Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Hummingbird –
I can echo your experience – both of my “S”‘s were not the type to do any physical violence or financial harm, at least not huge financial ruin.
The first one posed himself as an exemplary Christian – one peg down from the Apostle Paul himself (gag) – everything he said/did had a “Christian” backing, so it would be impossible to charge him with anything. But the mind-play almost sent me to the psych ward. I noticed a clear pattern to his behavior with me and realized it was a game he was playing. Motive? I was giving him free daycare for his son (he couldn’t afford it due to lengthy court battle for custody), we had him and son over for meals at least twice a week, and we gave him a small loan. Which, amazingly, he paid back — but of course, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be living up to his reputation. Except for the free daycare. He suggested we sue the boy’s mother for that. ha ha. The only other motive I can think of was just the joy of mind control. He told me how I should decorate my house (scripture verses on the walls), what I should be reading, what I should be listening to, how long I should be reading the Bible for each day…. gosh, since I have started with this wonderful group it is amazing the stuff I am remembering – this was at least 8 years ago….
The second S, which was spring of this year – I think he was mainly after sexual “entertainment”. Of course he spoke of love, but did not want to leave his wife (yep, I was the OW), I was going to be the “fries on the side”, or whatever he could take from me. And he could not give ME anything. Except anxiety attacks. Which did not seem to bother him, of course.
So glad I “cut and ran”, and my marriage is strong now and my hubby is protective, cause I am still in a weak place while healing.
And, like JAH said above, more and more stuff is hitting me. I did delete all his emails, all evidence, cause I didn’t think at the time that it was helpful for me to re-read. I think I’d like to see them again now, though, think I might be strong enough and would like to see what evidence shows up now that I can really see it. Oh well, I just have to remember what I can – it was all bad.
Could I ask for some feedback here? I have a situation. Growing up I had a best friend (second cousin) who lived on our street – so we grew up in each other ‘s homes. Her younger brother is my brother’s age and also HIS best friend. My friend, knowing what I now know – had some kind of personality problem. I endured a lot of crap from her growing up – very controlling. If we fought, I always had to apologize. then, we could act like nothing happened again. Well, one time at age 19, we fought, I didn’t want to take her shopping like she wanted me to, she stopped talking to me, and I never apologized. She hasn’t talked to me for 25 years now. We are civil when we HAVE to see each other. Family deaths, etc. But that is it.
Her family (who still lives on my street) is giving a huge party tonight to celebrate my brother and her brother’s 40th birthday. I have acknowledged my brother’s birthday on two occaisions already. But I am expected to be at this party. I have always been told that I must be “bigger than the situation”. I am tired of swallowing this. My children – two teens – want to go, and are free to, that is fine – but they don’t see why I have a problem with it, and think I should be obligated to go. My husband, amazingly, stands with me, and says we don’t have to go. His family would expect us to go (we are all either related or friends).
How do I get over this guilt and/or fear of what others will think if we don’t have a good enough excuse for not going. Or would it be better for me to just suck it up and go. what do you all think – I know it is a really minor issue but it’s really upsetting me.
PINow:
When they go on ‘good behavior’…..I would pay attention…..this is ‘what we want’….BUT…..It’s not the reality….I look at it as, I won’t get caught up and off balance by the good behavior……I PAY ATTENTION MORE……It will give you clues as to what he is up to.
It’s a breadcrumb…….follow the trail……as I recall, you are not done with your divorce/custody…..if I am correct…..definately follow the trail…..IT WILL LEAD YOU TO MORE RECON info.
The last time mine was nice…….I didn’t get sucked in…..I KNEW the reality……so I pulled on my ‘inner sociopath’ and played him and exploited his niceties…..he had no clue…..because, generally, I was nice most of the times……this time was no different…..I played nice……but I was gathering info and playing on his ‘nice act’…….pretented he was ‘drawing me in’…….and worked him for info and gave me access to his house he lived in……alone……HA!
This was when I found the drugs and took photos of all bills, cc’s, invoices, receipts, and JOURNALS……OMG….what a freak to write what he did in those journals……His writing, black and white…..twisted, but valuable to me in court.
It also kept me grounded as to WHAT he is……even know if I look back at some of this stuff…..It is so very clear he is sick and twisted, and there is no doubt!
So……to answer your question……..KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED…..he may think he sucked you in with his niceties…….but you will be in CONTROL this time!!!!
IT’s fake and he wants something.
PERIOD!
Cutandrun, This is just a guess, but I’m thinkin that if this woman has had her personality flaw for all these years, you won’t be the only one trying to figure out how to decline the invitation simply to avoid HER! Send your kids, stay home with your hubby and hold your head up high. If they ask your teens where you are, they don’t have to say anything but my Mom and Dad are sorry but they couldn’t make it PERIOD. You don’t owe ANYONE any explanation other than that…I’ve learned that I really have only my conscience and God to answer to… it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and they’ll get over it! You’re simply sparing yourself being in the presence of someone who is nasty and unforgiving and who will probably make you so uncomfortable that you won’t even enjoy the whole PURPOSE of the party which is a birthday celebration! No guilt involved in that…good luck with your decision
Thank you! Feeling much better about it now!
You are right, Erin. He does want something, not from me per se, but from the courts. He’s “nice” to pull one over the court system, to show me in a bad light, to destroy my evidence. He’s now a changed man, hallelujah. We’ve all heard that one, haven’t we? I am not the most patient being myself, but willing to wait it out.
I don’t know why my nights are becoming so difficult…I’m so afraid of going back to that deep dark place that made me feel that there was only one escape from the never ending pain. I hurt physically…emotionally…loneliness is setting in and I miss him, at least I miss what I thought he was… I hate that place and I hate him for making me want to go there…
Oxdrover, do you live in Washington. Perhaps my P killed your husband. that’s what he does, slander, poison and sabotage: cars and airplanes and helicopters for anyone he doesn’t like or owes money to. No, of course I can’t prove it, but I know it’s true. He even said once to me: “so and so (can’t remember the name) noticed that everyone who ever fucks me over ends up dying in a plane crash.”
Hey, sleepless ones. I just came from a movie, where I saw a preview of Stepfather. It was an interesting scenario: me on a date falling into rapid anxious breathing over a clip: a wanted murderer got into a woman’s heart and family, pretending to be the best thing they all could ever wish for. Had to explain to my date why I was breaking into tears and having a panic attack. Not a good date scenario.
Hummingbird, I share your experiences. yet, more than anything I want him to never return into my life. I found that there is a world inside that I have totally ignored while being with the P: my thoughts, feelings, my hobbies, desires, interests. Suddenly, when I looked inside, I realized that there is a girl that needs my adult protection, there are aspects of me that must still mature and I cannot afford to waste my tears over an illusionary person. When we are alone, we may learn to not feel lonely. It’s sometimes more lonely when we are with those who don’t share our views and don’t understand our heart.
It’d be neat to see all Ps shipped to some deserted island. Wonder how long life will last there.
KIEVE:
Are you still here? I am sorry, I missed your post to me! Yikes….
From what you describe, he seems to have the lies down, betrayal, lack of empathy, compassion, chamelion type, great actor……and a stealth style……
He’s like a silent but deadly type. You can smell him, but not hear or see him.
I had a girlfriend who had a husband such as ‘yours’…..I said to her….(OH, I criinge), at an early part of my discovery, and trying to figure out ‘who’ ‘type’ of man I should date…… I said, I need a guy like her husband…….OMG…..was I wrong…
A month after making this statement….I found out he was sleeping with ‘4th street’ downtown crack whores…..UNPROTECTED!
Now, this guy is a ‘nerd’ type….unassuming, as far as she has said, never violent or verbally ourtrageious. He’s a ‘sleeper’….one you would never expect, but he has done this the whole 18 year marriage. He has lied, cheated, manipulated…….but all silently.
So we can call/lable them whatever….BUT the reality is they are TOXIC! Toxic is good enough to be away from them.
I know it’s mind boggeling to try and figure them out…..and I just couldn’t give up that thought when I was in the ‘questioning’ period…..
It seemed easy to me when I started with the narcissism, then realized malignant narcisism…..then go to MN along with sociopathy. I too questioned Sociopath in regards to my ex…..but as time evolved and I educated myself more and more, and he exposed more and more behaviors, while I read others stories…….Oh, it became so clear……I think it was my way (and I know others here do the same), of ‘giving him the benefit of the doubt’….maybe my way of remaining in denial that I had married a man of such ‘caliber’.
As sick as the stories are……and they are…..You can only protect you and help your grandkids evolve emotionally with the stepdaddy-grandad situation.
My kids have seen my journey and investigated on their own. They hear the word sociopath and it’s up to them to find out what it means….and make the identification with their father.
Oh, they see it.
Part of the gift is the education and knowing we are away from the monsters. Toxic, sociopathic, abusive, silent but deadly type…..
I don’t think all sociopaths fit into one ‘bag’…..and they certainly do not have to have all the characteristics of one to be one.
I’m sorry it took so long to see your post, I hope this helps a bit….
Take your time, explore, read, post some more and most of all….and as hard as it is, MOVE ON with your life despite HIM and your ex DIL….we gotta lota life to live girl!
XXOO
eb