UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Agatha.” She wonders, does falling for a sociopath mean you’re stupid?
Since I found your website I have been doing a lot of reading, learning, and understanding.
I made my break from my spath about three years ago. I keep reading how a spath knows who and how to catch a person in their web. Seemingly being very intelligent as to getting exactly what they want from us.
In my case, my spath doesn’t seem to be all that intelligent. Does this mean that I was taken in by a man of low intellect, and what does that say about me?
I’m having trouble understanding how a man who seems to have no common sense and lacks vision (he has been trying to sue me, but I seem to be one step ahead, so far) could possess the intelligence to fool me in the beginning.
Getting fooled by a sociopath has nothing to do with intelligence. I’ve heard from thousands of smart, successful people who were taken in by these predators.
So how does it happen? Why can sociopaths get us to act against our own self-interest? Two reasons: Our humanity, and our cultural myths.
Trust makes us vulnerable
The human race survived as a species because of trust, according to Paul J. Zak, author of The Moral Molecule the source of love and prosperity. Back when we were cave men and cave women, trust enabled us to live in groups, which enabled us to protect ourselves, which enabled our species to survive.
We are biologically programmed to trust — literally. A brain chemical called oxytocin, called nature’s “love glue,” makes us feel calm, trusting and content, and eliminates fear and anxiety.
Oxytocin is released into our brains and bloodstream when we experience intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy. Hugs, empathy and even conversation cause our bodies to release oxytocin, increasing our level of trust for whomever we are interacting with.
This is all normal and natural. It’s the human bonding system.
Sociopaths as hijackers
Sociopaths do not bond like the rest of us do. They have excess testosterone, which interferes with oxytocin. And they are missing the “oxytocin receptors” that are necessary for oxytocin to work. These issues help explain why sociopaths have no empathy.
Even though sociopaths do not feel empathy, they know that they can manipulate us by taking advantage of our empathy.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding system. They engage us in conversation, they appear to be affectionate, they offer emotional and physical intimacy.
Sociopaths use our humanity, our built-in predisposition to trust others, against us.
For more on how oxytocin works, read my previous Lovefraud article:
Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths
Cultural myths
The problem with our natural instinct to trust people is that we don’t realize that we need to be very selective about whom we trust. We don’t know that there are people in the world who seem to look and act just like us, but have totally different motivations.
We don’t learn about personality disorders. If we hear about sociopaths and psychopaths at all, it’s through movies and TV shows, in which they are unrealistically portrayed as deranged villains.
In fact, all our lives we hear messages that hide the truth about the human predators among us. Here are the most dangerous cultural myths:
“We are all created equal.”
“There’s good in everyone.”
“We’re all God’s children.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Treat everyone the way you want to be treated.”
“Everyone wants to be loved.”
“We’re all basically the same.”
The problem with these statements is that they contain the words “all” and “everyone.” Yes, they are wonderful principles to live by — as long as you’re dealing with people who are not disordered.
If you are interacting with a sociopath, following these principles can lead to your own heartbreak, devastation and destruction.
Serious disadvantage
In the end, falling for a sociopath doesn’t mean you’re stupid.
It means that you’re a normal person, trusting as we are meant to trust, and believing all the cultural messages encouraging you to trust.
So please don’t be hard on yourself. Until the existence and tactics of sociopaths become common knowledge, normal, empathetic people are at serious risk of being exploited by sociopaths.
Learn more: Maybe you’re not codependent — you’re traumatized
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Nov. 16, 2015.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My journal entry about susceptibility to the sociopath
Hi everyone, This is fascinating about we don’t have to be or consider ourselves stupid to be taken in by a spath. The ploy of a “con artist” is that they are Confidence Men/Women, i.e. they create a sense of confidence in themselves, so people will believe them, believe in them, trust them. I wonder if all con artists are sociopaths. Could be, huh.
We keep hearing about how clever and intelligent sociiopaths are. But Agatha’s original questions were:
“In my case, my spath doesn’t seem to be all that intelligent. Does this mean that I was taken in by a man of low intellect, and what does that say about me?
“I’m having trouble understanding how a man who seems to have no common sense and lacks vision (he has been trying to sue me, but I seem to be one step ahead, so far) could possess the intelligence to fool me in the beginning.”
I don’t see anything in this thread that answers these very important questions.
PS If you have not seen the thriller movie, “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” it’s a must for anyone who wants to see a (fictional) sociopath at work!
I think most of us are initially attracted by the false confidence/superiority most psycho’s demonstrate to the world. Only after a good deal of time do we see the inconsistencies and lies and by then, we’re hooked.
So true, so true, flicka.
Perhaps we are focusing too much on the issue of “intelligence” and not enough on the true flaw in our makeup, dependency. I believe, being so emotionally “needy” led me to suspend my critical faculties. I was not stupid, but, I was suggestable. Being needy emotionally contributes to a passive and dependent orientation in general. We were so hungry for validation that we, inadvertently, allowed the most pathetic types of egotists to influence our judgement. Once our judgement was surrendered, the cognitive disonance generated by the disordered style of the sociopath, made it more likely that we would remain fixated. To the degree we lose our focus and make understanding the reality of the sociopath our primary interest, we lose our identity. Once disconnected from our essence, our insecurity multiplies and our contact with reality is compromised. The no contact rule is anything but arbitrary. We MUST find our anchor of stability not in the sociopath, but in ourselves. This anchor is our moral compass. If we do not have one, fear not, your hard work and sincere efforts will get you one. My best wishes to my friends at LF.com. Kalina
This is perfectly stated, kalina. In my case, I can tell you, it was 100% true. What is truly amazing is that I knew pretty much right away that there was something more going on with this dude than being a smarmy cheat. However, I made excuses for all the reasons you stated above. That part I did not understand until I realized he was a true sociopath and I was caught in the sick and sticky toxicity much like a gigantic, thick web inhabited by one hell of a vicious and poisonous spider.
If there was anything good about this mess of an experience, it’s what you said last re: finding our truth, anchor, stability in ourselves and *no one* else. We came into this earth alone and we shall leave it alone. In between, we need to know ourselves in a strong, passionate way and never allow anyone to invade or damage our identity. When you feel that first flutter, listen to it.
Thanks for an excellent look at this truth.
Kalina, you have described the “old me” perfectly! My situation/s exactly, too. But about the sociopath him/herself, I still have Agatha’s questions. Kalina wrote, “Perhaps we are focusing too much on the issue of ‘intelligence’ and not enough on the true flaw in our makeup, dependency.” But what about the sociopath? Kalina continues: “we, inadvertently, allowed the most pathetic types of egotists to influence our judgement.” Are you saying, too, that these “most pathetic types of egotists” can be of any intelligence level — or any level of cleverness, etc? We all have seemed to believe or accept that sociopaths are brilliant, clever in their deviance, just hugely flawed people. It’s confusing — one of the four sociopaths in my life — the main one, that is! — was an extremely brilliant man, intellectually. The other one was the most creative person I’ve ever known. Very clever. He didn’t have much of a formal education. He did follow in my footsteps and earn a Master’s Degree in Education. He almost got kicked out of the program during his student teaching, when he was physically abusive to an elementary student. That guy told me, “I don’t get mad. I get even!” He destroyed a lot of my stuff, in ways that I didn’t discover till years later. His sister was a sociopath, too. She was a major financial con artist. She could talk circles around ANYBODY for ANY purpose. Both very charming people, great liars, great deceivers, very “social” people, basically a-social.
The key concept, from my experience, is the term “primitive”. This word describes the predatory makeup of sociopaths. They are not really rational in the normal sense,. They are calculating, instinct driven, presocilialized individuals. Sociopaths are “as if” personalities. That is these types behave “as if” they were capable of sincerity, but they, in fact, have no soul. They are incapable of self reflection, the most essential ingredient in raising our consciousness. Sociopaths are extremely quick in their responses and tend easily to blindside others with their profoundly shallow, knee jerk reactions. I use to ask myself, “what just happened.”? So fast, so quick, so glib, we are not prepared to doubt what they are saying. To doubt would give us time to reflect, however, our instincts are blocked by our need for intimacy. In this case, trauma bonding is a form of intimacy for a person, who has never felt valued. I must repeat, no contact is an essential strategy for all victims of sociopathic relationships. As co-dependents, separation precedes individuation. To become who we are, we must learn to reconnect with our deepest selves. We will never find our deepest self by looking into the eyes of a sociopath. Good luck and stay safe! Kalina
Brilliant, Kalina! Excellent insights. I have a question for you, and others here, about the No Contact Rule. Sometimes people are in a milieu in which the sociopath is constantly there, too. For example: at a workplace; at a social club or group of clubs where both of you are active, and there are no other such clubs in our area; at performance venues where both you and the sociopath are season subscribers, and used to go there together; at a mental health day center; one’s church that means so much to them. How would one deal with this situation? Here’s a way I did it, but if there are other ways I’d like to know about them. I was once in a similar situation, where I’d be in the presence of the sociopath daily. I was nearly suicidal after only a brief sexual fling with this guy who lied to me in every way imaginable, who was also sleeping with not only one other woman, but very possibly with several EACH DAY. I found quite a few other women in our milieu who had had the same experience with this predator. Well, anyway, I decided to view him as a microbe on a glass slide under a microscope. I peered at this slide through the imaginary eye piece of the microscope. The idea was to “analyze, figure him out” as to what characteristics he had, which would attract me to such a person. This tactic worked well for me to distance myself from him, even though I had to see him face to face every day. I was seeing a psychiatrist then. He was so concerned about me that he provided two hours of appointment time for me. He told me this: “There are two emotions that are much alike: There’s love, and there’s hate. There’s a third way to look at this: INDIFFERENCE, Synergy, INDIFFERENCE!” I was eventually indifferent to this guy. However, since then, I have been pretty much unable to trust ANYONE. I have lots of loving and lovable friends, and a boyfriend who is a gem in every way imaginable. I trust some of these people more than others. My boyfriend has been proving to me, for four years, how trustworthy he is. I still don’t trust anyone completely.
I forgot this part — the psychiatrist said, ““There are two emotions that are much alike: There’s love, and there’s hate. The two are very closely related.”
I believe sociopaths are simply devious. Lying, cheating, manipulating, exploiting, comes in many different variations on the same theme, “no conscience”. They, sociopaths, have a distorted view of themselves and see others as “objects” not as full three dimensional sentient beings. The hollowness that is the sociopathic soul, enables these characters to switch identities from moment to moment. Your rational self is simply hijacked by the incomprehensible nature of your experience. You are best prepared if you simply say to yourself, “This guy (girl) is just nuts. Then just walk away. Paying too much attention to these flawed individuals leads to vulnerability, suggestabity, and brain washing. This is what toxic means. Toxic is poison in a charming bottle. Don’t drink it, do not bite the bait. Do not obsess about him. Move on. Stay safe! Kalina
I agree with you on all these points, Kalina. Which leads me to introduce a new topic on the nature of a sociopath’s soul. From what I’ve read –here and other places, too — the viewpoint is that sociopaths “just are,” or “just exist.” My question is based on some experiences I have had with sociopaths: “Are sociopaths born or made?” We are told over and over that abusers (maybe sociopaths, too, not sure) will plead they had a horrible childhood. I suspect this is true! One of my husbands was an alcoholic, and probably a sociopath. He had two different personalities — one he presented to “respectable company,” the other to his derelict friends, to me, and eventually tried out on the “respectable” people he had met. The “respectable” people would quickly disappear; the rest of “us” stuck around! He was not an obvious sociopath, not to my view, even now. The other husband — the devious one with the con-artist sister I just posted about today — was almost definitely a sociopath. He’d also been diagnosed and hospitalized with bipolar disorder. Only ONE episode, which the docs said it was lucky he’d been so young, probably would never have another mania attack. He was hospitalized for months — that was a few years before me met. That’s an aside. His home background was crazy-zany. His mother was a Christian Scientist, no smoking, no alcohol, no reality in this world — everything is an illusion. She once described her thinking as “fancy mental footwork.” She almost let her son and daughter die at the same time, from a congenital blood disorder that her husband’s entire lineage had, but which the parents never told the kids about. The father was not a Christian Scientist, and he’d been on a business trip, arriving back as his two kids (ages 15 and 16) were dying on the two couches in the living room! He rushed them to the hospital, where both had immediate surgery and lived fine after that. (That was not the con-sister, by the way.) The Christian Science mother was married to his verbally and physically abusive, alcoholic father. In such an environment, it seems quite reasonable that someone bought up that way to have no conscience; be adept at lying, story telling, and excuses to get past these two opposite but collaborative forms of child abuse; be an expert in “fancy mental footwork” which would apply not only to himself, but to others he wanted to manipulate; and to “not get angry, get even.” Another example: What about children who are manipulated and threatened into becoming child soldiers? In his book “A Long Way Gone,” Ishmael Beah graphically and emotionally writes his memoir of becoming, then overcoming, his experience as a child soldier in his home country of Sierra Leone. Is a child soldier a sociopath? Yes! I definitely believe such a child, a monster child, is a sociopath. Can they recover? Ishmael Beah apparently has, or thinks he has, and many other people believe he has recovered. He was rehabilitated by the UN. I met him briefly at a reading of his book at a bookstore.
In regards, my beloved comrades, to nurture verses nature; I believe sociopathy is a result of both. These personalities become subsequent to a lack of proper prefrontal cortex activity. As they lack empathy and are unable to bond, they procure the tools of a master manipulator to build their lives with. It truly is the perfect storm, one from which there is no shelter. It’s a very sad thing, but that’s all it is. A sad, sad reality that those of us who live in, while sociopaths do not, are forced to face.
EricA, thanks for your comments on nature vs nurture. What is proper prefrontal cortex activity? How is “proper” manifested — or not — in a person’s upbringing? Do you know?
EricA, and all, I researched “prefrontal cortex and child rearing” and found quite a few things. I’ve read only one, so far: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3207006/