By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Back in the days when wars were fought with bows and arrows, swords and slings, soldiers wore armor to protect themselves from the enemy’s weapons. Various kinds of armor were designed to protect the soldiers, while at the same time giving them the ability to move. At each of the places that were left open so that the soldier could move, there was a “chink” in the armor. This was where an enemy’s arrow, spear tip or sword could pierce between the plates on either side. So the term “chink in the armor” came to mean the places where we were vulnerable to attack, even though we were covered everywhere else by protective armor.
As far as I know, there was never any perfectly designed armor that would totally protect a soldier from weapons. Even the tanks and humvees of modern times, along with the “bullet proof vests” worn by our soldiers and policemen, don’t totally protect them from attack by enemies.
Our own armor
Each of us has some boundaries to protect us. Just as armor is for protection of soldiers, the boundaries are for protecting us in dealing with others ”¦ both friends and enemies. Boundaries are the armor that we use to keep others from wounding us. Boundaries prevent others from getting too close, stabbing us emotionally or piercing us to the core financially.
Of course, these boundaries keep people from closer, more intimate contact as well. The more boundaries we have between us and someone else, the less intimate we can be with them, the less trusting. However, we must have some boundaries with all other people ”¦ some limits that we place on how those people treat us, even people we love.
Boundaries in intimate relationships
In most marriages, one boundary is that sexual intimacy is reserved for the two of them only. This boundary is fairly frequently broken, though, with statistics showing that 60% of married men and 40% of married women have, at one time or another, violated that boundary at least once.
What is the consequence of violation of that boundary? Will trust ever be totally restored between those two people if that boundary is violated?
Another (usually) unspoken boundary between people who are in an intimate, loving relationship is that there will be no physical violence between them. Too frequently in our country, we read in the newspapers where this boundary is broken and domestic violence occurs. Should a person who has experienced physical violence from someone they love and are romantically involved with give that person another chance? And another?
Where do we draw the line?
Chinks in our armor
The “chinks in our armor” are those places between our boundaries were others can sink their weapons and wound us to the core. There is no way that any one person can have enough boundaries to protect themselves from any wound, physical or emotional, from everyone they know. If we could have, we would be like the soldier who was so encased in plate steel that he could not move, but was trapped inside a metal statue.
Sometimes though, the chinks in our armor are so large that we are very easily wounded, because our armor (boundaries) are so flimsy or loose that it is easy for a person to get around them and sink an arrow into our hearts. When we don’t set boundaries that protect us, we allow others to treat us with contempt and have no respect for our individuality. No respect for our person-hood. When this happens, people can repeatedly treat us with hostility and get away with it.
Reasonable boundaries
Having “reasonable boundaries” (and deciding what those boundaries are) is important for our healthy development. We must be able to stick by those boundaries when the going gets tough and people try to circumvent them. We must be able to stand up to someone and say, “I will not allow you to treat me that way,” or “If you want to have a relationship with me, then I must be able to trust you.” And mean it. We must be willing to walk away if someone is not willing to treat us with respect.
I’ve heard many (mostly) women say, “Well I took a vow ’til death do us part and I have to stick to it” when their husbands were cheating on them, beating on them, and not supporting their children. I never really understood why these women felt that their vows were important to keep, when their mate’s were out the window. The chinks in their armor were so wide that there literally was no armor, they just stood there while their spouses repeated “stabbed” them over and over.
It’s hard setting boundaries. I know. I’ve stayed when I should have gone. I’ve waffled when I should have stood firm. I’ve given in when I should have kept on fighting. But I’m learning. Day by day, as the occasion arises, I am learning to stand up for myself and to require others to treat me with the same kind of respect that I accord them. I am realizing that many times people will only treat me as well as I insist that they do. For those that won’t treat me well no matter what I do, then I just have to write those people out of my life.
I’ve come to realize that no vow I took, and no DNA donation I’ve received or made, allows others to treat me with contempt or disrespect. I’ve come to realize what my boundaries are, what I will tolerate and what I won’t, and to draw the line in the sand and stick by it. It will probably always be difficult, because I didn’t learn healthy boundary setting as a child. But the more I practice it the better I get, and the easier it is.
So close up some of those chinks in your boundary armor, and you’ll end up with fewer wounds to treat later.
Sunflower, A few observations. Triangulation. You: rescuer. Your sister: victim. Your Father: persecuter. Then, when Father doesn’t respect a boundry You’ve set, you; victim. Him: still persecuter.
Sometimes the only way out of a sticky triangle is to quite playing the game. Opt out of your chosen role. When you do that, though, you will be percieved by the other players as the persecuter. Oh, well. Sometimes we take a lot of shit, because our self-image is too invested in being nice. Being the good-guy is all important. I’d rather be good than be respected. It costs too much, to be on the same ground with a blow hard. Sigh. Not so much any more.
Anyway, google triangulation, and read about the games of transactional analysis. It’s really eye-opening….at least it was for me. And also, pay special attention to your role as rescuer…..I think it might help you with establishing boundries.
Sunflower,
people who know me think I’m very meek. Isn’t that funny? It is to me. I don’t feel meek, but that must be what I present. I do try to be a nice person and polite.
Boy are they shocked when they try to cross my boundaries. I’m the meanest bitch they ever met. They run.
I do change my tone of voice. It becomes the same tone I use on aggressive dogs.
Still, I think that we need to assess the situation before we decide how to deal with it. Who is involved? Are they spaths? What is it you are trying to achieve and what are your options? An aggressive stand is not always the correct maneuver.
With someone like my spath, I could take a stand but if it was an emotional aggressive stand, it just fed him. In the end I told him, “talking to you is like talking to a brick wall. I can’t do this anymore.” But that was after I left him, so it didn’t really matter. With a spath, talking should only be used to apply reverse psychology. They ALWAYS do the opposite of what you want. It’s their intent to block you from getting what you want.
One spath was trying to con me into doing something illegal. His M.O. was to be very aggressive and dominating. He was big and had a big voice. I over powered his voice and set my foot down, he slithered away.
Some spaths, especially females, will be persistent. You have to get in their face and say NO!
For those who aren’t spaths, I would say a simple boundary should be sufficient, but you do have to be clear and not back down from that boundary.
Use your emotions sparingly. They aren’t always required.
I do like your analogy of turning your back on the horse. This is something spaths commonly do to “train” us. They will stop giving us positive reinforcement until we comply. We can do the same thing to them. Give them no emotions until they comply, then feed them a little morsel. You don’t have to explain it to them, they’ll get it.
Truthspeak,
I get it we’re still talking about the shame bound core. I’m really struggling with this subject. Seems like every issue I have is connected to this. I feel very triggered and the book is so hard to read. It takes only one page and my feelings are all over the place. I have so much resistance… and it’s so all encompassing on every single level. Shame is like a virus spreading to every single cell there is.
Kim,
didn’t someone post an doc about that topic a while back? Hmm, so the triangle is about who takes resbonsibility for someone elses life rather than their own?
Skylar:
People also think I’m meek and get very very shocked when they realise that I actually have boundaries and that I’m not willing to get pushed over. I only give in when the power struggle has been going on for a while because I’m very shy of conflicts. I hate to argue and I’m very tired of struggles. My entire life has evolved around fighting and all I want is peace and quiet. If someone try to struggle with me I always just walk away not saying a single word. I can talk about things later when things are calm and thought through. What I see is that people try to provoke me just to get a reaction out of me, but all they really have to do is ask and I will answer truthfully. I do not understand why they always need arguing, crying, yelling, the whole theatrical ordeal.
I do agree how spath feed on agression from us. My drama queen friend said it was all about the attention. I recall how this used to be my ex most enjoyable hobby. “talking to you is like talking to a brick wall. I can’t do this anymore.” – Sounds oh so familiar…
“It’s their intent to block you from getting what you want.”—-Why is that?
Sunflower,
It’s not a straight forward answer, why they block us from what we want.
I guess the simplest way to put it, is that they feel the need to compete and to win. But their concept of winning is to see others lose. Believe me, I have TRIED to explain to spaths that it is possible to have a WIN/WIN situation and they “seem” to get it, then they go right back to measuring who did what for whom and how much.
They see the entire world as a competition and believe that he who dies with the most toys, wins. But if they can’t get more toys, they can win by blocking you from your toys.
…or anything else that makes you happy. I think they believe that there isn’t enough happiness in the world to go around. I suppose that would make sense for someone who can’t feel happiness.
hmm reminds me of what my DQ Friend once said about her bf. ” He’s always very secure I love him, but I’m never secure if he loves me. Why can he be so secure and I not?” My reply: “Well, maybe he’s is just a person who’s grown and secure in him self and you aren’t?” Her: If I can’t feel secure, neither shall him. That I’ll make sure of.” The conversation went something like that. In another conversation later on she said: “He should never feel secure I’m with him that way he’ll give me more of what I want” Kinda say’s it all don’t it? If they can’t have it, neither shall you. If they can have it, it’s all for themselves.
Sunflower, the shame-core is just one facet of how I was easily targeted, and it WAS difficult to read that book and to process what I was recognizing, honest to GAWD. The one thing that helped me to just “address” the issue was having my counselor validate this by telling me that the “shame” infiltrated every interaction that I had with other human beings. Well, let me just say that I got my hackles up a bit about that because I had always envisioned myself as a “pioneer-type” woman who could handle anything that was thrown at her.
Okay….on some level, I AM that pioneer woman because I have survived everything that I’ve experienced. But, when it came to human interactions, I feared ridicule, abandonment, neglect, invalidation, abuse, hunger, cold, and the whole lot. Having typed that, it’s been over 12 months since I began this journey, and I’m just this moment beginning to relax into accepting these issues as factual and managing them.
I never understood what “un-loveable” meant, but I practiced this belief that I was, in fact, un-loveable without even knowing it. I didn’t feel WORTHY of “good things,” which is why I have always expected the worst case scenario, even though I would “hope” for the best case outcome.
Sunflower, dear heart, this is not easy work. It doesn’t “feel good” and it isn’t pleasant. At least, I didn’t find it to be so. It was PAINFUL and I really did NOT like it, one iota. But, one day at a time (somtimes, minute-by-minute) I worked this through to the best of my ability. When I finally realized that I am valuable enough to pick and choose my associations, it then became clearer to me why boundaries are so vital, on every level.
It’s fear-based stuff, Sunflower. Fear of abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect, dismissal, etc., but I can prevent those things by relying upon myself for validation, etc.
Hard work, honey – yes, it is and I wish there were something that I could offer to you that would make it easier. But, if you’ve ever had an abcess or boil, you know how painful an infection can be. A scalpel is a very, VERY sharp surgical instrument that allows a delicate incision without a whole lot of pain involved. Incising an abcess or boil instantly allows putrid, festering infection to drain. It is the FEAR of that cut that prevented me from taking that emotional scalpel and incising that infection to drain it out.
Once I did, I must have spent DAYS weeping and grieving, weeks feeling empty and pathless, and several weeks working this out and balking at the work, from time to time. After a while, the “shame” and fear began to be put into perspective and healing began.
BIG hugs to you, Sunflower. You are worthy of love, self-love, “good” things, and a right to pick and choose whom you will and will not associate with.
Brightest healing blessings to you
You inhabit my space with that look on your face….you’re gone, but not forgotten, though the memory is rotten, putrid crap in a tupper-ware, your under ware is under the weather, together with your shaving-cream, and pulling black hairs from your hero suit, and changing the sheets where you sleep…and fuck, I can tell you, it sucks, Mr. Clean, it sucks. You’re motel maid is checking out. Kick, scream, shout declare your undying love, purple dove and a handful of letters.
Sweaters to keep out the cold, sweaters in my bed, these sheets stink, and they are sopping wet. Forget, You? Ohhh, no, not yet. Not yet. I’m in your debt forever?
Or was it purple rain? A stain, a straign of malignant cells. Your lovers can’t be had. That’s sad, and now I find you here. I cried a tear…in the spirit of Anne Murrey…you sucked me dry. You sucked me drier still, til there was nothing left of me but bruises left on me, and those God-damned finger-prints you left on all my glasses…still earacing the finger-prints on glasses.
Wow. Haven’t written any prose poetry in about ten years. Maybe I’m getting me back.
kim:
That is AWESOME!! Thank you!
Thanks, Louise.