By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Back in the days when wars were fought with bows and arrows, swords and slings, soldiers wore armor to protect themselves from the enemy’s weapons. Various kinds of armor were designed to protect the soldiers, while at the same time giving them the ability to move. At each of the places that were left open so that the soldier could move, there was a “chink” in the armor. This was where an enemy’s arrow, spear tip or sword could pierce between the plates on either side. So the term “chink in the armor” came to mean the places where we were vulnerable to attack, even though we were covered everywhere else by protective armor.
As far as I know, there was never any perfectly designed armor that would totally protect a soldier from weapons. Even the tanks and humvees of modern times, along with the “bullet proof vests” worn by our soldiers and policemen, don’t totally protect them from attack by enemies.
Our own armor
Each of us has some boundaries to protect us. Just as armor is for protection of soldiers, the boundaries are for protecting us in dealing with others ”¦ both friends and enemies. Boundaries are the armor that we use to keep others from wounding us. Boundaries prevent others from getting too close, stabbing us emotionally or piercing us to the core financially.
Of course, these boundaries keep people from closer, more intimate contact as well. The more boundaries we have between us and someone else, the less intimate we can be with them, the less trusting. However, we must have some boundaries with all other people ”¦ some limits that we place on how those people treat us, even people we love.
Boundaries in intimate relationships
In most marriages, one boundary is that sexual intimacy is reserved for the two of them only. This boundary is fairly frequently broken, though, with statistics showing that 60% of married men and 40% of married women have, at one time or another, violated that boundary at least once.
What is the consequence of violation of that boundary? Will trust ever be totally restored between those two people if that boundary is violated?
Another (usually) unspoken boundary between people who are in an intimate, loving relationship is that there will be no physical violence between them. Too frequently in our country, we read in the newspapers where this boundary is broken and domestic violence occurs. Should a person who has experienced physical violence from someone they love and are romantically involved with give that person another chance? And another?
Where do we draw the line?
Chinks in our armor
The “chinks in our armor” are those places between our boundaries were others can sink their weapons and wound us to the core. There is no way that any one person can have enough boundaries to protect themselves from any wound, physical or emotional, from everyone they know. If we could have, we would be like the soldier who was so encased in plate steel that he could not move, but was trapped inside a metal statue.
Sometimes though, the chinks in our armor are so large that we are very easily wounded, because our armor (boundaries) are so flimsy or loose that it is easy for a person to get around them and sink an arrow into our hearts. When we don’t set boundaries that protect us, we allow others to treat us with contempt and have no respect for our individuality. No respect for our person-hood. When this happens, people can repeatedly treat us with hostility and get away with it.
Reasonable boundaries
Having “reasonable boundaries” (and deciding what those boundaries are) is important for our healthy development. We must be able to stick by those boundaries when the going gets tough and people try to circumvent them. We must be able to stand up to someone and say, “I will not allow you to treat me that way,” or “If you want to have a relationship with me, then I must be able to trust you.” And mean it. We must be willing to walk away if someone is not willing to treat us with respect.
I’ve heard many (mostly) women say, “Well I took a vow ’til death do us part and I have to stick to it” when their husbands were cheating on them, beating on them, and not supporting their children. I never really understood why these women felt that their vows were important to keep, when their mate’s were out the window. The chinks in their armor were so wide that there literally was no armor, they just stood there while their spouses repeated “stabbed” them over and over.
It’s hard setting boundaries. I know. I’ve stayed when I should have gone. I’ve waffled when I should have stood firm. I’ve given in when I should have kept on fighting. But I’m learning. Day by day, as the occasion arises, I am learning to stand up for myself and to require others to treat me with the same kind of respect that I accord them. I am realizing that many times people will only treat me as well as I insist that they do. For those that won’t treat me well no matter what I do, then I just have to write those people out of my life.
I’ve come to realize that no vow I took, and no DNA donation I’ve received or made, allows others to treat me with contempt or disrespect. I’ve come to realize what my boundaries are, what I will tolerate and what I won’t, and to draw the line in the sand and stick by it. It will probably always be difficult, because I didn’t learn healthy boundary setting as a child. But the more I practice it the better I get, and the easier it is.
So close up some of those chinks in your boundary armor, and you’ll end up with fewer wounds to treat later.
Oxy:
Wow, that’s really something what the doctor said to Lily. Her children sound like monsters. Such a sad world we live in.
Louise, kmillercats and Oxy,
Children observe what is going on but they can’t understand what it means. I observed my spath and didn’t know what it meant until the guy in the sushi bar explained it to me.
Consider how confusing it is to us to see a person go from being kind and loving to mean and abusive. It’s so much worse for a child because they have to assume that this is normal. Then that behavior becomes part of their distorted world view. Explaining it to them later, does no good. They have already adopted their childish defensive strategies and they will take those with them into adulthood.
I’m not child psychologist but it seems to me that the sooner a child is helped to understand the disordered, the better. That way they don’t learn to take the blame and responsibility for something that is not their fault.
Of course, framing it in terms that an innocent mind can actually comprehend, is not easy, I’m sure. It seems to me that it would be good to call it a “sickness” that makes people want to hurt others. Then they can be warned that the sickness is contagious especially to little children who mimic how they see other people act.
Skylar, I agree – and, I agree that it should be “age appropriate.” I covered up the abuse in the first marriage, as did Lily. So, when I finally left, I was “the one” that ruined the marriage and was painted as crazy. Since I had always covered for their father and never spoke truthfully about what was going on, my sons STILL believe that the man was a beleagered saint.
It’s a very, very difficult challenge to accept the truth about our own situations. Accepting the truth that our offspring may not be what we had hoped that they would become is harder, still. We are taught that our children “deserve” our unconditional love, and that we are obligated to tolerate any and all behaviors and choices BECAUSE they are our offspring. It’s an ideal, but it’s not true. Just because it’s my offspring DOES NOT mean that I am required to tolerate bad behavior.
It’s hard to break that tie, especially when I was made to feel that I had somehow failed as a mother. Well, I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I had, flawed as much as it was. So…..yeah…..
Brightest blessings
Considering that abuse is all about secrets, it makes sense that we don’t keep any. Abuse only works when the victim cooperates by keeping secrets. Secrets are a BIG RED BANNER.
It’s a sabotage that the victim does to themselves.
Oh yes, the abuse is ALL about ‘secret keeping’….
I had been THREATENED over and over again, that
if I went to counseling, I would be in big trouble…..
I did it anyways.
Of course, I don’t and never have lived with PPATH…
He tried to control me and my life long distance, most
of the time. Blow into town yearly to ‘renew’ the bond,
mostly. I can see it all now…ALL OF IT.
Yes, if the victim keeps quiet, cooperates,
then yes, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Huge.
Don’t keep secrets for the wicked.
If you are, you need to think about rearranging your life.
Dupey
Thanks to all for being such great sounding boards. And poor Lilly. Again, I’m reminded of “Mistakes Were Made…” How we have such a capacity to fool ourselves…
Skylar
I am fascinated with the “selective grey
rock.” It sounds like an awesome idea.
Have you used it, and has it worked?
Could you give an example? Also, what is a
backs path?
f You said abuse is all about secrets.
My neighbors have been divorcing. He is a well dressed bmw driving lawyer, she is a pretty stay at home mom. They were newly weds with babies at home, and then she discovered he had been sleeping with girls half his age. She has shown up around town with evidence of physical abuse but never said anything. She filed for divorce.
Yet for some reason he has been still in the house until the divorce is final.
Recently my child saw them outside arguing on the porch. The neighbor man punched his wife in the face and she tumbled down concrete stairs.
My child called 911. Cops came and arrested him, and forced him to leave the home. He was ranting “come on….who gets arrested on a Saturday??”. Jerk.
It is no longer a secret.
Athena, good for your kid! I feel for the wife, because it is always difficult to admit. I read today that it takes 7 attempts before most women will leave an abusive marriage/relationship and stay gone.
It is difficult to admit that we are being abused, and to take steps to stop that abuse. It doesn’t matter if it is our parent, or lover, our friend, or our spouse….abusers don’t stop and we must protect ourselves.
Lioness,
Yes, I’ve used it and it’s amazing. Spaths really can’t figure out what is important unless you tell them.
I first used it by accident, long before I knew what the spath was. And the upshot was that it revealed to me who all his minions were because they also aimed their ammunition at the selective gray rock.
I’ll tell you what happened but first I have to explain something about my spath. He sabotaged literally everything in my life. His motto was if it can go wrong, it WILL go wrong. And I was none the wiser that 1) it was him doing it. or 2) that he was doing it on purpose. How could I imagine such a thing? His goal was to make me feel like a total loser so that I would kill myself.
A couple of times, I missed the friday garbage pick up. It’s not that big a deal but I had to call and have them pick up 2 cans the next week. This happened several more times and I finally got fed up. I was angry that the spath was making no effort to help at all, so I threw a fit. It was a fit worthy of a spath performance. I told the spath that if we can’t even get the garbage to the curb once a week, we couldn’t ever expect to be successful at ANYTHING!
Suddenly, every friday morning certain people would call me and keep me on the phone until the garbage man had been by. They would talk for hours about nothing. But once noon had rolled around (garbage man comes almost exactly at noon or 5 minutes before), they quickly got off the phone. Or I could get them to hang up by saying, “Okay the garbage is on the curb now.”
I thought this was very strange but didn’t imagine that it was a freaking conspiracy!! lol! Still, I kept testing and it kept repeating.
After I figured out that the spath was trying to con me, HE started calling me on fridays. He would leave early and call before noon and chat about nothing. At one point, I started to email my good sister about it and predict what time he would call the next week. It was uncanny.
It was stupid too, because WHO THE HECK CARES ABOUT THE GARBAGE PICKUP? I only threw a fit because I was trying to make a point, not because I was really serious that this was a life or death issue. Yet, the spath made it his mission to sabotage the garbage pickup. hilarious!
It revealed a few of things: 1) the extent that he was going through to sabotage my life. 2) a couple of the women involved in the plot. 3) how spaths think: they really don’t know what’s important unless you point it out to them.
There a many variations to selective gray rock. In general it’s just a way to give them rope and let them do what spaths do best, hang themselves.