Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
this is my x-S!
PInow…what state mails complaints to the subject?
i know where the pills are, some still at my home. he was removed due to domestic violence.
what should i be documenting. need assistance!
he has eluded so many authorities over the years, i can’t imagine he will ever get caught. A reign of terror.
the latest findings were that he has 5 more children due to his screwing around.
his latest…he attempted to get back with his x-wife, who divorced him twice, took him to court, and he tells her ‘how can you give up 14 yrs together, can’t we get back together..’
i know she still has some of his stuff, and i think he is trying to move in to an area very close to her… master manipulator.
he’s leaving me alone right now, guess this is due to the injunction. this ends in Sept. i hope to get it renewed for life!
should i report him, i want to do this completely anonymously. this is why i am so concerned on how to handle this matter.
ps he works for the jail.
Candyharlau:
First, ask yourself……what is it that you are trying to accomplish?
Do you want him back?
Are you moving on with YOUR life?
It sounds as if the stakes are high, since you are adamant about anonymoty……you might want to leave it well enough alone.
I am not seeing a benefit here for you? Will you help others in this process, or just expose him?
I get the impression you think you need to act quick, due to the licencing board decision………IT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO ACT OUT OF DESPARATION!!!! EVER!!!!
If you don’t have time to plan, document the behaviors…and do it thoroughly….then your acting out of desparation and it will turn out badly. Leave it alone.
We must engage our self control and be fully aware and balanced on the WHY we are doing what we are doing.
YES….he’s a master manipulator, YES, he is pond scum, YES to all of your sentiments……BUT….your out, your safe and YOU can move on. HE WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME…..WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED.
I get the impression you think it may shock him into changing if he is caught? NOT!
If he has pills at your home…..turn them over to the police, or flush them…..Why are you keeping them?
I doubt, that unless it’s a whole load of pills, anyone will give a rats ass. Unfortunately, this is how our society works.
I would examine the motives and weigh the benefit to yourself and society prior to moving forward.
Just my 2 cents.
Good luck.
XXOO
thank you for your response. i do want to move on. it just seems that every time i look around, every corner i turn, i learn more about this monster.
my only concern was that he might injure someone – he has already offered several people pills when he doesn’t know what else they are taking. oh that’s right, he thinks he is a doctor, too! he can play any role he needs to play at any time.
i’m just in such a state of disbelief that this/these predator(s) can continue to wreak havoc. i believe you are right, he won’t change even if caught. he will slip thru the system again. at the jail, he’s a con man in a con man’s world! how perfect.
i will pray for the permanent injunction.
more lessons learned!
thanks for being there for me. thanks for your honesty.
((hugs))
Candy….
They do not change…..because they do not have a problem…..
YOU made me…..
If YOU hadn’t of……I wouldn’t need to…….
If YOU didn’t………
Change only occurs when we recognize and are not happy with behavioral outcomes. Take responsiblity for the actions…..this is something they do not do…..it’s the blame…..everyone elses fault…..the world is out to get them!
It sounds as if he is right where he belongs…..only on the wrong side of the bars……BUT….there may be nothing you can do about it…..eventually is should all catch up to him…..hopefully, you will be LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG gone by then.
Oh yeah…you will continue to see things that you didn’t see when inside of the ‘storm’. We learn so much about them and ourselves….once we are out.
I still have revelations about my ex S. It’s just what happens when we live life with our eyes closed and we are finally given the gift of ‘sight’.
I wish you strength…..welcome to the world of the ‘seeing’.
XXOO
should i pursue the continuance of the injunction? i got sucked back into the evil vortex on and off. (completely done with him in june. injunction expires sept.)
i don’t know how the judge will perceive this. i’m afraid of what i will say in front of him about his pill stealing, illegitimate children, any disease that i might be carrying, sex at the jail, sex parties, etc.
if i don’t win, it would be even harder on me. i will feel that he won. i don’t think i would never be able to accept it. he would be strutting like a peacock.
the only thing he thinks i have at my house is his guns. they were turned in long ago, but he doesn’t know that. i’m going to act like he does, when he asks me for them, and say ‘i don’t have them.’ where are they, he will ask. my answer ‘i don’t have them.’ sometimes ya gotta learn how to think like a S (puke)
hugs
You are questioning yourself….WHY? You need to know these answers.
If you are in fear of him, pursue the restraining order.
You can’t use the legal system as a tool to keep your emotions safe…this is up to us and us only.
If you have documentation of further harassment or abuse, take it to court and pursue it. If he threatens you, follow through legally.
If he violates the order, report it. You must follow through on what ‘you’ started. Going back and forth and involving the courts does not far well……
There is a reason for restraining orders….know it, follow it. They apply to both parties.
by going back and forth, you showed him it doesn’t mean a thing…..true…..it’s not a golden fence around us, but you have to do what YOU have to do to protect yourself.
The pill stealing isn’t a direct threat on YOU, the illegitimate children is not a direct threat on YOU, if you may have a disease…..GO GET CHECKED, sex at the jail is not a direct threat on YOU…..Sex parties….same…
His lack of character is something you must deal with on your own, without the courts…..unless he is a threat to YOU, you can’t involve the courts. Moralilty is not a legal issue.
If you want to be involved with this person…..fine….if not…..get out…emotionally and physically.
You have to think things through and act rationally.
You should notify him through the legal channels that you no longer have his posessions. He should be notified of where they are at.
If you want nothing to do with him, cut the ties, don’t play games and take control. End it.
He’s playing with you…..it takes two to play……step out of the game.
You need no contact! Period.
I suggest you read and read some more on this site……it offers a lot of valuable information on how to proceed and what has worked for others.
Good luck….
he is now making contact with his x-wife (twice over!). she took him to court. the second-time-around divorce was over a year ago. apparently he is looking for a shoulder to cry on. guess he needs something from her. what is going on with this S? he must be desperate for something. why, when he can bed-down a hundred other women?!
Hello everyone,
I ended my relationship with the S 9 weeks ago. It has been the nastiest and prolonged breakup I have ever experienced.
My S was not one who threatened my safety or ever took advantage of me financially. As far as I can see, he was also completely law abiding and I couldn’t imagine him ever hurting an animal either now or as a child.
No, the main problems were his hypersentivity, volatility when his feelings got hurt or he didn’t get his way, a complete lack of remorse, guilt or any form of accountability after an big fight. The fights were always followed by a 4-5 day separation after which I would usually be the one doing all the apologizing for things I said which set him off. His apologies on the rare occasions that he made them were always followed by a “BUT” and words to the effect “you do the same thing.” Other problems were fabrications of events that never happened that he honestly believed happened, and justifying arguements based on such events. Also taking something I’d said and twisting the words into something that had no resemblence to what I originally said, and BELIEVING it as such.
That’s the background, now here’s the problem:
He began going to church with me for about 6 weeks prior to the breakup. Now he is continuing to attend the same service which I have attended for the last 8 years. He has never had any affiliation with the Episcopal church. There are other servcies at my church, but this is the only one I really enjoy. This is the one place where I feel completely safe and at peace and now that has been violated and compromised. He even sits in the same area where I would normally sit, so I have to find another area to sit in and it’s a rather small church so the choices are limted. As a result I don’t really get to interact with the folks I normally would do that with during “The Peace” and when the service disbands. Instead, I must watch him working the crowd and turning on the charm and social graces, basically ingratiating himself into the community. It makes me ill to see him taking over something that I hold so precious and sacred.
I have recently tried to have an email dialog with him for the sole purpose of tryiing to establish some sort of peace/cease fire, at least in my heart, so that I can feel less threatened when I am forced to see him on these occasions. I know as Joe Walsh said “you can’t argue with a sick mind,” but I was doing it solely for me, not to become friends but to lessen the tension. After a full week of going back and forth with him, I finally began to see some progress, his anger and blame was lessening and he was acting more agreeable and thus it was feeling safer for me. Then in typical S fashion he pulls something out the blue, something that he knew about all along, something that I did during the last 9 weeks that he found very upsetting, basically a trump card to throw a wrench into the whole peace making process, and bringing it up as though he had just discovered it, and then claiming that this had violated his trust and everything we just discussed was now in question. Just another example of why you can’t negotioate with them.
So there’s the situation, I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
James aka Amdew717
PS: he also shows up at other events and gatherings whicih I introduced him to. He contributed nothing to the relationship, socially, I never even met one of his friends in 7 months of being together. Since the breakup he has contacted a friend of mine about getting together and he sees nothing wrong with that because the guy gave him his business card when he met him through me, several weeks before we broke up. It seems as though I cannot go “no contact” without giving up social and spiritual things I have enjoyed.
Dear James,
I’m glad you came here, this is a healing place and will answer many of your questions.
He obviously didn’t/doesn’t have a social network of his own (probably poisoned the last one) so is seeking new terrritory, and has unfortunately moved in our your coat tails to your church and group of friends. This is obviously very deliberate.
Since you don’t have a choice about “evicting” him from your church or the pews you sit in, which he knows and is using, I don’t have a solution to that. Trying to “REASON” with him is not going to work either, and actually may encourage him, as he knows he is acheiving his intended purpose in being there in the first place.
I would suggest that you (for the time being) find another congergation or attend a different service so that you don’t have to encounter him (this FEEDS his ego)
Your description sounds just “down the line” complete psychopath manipulator and unfortunately NO CONTACT and no responses to their contacts IS THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE IT.
Eventually he will find a new victim and move on, but in the mean time, I advise to AVOID him completely. I know it seems like he has taken over YOUR place at your church-home and gotten away with it, but in the long run, he won’t stay around there too long and I think will vacate it when he sees you are no longer there to prance in front of. This is his revenge and he is enjoying it as long as he sees you squirm.
Good luck and God bless.