Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns.
He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened, perhaps even listened at a length he may complain about.
In any case his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he’ll take no responsibility.
Rather, he may depict you as a boring windbag who doesn’t know when to “stop talking,” or who’s always making or looking for “trouble,” without recognizing or owning how his insistent refusal to listen, his determination NOT to listen, actually provokes, passive-aggressively, your very instinct to “talk” and “pursue him” until he gives a meaningful response.
He may flat-out tell you he’s bored by, and uninterested in, the concerns you raise, regardless of how strongly you feel about them, and regardless of how strong your need to discuss them is. It may be that the more urgency you feel to broach your concerns, the more he’ll contemptuously stonewall you.
When your concerns pertain to the relationship itself, his rebuff will feel especially cruel and leave you feeling especially helpless. It will also very likely be dripping with some form of passive-aggressive, if not aggressive, contempt.
Now this is stonewalling, and stonewalling is a nasty, hurtful thing to do to someone; it leaves the stonewalled party feeling as negated as a person can feel.
You don’t have to be a sociopath to stonewall. Plenty of non-sociopaths stonewall. But many sociopaths are stonewallers, and the act of stonewalling itself, especially when it’s intentional, often contains the cold, callous attitude of the sociopath.
The stonewaller’s absence of empathy for the stonewalled party, perhaps even the relish the stonewaller takes in messing with the stonewalled party’s head, in watching her twist and squirm and perhaps make humiliating efforts and bids to be heard—there can be something actually sadistic about this.
Stonewalling will tend to elicit some common feelings in the stonewalled party—among them shame, anger, rage, infuriation, humiliation, desperation (to be heard), helplessness, and a sense of being driven crazy.
Stonewalling, then, is a form of “gaslighting” insofar as it can leave the stonewalled party feeling as if she’s speaking a foreign language inaccessible to the stonewaller even though she knows perfectly well the stonewaller speaks the language, literally, but either refuses to speak it or “acts” like he doesn’t.
This can have a “crazy-making” effect, as if he’s accusing her (as he may very well do) of speaking incomprehensibly.
Stonewallers, whether sociopaths or not, are seriously disturbed communicators. Their indifference to the stonewalled party’s experience, as noted, can be chilling. Their stonewalling often reflects character pathology, in which case they won’t change—they will always be stonewallers.
Stonewallers are destructive partners whom it’s best to avoid, and even leave, for your sanity’s and dignity’s sake. I make this strong suggestion in cases where the stonewaller refuses to assume total and genuine responsibility for his stonewalling, which is not always, but too often is, the case.
You need to stop banging your head against the “wall” (the pun is apt) trying to reach the stonewaller, because he is not reachable. Futility is what you are left feeling again and again, until you feel depressed and hopeless. The futility is not in your head. It is real, and will always be the experience with the stonewaller, who disowns responsibility for the suffering his stonewalling causes you.
Identify the stonewalling partners in your life; if they can’t, or won’t, take charge of their stonewalling, get them out of your life as best, completely and fast as you can.
(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronoun was strictly for convenience’s sake and not to imply that females aren’t equally capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Bless you, Steve, for devoting an article to this! This is exactly what my marriage to my spath ex-husband was like. But I never had a name for it, and never knew how to describe it to anyone. You nailed it.
I can still see him standing there as I was attempting to connect with him or speak about something important to me, making the “quacking duck” motions with his hand indicating that I was not worth listening to, just flapping my gums, he wasn’t going to listen, he would roll his eyes and curl his lip in derision at my attempts to communicate. My HUSBAND. Yes.
You are right, this is one of the worst things a person (especially an intimate partner) can do to someone. The worst sort of abuse, and doesn’t leave any physical marks.
I know stonewalling well…sigh.
Steve, what a great article! You know, I always thought that it WAS me being a windbag or a “nag,” as he always called me when I would suggest that he apply sunscreen to his very light skin. YES….”stonewalling” is ugly, deliberate, and causes extreme damage.
The more that I read and learn, the more vile spaths are to me. Vile in the sense that even a venomous snake has a purpose in Nature. What is the purpose of spaths? Ruination, bottom line.
Well, I’m going to win this fight, even if I end up living under an overpass, I will NEVER be victimized by that rat-bastard, AGAIN! 😀
Yep, just another way they try to make us feel ashamed, like we aren’t important enough to listen to.
Ironically, all it shows is that they are seriously damaged deep inside. Only a very damaged person needs to project so much vileness. They think they are placing themselves above us when in fact, they are showing themselves to be soooo far, far below.
Steve, “stonewalling is painful” to the person being stonewalled….and you know when we go NO CONTACT with them we are actually “stonewalling” them…..and they hate it. Absolutely drives them crazy.
Call it what you will, “stonewalling” maybe when you are still in a relationship with someone who is dismissive of you, devaluing you, “stonewalling” may be the correct term, but when you get out of the relationship NO CONTACT is the ultimate INSULT TO THEM, just as “stonewalling” in a relationship is the ultimate insult to the person in the relationship.
Great article! Glad to see you posting again, have missed your articles.
So that’s what they call it. Am I understanding this correctly….when I brought up an important issue and he made didn’t want to talk about it, made an excuse that he couln’t talk, or didn’t contact me for days after addressing it……these are examples of stonewalling?
So immature and frustrating.
It made me nutso.
The effect was overwhelming after 15 years.
Compared to the Stonewalling I went through with the N, dating the P was a manic delight!
So charming, willing to talk about everything. So kind. Well, it looked so much that way it took a ling time to understand the REST of the story. I got lucky. And luckier still to have the support here and from dear friends and family. Damned lucky.
Even if I didn’t like hearing and facing the truth from them. Even if a lot of old wounds resurfaced and needed time to heal. Even if at times I was so very alone and bouncing off the walls in my own head. Even if sometimes I still have to MAKE myself function in the real world instead of withdrawing into my house or my garden.
Sometimes it is still hard to go out in the world and be with people. Often, its hard work.
We’re most vulnerable coming out of one of these things. So much emotion is released. And the releases sometimes feel so good, how could we have any judgement?
Well, common sense is common sense.
Don’t leave home without it………………
Yeah -Yahoo – Welcome Back, Steve !
Stonewalling – I used to think he was avoidant – just didn’t like to deal with difficult situations. Heck, he NEVER found it difficult to talk – but he never learned to listen.
Now, after reading this article – it is much deeper than just avoiding issues. There was contempt, disregard, yes even seemingly sadistic enjoyment when dismissing me.
NC is difficult with 2 kids – but I do keep it to a minimum because the STONEWALLING is worse than ever.
There is no discussing lack of child support, financial contribution to medical,dental, activities, college , etc.
He even laughs while hanging up the phone now.
You are so right , Steve – we are left feeling powerless, dismissed and not worthy of an exchange.
So glad you are back, Steve.
I’m so glad you’ve written this article, Steve – I’ve always especially enjoyed your views and had even looked up some of your older ones lately to read.
This topic is so timely for me – I admit I have not been successful in getting away permanently from the toxic man in my life, the reason I have stayed with reading here for years now. I recently mailed all of his things to him after another go-round of his saying he was going to send me some money from his IRS check, repeatedly calling me day to day to say he’d have the tracking number for me soon and then nothing.
I know the deal now better than I should so I gave myself a deadline for listening (and I have needed the money, even the payback of a loan of $25 to him that I could not afford – him also saying then that he could pay it back within the week (now about a month ago). So the day came and I packed all his things into a box and mailed it to the only address I’ve ever had for him in another city. He did not call for several days after I got very angry on phone one day after being ‘stonewalled’ for last time about the money – I have told him repeatedly it’s not even about the money, it’s about TRUST and being able to count on his word to me, especially when he knows he did offer and did say those things. But the stonewalling follows each time – he has some excuse about not being able to get to bank (has had no car, depends on others to get him around but manages to get to other places for job interviews, etc. or even to do taxes!) I am repeatedly listened to or diverted to some other reasoning or put down for always ‘bringing up the past’ though it may only be yesterday – and a yesterday that impacted me.
So he called last night at midnight, I had been putting in late nights with a project and had wanted to go to bed early so by 11:30 I cut my phone off and he left me message ‘so now I see you’ve cut your phone off…”
I’m no longer so much angry as no longer in denial about his not dealing with me in ways that I can tolerate anymore. Even my body has rebelled – the last time he was up to see me I broke out at the side of my mouth with a kind of sore that I still can’t explain, usually my daughter and I both get fever blisters on our lips when we’ve gone through some stress. Posters like Oxy and Erin and others may remember me and I feel some shame at still being at this stage but I know what I have lived and the challenges I have had as have so many others here – sometimes we all need to pace ourselves and get through other issues in our daily emotional lives before we can summon the strength to make a change and to believe we deserve it and that we can let go of this toxic crutch that is actually beating us over the head!
I also finally got a well-woman health checkup…my female doctor had died this past year and I never felt solvent enough to start again with someone new or investigate my options. I’m glad I did and the doctor turns out to be the same woman who saved my life with an emergency hysterectomy 10 years ago – right after I had met this man and had gone through a difficult divorce 3 years before.
So thank you Steve, Donna, Oxy, Erin and everyone here, you don’t know how much you have helped those of us who just read and stay silent but internalize all the wisdom and sharing here. Sometimes I still question if I’ve judged him unfairly and have just decided he’s a ‘bad man’ and then have made that play out…but I can’t deny that the things he does all fit the category of ‘crazy-making’ and I am so done with that or allowing myself to be that person anymore.
newlife08, absolutely correct.
I go through this with my spath ex-husband, father of our kids now, too.
No discussing financial split of the “non-necessities” but very nice to have: driver’s ed, college, summer workshops, eyeglasses, dental fillings, school lab fees, sports equipment for their team sports, fees for AP exams, etc.
I mean, *I* am not allowed to raise these topics with him. Only the children may. But they won’t, because they are so sick of dealing with him.
So… I know my kids deserve better, but I don’t have the money to pay for the whole thing myself. (he does) it really sucks.
It is very (ugh) to have to say to the kids, “if you want this thing, you will have to go to your dad, because he will not discuss it with me — only with you.”
It’s not all about money. There are other things, too. but the main thing is, I am a NON-EXISTING PERSON to him when it comes to parenting the children, the children know this and are offended and uncomprehending about it. The thing is, they don’t exist to him, either, except as extensions of himself or objects to control or to bring him glory through their personal achievements.
This is the other side of “no contact.” It is impossible to be no contact with someone the courts expect you to “co-parent” with. Cause of course I would, otherwise. So I’m blamed for not being an effective co-parent. It’s an IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATION.