Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns.
He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened, perhaps even listened at a length he may complain about.
In any case his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he’ll take no responsibility.
Rather, he may depict you as a boring windbag who doesn’t know when to “stop talking,” or who’s always making or looking for “trouble,” without recognizing or owning how his insistent refusal to listen, his determination NOT to listen, actually provokes, passive-aggressively, your very instinct to “talk” and “pursue him” until he gives a meaningful response.
He may flat-out tell you he’s bored by, and uninterested in, the concerns you raise, regardless of how strongly you feel about them, and regardless of how strong your need to discuss them is. It may be that the more urgency you feel to broach your concerns, the more he’ll contemptuously stonewall you.
When your concerns pertain to the relationship itself, his rebuff will feel especially cruel and leave you feeling especially helpless. It will also very likely be dripping with some form of passive-aggressive, if not aggressive, contempt.
Now this is stonewalling, and stonewalling is a nasty, hurtful thing to do to someone; it leaves the stonewalled party feeling as negated as a person can feel.
You don’t have to be a sociopath to stonewall. Plenty of non-sociopaths stonewall. But many sociopaths are stonewallers, and the act of stonewalling itself, especially when it’s intentional, often contains the cold, callous attitude of the sociopath.
The stonewaller’s absence of empathy for the stonewalled party, perhaps even the relish the stonewaller takes in messing with the stonewalled party’s head, in watching her twist and squirm and perhaps make humiliating efforts and bids to be heard—there can be something actually sadistic about this.
Stonewalling will tend to elicit some common feelings in the stonewalled party—among them shame, anger, rage, infuriation, humiliation, desperation (to be heard), helplessness, and a sense of being driven crazy.
Stonewalling, then, is a form of “gaslighting” insofar as it can leave the stonewalled party feeling as if she’s speaking a foreign language inaccessible to the stonewaller even though she knows perfectly well the stonewaller speaks the language, literally, but either refuses to speak it or “acts” like he doesn’t.
This can have a “crazy-making” effect, as if he’s accusing her (as he may very well do) of speaking incomprehensibly.
Stonewallers, whether sociopaths or not, are seriously disturbed communicators. Their indifference to the stonewalled party’s experience, as noted, can be chilling. Their stonewalling often reflects character pathology, in which case they won’t change—they will always be stonewallers.
Stonewallers are destructive partners whom it’s best to avoid, and even leave, for your sanity’s and dignity’s sake. I make this strong suggestion in cases where the stonewaller refuses to assume total and genuine responsibility for his stonewalling, which is not always, but too often is, the case.
You need to stop banging your head against the “wall” (the pun is apt) trying to reach the stonewaller, because he is not reachable. Futility is what you are left feeling again and again, until you feel depressed and hopeless. The futility is not in your head. It is real, and will always be the experience with the stonewaller, who disowns responsibility for the suffering his stonewalling causes you.
Identify the stonewalling partners in your life; if they can’t, or won’t, take charge of their stonewalling, get them out of your life as best, completely and fast as you can.
(This article is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronoun was strictly for convenience’s sake and not to imply that females aren’t equally capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
I have been a faithful Lovefraud blog reader for 2 years now and I feel compelled to express some thoughts. I have not blogged before, but this article has “inspired” me if you will.
First I would like to express my deep thankfulness that this blog exists. This community of support is amazing and even though I have not participated in any of the blogs, they have helped me through some very difficult times and have also helped me reach an understanding of the man I was involved with.
I was involved with a sociopath for 2.5 years. I have suspected he was a sociopath for 2 of those years. I found this site and I read every article there was and read the blogs and even though the man I was involved with showed very obvious signs of being a sociopath, there was still a part of me that would doubt it or justify his behavior. After all, we were soul mates, so why would he intentionally hurt me?
This article described so many of the things that I was feeling. He literally made me feel like I was crazy, because of how he would not listen or not respond to me when I would confront him on a particular subject. I didn’t know what that was called, but Steve described it so well! It was the stonewalling that finally made me leave the man I was seeing. I found out about an affair he was having, another women who claimed to be his “soul-mate”. When I confronted him, he denied, denied, denied and then admitted he was seeing her, but made me feel crazy when I asked questions.
When I look back over the past 2.5 years, I know there have been other women, but he stonewalled me into thinking I was nuts for thinking so. I finally left the sociopath a week ago, it took me that long to be ready and to finally realize that I am worth it! So thank you lovefraud community for everything. You are all amazing people and are all worth it!
Hi Holly;
Good on you to leave! The secret is, when they are calling YOU crazy and it doesn’t make sense…it isn’t true and most likely they are projecting their own CRAZINESS onto you. Glad to see you write. It’s good for the soul. xxoo
Holly, glad you finally posted! I often wonder if there are people lurking out there in la-la land who don’t post but get something from the posts the rest of us do.
Glad you got the knowledge and the power to leave that jerk! Knowledge really IS POWER!
TOWANDA FOR YOU!!!! Whatever you do, you know the drill…block his e mails, block his texts and do NOT GO BACK. NO CONTACT!!!! It is teh only way, girlfriend! You know that drill so i know I am preaching to the choir@....... But you know me already and you know I have my cyber skillet handy! LOL (((hugs))) and welcome from lurker-land!
Persephone: From what I can tell, your significant other owes you, or promised you several hundred dollars. You are NEVER going to get this money, so just move on. Whatever he has cheated out of you, or outright stolen from you over the course of the relationship is simply GONE. How many hours have you spent arguing with him about this money? Your time is worth more than a nickel an hour. He is laughing his ass off about you begging him for $200 or whatever. You could babysit somebody’s kids for a few days and get that much. Change your phone number, and do not give the new number out to anybody who is in contact with your ex.
GENERAL ADVICE to people going through a divorce or custody fight: Do NOT give out enough information on this website or any other so that somebody could have an “Aha!” moment and realize who you are. Even if your ex doesn’t look at this site, his sister or neighbor or co-worker might. It really is a small world. Change a few details (sex and age of children) and don’t give out too many identifying details. Also, one or more of your children might look at this website someday, etc. If you don’t have kids under 18, this probably isn’t a big deal, but the younger your children are, the more years you have ahead of you dealing with the crazy-making ex-spouse, so don’t make things harder on yourself than they are already.
Divorced from G:
Thanks for your concern but I never have asked him for money – I’ve even told him not to think about it as he’s had his own money problems. HE OFFERED and has done this before and gets mad if I protest about the way he goes about NOT following through – it’s the two weeks of almost daily calling saying he’ll be getting it off soon, will be giving me tracking number and then intermixed with regular conversation calls or just checking in calls and if I bring up the money situation he’s ignoring to mention or explain, he gets testy like I’m money-grubbing. As I said earlier, at this point it’s not about the money, though if he had followed through would have really helped me and would be nice if you could have a DAY you knew it was arriving by – it’s about the SAYING you’re going to do it, then nothing. So I’ve never begged for money, not my style anyway – if someone wants to help me, I no longer turn it down but I don’t beg for sure. And on all levels, I’ve come to value and expect others to value my time more – I work and I try to be productive/money-making when I’m not at work, too.
You’re right about being careful about giving out too many details, I was wrong to get too specific – i know your advice was general but I was definitely guilty of that and it’s actually one reason I don’t post more often. I let my frustration get away with me and wanted others here to try to make sense of it which is crazy itself! For some reason, I really don’t think this person is laughing at me, perhaps that’s denial but whatever the case I just know I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it any more.
Persephone,
Why do you even talk to this person who keeps promising to pay you and then doesn’t follow through? What is the point? Why not just go no contact and be done with it?
Ox Drover:
Concur with the no contact. However, if Persephone has her S-ex’s social security number, I’d send him a collection letter. Get him to own up to the loan. Then file a 1099-C on him — you get the tax deduction, the loan is declared as income to him and HE has to pay taxes on it. If you don’t have his social security number, write him a letter offering to forgive the loan, but tell him that in order for you to do that you need his social security number so you can take the loss — trust me, these creatures are so short-sighted that he’ll think he’s getting off and will cheerfully hand out his social security number. And then you file the 1099-C and be done with it.
Oxy,
You know what? I got myself into such a bind with my house, work,finances and a family medical situation that was very sad (trying to avoid specifics now) that this person, though he’s driven me crazy at times, also was a source of comfort and I have felt needed by him. But I know it’s been unhealthy and I know the specifics here sound like there’s no explanation for my continuing to talk to him. That’s why I sent the package back…I had a number of days of NC but there was still situation unresolved that I felt I had to speak with him one more time, then my own medical situation just came up and he has seemed to be truly concerned and I haven’t wanted to jump the gun and tell anyone else about it (started to here…) so I did feel like I should follow up and let him know results.
I’ve only cut off one other person in my life and that was my second husband, who died a number of years ago – he was an alcoholic and I went to Al-Anon which helped me and the trauma of that relationship just got too bad to take. So yes, I’m not proud, happy or feel great about having gotten into another tough relationship with someone damaged – shows I’m damaged – I’ve been just trying to be a good person, trying to do the right thing by him in not shutting him totally off but I do know it is something I have to face, thought I HAD when I shipped off that package. I’ve just been trying to survive and stay afloat with my job, home, etc. like alot of people except I’ve been right on the edge.
So I plan to have another conversation as soon as I know more about results and possible biopsy after 2nd mammogram – I would rather go NC in a huge way but somehow I feel like I’d have no closure if I do it before I can tell him where I stand medically and then be honest and say(as I did in card in that box he said is lost…) that I can’t function and be his friend/lover/whatever anymore and I don’t want to talk to him anymore. He’ll be angry and I guess I just have to let that go too. Whoever said about it getting too painful to stay was right but it just seems like I wish I could talk to a priest (a good one, or Jesus!) and say – is it ok for me to do this to this person – he hasn’t been totally terrible to me, I still think he has merit as a person…as I write this, I realize how wimpy and lame it sounds. Let go and let God.
How do you explain something that feels so profound inside you, that you don’t feel right cutting someone you still have love for – totally OFF – Sky said something about it, spiritually. I know it is the best thing for me – I can’t even seem to concentrate when he’s not calling, I feel like he’s about to call and I have to be ‘on’ for the call…thanks, Oxy and I see Matt’s comment, too.
I have his social sec. # but as I said this was money he said he wanted to give me, kept saying he would give me, and even now says he wants to send me something. So to save my own sanity I do have to have the conversation ONE MORE TIME and just do it. I’ve already written off any lost money, etc. in the past as GONE.
Thank you, too Matt – I appreciate your help with that information.
Persephone7
I am so in your corner about the difficulty of NO CONTACT. I could not do so with my family until my parents died. I kept trying and trying to get the love I so much needed. It is a pattern of mine. I never give up on people who need to be given up on.
It is happening in another case as well…worse! He molested my granddaughter!!!! But I was so dependent on him by the time I found out (and had him charged…he goes to jail on May 8th of this year because he plead guilty (so freaking sick he left his crime on cd’s which I found). I had to run from his home and did not talk to him for four months…
I am alone. I am isolated. I have no family anymore since my son died and I am financially ready for the streets. He comes along again and offers to support me telling me he owes it to me for what he did to my granddaughter and how horrible he feels for putting me in this situation (I was living with him at the time as a friend, although we dated for 2 years prior to 3 years of friends). Blah blah blah. The man makes me puke.
I feel sick, drained, and so full of self-hatred because I feel my allowing his phone calls and financial help is betraying my granddaughter.
Yes, I understand my mother now too and how she continued to remain with my stepfather who molested me. Although she said she just plain didn’t believe me and she sure as hell didn’t run to the police to protect me.
NO CONTACT is HARD…some people find it easy, like I found it easy with my dad’s ex girlfriend…but some people, whom you have had a very long and intimate relationship with…wow…it almost brings you to the ledge.
I told him I cannot wait until he is in jail (he will likely get 18 months) so that I can go on with my life and find other ways to survive. I AM DEPENDENT ON HIM. My home is too expensive but I must keep it so my granddaughter can visit and I can keep my dogs. My book doesn’t pay the bills and at 52 no one is hiring me although I have excellent skills. I finally decided to do books but I am so drained from this CONTACT that I still cannot find the energy to go out. Hell, I usually don’t even get dressed.
Counselling? Yes, I need it…but no money and no insurance.
Yea, I know, I know I know I know better. But it’s freaking HARD! I hate HIM!!! And yet I let him in my life so that I can take his damn money.
Whose the sick one now? me.
Oh, P.S. I would NEVER allow my granddaughter around this creep again if anyone wonders. I do protect her. I just don’t know how to gain the strength to protect myself. I’ve been conditioned by my own parents to feel unworthy and those tapes just won’t stop playing.
Sorry…your story made sense to me and I had to rant…I hope you can get rid of your S as soon as possible. But I know it’s hard.
There, I said it. I’m waiting for the backlash.