Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
James:
Wait him out….find another place of worship or another time at that church…..
When he finds he will not ‘get to you’, and has worked teh crowd all he can…..he will quit going. It won’t be any fun for him and will ‘cost’ him too much of his precious time he could be using to manipulate someone else.
It will not be ‘fun’ or rewarding for him, especially since he is a church ‘newbie’.
I know it’s not fair…..and some would say ‘stand your ground’, but I don’t think this will offer you the best approach…..this is a ‘short term’ situation…..for him, he will give up.
No emails, not coffee’s, no nothing,,,,,NO CONTACT….
=No fun for them……no fun=give up and move on….
this is the ultimate prize for YOU!
Stay strong, love yourself and wait him out.
XXOO
Welcome James – I agree with the above advice. Don’t give him that power he will feel when he see’s you there and knows he is intimadating you. Call it reverse physcology – beat him at his game. The final discard belongs too you – so just go no contact = no interest – no nothing and he will get bored and move on to another game, hopefully with someone else. Besides you need to heal from the madness – spend some time on you and learning more about scum like him and how to avoid more scum in the future – …
Thank you all. This was my VERY FIRST post but I have been helped so much by reading this blog over the last 8 weeks. I’m so glad I found it so soon after I left him. Also glad I cut my losses with him at 7 months instead of trying to make it work.
I knew early on that something was not quite right with him. I even made jokes to friends that I thought maybe he was missing a chromosome. Right after breaking up I began to see what he was all about when he kept showing up at social groups and church services that I introduced him to and making them his own. In 7 months, he neither contributed anything socially to our relationship, nor did I meet one of his friends. So the term “social parasite” came to mind because I began to see that I had been his host, and he was trying to reap the benefits. Then the word “sociopath” came up and I realized it’s a word that gets thrown around a lot but that i didn’t actually know the exact meaning. So i googled it and WOW, what an eye-opener! It answered SO MANY questions about his bizaare and inconsistent behavior. and now, with the last week of email exchange with him, in which I was basically kissing his ass in order to reach some kind of peace around this church attendence issue, I think I have come up with yet a new term “Emotional Terrorist,” someone who seeks only to destroy the good which someone else is trying to establish.
So all beware of the EVIL TRINITY: Sociopath, the father, Social Parasite, the son and Emotional Terrorist, the spirit. Btw, I am a Christian and do my best to be a good person towards anyone I meet. I apologize if this analogy offended anyone, I certainly would not mock God or my faith. I merely see this man as an evil monster doing the devil’s work. When people ask me if i believe in God and why, i cannot tell them why, except because I believe and have faith that there is a God. However, one thing I never doubt is the existence of evil, it is everywhere around us and it’s up to us to be on guard to not fall into its trap.
I’ll wrap this up because I tend to go on too long, mainly because people in my life don’t quite understand the effect this ordeal has had and continues to have on my life. But i know you all know exactly what i’m talking about and it feels so validating to have this forum to share in.
I asked my priest if he would talk to me to help me find a way to make peace with this since he has known me for 8 years and knows the situation, plus has always been very supportive of me,.,, as well as gay issues. I meet with him from time to time and has always been there for me. I explained to him in an email how threatened I feel and I don’t know what to do and if i could talk to him soon about this, about saving my spiritual life which is feeling compromised. His response was “this conversation will need to wait until after labor day weekend…….church and family commitments means my calendar is full. You may get back in touch in September.”
Maybe i’m being too touchy but I feel like he doesn’t want any part of it. I am not asking for anything except his wisdom of finding a way to peacefully resolve this problem within my heart. I know nothing can be done about the physical presence of him at my service and i made it clear that’s not what i was asking for.
It seems like the work of a S is to get under your skin to the point where you begin to convince others that you are the crazy one, am I right-on with this assessment?
Thanks to everyone who shares here and makes this site so invaluable to those of us who need to constantly be reminded that this is not all in our heads, that this crazy shit really did happen. I try to document every memory that comes back in a realistic way so that i can look back and know that I didn’t imagine this stuff or make it up and that I did the right thing in leaving him to save myself.
Peace and love,
James
Andrew/James:
Welcome. You have come to the right place. Like you I am a gay man. On this site you will find gay, straight, people of every race and career stripe. You will also find people who understand.
You are right. Your priest doesn’t understand. Unless you have had one of these non-human vehicles of discord destroy your life, I think a person is hard pressed to relate to what a sociopath can do to another person.
The behaviors exhibited by your S are pure sociopath. The parasitism, the gaslighting, the smear campaign. You’ve got all the indicia. I recounted my story in a December 2008 posting “Criminal Defense Attorney Falls for Sociopath.” You might find some stuff in my story that you can relate to.
Also, read Kathy Hawke’s articles on recovering from a sociopath. There are a lot of stages to go through. I have to be honest — I don’t think you are anywhere near the “forgiveness” stage with your sociopath. That takes a long time, if ever to get to. Kathy has done an article on that, too. But, I’d read her articles in order — I think they’ll give you a lot of clarity on the process.
Also, read the articles in the archives. Knowledge = power when it comes to dealing with these subhumans. Also, you’ve got to stop emailing/phoning etc with your ex. NC (no contact) is the only way you can get past them. Sometimes that means you’ve got to find a new sandbox or church in your case. There have been others on this site who have had to deal with exactly this same issue. I am sure they can give you some good advice.
Also, consider reading the books “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare, “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout and “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes. The former two will give you a lot of insight as to how sociopaths operate, and the latter will give you a lot of insight on how you came to be involved with your S.
You’ve come to a place of healing. Welcome.
James
Exactly! even though you don’t want to change, I suggest that you adjust your routine.
The point of his harrasment is revenge. You are not allowed to dump them, only they are and will dump you. To them we are objects.
Go to a service at a different time or another church, If you are not there for him to see for a while, he will tire of the game of harrasing you and he will move on to the next object. Then you can return to your normal schedule
James,
like you, i’m 2 months out of a S or P relationship, and new to reading/posting on LF.
you said ‘When you try to document every memory that comes back in a realistic way so that i can look back and know that I didn’t imagine this stuff or make it up’…what i have found to be most helpful is to now look at that memory (aka nightmare), then turn it into a positive…’the next person i am with will go to church with me, will treat me with respect, etc.
isn’t it so very interesting that they ‘take over’ your social circle, places, etc. mine had no friends, or family that would talk with him. he now is trying to buddy-up with anyone he can. of course, he’s the chameleon, don juan, suave, knows all the right things to say, etc, etc. it takes us soo long to develop a good supportive environment for ourselves, only to have to leave it….
i love your comment “I did the right thing in leaving him to save myself.”
i ran into my X-S this weekend. i felt incredibly strong. The white light surrounding me. he couldn’t touch me. i looked at him with pity. he looks worn out to me. he tried to talk, but everything that came out of his mouth showed just how shallow he is. he was even confessing without even knowing it. when he took a moment breather, i told him ‘you are dead to me.’ he kept talking; i held up my hand and said ‘the dead don’t talk.’ i waved him off. it was awesome.
it must be xtra hard for him now (no sob)… trying to keep up the bullsh.. image. he’s running wild. can’t get enuf women…but i can see he’s runnin scared. who’s gonna take care of the axx. he has nothing to show for/nothing to his name…he’s gotta quickly find someone to buy him the boat, oh and the house on the water, or even come up w/ a deposit for a new (high-end of course) apartment, keep him traveling to new places…what’s he to do when he needs money, a place to live, has surgery, etc. oh yeah, he will have to use them, too!
Like a locust in a field.
Blessings and (((hugs)))
Candy
Wow and Congrats
That has not happened to me yet , I would prefer that it doesn’t. But I will deal with it then instead of worrying about what may never happen.
http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/
Well, the real kicker for me is: I married two psychopaths and had children with both of them. I raised my two children by my first marriage alone. I had one child by the second hub and remained in that marriage mostly for my child. Here is the kick: they are all just like their fathers. All my love, devotion and hard work to have them turn out just like their fathers-as adults. [they were all super sweet children] Talk about being broken hearted. Almost killed me literally. I am healing some now, but it’s true…..you must accept the reality and process and release the pain one step at a time.
Dear Twice Betrayed,
My heart goes out to you, I too had a psychopathic son, though his father was not a P, both his grandfathers were/are. My sperm donor was before his death last june as violent and bad a psychopath as I have ever known, my P-son is just like him. His father’s father was also a high level narcissistic psychopath with big bad control issues. There is a great deal of genetics involved in the psychopathic personality disorders. My P-son was an absolutely jewel of a younger child, but when he hit the teenaged years he morphed into a MONSTER. He is now in prison for murder (when he was 20) and that was his second prison offense.
Two years ago I escaped from the man he sent to kill me for an inheritence. the man ended up in prison after he started an affair with my other son’s wife and the two of them tried to kill my son (her husband) when he found out about the affair. She also went to jail. They are both out now.
I am fortunate that I have one good son and one wonderful adopted son, but it is still a horrible pain that my other son was/is a monster, much less that if he ever does get out of prison there is nothing in the world but a bullet that will keep him from killing me. I am prepared to do everything I can to keep him in prison (from getting parole) and when he comes up for parole on his murder charge I will be there as will his brothers begging the parole board to NOT let him out. If he gets out anyway, I will ahve to go into hiding from him and leave my home and all that goes with it.
Trying to have ANY kind of relationship with these P-offspring is heart breaking and it was only when I went totally NO contact that I was able to start healing.
I even started to think of my wonderful child (that he WAS) as deceased at about age 12 or so, and actually had a private “memorial service” where I buried this “child” and the “man” that “got his organs” is a stranger that I don’t even want to know or grieve for. I literally see the child and the man as two separate individuals and the child is GONE, dead. Never to return. I can still love and miss that child but have come to accept that he is gone, just as I miss my deceased husband but have come to peace with is death as well.
God bless you in your pain and grief. I definitely can relate. ((((Hugs))))
Dear Candy,
Wonderful response!!!! I’m glad you are here and learning how to protect yourself and spot the next one….and there always will be “next ones” as they are in every place we go, every crowd there is. Friends, neighbors, bosses, co-workers, etc. we can never get away from one level or another of the disordered….but we can protect ourselves by learning and HEEDING the red flags that they put up to show what they REALLY ARE!!!
Good for you! and again, welcome. God bless.