Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.
Chapter 43B: No Way Out
I realize now that this was all an act. If Paul sensed I was going to leave him (and our marriage was going to dissolve on my terms, not his), he needed to do something drastic—appear to care, to accept some responsibility for our relationship, and to be committed to change. He needed to tap my empathy.
Paul’s request felt surreal, partly because it was so out of character and partly because a piece of me must have been holding onto the foolish hope that the Paul with whom I had fallen in love was still there and would return someday.
“Of course,” I said, not knowing how else to respond. “Therapy is a great idea. I’ll ask her for some names the next time I see her.”
When we got back home, Paul hugged me. “Thanks so much,” he said. “I love you. I know I don’t tell you that often enough, but I really do.”
My head was spinning. What was going on? I needed air. I needed to think, to get out of the house and be alone. I took Mr. Wrinkles and Ella for a long walk. After fifteen minutes, I sat down near a tree in a quiet cul-de-sac where no one could see me. Sobs erupted from some deep place, shaking my body uncontrollably. Blood pounded inside my forehead with such force that I feared a blood vessel could burst. I am too young, in too good of physical shape, and my blood pressure is too low, I reasoned. I can’t have a heart attack or stroke. Still the powerful, out-of-control unrelenting pressure in my head scared me. My spine, neck, and gut felt like they were on fire. My stomach convulsed, and I suppressed the urge to vomit. Never have I experienced something so primal, my body raging out of control. I tried to breathe, to focus my thoughts. My instincts were screaming RUN! But Paul had pulled out the ultimate weapon once again—he had tapped my empathy. Damn him! Damn him! Damn him!
Why now? What should I do? Just a day earlier, I had decided I wanted out of this marriage. Now Paul was saying he felt broken, that he wanted to change, that he wanted to start seeing a therapist, that he wanted my support. Was this real or should I stay on the path of independence and plan my exit? Should I give him a chance? How could I know? What the hell had just happened?
I suppressed the strong, animalistic urge to run and decided to wait and see. After all, I was not planning on walking out the door that night. I was planning on using whatever time I needed to get stronger emotionally and to make changes that could create a foundation for a new life—like getting a job, continuing with my therapist, and researching divorce lawyers and places to live. I could still do those things while seeing if Paul was genuine in his desire to change, couldn’t I?
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How do I recover from a manipulative friendship?
please…please…please post the next chapter sooner than next Friday! I don’t know if I can wait that long to find out what happened! I want to scream through the computer to RUN!!!
Says me – the woman whose husband just filed a Motion to hold me in Contempt of Court cuz I won’t give in to his strong-arm tactics to move 120 miles back to the kids’ hometown and give them to him 50/50. (As soon as we can get a court date, we are arguing that this order needs to be removed and does not apply in our case) I fled due to his emotional, verbal abuse and our soon-to-be-homeless status cuz there was no money. What else was I supposed to do? My parents have paid thousands to support me the last 3 months and his response is: “It’s going to get very expensive for you.” …so… you WANT the only source of funds to care for the children to dry up?
I just wish he would jump in someone else’s bed and go away! But it may be that I have found the only faithful psychopath out there! *sigh*
I read the book in one sitting; I couldn’t put it down. It’s available here: https://www.amazon.com/Husband-Liar-Sociopath-Painful-Lessons-ebook/dp/B016APS1SG
My sociopathic ex would do similar moves when he realized I was ready to leave – the love bombing, fake crying, promises, promises, promises to change, flowers, etc. I, too, had a physical reaction. I couldn’t breathe, literally. I was suffocating. I couldn’t catch my breath. I wanted to believe he was changing, that he really loved me desperately. He seemed so humiliated. “He tapped my empathy”. (Cognitive dissonance reigned). I actually went to the doctor thinking I had COPD. (I was only 30 years old). It was all psychosomatic. Needless to say, since the decision to leave, I’ve never been healthier (excluding the STD’s he left me with.)
Sounds like your intuition was telling you that he is harmful and dangerous to you. It is understood that intuition, especially women’s, is often accurate in discerning danger when the conscious mind may not recognize it. A good book on the subject is The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker.
Glad this dangerous manipulative man is now your ex.