Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Erin, Thank you so much for your nice comments about me! Its hard to asses if Im making progress, but if you think I am, a little, thats good news! It aint easy, but as you all say,NC NCNC forever is the only way to be!It DOES get easier, Im NOT missing the worry, drama, guilt,fear, treading on eggshells, ie the whole Narc/Sociopath thing!And I keep reminding myself, every time I start to worry about my older daughter,”Is she, right this minute, worrying about me, and how I am?” Of course not! So STOP that malignant wory in its tracks before it gets a hold.So thank you! Bless you! geminigirlXX
Tilly, thank you for explaining and that you were perhaps giving me a “love tap” with your boomerang, like i gave Henry with my “magic wand”?
i haven’t healed as much as i thought. My immediate response had been — what did i do wrong?!!! you aren’t alone in feeling not “with it.” Yesterday was terribly complicated for me and I didn’t handle it very successfully!
i have more work to do on myself!
We both need to take some self-care time, don’t we? I can’t until Sunday, though.
kieve, just thought I’d say hi, even though your blog is to Erin. Your ex sounds like a bullying, dominating person to me. His other traits… liar, theif, fraud? The mild-manner and going to church sounds exactly like how you described… he became you! Keep reading the articles here and posting your thoughts, I know you’ll get a lot of insight from the people here at LF. I have to get ready for work now and have to log off! He sounds sickening, married to his former daughter-in-law? He doesn’t sound shy and introverted to me.
Kieve,
He’s sounds absolutely awful.
It seems there’s a great dichotomy with psychopaths.
On one side they seem so wonderful. They hook your heart and soul. It’s so comfortable and nice to have met someone so special.
Then, they distroy and display horrors that are 10 fold worse than their positive attributes.
It’s the nature of the devil himself.
Here’s the lyrics to
‘Sympathy for the Devil’
By the Rolling Stones
Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year, Stole many a man’s soul and faith
And I was ’round when Jesus Christ, Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate, Washed his hands and sealed his fate
CHORUS: Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name
But what’s puzzling you Is the nature of my game
I stuck around St. Petersberg, When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Czar and his ministers, Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank, Held a general’s rank, When the Blitzkrieg raged, And the bodies stank
CHORUS
I watched with glee, While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades, For the Gods they made
I shouted out, “Who killed the Kennedys?”
When after all, It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadors, Who get killed before they reached Bombay
CHORUS
Just as every cop is a criminal, And all the sinners Saints
As heads is tails, Just call me Lucifer, ‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint
So if you meet me, Have some courtesy, Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse, Or I’ll lay your soul to waste, um yeah
ErinBrockovich,
Thank you so much.
I am most grateful for this site.
The people here are really really great and it’s tremendous
getting validation for the situation we find ourselves in.
It seems unless you’ve been victimized by P, you don’t truly understand.
Jan – that has always been one of my favorite Stone’s songs – which some folks find surprising for a Christian person – BUT, I love it because it is SO TRUE! Now it has even more meaning.
geminigirl,
I am sorry for your hurt!!! I sorry for you and all the mothers who so love/give to their children only to have
this in return. You are so right……nobody really understands but us. Some of my friends find these behaviors so foreign they just don’t/can’t relate. Unless you have been treated this way and dealt with these people…I guess it just cannot be a reality. And actually, we have trouble understanding it ourselves even tho we have/live it. Unbelieveable.
I am standing my ground to my overbearing daughter but she has cut me off from my granddaughter…………and that may cause me to have a breakdown. That little girl loves me and I love her with all my heart. I am so torn…….if I do not bow and take the abuse…..I will lose my granddaughter. I do not know what to do…….
Dear Twice betrayed,
One of my dearest friends raised her P-son’s daughter from age 6 mo to 8 years, and then her son remarried (another P) and cut her off from her granddaughter. She ended up volunteering at the girl’s school to get to see her…the girl is 13 now, and my friend has made peace with her P mother in order to see the girl on the bio-mother’s weekends…it has been rough on both the girl and her grandmother and I have held her hand through out all of this. My friend has 11 kids by her P x-husband who is now deceased, and all of the boys (5) are “just like their father”—-it breaks her heart, but she has managed to keep a relationship with the little girl, who is now a teenager. The child is now starting to see what her father is and that his words don’t match his actions.
Don’t give up hope, and you don’t have to have a “breakdown”—you may feel like you will, but stay strong. I know you are strong because you ahve survived this long, so hang in there. I have felt utter despair in my own situation, but have come to peace with it, and you can too!!!
I was so looking forward to grandchildren, but because of my P son, I won’t be having any, but while for a while I was devestated, I am so glad that I don’t have YOUR situation.
Another friend of mine has 2 grandsons she loves dearly by a P-X DIL and the X-DIL lost custody of them when she took one of them (18 months old) on a BURGULARY attempt in which she and her then BF were trying to break in to a person’s home, and had guns, and got arrested—-and child services gave them back to her recently, instead of to the father (my friend’s son) though he has a stable marriage and a good job (but lives in another state.) There are, I suspect, millions of such stories in the US alone. Sad.
Dear OxDrover,
Thank you for your words of encouragement!! I am so glad you do not have this worry. I feel badly too for having participated in keeping this going another generation. My counselor says that is just me willing to accept too much responsibility on my part. I guess it is.
I am in a real tight spot….aren’t we always with these people?…in that I want to be me but my kids will not permit it. They will NOT allow anyone to have a personality or any human rights but themselves. I can keep away from my two older ones but the younger one has this granddaughter…..so the power play continues. If I dare try to assert my personality or personal rights or feelings some huge drama or game goes down. Then I am cut off again. So: even tho I am away from the X and my two older ones the pain goes on. These people use everything and everyone to gain power over others. I guess they just do not care anything about fairness and true love. This…I cannot understand.
Boy, I cannot imagine 11 children. Especially by a P! These P men make certain their seed goes on even if they do abandon their wives/girlfriends. My first one abandoned me and our child and I was pregnant with our second one. After my recent divorce he tried to come back into my life. Get this: he and my younger daughter are friends! She goes to visit him overnight at his home out of town! If it’s not enough that my older daughter carried on a secret affair with my husband, my younger one visits my first hub who is both my older daughter and son’s father. Listen, I just cannot relate to this behavior. I am an animal rescuer and frankly, I see better behavior from my animals!
Dear Twice betrayed,
That (having an affair with your husband) is SO TYPICAL of the psychopaths. Yes, they USE EVERYONE, even their children, to help “punish” the victims they go after.
Being their mother makes you a PRIME TARGET for them because of “control” issues—my P-son still bears a terrible grudge against me nearly 25 years later because I “trumped his ace” when he was 11 an d pulled his first theft, got caught, then ran away, and I ended up taking control of him and putting him in a spot that he could not “wiggle out of” and had to take the consequences. Then when he was 17 and stole all the computers from our friends whose business was totally SHUT DOWN by the theft, I WAS THE ONE WHO CAUGHT HIM AND TURNED HIM IN TO THE LAW. That was the UNFORGIVEABLE CRIME on my part. so 20 years later, I am still someone he wants to punish and control any way he can, and since the best way to punish me is to kill me, which would also give him an inheritance with his brothers (we have a family land trust and if I were to die BEFORE my egg donor, he would inherit half of it. If I outlived her, he would get NOTHING as I am in total control at that point and have disinherited him from my personal estate (which would then include the land–which is quite valuable)
Your children may not be criminals, as mine CHOSE to become, but they are just as willing and able to use any means they can think of to PUNISH you for being their mother. Use of children as “weapons” for this is quite a common occurrence.
Understanding the WHY is at first one of the things we grapple with as victims, but after a while, of learning and digesting the “UN-believable” we can start to process this for what it is, simply EVIL. There is really no “why” to EVIL except, just because….
We realize that the chemical and physical composition of the psychopath’s brains are not the same as ours, just as we may not be able to communicate with someone who is schizophrenic, because their ‘reality” is not OUR reality. Comprehending the “reality” of the psychopath, the emotions, the will to commit evil because they enjoy causing others pain, punishing others, etc. is just not totally comprehensible to us on an emotional level. They do not share the same reality we do, the same motives we do.
I am an animal trainer (various species) and also spent several years in my youth as a professional wild animal photographer, and have spent quite a bit of time with captive wild animals.
Just as you will never be able to “domesticate” a tiger in one generation or many other animals, because their genetics plays such a role in their behavior, thinking, instincts, etc. you can never fully “domesticate” a psychopath because they do not share with us the same value systems, instincts, and emotions any more than a dog (descended from a wolf) is not the same as a wolf, no matter how you treat the wolf like a dog, it really only becomes a semblance of one, but never truly a dog. A tiger, even raised by humans is never a house cat, will never be a house cat, and is perfectly able to and will eventually harm the owner if it is given the opportunity (all the PUBLIC claims of these animal act trainers to the CONTRARY)
When we end up raising a child who has the genetic characteristics of a psychopath (no conscience, no empathy, little fear, and plenty of entitlement and anger/rage) there is little that we can do about it except to ACCEPT that we have raised one, and there is no fixing that relationship. Our pain comes from the EXPECTATION that we raised an offspring that shared our emotions, etc. and many times they don’t show up as what they really are until puberty or beyond. Our expectations of reciprocal love from our children, of empathy and conscience and that wonderful, bright, endearing child we thought was a “human” when in fact, that child becomes an adult who is EVIL, malicious, etc. tears our hearts out, because we kept hoping that their lack of these good qualities we thought we taught them are REAL.
I used to have a sign in my office at home that said “I feel so much better since I gave up HOPE”—giving up the Malignant HOPE that we held is like cutting out a cancer, it hurts but it must be done in order for the pain, the continued devastation and eventually (emotional) death will occur. It hurts, but getting it out of our hearts, minds, etc. will eventually lead us to PEACE AND COMFORT.
KEEP YOUR FAITH IN THAT GOAL, IT IS REACHABLE.
Keep reading here, and I suggest you read Dr. Leedom’s posts (they are linked on the left side of the blog) and the Scientific ones linked there as well. There is a great deal of scientific evidence that to a great extent that they are hard-wired. Dr. Leedom and others hope that there is something that can be done for the “at risk” child (a child with at least one P parent) early on to teach them empathy at a young age.
The jury is still out for me on this possibility. I think, however, that even with lack of empathy there are those who choose to not commit felonies, etc. and to stay on the shinny side of the law, but their personal internal world is just as bad as the crimiinal psychopath, but they don’t do the damage to society as a whole, like murder, robbery etc. However, they do damage their children emotionally as well as pass on their genes.
My P-sperm donor had me, and then 3 others by another woman. Only one of the 4 of us turned out to be a P, however, my own P-son is “just like his GRAND-father” that he never met. Though my P-sperm donor never went to prison, I do know of two murders he committed, but there was no way to prove it, and there may have been more murders.
I have had periods of calm in my life when I wasn’t intimately involved with psychopaths, but much of my life has been consumed in dealing with them, or the aftermaths of their damage.
It is only now that I am realizing that not only psychopaths who are criminal are TOXIC to me, but the “socialized” ones who can “pass” for “human” (at least for a while) and I am systematically ELIMINATING all such from my life. Since I am retired it is easier for me to do this than for some others who must work with them.
Dr. Hare’s book “Snakes in Suits” might be a great one for you to read as it describes “sociopaths at work” and your children sound like they fit this profile of the “successful” one who goes to work and stays below the legal radar.
Look at Bernie Madoff, who stole billions and only after age 70 got caught and prosecuted. TYPICAL “white collar” psychopath.
Keep on reading, knowledge will help you come to Peace, I promise you—but it will also be a tough journey of letting your expectations go, and accepting reality, and accepting that YOU CAN be happy even with this reality. (((Hugs))) and God bless you!