By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Back in the days when wars were fought with bows and arrows, swords and slings, soldiers wore armor to protect themselves from the enemy’s weapons. Various kinds of armor were designed to protect the soldiers, while at the same time giving them the ability to move. At each of the places that were left open so that the soldier could move, there was a “chink” in the armor. This was where an enemy’s arrow, spear tip or sword could pierce between the plates on either side. So the term “chink in the armor” came to mean the places where we were vulnerable to attack, even though we were covered everywhere else by protective armor.
As far as I know, there was never any perfectly designed armor that would totally protect a soldier from weapons. Even the tanks and humvees of modern times, along with the “bullet proof vests” worn by our soldiers and policemen, don’t totally protect them from attack by enemies.
Our own armor
Each of us has some boundaries to protect us. Just as armor is for protection of soldiers, the boundaries are for protecting us in dealing with others ”¦ both friends and enemies. Boundaries are the armor that we use to keep others from wounding us. Boundaries prevent others from getting too close, stabbing us emotionally or piercing us to the core financially.
Of course, these boundaries keep people from closer, more intimate contact as well. The more boundaries we have between us and someone else, the less intimate we can be with them, the less trusting. However, we must have some boundaries with all other people ”¦ some limits that we place on how those people treat us, even people we love.
Boundaries in intimate relationships
In most marriages, one boundary is that sexual intimacy is reserved for the two of them only. This boundary is fairly frequently broken, though, with statistics showing that 60% of married men and 40% of married women have, at one time or another, violated that boundary at least once.
What is the consequence of violation of that boundary? Will trust ever be totally restored between those two people if that boundary is violated?
Another (usually) unspoken boundary between people who are in an intimate, loving relationship is that there will be no physical violence between them. Too frequently in our country, we read in the newspapers where this boundary is broken and domestic violence occurs. Should a person who has experienced physical violence from someone they love and are romantically involved with give that person another chance? And another?
Where do we draw the line?
Chinks in our armor
The “chinks in our armor” are those places between our boundaries were others can sink their weapons and wound us to the core. There is no way that any one person can have enough boundaries to protect themselves from any wound, physical or emotional, from everyone they know. If we could have, we would be like the soldier who was so encased in plate steel that he could not move, but was trapped inside a metal statue.
Sometimes though, the chinks in our armor are so large that we are very easily wounded, because our armor (boundaries) are so flimsy or loose that it is easy for a person to get around them and sink an arrow into our hearts. When we don’t set boundaries that protect us, we allow others to treat us with contempt and have no respect for our individuality. No respect for our person-hood. When this happens, people can repeatedly treat us with hostility and get away with it.
Reasonable boundaries
Having “reasonable boundaries” (and deciding what those boundaries are) is important for our healthy development. We must be able to stick by those boundaries when the going gets tough and people try to circumvent them. We must be able to stand up to someone and say, “I will not allow you to treat me that way,” or “If you want to have a relationship with me, then I must be able to trust you.” And mean it. We must be willing to walk away if someone is not willing to treat us with respect.
I’ve heard many (mostly) women say, “Well I took a vow ’til death do us part and I have to stick to it” when their husbands were cheating on them, beating on them, and not supporting their children. I never really understood why these women felt that their vows were important to keep, when their mate’s were out the window. The chinks in their armor were so wide that there literally was no armor, they just stood there while their spouses repeated “stabbed” them over and over.
It’s hard setting boundaries. I know. I’ve stayed when I should have gone. I’ve waffled when I should have stood firm. I’ve given in when I should have kept on fighting. But I’m learning. Day by day, as the occasion arises, I am learning to stand up for myself and to require others to treat me with the same kind of respect that I accord them. I am realizing that many times people will only treat me as well as I insist that they do. For those that won’t treat me well no matter what I do, then I just have to write those people out of my life.
I’ve come to realize that no vow I took, and no DNA donation I’ve received or made, allows others to treat me with contempt or disrespect. I’ve come to realize what my boundaries are, what I will tolerate and what I won’t, and to draw the line in the sand and stick by it. It will probably always be difficult, because I didn’t learn healthy boundary setting as a child. But the more I practice it the better I get, and the easier it is.
So close up some of those chinks in your boundary armor, and you’ll end up with fewer wounds to treat later.
Will ya grab me a whopper? Oh wait, a big mac? or a little red-headed step-child with a gap in her teeth and freckles?
Oh, no. Never mind, I have Pinky, and a pot of pork stew.
Sunflower,
I have been gone all day and just got back to read your response.
That’s the thing, you set a boundary, but your father IGNORES IT and he knows you will not follow through. As long as you ALLOW others to treat you poorly they will continue to treat you poorly.
If a horse, or dog or human, comes up and BITES YOU and you do nothing, if they suffer NO CONSEQUENCE for hurting you, they will not stop. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LOVE A RABID DOG INTO LOVING YOU IN RETURN. That’s just the truth.
Ifone of my dogs nipped at me, I would first GROWL at the dog, if the dog nipped again, I would grab him by the ruff and shake him good, if he did it again, I would BITE HIM ON THE EAR, if that did not stop the dog from trying to bite me, I would shoot him. If a person “bites” me I will warn them, if they continue to bite me, if I can I will avoid them, because I DO NOT WANT SOMEONE IN MY LIFE WHO HURTS ME AND REFUSES TO RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES. If the person SERIOUSLY tries to hurt me or kill me, I will fight back with the minimum amount of force needed to keep me safe.
In training large or dangerous animals I expect the animal to respect my boundaries and I will do what ever I have to do to make that animal SAFE to be around, up to and including putting the animal in a hole in the ground. Horses and cattle “play” by kicking and hooking and biting each other and by using these tactics to establish dominance in the herd. These “play” and “dominance establishing” behaviors can prove to be very injury producing in humans 1/10th of their size, up to and including DEATH.
I AM THE ALPHA BIATCH in my herd/pack and every animal on my farm either respects this position or they go to that great barn in the sky. I do not intend to let a 1200 pound horse or a 2,000 pound steer trespass on my boundaries. In the case of a cow, if she even SHAKES HER HEAD AT ME or even Paws the ground, that is enough to get her sent to the butcher.
I’ve always had good sense about livestock…if an animal was TRYING to hurt me, I got rid of it…but I gave HUMANS chance after chance after chance to hurt me before I would get them out of my life. If a human that was not part of my immediate “herd” crossed a boundary…I defended it, but if it was someone I knew or was in my “herd” I let them walk all over me.
NO MORE….it doesn’t matter now what DNA I share with them, if they don’t respect my boundary I don’t need them.
Sunshine I can not tell you how to make your father or anyone else respect your boundaries if YOU allow them to walk all over you. Your fear of being “alone” keeps you from defending your boundaries, so WHAT do you think you can do to make them respect you? Nothing I can think of. I set boundaries for people too and they walked all over them until I stood up and enforced the boundary…if you want to be in my life, this is how you must treat me. Some people obviously didn’t really want to be in my life because they continued to treat me poorly. So they are no longer in my life.
Sunflower,
The setting of boundaries: you seem to think that communicating to others what your boundary is equals to setting a boundary.
For a long while I used to think the same as you, and have the same frustrations when someone didn’t listen and totally ignored it.
A boundary is not just a verbal agreement, Sunflower. It is actually very physical. You verbally draw a line, but when the other crosses it, consequences follow, prewarned or not. Some social boundaries are even unspoken. You don’t need to verbally tell every person not to call you names, for example. You may do that to a child or a teen, but you may expect it to be a non communicated line between yourself and an adult. If someone does that: you can immediately let there be a consequence to it.
For example… when I saw the spath splash his resting father with water, preplanned, in order to shame his father in front of me, as well as saw him lie with a smooth face “Oh, sorry, did that by accident”… I first helped his father by handing him a towl, then turned and walked straight out of there, onwards to home. Spath came running after me. At least he never did such a thing in my company anymore.
Notice: I did not tell him “Please, stop doing that, or I will walk away right here and now.” I just DID.
I fully recognized that I had no power over the spath’s behaviour towards his father, nor their relationship. But I had the power over making sure he would not use me as audience to it.
I have had an acquaintance who thought I was her best friend, and she wanted to be my best friend. She was 26. I was 34. She knew I had a growing attraction for a man I had met. I was so attracted to him that it could knock me off my feet. She had never seen me in this way before, and she decided to take matters, MY MATTERS, in her own hands. She did not know him, she was never introduced to him, he did not know her. But she walked up to him one evening and told him “he should be careful with me, because I was in love with him.” That 13-year old girls do this is little surprise and in their world a show of friendship. To do it with an adult man and adult woman, both in their 30s is beyond stupid. Of course, him thinking me already seeing wedding bells probably as well as friends approaching him with concern for my heart, just sent him running for the hills. Can’t blame him.
She ran after me in a panick as I walked out of there, begged me to be let in my car, begged me to understand she was only doing it for me, blablablablabla. I asked her to please step out of the car and to never contact me again. She texted me several times, and when I ignored these, she texted me that I was harsh, cruel and ungrateful. I didn’t care. I don’t fall in love every month with another man, and there’s not a new man falling in love with me every other month either. Friendship means supporting eahc other, but not meddling or solving each other’s lives for each other. She was no friend to me, nor my life, and I would not risk her creating any other havoc by it. I have seen her by chance once in a while on the street the past years. I will greet her. I will answer her general questions about my life. But I don’t even inquire after hers.
With the teens I teach: they know there are consequences to what they do. Of some I must give a warning each class again (talking, getting up), on other rules I never need to give a warning but can instantly present them with a consequence (eating or drinking in class, namecalling). But I don’t warn multiple times for the same thing.
Vocalisations are not setting boundaries, but drawing a line on the ground. The actual setting of boundaries is acting out a consequence if someone disrespects it. The best are where the disrespectful person ceases to get any attention from you, without resentment or anger. If people don’t listen, it’s not your problem, but theirs.
And if you warn people about a boundary and you include to inform them of the consequence, NEVER EVER threaten someone with a consequence that you will not be able to act out. Because it never works. People, spath or no spath, know when someone makes a threat they cannot or will not follow up. Heck I knew it whenever spath tried to bully me into getting what he wanted with threats. And I called bluff on him every time.
OX Drover, Darwinsmom
I don’t think that I let people walk all over me all the time. However I do understand your points and you are right.
Sunflower, my work on setting boundaries has been REALLY challenging because I never maintained boundaries throughout my lifetime. At my age, this old dog is learning some new tricks, and it takes a bit of time to rewire my system of beliefs and my abilities to “follow through.”
I’ve noticed that most people who do not have “an agenda” to cause harm will not only respect boundaries, but actually appreciate them because it gives them a clear understanding of what is, and isn’t, allowable. People ALWAYS test boundaries – it’s the first thing that they learn to do as a toddler.
And, you asked, “Is it possible that it is an irrational fear driven by childhood memories of my mother’s threats about killing my budgies or her self that still runs?” Sure it is possible, and quite likely. If you experienced THAT kind of fear as a child, FEAR is the driving force of many things! I say this only because I identify with fear-based decisions and choices, and shame-core failures in boundaries.
You don’t have to “fight until death” to maintain boundaries and follow through with consequences, seriously. OxD’s response about boundaries and animals is WONDERFULLY eloquent and easily understood, right? Well, with human beings and boundaries, it’s the same scenario, but MY failure to set and maintain boundaries were based upon my own fears of: invalidation, abuse, trauma, abaondonment, hunger, cold, neglect, etc. I was afraid that people wouldn’t “LIKE ME” if I set boundaries. Then, when I tried to set boundaries, I didn’t know that following through with consequences did NOT have to be anger-based! It was an epiphany, Sunflower, because I had always believed that consequences were anger-based, and that is simply not always true.
The double-standards presents because it’s been “allowed.” That’s all. For those who maintain double-standards, I have no use for them, whatsoever. The same goes with enablers, fence-sitters, and minions. They may not be spath, but they are TOXIC and I have NO use for toxicity in human beings. I don’t NEED those types of people in my life. I’m working on excising toxicity out of my own head, so why would I allow toxic people to walk into the space that I just worked so hard to clear out for “healthy” fulfillment?
Once you begin “feeling” that you are, indeed, valuable, love-able (WORTHY of non-sexual love), and rebuild all of the healthy “Self-isms” that never really had a chance to take root (as per childhood trauma), you will realize that you DESERVE and EXPECT others to respect your boundaries and, if they choose to violate them, you can simply shut the door, without anger or guilt. It takes time, sweetie – just time.
Brightest blessings
Darwinsmom, SPOT-ON!!!!!
Kim, you’re an artist and I’m so glad that you’re getting yourself back!!!!!!! It give me some hope and inspiration!
Rock on and brightest blessings
Sunflower, you said:
“Is it possible that it is an irrational fear driven by childhood memories of my mother’s threats about killing my budgies or her self that still runs? I remember she used to threaten with it everytime I sat boundaries for her.”
ABSOLUTELY!!!!! What a horrible thing to do to a child. For a parent to threaten to kill themselves if a child doesn’t do X, y or Z is the WORST FORM OF CHILD ABUSE I can imagine. That is very well why you have difficulty following through on consequences for boundary violations.
Sunflower, I really think that you have some issues that are very deep and very important that you resolve and I think that while LF bloggers (myself included) may be able to support your journey to find and resolve these issues, I think that (the above being an example) some of them are significant and deep enough that you need to get some professional counseling to work on these with. I am not saying you are crazy or anything of the like, but that there some serious issues here. I AM a mental health care professional and I had to get some counseling, and believe me it was difficult to be on the “wrong side” of the clip board, but I could not have resolved them without having professional counseling. That face to face interaction with a caring professional able to help you work through these early traumas so that you can put them behind you and live a healthy and happy life. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Truthspeak,
Thank you for your encouraging words. It really is a HUGE challenge. I guess when I can manage it I will feel a great sense of relief and FREEDOM.
Ok Ox Drover,
My sincere apologies. I did not mean to put it all out there and lay it all on LF members support. I’ve tried to take this up in therapy, but in my country they have very little experience with this kind of trauma. There is very little knowledge about NPD’s or P’s.
I will delete my posts. Either way, thank you for your support and kind advice.
OxD, you are 100% spot-on. Such emotional abuse of a child inevitably results in a crippling shame-core that they are somehow responsible for whether their parent kills themselves, or something else. I agree that any child who is threatened in the manner that you were suffered the worst of all abuses and the lifelong ramifications of this can be catastrophic.
Everything that I experienced as a child set the stage for me to act out the role of victim, Sunflower, and this is probably why the “Healing The Shame” is so painful for you – you need that face-to-face interaction and EXPERTISE with a trained professional to assist you in this journey. It doesn’t mean that you are nuts, disordered, or anything else negative if you engage in serious counseling! What it means is that you intend to end the madness and rebuild yourself as you were intended to be.
Sunflower, you are the adult survivor of child abuse and OxD is absolutely well-versed in this. You can find a good, strong therapist through many avenues and here are just three:
http://www.ascasupport.org/
http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm
http://www.ndvh.org
Brightest and most encouraging blessings to you