Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Thanks everybody for your responses, it REALLY means a lot to me. To know that some of your suffered for much longer ( I mean being in the relationship longer) and having even kids with such a person, seems just unbearable to me. So much respect to you all. I think he truly made an art of torturing me emotional and it never ccurred to me while I was in it it….It feels so humiliating. I suppose that is where the anger comes from. I can definitely relate to some of what you say, like SHABBYCHIC; you wanna look at what you have done in this, I have the same, WHY, because it could possibly make us feel less powerless if we had a part in it. But fact is until you KNOW you are powerless. And again that makes me angry that we live in a world where this can just be pulled off unpunished. Or worse: rewarded. My ex goes through life having a wonderful life, just TAKING from people, taking and taking. Abhorrent, if I think of it too much it DOES poison me and I physically get ill. I think MATT has a good point in shifting your life back to your own interests, I would say that is what helps a lot, yet its SUCH a bumpy lonely ride too…SKYLAR what you feel I ca relate to aswell I had some nasty reactions when I came out with the truth too ( also some good ones and people who have rejected him because of what I have shown of his reality), which is really truly almost unbearable. Thats why NC is best I guess too…I struggle with that, wanting to unveil him some more, but knowing it will be hard on myself at the same time. WIll we ever really let go people?! HUmmingbird, you sound so sweet, please take care of you!! All the others: thank you thank you, I relate to you all and your experiences help me!
After reading all of this my question is whetehr all of you/any of you struggle with the idea this world would be such a better place if EVERYONE was educated about that 1-4% of people and what they are all about. Lord knows it would have helped me.
MarieLisa:
“After reading all of this my question is whetehr all of you/any of you struggle with the idea this world would be such a better place if EVERYONE was educated about that 1-4% of people and what they are all about. Lord knows it would have helped me.”
YES>>>>I so belive in education on this subject of Sociopaths…..
I can’t tell you!!!!!!!
Finding this out was my ‘answer’ to all the ‘whys’ that I asked for 28 years.
The minute I was given this information, and researched it myslef….was the minute my life was saved/changed and got better!
This knowledge was my gift….
It’s all about the evolution and I see the more people around ME that ‘get it’ I am so pleased…..teh 1-4% stat means WE ALL HAVE BEEN AFFECTED BY THEM!!!!! AND QWILL CONTINUE to be!
SO we must pay attention and educate others and watch the blossoms grow on our knowledge and education tree!
SHhhhhhh…….pass it along!
Take good care of ML……you deserved the BEST in life!!!!
XXOO
eb
ErinB
Thanks so much!! I wish everybody one here the best cause I know it takes an abundance of conscience to have been in a relationship with a sociopath, how on earth else did we make excuses for their behavior, it was because we empathized WAY too much. I am having a better day today ( I started writing here last night, Im in European time zone), just realizing I dont HAVE to be around people like that anymore. It makes me mega depressed that I will have contact with them again and will suffer, but I can now see patterns which will prevent me ( I PRAY AND HOPE!) from being too personally invested with one again to the point as with my ex, where he brought me to lows I never held possible…and still.
How do we educate people on this though, I notice that most people think the whole ‘ sociopath label’ is way too dramatic they feel ( people are too scared to acknowledge it and just wanna put their head in the sand rather than seeing the reality of that person). I find it hard to explain it to people who havent personally been affected by one in a big way. I mean you have to lay down so much evidence before people get it. If I wouldnt have had this experience I wouldnt have got it. Whats your view on that? Personally I wish research will make it an easy trick to diagnose one through brain scans real easy and cheap so every person in any court or whatever can take one. Cause my ex passed a lie detector!!! Can you believe it? And he felt sooo good about it…
MariaLisa:
I wrote on this topic awhile back. As several people have said, you need to release the anger. There’s a book that may help you called “Facing the Fire.” here’s some info:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/18/releasing-the-pain-inflicted-by-a-sociopath/
MariaLisa
I keep wondering if we will ever recover from the trauma. It has been 7 years now that I had the strength to separate. As a revenge he left to our country of origin leaving our 2 children behing and never contact them, He took all the money that he could and never looked back. A few days ago (after 7 years of NC and not knowing his whereabouts) he sent an email to his son (who is now 24 yrs old and very successful in his career) to ask a favor, nothing else. A favor for my son to buy him a high compression singlet. and he said he can not send the money and hope one day he will see the son to pay him back.. When my son asked for his address to send the singlet the address he gave is from a Real Estae Agent from whom I bough and sold a house before we moved to Australia 27 years ago. He probably went there saying a lot of lies and managed to get a job with him. That enfuriates me because I know what he would be saying to look good. and now will be using a successful son to show off to them just to make him look good….no remorse no “Sorry Son that I have abandoned you but now can you buy me ……..”
How can a father be so calous, cruel and cold….I have no doubt that he is with some other women and who knows if he does not have even more children…
After been with him for 22 years I found out he was a bigamous..how could I have falling for a man like that?..yes..very charming, handsome, charismatic, kind and everything else…until the true colours came to the surface… but by them I had 2 children…..
DONNA
Thank you very much for that suggestion. I will make sure to read it!
BRILHANCY
Bigamous, meaning MARRIED to several women? I already feel like what I have seen and experienced is beyond my comprehension, I have to pinch myself and recap every single day that yes this has happened, but some of your stories even surpass that. Its just beyond words. I hope your son has read up on sociopathy and wont ever waste a breath on his father. Your son was somewhat of a clean slate having (thank god) not his father around ( knowing he’s is so cold I mean) from an early age, I would say make sure to stay strong and not fall for his father, cause that will turn his world upside down…Right?!
It makes me sick how they get to succesful people as their rescources. My ex definitely fed off of my good reputation and educational background, career and what not. It made him look better, and he did so with many other women ( living with several at the same time at one point too). other men looked up to him: ” wow he must be special having all these special women treat him so good:. DRIVES ME MAD. I never ever wanted to be that person. I just gave somebody a chance who had never had love.. is what he said….
But back to your problem, dont debate a single thing with this man. Let your son read about sociopathy and dont drive him mad with it either ( cause I would guess he would then want to experience it in person). Keep on surrounding yourself with realistic, normal people, thats very important. At least thats what I value now more than ever….Its hard, especially in corporate life people seem so cold sometimes when you are not a supply for them and needy when you are. Tough always taking care of yourself and at the same time wanting to be caring for others who deserve it.
Hi marie Lisa:)
You said “Keep on surrounding yourself with realistic, normal people, thats very important. At least thats what I value now more than ever”.”
One of the positives of this horrible experience for me, is that it has been a real reckoner with regards to the people I have in my life, the contrast between the healthy and non healthy relationships has been turned right up, with the good healthy friendships ‘shining’ and the bad ones showing themselves for what they are.
I cant describe how much I value the true friendships I have now.
I have had a real important lesson in how I take care of and nurture those ‘normal realistic people’ …the focus for me in the past has been more on chasing the nutters and trying to get them to ‘see sense’ or ‘care’, the ones that made it difficult, and almost ignoring the ones who were ‘there’ caring for me and not causing trouble or being destructive. Oh I have spent a long time royally screwed up!:)x Now I wake up every day and am so grateful for the few, but amazing people in my life.
Blueskies
Oh yes! Im only just starting, but thanks for sharing that cause its what I hope Im doing. I can trust and care for the healthy people around me now more, since I try to feel the negative relationships and reduce their impact as much as is possible in my life. I had a small breakthrough this week, deciding not to go to a certain gathering with people I am really supposed to be at, but too many people would be there that suck the life out of me and are too cruel ( not sociopathic cruel but as Im trying to heal I figured I should keep vampires away from me a bit more and longer), its a breakthrough cause a lot of people pull on me to come there and dont like me for not coming. Its truly the first time I dare to do this. As you can hear Im not fully comfortable with it yet but my gut said I shouldnt go, and I am trying t listen to it…
Great to read this Blueskies, im so happy to read from realistic down to earth SANE people who do the best they can to live a decent life.
ML I think you did the right thing:) i recently had a wonderful night out with some friends I hadnt seen in ages, and it was great, but I think part of why it was so great (as well as that they are decent kind people)was because I felt ‘in control of myself’. I went on my own, becuase I really wanted to, and stayed because I really wanted to, and when I was tired I left with NO GUILT just a happy feeling. Now, crazy as it sounds, you know I may not have been able to do that before, especially within certain groups (particularly within my family actually), who put pressure on me to go, stay or do what they want at the expense of myself, and I would always find it hard to assert myself or not ‘go with the flow’ for fear of not being liked or letting others down. Its not about controlling the situations I am in, or anyone else, but about making choices for myself, being comfortable with that… a BIG step change for me. a breakthrough as you say, and an indication that we are healing and growing…
in my case ‘growing up’?!! lol!
Blueskies
yep. im only doing it now for the first time. its why i like you giving that example ( still looking for confirmation haha woops), it makes me feel im doing the right thing. i just had all these voices in my head of family members who always told me what they thought of what i was doing ( going on in my head), its SO hard to shut them and still feel worthy. I mean they think im weak and what not when I dont show up. But damn it this relationship with my sociopath ex was just the end of it. I have taken enough. If I dont put a hold on to it, there will soon be NOTHING left of me. If they think Im weak, than I should certainly not hang around them anymore. Im suprised to notice in my healthy relationships, just as you described with your night out, how harmonious some things can go when you pay attention to it. That there are circles of people who dont make life hard on eachother ( sure nothing is heaven, but not desctructive is what I mean). But I still need to work on more of those better relationships and less toxic ones. I have a hard time with it too I think cause I grew up being taught ( and maybe its my personality too) to think and behave very rationally. People therefore dont always notice how senstitive I actually am. My therapist and I are working on letting that out in a safe assertive way, so that people understand me. Cause I really want intimate relationships with people ( male and female) its why my ex got to me so bad. I was yearning for a deep intimate, connection…..Ironic right….thanks blueskies, btw do you think when people make you feel guilty its always a bad sign, or only sometimes?