Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Dear 2much,
I am not sure what the legalities of carrying pepper spray are in your state, but you actually might consider carrying it (in your hand) IF IT IS LEGAL. I would not go if I could not be protected. Your sister is an obvious overly dangerous person.
Next time she might actually do you some serious and irreversable injury, like a broken neck or a head injury.
I know that you may feel you need to support your mother, but at the same time, the things I have learned frm my own violent family is that I HAVE TO TAKE CAARE OF MY OWN SAFETY FIRST. If I am not safe, then I cannot help others.
This was a hard thing to do, I left my home and fled, knowing that my own mother was a target for the ps as well as me, however, she was also their DUPE, and still is, refuses to believe the truth, even though it has been well proven and documented that my P son had tried to have me killed (first) and I have no doubt she would have been next for him to inherit our property. She still sends him money. I have gone NO CONTACT with her as long as she insists on disbelieving the evidence and in enabling him.
I feel for you so much empathy, I know it is like being between a “rock and a hard place” or the “devil and the deep blue sea” My only advice is PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST. (((HUGS)))) and my prayers.
Hello All ~ I haven’t written in a while, but I have been keeping up on the articles. Two months after my home had been burglarized by the S, the police decided to get a search warrant…the S had some firearms of mine that he wouldn’t give back, so the police took in the SWAT team, raided his home (he lived with his mommy) and found some of my stuff, the LCD TV that he was using, my laptop he was using, my digital camera he was using, the police didn’t find the firearms. The police arrested him only he got out 2 days later…the DA rejected the case. I was horrified! So, the police put extra patrol around my house…they were always around me…I work for a school, too. In the meantime, I had started dating someone, casually, because I was VERY cautious. He SEEMED nice at first…almost TOO nice…I KNEW something was up, but I just figured maybe I was just paranoid? WRONG! 4 weeks into dating, HE began to display RAGE one day…Boy Howdy, did I run like HELL! Then, he wouldn’t leave me alone, so now I had TWO of them to worry about! I FINALLY shook off the second one and THEN found out later that he’s a REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER – very violent offenses, too!!! Ok, REALLY! Thank GOD I got away! Well, the first S has been arrested AGAIN, you guessed it! Felon with a loaded, stolen firearms…MINE! He’s been in jail for over a month…his sentencing date is Aug. 4th. And, yeah, you guessed correctly again! He’s been calling me from jail, violating the restraining order. I now keep my land line unplugged and tell everyone else to call me on my cell. I don’t want to change my number yet, in case any authorities need to get in touch with me…plus, I’m filing reports every time he violates the restraining order. And, yes, he’s even WRITTEN me a letter from jail! I don’t respond…I’ve learned from all of you NO CONTACT!
I think the reason we feel this pain so deeply is because we also feel THEIR pain as well or the pain they SHOULD be feeling, like normal people, since they can’t feel it themselves, so our pain is doubled…we’re in pain over what they did to us, and in pain because THEY aren’t feeling it, too! Does that make sense? The only resolution I have is how very sad for them to not feel ANYTHING…not even happiness…to just be cold and empty for the rest of their lives. Imagine going through life like that!
Lessons learned…background checks a MUST, but for now, I’m just being by myself, thank you very much!
Dear2much,
I hope you read this in time.
Definitely DON”T go to the memorial for your Aunt, to support your mother. You will be attacked again for sure. Tell your mother you are too sick to go…which is the truth, because she is enough to make anyone sick. If your mother has been with ps all her life. She will accept it. Everything you say to your sisters “friend” will get back to her. You can count on it. Say nothing about her your sister to her. Ever.
Start NC with this dangerous psychopath who has it in for you. She was probably jealous of the 2 poems, or that you stole her thunder somehow, whatever it was, all you need to know is that she has it in for you and to stay alive you must stay away…no matter what.
Found this quote…..
wanted to share it…..
Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.
How did I make the same mistake twice? How did I marry another one when no one would want to endure the pain of a S/N/P again? I thought the pain was over. I thought I had the family and father for my kids that I always wanted. He was the love of my life. He as my soulmate. I was a fool and I have been TWICE BAKED. That’s right. Twice. And you know what goes into twice baked potatoes? Potatoes that are….mashed up, stirred up….heavy…altered from their original state. They’ve been cooked, chopped up, mashed, drowned, stirred, prodded, and eventually….they are eaten. I have been eaten alive, really.
I feel so stupid. I am hurt. I am grieving. I am 51 yrs old. I still have an elementary aged kid. I wanted this man’s baby so badly…I loved him so much and thought God and my dead father had dropped him from the clouds. Then the lies started….lie upon lie upon lie. First about bills. Then about other things. The man could not tell the truth. I kept saying, “What’s the point in lying? I’m not your mother. I’m not going to send you to your room. Just tell the truth so we can be on the same page and deal with this.” Yeah, right.
I feel guilty about the harm I have caused my amazing family…my loved ones that have been there for me not once…but twice….remember, I was twice baked…and so was my elderly mother, my sister and brother and their families. It’s like I went out and bought a blow torch and ignited everything all of us had worked so hard for, and the pain and anguish that I feel are enormous. Sometimes I just want to give up. I wish I could time travel and undo all the harm that has been done. Wishing does not make it so.
To make matters worse, the pain doesn’t stop b/c he tells me that he will make things right…that taking care of me and our son is his only goal in life….he has NOT worked in almost 2 yrs now….that he will repay everyone….that all the rumors that he had drug problems, embezzled money from his last employer…that he had an affair with a girl in his office…that he loved me and meant no harm…..they were all lies. Listen to me, girls….guys…whoever is reading this….whoever is reading this and your head is swimming with confusion, dispair, disappointment…if it looks like a duck…acts like a duck…quacks like a duck….you know the rest of the story. Do yourself a favor and run away NOW. If it is someone you were madly in love with, and you have been devastated (it’s been over two years for me and I am still reeling) and shocked by the lie that they are….seem to be….are…..seem to be….are seem to be…..(do you get my drift)…..this broken record will not change. It will continue to play the same thing over and over and over again. Get away now. I hardly have the strength to put one leg in front of the other…and I was a very, very, very strong woman before reality set in….and I have lost everything except my kids….and I just want to live a long life and have some good years with them and their kids…and be a grandmother….and be me again…and well….it’s almost two am…and I made it through another day….so I may make it afterall.
I’m tired. I’m going to bed….and I hope BOTH of my S go to @.......##$% and are triple baked. Good night. Know you are loved…forgiven…and it is imperative to keep moving forward…even if you are only taking baby steps. I love you all.
I recently had a wonderful friend come into life. She is a writer, like myself. She has had the same sick relationships that I have had. She has done many things that have healed the healing process. I still grieve. She reminds me that grieving is vital. Say goodbye to all that junk…because you are about to give birth to a new you. It’s true. If I set boundaries, I will not have to listen to his fairytales…and I will stay on this road to recovery…and through this pain, I will eventually give birth to a new me. This is a great site. Thank you for helpiing us.
Twicebaked
So sorry to hear your regrets and the trail of misery these relationships have left in their wake. As you know, you are not alone – many of us (myself included) are trying to put ourselves back together again in the aftermath of these toxic sub-humans.
I am trying to move on from my horrible experience of one of these ‘aliens’ that blight our world. The damage has been horrendous – I too look back and see a strong lady who was in control of her life and now wonder where she went.
You didn’t buy the ‘blow-torch’ – you trusted and loved and it was YOU and your family that got ‘torched’ by this evil man. I am sick to death of beating myself up about being ‘naive’ and loyal to the point of stupidity. I gave over everything to the toxic S that I was involved with – he DEMANDED it – and made sure he bled me dry of everything – everyone around me was affected. But, over time, (and it has taken TIME), I am coming to realise he couldn’t take away the ‘essence’ of me – despite his best efforts. He wanted to destroy everything good and loving in my life – not enhance and share in it. Well he hasn’t. They love winning and I won’t let him win this one – he doesn’t have the ‘tools’ to win this one because I am coming from a place of love in kindness in the way I relate to those around me – the people who make up my life – my two wonderful children, good family and friends – he wouldn’t know where to begin. I hold on to this thought to keep me strong – his way of living is all about greed, gain, self-gratification, putting himself first – even or especially when it means belittling and conning others – this is what makes him feel empowered – what a very sad and toxic way to live.
We’re better than that. We have a knowledge that they will never have – they will live with the consequences of their behaviour – I have to believe in ‘what goes around comes around’ – that keeps me strong too. The only thing I pray for is INDIFFERENCE – that’s when I’ll know I’m healed.
All love to you and keep posting for strength.
Blueskies
Have just been catching up with LF this morning (I’m on UK time). Each of your posts sounds stronger. The first post I ever read of yours sounded so pained and desparate (if you don’t mind my saying – we’ve all been there, so I know you won’t). I am so pleased to hear the hope that is conveyed in your writing and messages of support to others. You also sound as if you are ‘supporting’ yourself now – the most important part on the road to ‘healing’ and the cessation of the pain suffered in the aftermath of any realtionship with an S/P/N (I love the ‘Narciopath’ tag that I think Steve coined in one of his threads – it definitely works for me!).
Keep going girl – you give me hope and strength – thanks.
Awww Thanks luv:)x I do feel stronger every day and calmer and more accepting of myself:) I feel like every day I am making (painful) positive adjustments in my thinking.
I think I said before – when I first came here, I had been completely dismantled (I was a pile of mess on the floor) but I dont think I was put together right in the first place! (imagine a beautiful shiny car that is completely held together on the inside with bubble gum and sticky tape that has by some miracle managed to keep running for all these years!) so its gonna be a good thing in the end. I really believe that.
THANKS:)X what a lovely boost:)x
It sounds to me like the ‘refurb’ of you is going well and I am very heartened.
You use the word ‘dismantled’ – well, they kind of describes how I have felt – also ‘crucified’ – by the ‘crucifying’ criticism that erodes your sense of self-worth and ability to have integrity in your own judgement.
Well, no more bubblegum and sticky tape for us! I am putting together a ‘toolkit’ – a bag of proper equipment to make the structure sound and solid. I think that that’s what we’re doing here – borrowing tools from each other to finally be able to do the job properly. Once completely, I intend to put a nice big solid suit of armour around my completed structure that only lets in light, pure oxygen and good people!
Maybe you can remind me of this when I have a ‘step backwards’ day.
All love.
sorry – typo – ‘THAT kind of describes….’
‘once complete’