Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns.
He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened, perhaps even listened at a length he may complain about.
In any case his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he’ll take no responsibility.
Rather, he may depict you as a boring windbag who doesn’t know when to “stop talking,” or who’s always making or looking for “trouble,” without recognizing or owning how his insistent refusal to listen, his determination NOT to listen, actually provokes, passive-aggressively, your very instinct to “talk” and “pursue him” until he gives a meaningful response.
He may flat-out tell you he’s bored by, and uninterested in, the concerns you raise, regardless of how strongly you feel about them, and regardless of how strong your need to discuss them is. It may be that the more urgency you feel to broach your concerns, the more he’ll contemptuously stonewall you.
When your concerns pertain to the relationship itself, his rebuff will feel especially cruel and leave you feeling especially helpless. It will also very likely be dripping with some form of passive-aggressive, if not aggressive, contempt.
Now this is stonewalling, and stonewalling is a nasty, hurtful thing to do to someone; it leaves the stonewalled party feeling as negated as a person can feel.
You don’t have to be a sociopath to stonewall. Plenty of non-sociopaths stonewall. But many sociopaths are stonewallers, and the act of stonewalling itself, especially when it’s intentional, often contains the cold, callous attitude of the sociopath.
The stonewaller’s absence of empathy for the stonewalled party, perhaps even the relish the stonewaller takes in messing with the stonewalled party’s head, in watching her twist and squirm and perhaps make humiliating efforts and bids to be heard—there can be something actually sadistic about this.
Stonewalling will tend to elicit some common feelings in the stonewalled party—among them shame, anger, rage, infuriation, humiliation, desperation (to be heard), helplessness, and a sense of being driven crazy.
Stonewalling, then, is a form of “gaslighting” insofar as it can leave the stonewalled party feeling as if she’s speaking a foreign language inaccessible to the stonewaller even though she knows perfectly well the stonewaller speaks the language, literally, but either refuses to speak it or “acts” like he doesn’t.
This can have a “crazy-making” effect, as if he’s accusing her (as he may very well do) of speaking incomprehensibly.
Stonewallers, whether sociopaths or not, are seriously disturbed communicators. Their indifference to the stonewalled party’s experience, as noted, can be chilling. Their stonewalling often reflects character pathology, in which case they won’t change—they will always be stonewallers.
Stonewallers are destructive partners whom it’s best to avoid, and even leave, for your sanity’s and dignity’s sake. I make this strong suggestion in cases where the stonewaller refuses to assume total and genuine responsibility for his stonewalling, which is not always, but too often is, the case.
You need to stop banging your head against the “wall” (the pun is apt) trying to reach the stonewaller, because he is not reachable. Futility is what you are left feeling again and again, until you feel depressed and hopeless. The futility is not in your head. It is real, and will always be the experience with the stonewaller, who disowns responsibility for the suffering his stonewalling causes you.
Identify the stonewalling partners in your life; if they can’t, or won’t, take charge of their stonewalling, get them out of your life as best, completely and fast as you can.
(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronoun was strictly for convenience’s sake and not to imply that females aren’t equally capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Oxy,
thanks for those definitions. It makes a lot of sense and it opened my eyes.
Oxy, when I read the seven examples of stonewalling, I identified with them!!! I am a stonewaller and proud of it!!! When I have finally had enough of the game with a spath or a narc and I choose NC I stonewall. And while I was reading them, it occured to me that everyone has the absolute right to stonewall. I don’t have to listen to anybody! I don’t have to support anybodys plans, and I don’t have to divulge my motives. The thing is, that stonewalling is frustrating to the stonewallee, but is empowering to the stonewaller. Spaths use it to hold on to the power imbalance in relationships with them always on top. We keep trying to communicate so we can resolve the issue. Ah no. We have a right to stonewall…in fact, knowing we have the right is the first hurdle.
A great big stone wall is an excellent defence. I picture it like this: Agreat big barricade made up of a whole bunch of gray rocks. 🙂
I’m off to work.
Dear Dr. Steve,
Love your article and this topic. IMO, Stonewalling is the #1 tactic used by SPs and toxic people. We speak, but the SPs are deaf to our words and in response, they give us crazy-making word salads. It’s no wonder we feel confused and crazy.
Hi persephone7,
I know what you mean about feeling shame for being at a certain stage and not being as far progressed as we had hoped. But, persephone, we do what we can do with what we have at the time. Please celebrate whatever progress you have made and continue to make. Sounds like you are taking better care of yourself and children, so good for you! Thing is that (imo) we got to learn NOT to dump on ourselves: the SPs do that for us & to us. imo, what we got to learn is to love ourselves and celebrate whatever progress we make, even if it feels like snails pace, one step forward and 5 steps back.
20yrs:
OMG! This is a Classic case of Stonewalling: The SP shuts everyone up via deafness & inaction and has silenced EVERYONE on a topic he dislikes. Everyone dances, like marionettes, to the SP’s tune:
“I mean, *I* am not allowed to raise these topics with him. Only the children may. But they won’t, because they are so sick of dealing with him.”
Oxy,
Great list and good point about the Stonewaller must be a position of power. The SP keeps us “on the hook” because he thinks we are a schnook. But, eventually, we see the light and de-hook, de-schnook ourselves and we won’t allow ourselves to be ‘conned’ anymore.
silvermoon,
love this, you really sum up how to get free and move on:
“Healing and getting free takes a lot of energy, courage, counsel, time, money, information and will…..It isn’t easy….But its always worth it….Keep your expectations low for others and reasonable for yourself and keep your focus on the goal…..Its the only way…..There is no easy solution….Keep going. It will get better.” Amen.
Kim said:
“I don’t have to listen to anybody! I don’t have to support anybodys plans, and I don’t have to divulge my motives…A great big stone wall is an excellent defence. I picture it like this: A great big barricade made up of a whole bunch of gray rocks.”
Amen, Kim. Your description makes me think of Boundaries. Sometimes, we need an impenetrable barricade of gray boulders to keep us safe from SPs.
Thank you Steve…….I cant find the right words to write now, but memories again are storming in along with remembering the pain I felt from the stonewalling…It makes me so sad…
I guess their are people who have a core of love and people who have a core of evil…Even if we dont want them to have it or try to believe that they dont have it, second guessing what is obvious and in front of our faces.
Understanding the P and the validation we receive from LF helps to bring back sanity.
I used to carry my phone around the house with me to make sure I didn’t miss his calls. Then more and more I’d come to dread them and knew we’d never have a real conversation – our real conversations (at least to me) always seemed to ultimately bring us to some kind of conflict if I expressed an opinion, usually the opposite of his – for which I was classified as ‘always standing up for women’ or something similar. Or his favorite, well, that’s f**ked up, but that’s you!’
I am going to miss him when he could be nice, cook for us and when I thought the sex was wonderful. But now even the thought of that doesn’t appeal to me as I can’t believe anything he says and I don’t think I can ever figure out why he stonewalls, but he DOES, and he does because up till now it’s worked.
Thanks from me, too Oxy for researching and posting that list, it definitely fit and let me know there’s been a reason to feel crazy.
And Hi Clair…I’ll be doing my best to be hard on myself only where needed – I’m spending day with family today and feels so nice to be with my kids – they don’t know about any of this and I want to keep it that way, time will heal all. I’ve started to read some more of Kathleen Hawk’s articles about the different stages like anger, letting go, etc. and they’re just right – right now.
Thanks again, Steve for putting it all together.
Stonewalling is part of our “Backspath’…….as Oxy said.
It’s all part of the concept of their projections. They know it works, they know it hurts, they know they can get a reaction, they know they wouldn’t like it done to them…………SO….do it right back at em!!!!
For a survivor…..Stonewalling = NC!
Perse~
Hi girl!!!
Glad your working towards your final exit! One thing I must say…….If your’ waiting for money….don’t. It won’t come. It’s his hold on you.
If you’d like to empower yourself…..sue him. get a judgement then go after him.
I’d highly recommend not playing nicey nice as your tactic for him to ‘feel bad’ for you and pay up…..he’ll just exploit that and throw you into the game further.
In Poker, one must know when to hold em and know when to fold em……not keep calling and raising. You go broke that way.
I understand you need the money…….but without this crap holding you down…..you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can bounce back up. In the time your waisting and health your compromising trying to get money out of him, by playing HIS game……you could be focused on YOU and start playing YOUR LIFE by YOUR RULES!!!
Good for you for sending his stuff back……now change your number, file a lawsuit and take it legal as you move on.
YOU CAN DO IT!
XXOO
EB
His unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to my feelings and concerns reflected his pure contempt for which they took no responsibility. Yes! A silent SAM! His absence of empathy, the relish in messing with my head, in watching me twist and squirm, my humiliating efforts and bids to be heard—there is something sadistic about this. I never hung on, always let go, never begged to have him back, on the contrary it was him who initiated things. Why last he asked to talk, said he was listening, I hardly spoke, it was him who needed to be honest and own, explain. Nothing, so I wrote again and knew, no contact , absolutely no contact. so i was mean in hopes he would leave me alone. I would never believe his words or actions again, all I got when I saw him was disgusting flirting all around, no empathy at all. I was nothing to fight for, not even visible yet he was there for everyone else. I knew, as other women let me know, he was there for them. Don’t know why he wanted someone back he never wanted, or why he would sleep with people I knew, flirt with people I know, dont know how they all think after the fact when its all over and there relationships were exposed, that I still have no right to be upset at their games. They still look me in the eye, smile, and pretend that they are good people, and I am in the wrong to dare be hurt when I see them together. I’m not hurt any more, just disgusted. And grateful, I am nothing like them, and they will never be anything like me, no matter how much they scheme to look better. No matter how much they try to break me, I will never smile or trust them again.
Hi Erin:
You’re here, how great…Don’t worry, I’d already seen the writing on the wall about the money – it is so strange that he brought it up a couple of months ago that he would give me $400 or more when he got his income tax money back – in my gut I knew it would never happen but like Lucy, Charlie Brown and the football I still slightly bought into it, still thinking I’d paid my dues and been the good girlfriend long enough that he just might mean it and follow through this time. But I knew I was in trouble when he started making excuses and changed the amount several times – went from ‘how much do you need?’ to I’ll be able to give you $300, then $200 and then nothing. It’s just been hard to wrap my head around – essentially he’s homeless, stays with a friend and friend’s mother in another city, doesn’t have a car. Have not been with him consistently over the years but have always had ‘the bond’ with him, we both love sports and he was usually fun to be with. But my energy and money has always been at risk with him…I’d drawn many boundaries just in last year and he’d seemed to respect them more and more, even gave me small amount of money occasionally… now he knows I can’t afford to help him anymore. But the fact that he’ll diss my family (only to me) about not helping me more and then say he’s going to ‘do the right thing’ by me and then nothing…maybe there is either a screw loose or it is just some sadistic thing he has, maybe going back to women who let him down in past, who knows and now who cares…sometimes I’d think maybe he thinks it’s ok to offer the money over and over, or say it’s coming – like it’s ‘the thought that counts”, that he really intended to follow through, but isn’t that crazy?
So for me to sue him would just be a further waste of my time and emotions – he doesn’t have any money. I’ve helped him with my computer and time to look for jobs, fill out applications, etc….No more on that, how can he stonewall me on something for weeks and then continue to think I’ll be in his corner – the sense of entitlement is amazing. When I did get so angry at him one day on phone, i just ripped him for being so ridiculous and at the very least for not understanding how true friends treat one another. I got no real response on that one and later thought – I’ve come so far, in a way it felt good to just flat out say it to him but I know it’s so useless, just more racking of my body and senses that can’t be good.
Good to hear your voice, Erin, hope all is well in your life. I’m ok, I know I may slip back and be sad soon as I know my addiction is still in me so I have to be so careful, so careful. My kids and grandson just left, we had one of the nicest birthday dinners in a long time. I even made a spur of the moment almond torte with cherry filling with whipped cream icing and shaved chocolate that turned out so beautiful and delicious – my son who loves to cook had two pieces!
Please hold me in your thoughts – going for a 2nd mammogram tomorrow as they want to check an area again – I’m nervous and hoping God doesn’t have a new test for me, I’m so ready to be well and move on and want my body to reflect it though I know it’s been there for all this stuff…I’m staying positive and calm no matter what. At times I wanted to just die so I could escape him and all my responsibilities but I feel enthusiastic and ready to live again, I hope God’s with me on that, I’ve not meant to be ungrateful in any way for the blessings I’ve always had and have.
I want to say hi to Hens, too – hope you can just dismiss that guy in your life and not let him get to you in any way, you’ve been so strong so far (and you’re so funny, too!) Sending good thoughts and love to you.