By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Back in the days when wars were fought with bows and arrows, swords and slings, soldiers wore armor to protect themselves from the enemy’s weapons. Various kinds of armor were designed to protect the soldiers, while at the same time giving them the ability to move. At each of the places that were left open so that the soldier could move, there was a “chink” in the armor. This was where an enemy’s arrow, spear tip or sword could pierce between the plates on either side. So the term “chink in the armor” came to mean the places where we were vulnerable to attack, even though we were covered everywhere else by protective armor.
As far as I know, there was never any perfectly designed armor that would totally protect a soldier from weapons. Even the tanks and humvees of modern times, along with the “bullet proof vests” worn by our soldiers and policemen, don’t totally protect them from attack by enemies.
Our own armor
Each of us has some boundaries to protect us. Just as armor is for protection of soldiers, the boundaries are for protecting us in dealing with others ”¦ both friends and enemies. Boundaries are the armor that we use to keep others from wounding us. Boundaries prevent others from getting too close, stabbing us emotionally or piercing us to the core financially.
Of course, these boundaries keep people from closer, more intimate contact as well. The more boundaries we have between us and someone else, the less intimate we can be with them, the less trusting. However, we must have some boundaries with all other people ”¦ some limits that we place on how those people treat us, even people we love.
Boundaries in intimate relationships
In most marriages, one boundary is that sexual intimacy is reserved for the two of them only. This boundary is fairly frequently broken, though, with statistics showing that 60% of married men and 40% of married women have, at one time or another, violated that boundary at least once.
What is the consequence of violation of that boundary? Will trust ever be totally restored between those two people if that boundary is violated?
Another (usually) unspoken boundary between people who are in an intimate, loving relationship is that there will be no physical violence between them. Too frequently in our country, we read in the newspapers where this boundary is broken and domestic violence occurs. Should a person who has experienced physical violence from someone they love and are romantically involved with give that person another chance? And another?
Where do we draw the line?
Chinks in our armor
The “chinks in our armor” are those places between our boundaries were others can sink their weapons and wound us to the core. There is no way that any one person can have enough boundaries to protect themselves from any wound, physical or emotional, from everyone they know. If we could have, we would be like the soldier who was so encased in plate steel that he could not move, but was trapped inside a metal statue.
Sometimes though, the chinks in our armor are so large that we are very easily wounded, because our armor (boundaries) are so flimsy or loose that it is easy for a person to get around them and sink an arrow into our hearts. When we don’t set boundaries that protect us, we allow others to treat us with contempt and have no respect for our individuality. No respect for our person-hood. When this happens, people can repeatedly treat us with hostility and get away with it.
Reasonable boundaries
Having “reasonable boundaries” (and deciding what those boundaries are) is important for our healthy development. We must be able to stick by those boundaries when the going gets tough and people try to circumvent them. We must be able to stand up to someone and say, “I will not allow you to treat me that way,” or “If you want to have a relationship with me, then I must be able to trust you.” And mean it. We must be willing to walk away if someone is not willing to treat us with respect.
I’ve heard many (mostly) women say, “Well I took a vow ’til death do us part and I have to stick to it” when their husbands were cheating on them, beating on them, and not supporting their children. I never really understood why these women felt that their vows were important to keep, when their mate’s were out the window. The chinks in their armor were so wide that there literally was no armor, they just stood there while their spouses repeated “stabbed” them over and over.
It’s hard setting boundaries. I know. I’ve stayed when I should have gone. I’ve waffled when I should have stood firm. I’ve given in when I should have kept on fighting. But I’m learning. Day by day, as the occasion arises, I am learning to stand up for myself and to require others to treat me with the same kind of respect that I accord them. I am realizing that many times people will only treat me as well as I insist that they do. For those that won’t treat me well no matter what I do, then I just have to write those people out of my life.
I’ve come to realize that no vow I took, and no DNA donation I’ve received or made, allows others to treat me with contempt or disrespect. I’ve come to realize what my boundaries are, what I will tolerate and what I won’t, and to draw the line in the sand and stick by it. It will probably always be difficult, because I didn’t learn healthy boundary setting as a child. But the more I practice it the better I get, and the easier it is.
So close up some of those chinks in your boundary armor, and you’ll end up with fewer wounds to treat later.
Sunflower I can see that you are trying to set boundaries and in some cases, like with your X’s things, doing so successfully.
However, that said, I still think you need to get some counseling from a professional to address these issues. A mother that would give out her daughter’s name to a PORN SITE is not someone I would EVER suggest contact with again….and yes, from your comments I would say they are trying to guilt you. But again, these issues are SO SERIOUS, I strongly suggest that you get some professional counseling.
Sunflower, do NOT delete you posts, sweetie. It is VITAL for you and others in recovery to read TRUTH. Your posts are based upon experiences that many of us had and are too fearful to acknowledge.
You’re going to be okay, Sunflower – you are. Please, do NOT delete your posts, sweetie.
Loving hugs and blessings
EDIT ADD: Sunflower, I want to ask you a very pointed question and I want you to really consider it before you answer: WHY would you tell OxD that you’re going to delete your posts?
Truthspeak, too late. I’m sorry but Oxy is right. This is not a site where we are health proffecionals. We are only eachother’s supporters. I do not wish to “use” LF members in such a manner. You are people, though we’ve never met, I really cherish.
Ox: As I said, there ain’t such a thing in my area. When it comes to a certain point, they don’t understand. I have no other choice than to to work this out on my own. Believe me, If I found someone who truly, truly gets it I would do anything to get in that therapy. It is really, really, really hard to go through this completely on my own. I wont back down, I’m going to make it.
Sunflower, I’m not sure what country you are in, but if you are not satisfied with your therapist, I suggest that you might want to find another one, a different one. And sometimes medication is necessary for depression or anxiety that is very deep…it is a chemical imbalance in the brain just like diabetes is a hormonal imbalance between sugar and insulin.
Love Fraud is a great support site for people who have been traumatized by an encounter with a psychopath, but for people who have been brutally abused as children by a psychopathic parent and what you are describing IS brutal child abuse (the threatening suicide) and the giving out your phone number to strangers on PORN SITES? That is worse than “abuse” of an adult child in my opinion, she could have given your number to someone who would KILL YOU…EVER speaking to someone who would treat you this way is in my opinion not wise, but YOU have to make up your mind what you will tolerate before you go NO CONTACT with someone. YOU must set a boundary that “i will not allow people who treat me with disrespect to be in my life.”
Then you have to determine what “disrespect” is….and personally, I think putting my number up on PORN SITES is the ULTIMATE in “disrespect”–so I would eliminate that person from my life. I would not give someone like that a second chance. But it is YOUR life, so YOU must make the decisions of what “disrespect” is in your opinion.
MY choices have eliminated MANY “FRIENDS” and all but one of my relatives…but the people left in my life, in my circle of intimacy, treat me with respect and love. My choice is that any DISHONESTY eliminates that person from my life, like lies or irresponsibility. If someone is hateful to others or to me it eliminates them from my life. NC. Doesn’t matter what DNA I share with them or how long we’ve been ‘friends’–mean and hateful people are OUT. Completely out, and out forever.
Sunflower I hope you will work toward finding a therapist that can and will “get it” and also stick around here, there’s lots of support and lots of good reading, but in the END each of us is totally responsible for our own healing. God bless.
Ox:
All those people ARE out of my life. COMPLETELY NC. I do understand what you are saying. I hear you.
I will not use mediaction because it will stop the rewiring of the brain. I do not suffer from depression at this point, however rewiring will lead to mood swings now and then. I am volunteeringly scratching up my old wounds to heal them. I’m only cleaning out the skeleton out of my closet. My last experience with my spath was what led me to this point. He reopened every wound I actually thought was healed through years in therapy.
Again, my sincere apologies.
Sunflower, I think there are tons of great articles here that might help you work your situation out….and there IS SUPPORT here, I’m not trying to run you off…as far as it goes, LF is the BEST….and I would not have been here since 2006 if I didn’t get something out of it…believe me I STILL LEARN THINGS EVERY DAY HERE…but at the same time, at the time I was at my deepest pain, I NEEDED professional help and I got it. I had love fraud AND professsional help. And It took me a couple of tries to get the RIGHT professional at that.
I laugh now, I really LAUGH, because after a 2 hour intake interview in which I cried and cried and told him how everyone in my family was out to kill me, ya da ya da, etc. at the end of the interview he asked me OH, SO NICELY if I could bring in another person to vouch for the tale I had just told him. HE THOUGHT I WAS A PARANOID NUT JOB! LOL The next visit I took my son D and the court documents, etc. and then he believed me, but my story was so outlandish he thought I was imaginging such a plot.
When I hired an attorney to fight my son Patrick’s parole hearing I hired him over the telephone because he was in another state. I could tell by the tone of his voice he didn’t believe me any more than the therapist did, but a week or two later when he had seen thhe TRUNK FULL of documents I sent him he called back and said in almost an awe filled voice, “Your son reallllllly issssss a baaaaaad man” and I laughed again and said “you didn’t believe me did you?” and he answered, “truthfully, no, I didn’t, but now I do.”
Sunflower, what you have told me about your parents makes ME think that they are REALLLLLLY BADDDDD PARENTS, AND BAD PEOPLE. I would not want or allow such people in my life just from what you have already told me about them. NORMAL people do not behave like they have behaved toward you in my opinion….but that is MY OPINION….and that is all we can give you here is an OPINION, but YOU must decide what you will tolerate in order to have a “family.”
I had to make decisions just as tough, and many people here have. To cut off parents. To cut off and go NC with children that we loved and nurtured. To stop seeing “friends” of 30 plus years. To divorce spouses of 20-30 or more years. These are ALL big and difficult decisions made based on setting boundaries for what kind of behavior we will allow people to do to us.
You might also profit from reading “Trauma Bonds” because it sounds to me like you might be experiencing some from your abusive upbringing. So don’t leave LF, there’s lots here to help, but at the same time, LF is not a REPLACEMENT for some professional help as well. Just an ADDITION for it. God bless and keep on working.
Sunflower, I don’t think that OxD (or, anyone else) even remotely suggested that your posts were over-the-top and needed to be deleted from the thread. I think there was a distinct misinterpretation of her observation of your experiences, that’s all.
Counseling therapy isn’t any different in your country from what’s available in the U.S. Seriously, it isn’t. MOST mental health professionals do not “get it” about sociopathy and psychopathy because it is simply not “treatable,” so why even acknowledge it if there’s no treament?
I’ve typed this, before, and I’ll type it each time I observe a situation that warrants it: I found my counselor that 100% “GOT IT” by contacting my local domestic violence hotline and asking the phone volunteer for a list of professionals who understood sociopathy, PSTD, and Stockholm Syndrome. I specifically did this because I had attacked the exspath in a violent rage after the final lie, and I snapped. I did this of my own volition because I am not an abuser, I am not a violent person, and I was so horrified by my reaction that I wanted help, ASAP. Within a week, I was engaged in strong, painful, and incredible therapy with someone who had personal understanding of sociopathy/psychopathy.
Sometimes, Sunflower, we are simply not equipped to face these challenges without the help of a trained professional. If the engine in your vehicle suddely began to pour out black smoke and stopped working, would you take a shot at diagnostics and repairing the engine, yourself? Of course, not. If you saw that a bridge that you traveled over was beginning to sag and sway, would you take a trowel and some mortar and attempt to repair it, yourself? No, you’d call the local inspector. If your horse suffered a twisted gut, would you take out a Swiss Army Knife and perform an impromptu surgery to fix it? You’d call a verterinary surgeon, right?
It may be that you’ll need to “try on” a few counselors until you find a good fit – just like you’d try out a mechanic or a veterinarian. We don’t always go with the first one that makes an appointment with us. I just lucked out in a BIG way by calling the DV hotline, Sunflower.
And, deleting your posts doesn’t help you or others who have experienced the same things that you have. Lay it out there with confidence that these things happened and are an integral cog that needs work. Others who are in dire need will be able to identify with your experiences and find COMFORT in knowing that they aren’t alone.
Brightest blessings
OxD, no shit – I was on LF (and, still am) on a daily basis, but I HAD to have someone work me through the really ugly bits on a face-to-face basis.
One session, I went through an entire box of Kleenex because I was crying even BEFORE we went in and didn’t stop until an hour after the session ended!!! I got to be incredibly accurate at tossing the used tissues into her wastebin! I didn’t want to miss a second with her by getting up and depositing the tissues every 30 seconds!
Oh, man, and what I wouldn’t give to have access, right now. I have so much work to do, and I so much miss my counselor…. 🙁
Brightest blessings
As I’ve said before I’ve been through dousins, not just the one. I understand what you are saying and I am in theraphy with some one who gets a great deal and that is what I’m settling with. She also agrees that medication is not necessary in my case. My primary doctor is a professor at the university on this topic (youth development/abuse) and he also agrees with my therapist.
There is a reason why I’ve read every single book you’ve talked about, because they do not exist in my language. They have given me so much more than you can ever imagine.
And… when my car breaks down I actually do repair it my self because I can’t afford anything else (or other matters as well) , but that is a different conversation, lol 😉 I get your point 🙂
I deleted my post because I thought they were over the top. I understand Oxy’s point of view and agree with her. LF is not a replacement. It was only out of respect for myself and others.
As I just said: My spath was the reason which led me to this point. He was just a repeat of my childhood. He did just the same things as both my parents. I saw my entire childhood in what he did, even all the small things. I’ve said good bye to him and the cog/dis and went to work further within my self. Nothing more to it.
Sunflower I am glad you are NC with those people! But from your posts I didn’t understand you were NC with your father as you asked HOW TO GET HIM TO RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES about your sister and the way he spoke to her….so it sounded like you were STILL dealing with him. You said you didn’t talk to your mother for months, so I assumed you had gone back to talking to her…etc.
Learning to set boundaries is a life long process I think, I know it has been for me. My knee jerk response is to try to keep everyone happy and if someone is unhappy it is MY problem…WRONG. No, it is NOT my job to keep everyone happy and it is not my problem if someone is unhappy, it is their problem. If people treat me with disrespect, I confront (usually) these people and then if I don’t get the appropriate response they are out of my life. Just like they don’t exist.