Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Hey ’22’!! I like it , short and catchy!xxx
I am so glad that you had a float down the river with your friend! Its sounds glorious!! The perfect thing to do! x and now you are resting and getting your house in order – this is all GOOD stuff. BIG BIG Hugs!
I love the water, my favorite place in the whole world is a little place of no significance on the south coast of england where the river runs into the sea. Just being there puts me at peace.:)
I am also glad that the memorial went well and you got some validation from your mother.x
LOL! Yes I have been my own putty buddy for too long!!
Tilly:)
thanks.I have had TRUCK loads of strength from you ever since I first came here! I think you are an amazingly strong person, an amazon warrior! And I am definately going to borrow some of YOUR tools, to tweak my tendancy towards wishy-washyness;)x
I am sorry to hear about your nightmares:( I know how awful that can be, I grew up not dreaming unless it was a nightmare (funny that), and while in the relationship with the S/P I used to have terrible anxiety dreams that would have me waking up crying out (funny that!) but they seem to have subsided now (funny that!) I still dont sleep well or for long but its getting pretty peaceful when I do. Have you sought any help to sleep? I know it wont help with the underlying issues, but I wonder if you can get some help in getting a decent rest. You NEED it to carry on being super Tilly!
End the pain.
I loved that quote! Thank you for sharing that with us all.x
Oxy,
‘I just call them the day before or day after and say how much I would have liked to have been there, but”.”just couldn’t make it” and it is better for me.’
‘there is no one in my life to tell me how horrible I am. Being around people who love me rather than people who don’t is an amazing “upper.”’
I love this.x if people on here have noticed I seem a little ‘stronger’ lately, I think I can trace it back to going NC with mother and sister.(funny that!)x
I feel like giving everyone a big TOWANDA!!!! xxxxx
Dear Blueskies,
Yep, NC is the KEY, the first key to open the doors out of the abyss that we find ourselves in. It gets you away from the monster, and is a barrier between you and them so that you can stand still and catch your breath.
If you were running away from a bear that was chasing you, there’s not much way you could get your head together to figure out a PLAN WHILE YOU ARE STILL RUNNING for all your life. You have to find SOME place to catch your breath and think for at least a minute. That’s what the first part of NC does for us. Gets us away from the freaking “bear” so we can calm down, catch our breath and THINK straighter.
Having communication with them which of course is a dead end street only keeps us so wound up, out of breath and confused that we aren’t able to make realistic and logical plans to extracate outselves from the whole deal.
It wasn’t until I went NC finally with my egg donor that I started to get enough clarity to see that there were OTHERS in my circle that were also toxic ON A SMALLER LEVEL but still keeping me unbalanced on my emotional feet.
About a year and a half ago I started to set some boundaries, and by this time last year, I had enforced those boundaries. These people in my life were not in a position to hurt me a great deal, but at one time4 I had cared for them a great deal and they were using me, guilting me, stepping on me, in just little ways but CONTINUALLY devaluing me….getting them out of my life when they refused to acknowledge or respect my boundaries helped another measure. And so on.
Each step, small or large, in getting myself physically AWAY from the dysfunctional or disordered people gave me another minute or day of “calm” and time to “catch my breath” and to start to sort through my thinking and my feelings.
By the time we are in desperate NEED of NC with people, most of the time I think we are pretty “scattered’ both emotionally and logically and filled with stress hormones, so it is difficult for us to make good decisions. Kind of like the old “it’s hard to drain the swamp when you are up to your arse in alligators”—but I will add one more thhing to that analogy, “Someone comes along and SETS your PANTS ON FIRE! AS WELL!”
Some people here are like I am, retired, or kids out of the house, kids grown, but others have young children, severe financial problems and/or have to work, go to school, and/or look for work as well as try to heal lin the meantime AND nurture your children who are also hurting cause daddy is feeding them poison. By going NC, crawling back into my “cave” and licking my wounds (here on LF) I was able to provide myself with PEACE, CALM AND QUIET at least externally, in which to heal.
Those of you with young children and other problems weighing down on your back, having to do a job, and “keep up a front” to appear like you are normal when your whole life is falling apart takes a LOT OF ENERGY AND STRENGTH. Even with the FEW responsibilities I had and also the support of my son D (so I wasn’t alone, I had someone to talk about this with and validate me) it was still more than I could do at times to sweep the floor, or feed the dog.
Though I have always kept house pretty well, I got to the point that it was NOT important to me any more if my floor was swept or the windows clean, or even sometimes the dishes done. I put ALL my energy that didn’t require me to take care of it (like feeding the dogs) in to ME, MYSELF. I cut drastically down on the things I did just to use that energy for myself. I got a new idea of what was REALLY important and what wasn’t! I realized I DESERVED to be FIRST on my list of important things!
Put yourself first, your kids next, and everything else on “have to” status…you may find that yhou are expending energy on things that you could better spend on yourself and your healing!!! TOWANDA!!! (((hugs)))) and always my prayers.
That made me cry oxy:) I think i needed it though:STa me darlin’.
Here is an example of how my P works. We have been to court and i have temporary orders for custody and here is why I wanted an order of protection.
Today I received several text messages from STBXP. I am not sure what he is trying to say.
I am guessing he just wants to get his way and not have to pay so much CS.
I had decided, after being able to pick DS up from STBXP every am. for the last few weeks and being able to drop STBXP off even in the presence of STBXP’s girlfriend last weekend, that I would hand DS off to STBXP myself today, instead of having my girlfriend do it.
However, after receiving the following text messages I asked my girlfriend to take DS out for me.
10:04 am “Sofresh, I can’t tell you how sorry i am for what i have done to u, but please understand i do love you and care for you. Even though you have hurt me threw our son. You have accused me of abusing DS and i still care for you. i love DS with every beat of my heart just as you do. Why cant we work something out instead of being nasty like this. Is this gonna be good for DS when he gets older. I know your mad at me but please dont take my son from me. I only see him 2 and a half days a week. What do i need to do Sofresh for this to stop. Please take some time to think about this without your anger being in the way. If i could start over i would change what i did i would. But whats done is done. Im hurting too. I just hope you can open up your heart forgive me for what i have done. Im not a bad person i just made a wrong decision or decisions that now i am paying dearly for. What do u want me to do. How can i make your pain stop.”
10:06 am “You know im not a bad person..”
10:30 am “I would like to just talk with you without fighting. Without judging one another. Without all these walls that have been put up. it kills me to see what we have both done to one another. I take my blame in full. Please dont laugh and think here we go again. Time is a nasty thing. It has worked against me in every way. Just please talk to me. Please allow yourself to just listen and not act. Please just think what jobe went through. that makes me think if he can go threw that and still come out with his head held high than this is a walk in the park. I was told by a good friend to never say never until your dead because than unfotunatly you have no choice. But we both have the opportunity now to make some good choices to make a better life or ourselves. There is a lot i want to say to you so please let me talk to you and you take it as you please. Well hope you have a great day.”
12:03 pm “Sofresh did you know about ___… Omg what is going on. I have been trying to get ahold of him and now i just found out he tried to kill himself. Im so blown away…Please talk to me.”
When she did this my girlfriend informed him that I had filled out the journal for this week.
As she walked away, she stated that she was looking for a new car (which she is) and that she liked his girlfriend’s car.
This was not encouraged by me, she told me afterward. However, I do not see the harm in what she said.
3:25 pm His response was, “I will not go there again u will have to pick him up half way or at my parents house. I do not enjoy being bashed by your friends. I will contact my attorney and advise him of this. I don’t instagate anything with your friends i don’t believe i need to hear things like that.”
My girlfriend did not mean any harm, I think she was just upset that STBXP was trying to get to me.
It is my understanding that the temporary order states that he must pick up and drop off at my residence. I will meet him out front if this is an issue, but I reiterate that the text messages gave me reason not to be alone in his presence for fear of manipulation as it is much harder to detect and ignore when it is done in person.
Go to the police immediately. Do not have any communication with your x psychopath unless it is by a legal court order. This has gone way beyond allowing “text messages” etc. You are a sitting duck, do it for your child if not for yourself. It took me seven years, (12 years if you count the overall experience)to get the ex psychopath father out of my sons life. It was the best thing i ever did for him and myself, in my entire life. It saved him and me, literally.
I send the information to my attorney.
It’s sunday of course. But I think she just doesn’t get it.
That is so frustrating. I think all attorneys and judges should have psychopath training.
Banana,
BE CAREFUL, do not be ALONE with him. go to that link on classical sociopath manipulation—look at all the women and men who have been killed by their domestic partners. BE CAREFUL. (((Hugs))) and my prayers!
okay,
it is NOT a good idea to listen to an old love song that you thought was just for the two of you, even if you think you can listen to it without any emotion.
not yet. not even after a year.
i’m a mess. tears, heartbreak.
god, forgive me, but i HATE him!!!
Lost Was thinking today about my ole X pain in the neck. About all the heartache, chaos, confusion, sleepless nites, lies, deciet, all the crazy ass stuff he did to control me. I remember all that bad chit, so was wondering why I still seem to miss the MF….I am really so relieved he is gone, yet still dissapointed in him and me.. Find myself wonderin if he ever really cared a teeny tiny bit, if maybe he ever has a moment when he misses me? I played a song to him one nite (I am that Man) by brookes and dunn and said “listen to this song it is how I feel about you. he listened maybe ten seconds went out side and made a call on his cell phone – there I was listening to this song and feeling like a butt….Lost – I dont know for sure why you and I are still fighting the same feelings, I really think it has do with me.. I had been single 20 + years before he came along. Even tho there were red flags sticking out of him like a porcipine, I kept sinking further and further into my illusion of love. In so many ways things were good, I had a companion that wanted what I wanted. He loved my dog’s. We slept so well together (unusual for me) I had someone to cook for, clean up after, take care of, rescue, fix, and when he got bored with it all, poof he was gone, I remember the pain of that, and I remember the pain of living with him, missing him hurts, but nothing compared to living in hell …so I have my moments and carry on…sorry you are crying tonite, I have not done that in well over a year.
I went to a very good physciatrist back when I was newly discarded, year and a half ago. I really liked this man but he left, nobody would tell me where or why. He listened to my life story and said ” You have two son’s that you raised and have a very good relationship with’ you miss them, and 20 years later here comes EX, and he tapped into that need I have, that feeling of being a Dad that I miss and EX was like a drop of water in a dry desert to me..then he said your X is a cluster B sociopath and will prolly get killed or die in the streets…I asked “can he be helped? the doc says yes but he doesnt want help and it would be like pissin on a forest fire, he also said I need to not want to live like this, dang I miss that shrink…..