Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
I am working that out – in so much as, I AM aware of others feelings, and care about my impact on others, and when I am told by someone that something I have done was, for example thoughtless or hurt their feelings, then I own it and talk it through, and there IS ‘guilt’, but in the healthy scenario, it is worked out quickly between parties and is usually about misunderstanding or lack of communication.
I am a good person and do not actively go out of my way to make people uncomfortable or behave in a manner that could hurt anyone, but we are all human and make mistakes that need apologising for (you and I, I think might be an example of that during our first encounters:().
The guilt I feel from TOXIC relationships is usually ladled on THICK and is usually about feeling guilty (for as looooong as possible) for things beyond my control,, or for not putting my needs completely on the back burner, for daring to be upset or ill or for not PLEASING them or being GOOD enough or daring to say I dont like something ect.
Yes, so I think if you are constantly feeling guilty in a relationship, then there IS something that needs to be ‘sorted out’.
an example: If I was in a relationship with someone, and I started to flirt with someone else behind their back, I WOULD FEEL GUILTY, because I KNOW how I would feel if they were doing the same to me. It would stop me (actually I know that it would completely rule it out in the first place because that is how I am wired)in my tracks.
so to sum up and put and end to the waffling (lord am I making ANY sense at all?!) There is good healthy guilt we have as non sociopaths and people with empathy that stops us from behaving like total assholes and crap toxic guilt used by our bad friends/sociopathic partners/narcissitic parents/ crazy churches, to keep us down and in control which we in turn use to beat ourselves up and feel bad and get nowhere.
phew.
x
JAH was talking about her husband on another thread, here, I am going to find it, because I think his attitude and healthy outlook basically says it all…hang on….:)
here it is:)
JAH said:
What is the key to withstanding such tactics? My husband who was raised in a fairly emotionally healthy environment lets such tactics simply bounce off him. They don’t reach him. Guilt trips, blame, projection”.none “work” on him. He doesn’t respond, it takes no energy on his part to ignore such tactics, he simply reacts as he would react if a toddler were screaming, and he puts no thought into it, it is just a natural reaction for him. He just waits for the person to calm down, or he goes away, whatever. It doesn’t stir him up inside, nothing!
[this is the best bit]
He really respects every person’s right to be who they are, I don’t see him trying to ever change anyone. And he is immune to attempts to change him. He HAS made changes in his life, but the motivation came from within him, almost totally.
He is a bit sensitive to what others think of him, BUT only his perception of his behavior. I’m not explaining that too clearly. In other words, he is sensitive about treating people the right way, but his judgement of himself is what matters and guides him, rather than their reaction.
I’ve become very interested in observing mentally healthy people interact with blamers and see when it blaming does NOT work.
Blueskies
“The guilt I feel from TOXIC relationships is usually ladled on THICK and is usually about feeling guilty”
INDEED. if you just keep that in mind its not that difficult right?
I grew up feeling a lot of guilt. So I know I am empathic. I go out of my way to make sure I never offend anyone and if I see someone being hurt ( also not by me) I feel bad for them so much and will try to fix it ( I actually need to stop this and stay close to myself a bit more).
You hit a nerve when you said if I flirt with someone I would feel bad for the other person. EXACTLY. I thought back when I first explained a friend of my ex that you always have to think how would you like it f someone did to you what you do to them ( it was about him being emotionally intimate with someone else) and my sociopathic ex sat right beside me just smirking. YUCK, damn I get anxious just remembering it again. That piece of shit! Can I say that? Cause he was not just flirting damn it, but well..you know. Anywho, that was in the beginning of the relationship, and I explained my feelings about this so well, and loud and clear, and he was sitting right there! MAN. No empathy indeed. No remorse indeed. I already feel guilty if I break off a bigger piece of chocolate for one person than for the other…
Anywho, yes youre making complete sense, I can follow totally. When it feels toxic, it IS. When you feel youre desperately trying to understand eachother, its HEALTHY, even if its intense at times.
MariaLisa and Blueskies, I totally get what the two of you are saying, and I just wanted to add a thought on a similar note. Before my S/P relationship, I was divorced from a 24 yr marriage. My ex- husband wasn’t a sociopath, in fact I wasn’t really familiar with the term back then, but one might say he was a bit narcissistic…quite controlling, male chauvinist etc. I tried for so long to make it work…to have the happy ending…but I KNEW it was over for me when I became a “different” person in his presence. I was becoming defensive, angry, negative, sad…but when it was just me and my family or my sons…I was fun and silly…caring and peaceful. That is when I knew…I was a better person away from him than I was with him.
I think this is so similar to what you’re talking about …being in the presence of others that bring out the worst in us… not the best. That is the time to be strong, say no, and go with our gut feeling of what is best for MOI! Because in the end it will be better for whoever is around us won’t it?
One more thing…a friend of mine once said “it’s better to be alone, than to wish you were”…..hmmmmm
Feeling a bit better today…must be the brownies
Hi Hummingbird06 and everybody,
Sorry Im only reading your response now. I am glad you can see it that way. The first part of my relationship however I was still me and loving to everyone around him and me, I changed profoundly when he switched from masks from one day to the next. I became so confused, people must have thought I was weird. I couldnt put his stories together and he acted completely different from what he would have said to me a week before. Say week one he would be like: I love you, never trusted anyone like you, im so proud of you , taking me to dinner etc and then the next he treated me like I was his pet, it was COMPLETELY confusing me. I had never been so close to someone like him ( a complete sociopath), so I therefore was trying to rhyme everything for him. that is what upsets me so much now. That that craziness could just happen in front of my eyes and no warning signals went off. I was just plain confused. I remember crying and not knowing why. And he would look at me surprised when I cried and not pay any more attention and continue doing his things and then the next moment he would give me a kiss. Like I could be standing there with a gun to my head and he would he like oh she is holding a gun to her head lets continue emailing with my several girlfriends on my smartphone ( I later found out that was how he spends 90% of his time, not busy with business as he claimed and I had so much understanding for). The feeling of being played, being humiliated when still being good to this man and trying to rhyme thinsg for his sake, KILLS ME. I never thought I would be that girl. I used to always stand up for my right with men. Always.
To come back to your response. Yes were are all better off being around loving people. I feel it so much, when Im with dear friends, I feel all warm and emotional and well everything good, hopeful etc. Yet the feeling of: this man just DID this to me. And continues to do so for the rest of his life and I vouched for him, I made him look good and people have done this for this man all of his life, it haunts me and I wonder whether it will ever leave me. It drives me crazy. The knowing that this is possible took away my innocence. I truly truly thought this man ( at teh beginning) was the most backboned, truthful, spiritual creature ever. ..It makes me so sick. And most people dont get it. Why wont this pain subside. It has gotten a tiny bit better but I still have nightmares of him 6 out of 7 nights. I always wake up screaming my lungs out somewhere in the bedroom. And I was a normal functioning loving caring working person. I just feel violated now. And powerless. And Ive read all the books. I have days where I believe the betrayal was a gift and I think Ill take better care of myself now, but my subconscious hasnt yet picked up I guess.
MariaLisa, your words could be mine. you are where I’m at right now. The only thing I can think of is that I need to re-experience/re-live everything again, but this time through the eyes of the SCREAMING subconscious that I had ignored. I’m not even sure why I think this. I just feel that my subconscious isn’t done with me yet. It’s like my subconscious is a little child that I neglected, now I have to go back and help it heal. Because the wierd thing is, each one of us will tell you, that we KNEW what was happening in the beginning, yet we ignored it until we could no longer see straight.
I also think this idea is a microcosm of what’s wrong with our society. We all know that narcissism is a cancer in our midst and we just turn a blind eye. It is the root of ALL evil. I can’t think of one crime that doesn’t begin and end with shame and envy. Read, “the people of the lie” and “the sociopath next door” both books present this argument very well.
So why are we wasting time and money on putting out the fires when we should be preventing them? Why?
Skylar
I agree. Its what I struggle with. I wanna go on but in this world I dont know where to begin. Its like all power is in the hands of ‘those’ people. I mean healthy people dont waste their entire lives for power…You know what I mean? Everybody likes autonomy and respect, but in higher functions in politics and business….Since my S ex I have a completely different outlook on this world. And it keeps me from moving on. I suppose the world is not some exciting thing to explore anymore, but something scary governed by scary people…. trust me I only say this here, nobody wants to hear this…i see good examples of wonderful people and I feel better…Im not always this depressed…
Anyways, how are you letting your screaming subconscious as you say, out now? How are you doing that? I have already ordered face the fire or facing the fire, a book Donna recommended, but it will take some time getting here (not in US). And its not just anger that comes out or should come out, it mostly is well every nasty hurt feeling you can imagine and IM sure you are enduring right now aswell…How many months ago since NC for you? Mine say 2,5 months. But I have been checking things of him through internet…Does that count for NC aswell?
Concluding: yes narcissism and sociopathy is the root of all evil in the world. I truly believe that. The world would come close to looking like heaven without them. Trauma’s would be healed, wars would end, etc etc.
MariaLisa,
I was with him for 25 years – since I was 17. I left him in May but occasionally would get emails and voice messages, a couple of times we talked. Last time he left a message was around mid August?.
I’m not actually letting the screaming subconscious out. It gets out by itself. That’s why I think this is what needs to happen. When I first read about Jaycee, my emotions hi-jacked me. I couldn’t believe it. Frankly, some of the emotions I feel aren’t even mine, I know they are his.
I may be unusual, but jealousy and envy were very foreign, irrational emotions to me for most of my life. I saw that others experienced it but it made no sense to want bad things to happen to others. Why? because when it does, my empathy goes into overdrive and I’m the one that feels bad. So jealousy is irrational for me, I can’t even win a game without feeling bad for the loser. Pathetic huh?
But LATELY, I’ve actually been experiencing that emotion. I’m jealous of all the people who have never experienced the trauma that we have. Anyway, I think that’s what it is about, but I’m not sure. It’s like I’m being taken over by HIM. I also have lots of hatred and other primal emotions that I NEVER FELT BEFORE.
I could always tell he was trying to implant these emotions in me for the last few years. LOL. All he had to do is stand up and say, “BTW, I’m a sociopath and you’ve been living with an evil entity for 25 years.” He could have saved himself all the time and effort of poisoning me, cutting my brake lines, spending my money and destroying my property. Because that realization, has done more to me than 25 years of torture and gaslighting ever did. I was resilient to that. This new found dissolutionment, did the trick.
Skylar
I have those emotions too but purely for him. The weirdes shit ever is that I have moments, just a minute or so, that I would feel a strange kind of pity for him, ut I know its my mind trying to ttrick me into making him human cause it would be more bearable for me. I think back to what he did and I realize how ruthless how absolutely cunningly ruthless he is. And back is the defeat.
I dont understand what its like to be with someone like that for 25 yrs. I mean there were times I got in his face for his inconsistenties and not following trhough on promises and that made him more reckless to me and he got less foud out of me and got other women and so forth, so I dont udnerstand how it works that a S could do the game for 25 yrs…Arent they bored easily? Most cant keep steady relationships? Oh who am I kidding, the high functioning ones can, right…As a cover?
but Skylar I dont understand your last paragraph. What do you mean and what was the trick?