Anyone who is interested in the topic of domestic violence should read Why Do They Kill? by David Adams. The book describes Adams’ detailed interviews of men who were convicted of killing their partners, and women who were victims of attempted murder.
The breakthrough here is that Dr. Adams’ findings are in complete agreement with those of Dr. Dutton. There is now little doubt that terroristic batterers have psychopathic personality traits.
Because David Adams’ findings are so important I want to summarize them here, then so as not to throw too much at you at once, next week I’ll relate these findings to psychopathic personality traits and explain why I would call these individuals “sociopaths”.
First, both Dutton and Adams are clear, violence and emotional abuse occur in the context of one person attempting to control another. So they are similarly motivated”¦ The motivation is control.
According to Adams, violence happens because the perpetrator wishes to punish the victim and others in her life. That reason was given by 95% of victims.
All relationships started with a “honeymoon” where the perpetrator’s true character was not apparent.
All perpetrators who killed or attempted to kill their partners threatened to do so prior to the act. On page 200 of the book, specific threats and the context of these threats are listed for a number of victims. Adams believes that the threats facilitated perpetrators psyching themselves up for the act.
Access to firearms was a leading factor in murder and attempted murder. Adams recommends we address the issue of firearms in the hands of these men.
If you are reading this and have been involved with a sociopath who has threatened to kill you and has access to weapons you are in a very serious situation. Though most people in your situation are not killed or nearly killed, all those killed or nearly killed come with these risk factors.
Next week: How is killing connected to the other aspects of sociopathy?
And, Rosa, you are spot-the-heck-ON when you mention that they will kill whatever they can with whatever they can use to do it. Holy cow…….
Buttons,
Thanks for the abc tip. I thought you might be further south, sorry.
Well life in the country, its grand most of the time anyway.
Thanks again.
Ox Drover
oooh I hear you when you say:
I do NOT love him unconditionally. I don’t love ANYone 100% unconditionally. I have conditions on my feelings. If people treat me abusively I retract my affections and trust. DUH! Just sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
oh yes and yes and yes!
Dear Rosa!!!! OMG!@.......!!! Sounds really like you are reading this guy correctly, there IS something wrong with this picture.
Especially when you say “wants to use her credit card”–wants to “get married” etc.
It is obvious though that your mom is already hooked! Love-bombed so that she cannot “see”—–see that this guy is a wolf in sheep’s clothing! Ah, how they use religion and “love” to work their wiles!
I wish I could tell you what to say to your mother to get her to see the truth, but the problem is, she at this point does NOT WANT TO SEE THE TRUTH, it would ruin her fantasy, so all you can do I think is to stay close enough to her to be there to picki up the pieces when his mask drops. You’ve got the experience in doing this, and looks like you will have to use the experience you have with your brother to be there beside your mother. I’m so sorry this is coming down on you now! (((hugs)))) and my prayers!
OxDrover:
This man has been in the picture for quite a while now.
So he’s not a new boyfriend.
His mask has already dropped a few times and I’ve pointed it out to her each time.
I get dismissed. She doesn’t want to hear about it.
I’ve also done a good job of pointing out the similarities between her boyfriend and my brother’s wife (her daughter-in-law).
She refuses to see it.
The good news is she’s never going to marry him.
She says that my dad was the love of her life, and she will never marry again. And I believe her.
So, at least I don’t have to worry about a marraige, and him having control over her affairs later in life.
But, she fails to understand that just having this guy around for companionship is toxic and unhealthy.
It’s chilling that 2 people (Mom & me) can look at the same person, and have 2 totally different points of view of him.
My Mom is emotionally invested, and I am NOT.
That’s what is scary about these sociopaths, and it’s how they get away with SO MUCH.
So, she sees her boyfriend’s church involvement as the real him.
I see his church involvement as an attempt at “Image Control” on his part….and he’s laying it on a little too thick, if you ask me.
She buys into it, and I do not.
Bottom line…..his church involvement is NOT consistent with what I believe to be his true personality, or the way he’s living the rest of his life.
Rosa, that’s what happens when we allow them to get us emotionally involved—-we tune out logically. That is what your mom is doing. Just as your brother is doing with his P-wife, and nothing you can do with logic or even EVIDENCE is going to change their invested denial. It is tough when we KNOW and SEE and they are blinded to it. I thought I could convince my egg donor but she denied every bit of evidence until they went to jail….but then she continued to deny P-son was not only IN it, but WAS IT! Oh, well, at least your mom isn’t persecuting you, but I know it must be hard not to open your mouth! ((((hugs))))
I am quite sure my ex’s motive was murder by suicide – he wanted to drive me to the point that I would take my own life so then he would be backed up in saying “See? I told you she was f***ing crazy!” I have no doubts about it at all.
With his lack of conscience, he is definitely capable or murder. All people are to some extend but most of us have the voice of conscience that stops us doing things that are wrong. The spath with no conscience or guilt and no impulse control or empathy is doubly likely to murder and not feel bad about it. I read some of Robert Hare’s interviews with murderers and it made my blood run cold to see their words. Even in murder most of them had the audacity to blame the victim.
I undertook a mosaic risk assessment and was horrified to see that my score was 8 out of 10 for emminent danger. I had no idea when I was with him just how dangerous he is. He is now engaged in character assassination against me so even though I have no contact I still get to be manipulated again. Other people are too dumb to question what he says and stupidly believe his version as gospel truth. I have no wish to look like a mad woman or a scorned and jealous woman so I just have to live with the fact that many people in my city erroneously believe I am a twisted bitch and the abuser of him. After suffering years of abuse from him this is the ultimate betrayal. I cannot be free to be me in this city with so many lies about me flying around the place.
I started to defend myself towards the end. I don’t call it abuse because I was severely provoked by being abused in so many ways for years. I actually told him I thought about murdering him – after that he was very suspicious of any food I made him lol
I think if he had made up his mind to off me then he would have made it look like an accident. Mine was not involved with guns so I doubt that would have been the method. I truly believe he wanted me to do it so he ended up with no blood on his hands.
Oh and Oxy – I haven’t commented on this because I only just read it!
Dear Polly,
I do not doubt your take on the situation at all. I am also known in some circles as “crazy” by those that know only the “angelic” side of my egg donor. Fortunately, no one who knew him would believe a word my sperm donor P said about me. His family told him in no uncertain terms that he would not be allowed to discuss me with them, that they did not want to hear it. At that point he decided not to visit them. LOL They knew the REAL HIM, so weren’t interested in anything he said. LOL
The people that believe egg donor’s twist on things are people who also knew me so I am sorry that none of them ever came to me to talk about it, but I am sure some believe one thing, and others another, but just stay out of the fray, and that’s okay. It used to upset me quite a bit but now I really don’t care so much. The ones I really care about know the truth and the rest of them, SO WHAT?
As long as I know who and what I am, the rest doesn’t matter. I did the best I could in the situation I was in so that’s all a jack ass can do is the best he can!~
Too many times I think we worry WAY too much about what others think of us. I realize a reputation is important but it is NOT THE END ALL AND BE ALL OF LIFE! It is with my egg donor! There is no substance to her, so the IMAGE is ALL important. What the neighbors think is all that matters.
Actually I think now that what I AM is much more important than what shallow people without the facts think of me. I only have to look myself in the mirror and my God in the face on judgment day! So why worry about the rest!!!!!
Thank you, Silver…that’s quite a compliment….I’ve often seen myself as the Heirophant reversed….that is to say, unconventional and a little bit of a maverick…but I love the Heirophants wisdom. Thanks.
OxY?
Who can tell me about when, why and how psyche evals are requested and completed in USBOP????