Anyone who is interested in the topic of domestic violence should read Why Do They Kill? by David Adams. The book describes Adams’ detailed interviews of men who were convicted of killing their partners, and women who were victims of attempted murder.
The breakthrough here is that Dr. Adams’ findings are in complete agreement with those of Dr. Dutton. There is now little doubt that terroristic batterers have psychopathic personality traits.
Because David Adams’ findings are so important I want to summarize them here, then so as not to throw too much at you at once, next week I’ll relate these findings to psychopathic personality traits and explain why I would call these individuals “sociopaths”.
First, both Dutton and Adams are clear, violence and emotional abuse occur in the context of one person attempting to control another. So they are similarly motivated”¦ The motivation is control.
According to Adams, violence happens because the perpetrator wishes to punish the victim and others in her life. That reason was given by 95% of victims.
All relationships started with a “honeymoon” where the perpetrator’s true character was not apparent.
All perpetrators who killed or attempted to kill their partners threatened to do so prior to the act. On page 200 of the book, specific threats and the context of these threats are listed for a number of victims. Adams believes that the threats facilitated perpetrators psyching themselves up for the act.
Access to firearms was a leading factor in murder and attempted murder. Adams recommends we address the issue of firearms in the hands of these men.
If you are reading this and have been involved with a sociopath who has threatened to kill you and has access to weapons you are in a very serious situation. Though most people in your situation are not killed or nearly killed, all those killed or nearly killed come with these risk factors.
Next week: How is killing connected to the other aspects of sociopathy?
Hopeforjoy……..FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE……..get rid of the guns!!!!!!!! I’m not attempting or intending to generate more anxiety or tension, Hope, but this is something that I would beg you to be proactive about. Spaths are notorious for hoarding weapons, and mine used to threaten me and our children all the time.
It’s not “heartless” to lock him out, Hope – do you really want this Thing in your home after he’s been put on notice? Imagine what he’ll be telling your daughter when he has the opportunity! Do you truly believe that he is above “doing anything” to her, as well? The spath should never, ever, EVER be underestimated. They will do and say whatever they can to maintain possession of their properties: cars, houses, stocks, dependents…….And, he’ll just have to go out and get a job, won’t he? What did he think he was going to do? Just skate through the rest of his life with a CHILD to raise and support?
As for your child – it may be a good idea to discuss the situation with your child via a psychologist.
Hi Oxy. I read your question as to why more of us were not responding to this article, and had to stop and think. I did read it on Saturday, but you’re right. I didn’t respond. So, why?
For one thing this article brings discomfort. I have been in three very abusive relationships. When I was 21 and seperated from my first husband, he came to my house with a loaded gun. A friend was there with me and called the police. He was arrested…I haven’t thought about that in a very long time, and don’t think I took it as seriously as I should have.
My 2 husband almost strangled me to death…I honestly thought I was going to die…did I leave? No.
Then, Years later, he grabbed a handfull of my hair on the back of my head and pushed it down over the top of a red hot burner, saying he was gonna ruin my face.
At one time we had gone for a hike and whike we were standing at the edge of a cliff, he stepped back, and sort of walked around behind me, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I immeadiatly turned around to see his eyes…
I’m not kidding, it was one of those gut moments….but of course later I told myself, “nahh. couldn’t be”. I still kind of question it.
My last relationship was everybit as abusive with me suffering a broken rib, and a couple black-eyes, but by this time I was abusive too. (not easy to admit that) and my x was sooo out of control, that I readily admit trying to control him. I also admit to being aware of having a desire to punish him.
I don’t think anything I ever did phased him in any way, however. He came and went as he pleased, had huge entitlement issues, stayed drunk 24/7, played and played and played. I WAS SO ANGRY most of the time.
So this article brings up some pretty unpleasant and powerfull feeling for me.
I hate having to admit I was abusive…want to justify it…but isn’t that what abusers do?
The only way I can deal with all that, is to look behind the behavior at what the hell was making me tick.
I must have been terrified of being alone…so afraid of abandonment that I thought staying in these violent and explosive relationships was better than leaving and being on my own.
I haven’t thought a lot about the abuse in the first two for a long time….but am still pondering the dynamics of the last one.
So, Oxy, I guess I didn’t comment on this article because I did’nt want to remember, and didn’t want to look at myself.
Hope you’re doing well. I am baby-stting my two youngest GC every day, now, so am not posting as much. At one and a half, and two and a half, they keep me jumping.
They sure are cute though. 🙂
Oh, Silvermoon……..that’s HORRIBLE. Are you in US or abroad? I know nothing about international laws with regard to bigamy, but a private investigator might not be a bad consideration, at this point. As far as I know (and, I could very well be wrong about this), bigamy is illegal in every State of the US.
I am so sorry about your circumstances, Silvermoon. ABC Good Morning America just ran a story THIS MORNING about a woman who found out that her podiatrist husband was a bigamist with 2 other wives besides her. She gave up her Doctorate to be his supportive wife and stay-at-home-mom. And, she was maniuplated just like every other Survivor on this site!
ABC Good Morning America wants feedback and/or stories about people who have survived unknown bigamist situations. You might want to consider that, as well.
God bless you, Silver – brightest blessings on you.
{{{{{{{{{Kim}}}}}}}}} I resorted to abuse, as well – it seemed to be the only thing that would stop the ex spath in his tracks, even if it was just for 5 minutes. For those scant 5 minutes, I actually felt as if I had some level of control over the situation, myself, and the ex spath.
Yes, these memories are unpleasant, but they are a part of who I am and where I once was.
Brightest blessings on you, Kim, and there are many hands around you to help you along your healing path.
Buttons, I am in the same state you are if I remember correctly.
do you remember which one ran the story, I think I’d have to contact the right person. I looked at the website and I couldn’t find the story you refer to or how to follow up.
Thank-you so much Buttons.
My daughter will be home soon and I have a few chores to do before she gets home, but I will catch up with you later.
Kim,
Hugs.
We are right here. And because of the courage that women like you have to tell these stories, it may be the greatest fortune I have known to learn from listening to your wisdom and experience.
You are the Hierophant here.
I am so DAMN Glad to share this place with you and to know that you are not in THAT place anymore.
Silvermoon, I’m in PA. It may be well worth it to look into hiring a PI. And, the DA sounds like a jackass. I ran into the same type of DA for our County when I reported being stalked by a former business partner.
WTF is WRONG with these people to just feel that it’s appropriate to discourage someone from pressing criminal charges???? The burden of proof is NOT on you, Silvermoon – if the man has committed a crime, the burden of proof is on the State, and that’s where our tax dollars go.
Here is the link to the Good Morning America story, this morning:
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/woman-devastated-discovery-husband-wives/story?id=10602081
Silver, if you contact these people and let them know YOUR story……they have journalists who are well-versed in investigative techniques and can find out ANYthing relating to your situation.
{{{hugs}}}
If they can’t/don’t kill you physically, they will kill your soul.
I believe they ALL fantasize and enjoy the idea of killing, even though only a fraction of them actually follow through on the physical act itself.
My mom’s boyfriend is a great example, I think.
He’s obsessed with all of those criminal shows on TV, like CSI and forensic files….anything that has to do with investigating a murder.
What really troubles me is that the last woman he dated died suddenly.
First, the explanation was that she choked on a piece of meat, and then it was stated that she had a heart condition. Anyway, sketchy details around this guy’s last girlfriend.
So, now that he’s dating my mom, you can understand my concerns.
He and my mom rented a movie the other night, and my mom calls me the next morning, telling me about this movie. She says, “And at the end of this movie, the husband blew his wife’s head off!!”
I asked her, “Why would you watch a movie like that?”
I’ve always questioned this man’s choice of movies to my mother, because they are ALWAYS filled with blood and violence, especially against women.
My mother laughs at me and says I AM THE ONE who is over reacting and reading too many books about “psychology”.
Then, yesterday he’s standing up in the front of church at the alter with his cross around his neck, laying his hands on people, and “praying” for them as they go through a difficult time.
He does this every week, and he’s very active at church.
He has a soft, soothing voice. So he’s great at comforting other members of the congregation with words.
It just does not add up.
This is only one example. There are plenty of other things this guy has done that have been shady, like wanting to get married after a few weeks of dating, and wanting to use my mom’s credit card.
Who knows, maybe I am over-reacting, but my gut says it does not add up.
I go with my gut….the more I watch him, the more I know I’m right.
{{{{{{{ROSA}}}}}}}} Oh, my gosh…….this guy sounds like Jim Jones. You are so wise to go with your gut instincts, girl. All I can do is shake my head – so many women (and, a few men) will tolerate ANYthing to avoid being “lonely.” I would rather be alone in this world than living with spath, ever again. I can talk to the birds, the plants, the animals, and rocks and have a better interaction than I ever had with the ex spath or the spath son.