Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Tilly!!! Why do I need your boomerang!! Please tell me before I leave for the funeral tomorrow, ok?
Dear Twice Betrayed,Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you, but I lost the thread,{an easy thing to do, as there are so many different threads!,}I am so pleased that I finally have people,-like you,Tilly,, and Oxy, who understand where were coming from as they have been there. You cant go on about your kids being Narc/sociopaths to your friends, because usually they a} dont believe you, and b} think your prob. an unfit mother to even SUSPECT your adult darlings are cruel evil manipulative horrible people. Apart from which, until I discovered Lovefraud, and other sited re arc/SocioPsychos,I always secretly thought, “maybe they are all correct, ie, I am the problem, not them!” Im not surein my ex husband was a sociopath, but he was {and still is} a alcoholic.Up to the time my older daughter ran off the rails,{left school, ran away from home, got into sex drugs, alcohol}he had been doing very well and we were happy,-hed been sober 10 years,and I was proud of him for staying dry.That all change dwhen my daughter fell in with a punk group, stopped studying,{up till then shed had straight As in every subject, and was, we thought, a Uni candidate}.My younger daughter, C.,now 43, has NEVER allowed me to see her 3 kids, and like your daughter, is a total control freak. It realy amazes me that everyone{except me now,} dances to her tune, or else! She refuses to marry her rich jewish boyfriend,but has been with him for about 14 years. The rich Mum in Law pays all the bills, the nanny, the school fees, etc.
She was such a sweet, loving little girl, I cant believe how she has changed.I posted earlier, that when the two girls were visiting me in my tiny rented flat, after Id left my ex, C. lay down on my bed for a nap after lunch, and fell asleep. She looked so beautiful with her long blonde hair on th pillow. I lay down beside her, and I remember the tears running into my ears, as I held her. She woke up and said,”What are you doing? get off! You are wetting my hair!”{with my tears.}
Later, I had to ring up my ex to ask him if he could help to pay my dentist, as I had a huge abcess under a root canal. he agreed to pay half, arounf A$200-. The next day, C. rang me up, furious,”How dare you ask dad to pay your dental bills? he doesnt owe you anything!’ I couldnt believe how callous she was, and still is.!The only comfort I have with all this is that ,if they are emotionally so shallow and stunted, presumably they dont feel such anguish, pain and heartbreak as they put us through! It seems they never feel remorse for their actions, so never feel they have to apologise,EVER.Emotionally thre is something missing, Ive felt this for a long time. They both just use people, then discard them once theyve sucked them dry.Its like they are wired all wrong.Ive now totally given up any thought of seing Cs 3 kids, now 13, 10,{I think} and one year. She had the last baby at 42, much to the joy and delight of the jewish Mum in Law.David and I have been frozen out, presumably were not rich or famous enough!I should feel sorry for them, but I need to save my sympathy for myself, and my husband!
He now cant stand either of them and has no wish to see either if them again, he has seen the pain they have put me thru for 25 years!!geminigirlXX
Sorry ANL, I was responding to one of your older emails about your wand! I am not “with it” at the moment, I have too much on my plate and I have “hit the wall”.( i.e. working, uni, sick and watching my son go downhill etc. ) I think i have been going flat out to stop feeling my feelings of grief about my daughter and my middle son.but I wish you well. You deserve the very best. You are a beautiful soul.
Geminigirl:
I so identify with the abuse you suffered from your daughter. It is so fresh a wound in my heart. And you are very right about how others don’t understand (except on this site)_.Thankyou for sharing again, it makes me feel not as alone. xoxoxo
Tilly:
Repeat after me…..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can…………
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You are making choices, as is your son and other children….you must allow yourself to feel the pain…..grieve and take these lessons with you and grow from the experience and gain wisdom through them.
CHOOSE TILLY, CHOOSE TILLY!!!!
NOW…..REPEAT THE ABOVE OVER AND OVER AND OVER…..
And make it a wonderfu ozzy day …..
Do something nice for TILLY today!
Dearest Tilly, Thank God we have each other on LF!!Why dont you send me an email? Id like to send you some pics of my Narc/sociopath daughter, I need an opinion a to what you think of her. Still beautiful but what a phoney smile, it doesnt reach her eyes! God, what did we ever do to deserve kids like this?Dont feel alone, your NOT alone! We love you, and we’re in this together, kid! We must learn not to beat ourselves up, we did the best we knew how, and now that we know better, were doing better!TOWANDA!!!We should save our pity and compassion for ourselves, because they sure as hell dont give a flying F–fourex about us!!They will get theirs one day, actually d. is in the middle of it now. No job, lost [or threw away] a lovely husband,no car,no savings, lots of debt, no home, eventually shell run out of people to suckerpunch! I havent heard a word from her since I wrote to tell her the Mum bank is now closed, and also set my 2 boundaries.One being to apologise for all the low life things shes done to me.I doubt shell ever do this, so that means NC,NC,NC! Its workin for me!!Love and {{Hugs}]] gemXXX
Geminigirl:
I am glad your on the road to a better place…..you have come so far since first posting.
Knowledge does = power…..
The pain fades, yet it will always be there……just in a different compartment…..ONE WE CHOOSE!
Congratulations on your personal growth, awareness and decisions to allow your new famil to grow in peace and harmony…..
I hope your journey continues in this direction….you are a value to LF, thank you for your contributions.
BEST of everything to YOU and David!!!!
XXOO
Please excuse me, but there is something I want to say to the Psycho I knew just to get it out………….
“For someone as intelligent as you, you sure are dumb, an emotional retard, common sense challanged, and clueless of scruples.
You are a f–king LIAR!!!!!
F–king liars are wimps to the zenith who aren’t able to stand on there own.
As a bloodsucking leech and loser you will some how – some way suffer the karma and the pain you inflict on others. Although you don’t deserve it, I feel sorry for you.”
Disgusting.
Obviously, I have alot of healing and peace to find.
JAN:
Exuse you……..NO WAY…..I encourage you to get it out…..let it go……You said it, you wrote it…..and didn’t it feel good reading it!
This is what you need to continue on……best said here, than where it will not be heard…..directed at your P!
This is great! Let it goooooooooo!
Anger creates healing…..embrace the anger on your journey. It’s a healthy response to the trauma and betrayal.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
WELL SAID!
Now…..go enjoy a hot cup of tea and relax.
XXOO
Erin
After reading many of the posts on this site I am confused as to the nature of a true sociopath. Can such a person seem to be a mild-mannered individual not given to bullying or domination?
Here’s a very short version of my story. I married a younger man who seemed to be a intelligent, gentle soul that wouldn’t hurt a fly. When this man did really destructive things to our lives, I often thought that he was just incredibly immature or that he had fear issues. He seemed capable of true love but over time I came to realize that he was only capable of expressing love but not really feeling love.
My ex is a parasite in that he actually seems to become the person he is with. He adopts one’s hobbies, likes and dislikes, religion, etc. With me he was a gentle and devout Christian that seemed to share my future goals and ideals. Yet, throughout our marriage he sabotoged every plan we made however small and he ruined us financially. He is a psychopathic liar, a thief and a total fraud. He claimed that God never answered his prayers and that he had deep rooted fears of confrontation while he did awful things in secret” yet, he always left clues and trails that would ultimately bring about discovery of what he was doing. For example, he lost his job with the USPS and was charged with grand larceny when he was caught on video stealing from his cash drawer. He knew the camera was there. He bounced hundreds of checks over a 15 year period. He borrowed money that he never paid back while writing checks that I would see that made it seem like he was paying the money back. On and on I could go about the things that this man did to himself, to me, to his own daughter and finally to my entire family. In 2005 he began an affair with my son’s wife that resulted in disaster for me and my son. He left me homeless, destitute and unemployed (I was 55 at the time.) when he ’took over’ my son’s life stealing his wife, his home and all that he had. Now he is married to my ex-daughter-in-law and lives is what use to be my son’s home. He doesn’t seem to have any guilt at all regarding what he has done and he doesn’t seem to mind the fact that my grandchildren absolutely despise him or that what he and their mother have done has hurt these children emotionally. He also abandoned his own daughter and now claims a broken heart over the idea that she wants nothing to do with him.
There is a good deal more to this story but it isn’t needful to go over it here. My confusion about this man and the concept of a sociopath is that he is not physically violent, is not a bully, is not much of a charmer, is extremely quiet and shy acting, is very introverted and seems to avoid the limelight in every situation. He is capable of putting on a personality that will appeal to certain types of women (me included) but I don’t believe that he actually has a real personality. I would have called him an incomplete individual and a narcissist but there are aspects of the things that he has done to others that convince me that he is a heartless sociopath.
I’d appreciate some feedback regarding this type of individual. I’ve had a very hard time getting over all of the things that have happened over the last many years. Now, he is affecting my grandchildren and I’ve seen ugly changes in them because of his presence in their lives. I also believe that my ex-daughter-in-law is a very deluded individual that believes that everything that my ex-husband did while he was married to me was because of his ’fear’ of me. (The man claims to have a phobic fear of any type of confrontation.) Furthermore, since he has been with her, he has ’become’ exactly like her.