped the destruction of the city. His loss of his home actually preserved his life.
My own loss of my home preserved my own life when I fled my house for safety. I also realized that my “house” is just that, a THING for my comfort, but I am still ME without it, and I was kept safe by giving up what was so prescious to me. If I had stayed here as I was determined to do to “defend” it I am sure I would have been killed. So sometimes when dealing with psychopaths, it is better wisdom to get the heck out of Dodge and not depend on ourselves, but to follow the wisdom within us, the voice of God. too many times I have drowned out that small voice of wisdom and made the decision to depend on my ownself when I would have been much better off to listen to that still small voice in my soul.
I think if we are DETERMINEd to go our own way, God won’t shout over our own voices and will allow us to “make our own beds.” I have decided that “lying in” the beds I made of my own will was not very comfortable. So now I am trying to listen to the wisdom and good sense, common sense actually, that tells me I am doing something that is not for my or others best interest.
Thank you again, Housie, your words mean a great deal more to me than you can even begin to know. (((hugs)))) and God bless us all here at LF.
ninalinda,
My father took us girls away from my mother when we were just little kids and never let us see her again too. After many years, she gave up. DON’T let that happen to you. Don’t let him define who you are. You are a kind and gentle person and your warm heart is what attracted him to you in the first place. Don’t let him destroy that. We all love you here and other people see your kindness.
Donna Anderson: Thank you for your kind words. You’ve helped me today and I’m ok now. God Speed.
I have been a subscriber of Lovefraud for a couple of years now but have never posted anything until now.
The subject of sociopaths turning the children against you opened a floodgate in me.
During my divorce from my toxic, sociopathic ex, he did a terrific smear campaign on our two boys, ages 18 and 20. My two children from a previous marriage weren’t able to be manipulated. He forced our sons lie to a Judge when I pressed domestic abuse charges on him and even though there was not one shred of evidence against me and tons against him (7 witnesses, only 2 were allowed to speak), the Judge threw me out of my own home for a year without any of my belongings. Didn’t charge me with anything, just said I couldn’t go home. I appealed it and WON, but by then the damage had been done. I developed PTSD, lost 30 lbs, vomited a lot and had to deal with the humilation of people assuming I had done something wrong because the Judge made ME leave. Actually, he didn’t even listen to the case, he just made a quick decision on a day that he was in a bad mood and that’s why I won the appeal. He had no legal right to make me leave. Because he had a bad day, I now had a bad life. The appeal cost me $5,000 (the state doesn’t reimburse you even when you win). I had just given my lawyer every cent I could beg, borrow or steal to start the divorce. I was homeless in the middle of the winter in Iowa and only had a part-time job.
He wouldn’t allow the boys to talk to me. (he had ways to make their lives miserable). My mother died during this and my lawyer asked for my black dress to wear to her funeral. He wouldn’t even let me have that. He had my 2 dogs, cat and parrot also. He let the house go into foreclosure and when I said I would make the payments if he left, he did but I found the house almost uninhabitable and my animals were starving. He was charged with animal neglect and given a $50 fine. I had him posted on animal-abuse.com if anyone wants to see pictures. ( need to punish is strong I think)
He had found another unsuspecting victim (girlfriend with $) so HE had a place to go and tried to lose our home on purpose so I would truly have nothing.
After no contact with my sons for almost 3 years, they started calling me. Apparently after getting his hooks deep enough into the new girlfriend, he didn’t need them any longer and basically discarded them like used Kleenex. Now we are all trying to heal and deal with the pain. He, on the other hand, is living the good life pretending butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. The boys are angry at his hipocrisy and need counseling, but neither has insurance. I feel like my life is over sometimes, but I refuse to let him win. All I can do is hope he is punished by God, karma or whatever.
Kattt
They have no goodlife! Only a phesaud(sp) on the outside! A fake appearence of a life. Inside they are hollow, seithing in worthlessness! Without the ability to Love ,feel It ,they are empty! You feel so hurt because you take it personal! He will do this to each and every one he comes close to! Women men ,Children , it doesn’t matter who !!!!! It is what they do!
The Shark is not evil, it was born to eat and make baby sharks.
The Psycopath Is Evil because They get pleasure from our pain.
Trust that this is for a purpose! That What you and your sons gain will be more than what you lost! God speed
Ninalinda:
“Yesterday, I decided that they are dead. I had kids at one time but they died in a plain crash w/ their father”.
I never believe that their father is dead because I need to stay alert to the dangerous murderous person he is. And I am finally doing what I can in relation to that, for me ( and inadvertently others),to stay safe.
I tried doing what you have done with your kids re: the plane crash, but it makes it worse for me. Because my heart knows they are alive. However it is early days and i know i have a lot of anger to release towards myself and my daughter for not realising sooner. You know, for being such a mug. And with my son, I still have a lot of guilt (a totally wasted emotion because I am not guilty… but I still feel it). And it is a roller coaster ride. When I look at his photo, no matter what age all I see is my little boy.
However, taking down the photos of my daughter definitely helped (all of them). And changing my will definitely helped.
So I have a long way to go. What i am saying is: When they have physically died it is easier to grieve. You never recover, but you can fully grieve. When they are alive, there is an area of confusion for a long time. It is harder to deal with in my opinion. Just as devastating, but harder to grieve because of the conflicting paradox.
OxDrover,
When I read your post is reminded me of myself so much. The S in my life I am married 2. We have been 2gether 16 years and have 3 children. We had a nice home in a nice area and I 2 had to leave because of violence. He still blamed me for leaving.. My children went from living in a big home 2 a small apartment.. I felt guilty like I was taking away a better life for them but my children did not care. I always wanted them 2 learn that none of those things matter.. It is the love inside the home that is valuable.. I know that by the grace of God I am still here 2day. The S was not able 2 end my life.
I do believe that God does allow us to sleep in the beds we make. I feel like I have lost so much in my life..that I have “lost out” on having a true love in my life.. 16 years loving an S is just so hard. I watched him go from being a teen S to a full blown adult S. I at times feel like a failure. I kept thinking that I could make him realize how he hurt us, but it always comes back 2 me being the one at fault.. For a long time I believed that. God has helped me see that I am worthy of so much more. But I have 2 want that happeness and if it means giving upva certain life style I cld have stating with the S then I can give those things up.. The S knows this and he uses it against me.. He tells me things like “do u realize I pay for EVERYTHING!” The last time he said that I said ” sadly that is all u know how 2 do or want 2 give of yourself”. I pray daily for God 2 help me be strong and realize as hard as it is that the entire 16 year relationship has been just a fantasy for me.. Just me sugar coating all the red flags that God placed in my path away from him. Hard to except but even with that God gave me grace by blessing me with 3 beautiful children. That has been the best REAL part of my life. There love is real and true. I love the movie Hope Floats..my S also cheated on me like The woman in the movie.. He comes 2 her and says he wants 2 be with this other women and she says ” you 2 deserve eachother. You were lucky 2 have me. But you know what I think I already got the best part of you and she is standing out there waiting on me (refering 2 her daughter) and what’s left over just doesn’t look so good to me anymore.” How true that is.. Even if I lost everything tmrww. I wld still have my children & their love. He will never have that love because he can’t deal with it or want it.. It’s 2 much responsibility 2 let someone in 2 ur heart complty.. I pray that guides me in how 2 raise them alone and give them a stable life.. 🙂
Dear Kate,
Putting the important things first and the material things last is sometimes hard to do….as we al lneed a minimal amount at least of material things…but I clung to the material “security” of my home, not wanting to let my P-son and his henchmen drive me out….I can’t imagine how you dealt with that EVIL judge’s decision all the while so many other things were going on.
That your home was trashed deliberately and let go into foreclosure is not unexpected when dealing with a psychopath! I hope there is a “warm spot in hades” for these judges that do not get it about what psychopaths are and turn over children to them. Dr. Amy Castillo (there is a thread here on LF about her) warned her judge that her husband was going to kill her children if he was given unspervised visits and on the first visit with them, HE KILLED THEM. I think that judge should be HUNG, DRAWN and QUARTERED! (can you tell that judges doing such things makes me ANGRY!?)
I am so sorry that you went through such trauma and then more trauma on top of it. God bless and keep you! Hang around LF and heal with the rest of us, this is a wonderful community! (((hugs))))