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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Sociopaths can fool anyone

Editor’s note: Even former fraud investigators can be fooled by a sociopath. Here’s what a Lovefraud reader says about his experience.

I am a banking attorney, now in the private sector, but formerly conducting criminal bank fraud investigations when I worked for the government. A friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says I am one of the few people he’s ever met who can size up a person accurately within 10 seconds.

However, I am here to tell you from an experience I’ve been going through the last week or so that no matter how intuitive or streetsmart a person is, sociopaths are a breed unto themselves.

I am a gay man and was introduced to my sociopath back in February through my accountant who thought we had a lot in common. The sociopath is an interior designer by trade, but told me about a real estate deal he was trying to put together, to the tune of 40 million plus, to restore one of the legendary estates in the US and reconfigure it into high-end condos. I have to admit I was intrigued by his passion for the project.

We could talk for hours about everything—I tend to be pretty guarded by nature, but I found myself opening up around him. The sexual chemistry was amazing. I also found that he evoked feelings in me that surprised me—I was actually starting to envision a “white picket fence” future with this man and felt incredibly protective of him.

Inconsistencies in the story

Then this past weekend, while he was out, I noticed his wallet on the kitchen table. There were already a few inconsistencies in his story that were nagging at me—and we had only been seriously dating for six weeks. Anyhow, I found a Medicare card, which I found really unusual since he is 41 and I thought you had to be 65 to receive Medicare benefits.

To make a long story short, by the time I finished my investigation I discovered that he had at least 30 unsastisfied judgments against him, going back to 1991, well in excess of $200,000.

He had also told me that his landlord was trying to buy out his lease. No wonder, since the judgment searches revealed that in 2004 the landlord tried to force his way into the apartment and eject him. So, he probably hasn’t paid a penny in rent in years.

When I spoke to the attorneys on the last judgment entered against him in 2005 for $50,000, they told me he not only hadn’t any assets, but he also told them, at the time the lawsuit was filed in 1998, that he was dying of leukemia.

During a rant this weekend, he also mentioned how angry he was at a friend of his who recommended a certain design firm to another friend and how dare she do that when she knew the firm had fired him furing the week his mother had died. I asked a friend who is a designer to get the story for me. It seems he was head of the firm’s designers, but intercepting customer orders as they came in and selling the goods through someone he knew, then stalling the clients. When he was out that week, the firm finally did an inventory check and reviewed customer invoices and figured out what was going on. They didn’t press charges because they didn’t want the bad PR.

Fortunate escape

Of course, I had let myself get sucked into his vision of redoing this grand estate by this time. I thankfully didn’t open up my wallet, or let him move in. But I did ask a few friends who were bankers to take a look at the project. Once I conducted my investigation, I grabbed the phone, told them what I learned and to spike the project.

All the classic signs. Fortunately, I got out financially intact and with my reputation intact.

My friend who is a psychiatrist told me I should be proud of myself in that I figured him out within six weeks— even trained psychiatrists can get conned by these people longer than that. I have to admit I’m still sorting through all my conflicting feelings. While I realize intellectually that what feelings he had for me are probably pure surface, it still hurts. My friend the psychiatrist told me that this guy probably actually liked me on some level, but also realized that with my background I was going to figure out his game ultimately, and then the jig would be up. I guess that’s a nicer way for me to think about it than to simply think that I was a means to an end.

Psychic sociopaths

I’ve come to the conclusion that sociopaths are psychic. Ever since I made my discoveries earlier this week, the last few days he has been bombarding me with phone calls and emails wanting to know if I am okay, etc. and proposing we get together. Mind you, I haven’t brought up any of what I’ve learned with him, since my psychiatrist friend and a police officer friend told me that he could turn violent on me.

Getting these people out of your life definitely poses a challenge. Both suggested that if he doesn’t vanish on his own once he discovers that I’ve outlived my usefulness by not being able to get the banks I sent his business proposal to to come through with the loans, that I tell him that an ex-boyfriend has re-entered the picture and that he is (a) a detective with the NYC Frauds Unit or (b) an FBI agent, the theory being that either will send the sociopath scurrying for the hills.

Anyhow, your webpage serves a real purpose. Keep up the good work. Tell your readers to trust their guts— if something is nagging at them, there’s probably a real reason for it.

I’ve spoken to a few friends this week, and I learned that there’s a real growing trend out there — after a first date, if you like someone and want to see them again, it’s becoming common to run a background check of them through Intellisearch or US Search. I’m now joining that club. If I had known about his chaotic financial history, I would have run for the hills before I ever got involved with him.


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64 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Sociopaths can fool anyone"

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I too am a victim of a psychopath, althought it was not so much on a financial end but a romantic end. Our relationship lasted 7 months until I caught on. Like the person above, I had suspicions and did some investigating, it is a must nowadays. Don’t feel guity about it. I was drawn to going thru his personal papers while he was not at home and found out although he said he was financially secure, he lived off his mother mostly and skirted around paying his bills. And the whole time he was professing his undying love and commitment and wanting to marry me, he was still on dating websites, where we met, the whole time, saying he was looking for a life long mate. Let your feelings be your guide. My family saw into him before I did, of course, but by then I was very much emotionally involved.

Fortunately I did not marry him, but we did live together. That was a huge mistake in itself, although it gave me the opportunity to discover through detective work who he was much quicker. I can see why it takes so long for the medical profession to find out who pyschopaths are because they hide everthing. I have never had this happen before, but it was the most beneficial learning experience ever.

I will too in the future do more research before getting involved again, you cannot go on personality. looks, profession. etc. alone. Pychos are truly pros at what they do.

This website has been a great source for my recovery. Six months ago I was devastated, but thru this site I discovered who and what he was and what happened to me. I will always be grateful.

I am just logging in after 4 or 5 months away. I had to change my screenname from laman because I forgot my password and I couldn’t retrieve it because the old email address I had deleted (due to the psycho).

I notice people go through a stage of using this site, and then drift away as we get on with our lives.

To the banking attorney above, I am also gay. Not that this makes a big difference, except I think that gay men use the “date sites” more than straight guys, and we can become even more isolated than the straight people can. Hence, juicier prey.

I don’t have much to say except I have had “no contact” now for 9 months. I haven’t seen the psycho in person in close to a year. I am much much better (thanks to this site) and a good therapist, and my own initiative to check the person out.

IMPORTANT HINT: When googling a new love interest…Use their FULL name first-middle-last. It wasn’t until I tried using the middle name of my psycho that his prison record came up. Otherwise, I would have had no idea, and that prison record has kept me strong when I have weakened since we parted.

I don’t use the internet much for hookups anymore. I realized I was addicted to the whole ceremony of it beyond just the people I met. 95% of the time it was a WASTE of time. The psycho affair was almost the physical embodiment of all that is wrong with Internet Cruising/Dating.

I think, straight or gay, people use meeting others on the Internet like an addiction. The Internet is a magic machine that can find Prince or Princess Charming. That’s how it’s sold. Maybe it happens sometimes. Most of the time…it absolutely does not, and other times — psychos appear!

I’ve given it up and have acknowledged the date sites for what they are — addictive dangers.

As for the psycho incident of last year…I am WAY OVER IT. I was lucky and no money was stolen. My family was not destroyed. However, I was abused and violated emotionally and still carry the scars.

I agree. Go with your gut. Google with full name!!! Meet people in real time face to face and not on the dangerous and addictive anti-social internet.

No contact! No contact! I don’t even use the psychos name any more when he pops up in my memory. He is the sicko psycho and mentally ill.

I am addressing why I was vulnerable. I am proud of my recapturing my self-esteem. In fact, I have much higher self-esteem now. I made a mistake that any one would have made. I am proud that I pulled out immediately when the truth was plain. It was hard. Lesson learned.

Hey LaMan………….

I still come here and read th blogs, but haven’t posted in quite some time……….. I am still healing.. much better, but still have not been able to let it go in my mind.. but normacy does exist in my life now, and the obssesion with her and what she did has faded, but not totally. It has truly been quite the journey, and along the way, I have made discoveries about myself.. both good and bad………. the bad, I can correct, and the good just keeps getting better. It took me a long time to forgive her, and even longer to forgive myself…. I have never been in any kind of relationship in my life that had more negetive, mind [email protected]#ing, hurtful pain as that one did, and I pray that I never find myself in another one, but i’m pretty sure I learned my lesson as well.. the hard way…. I am so very thankful for this site, because it made sense of the senseless… it explained the unexplainable…. it gave me hope when I felt so hopeless. I too have recaptured my self esteem.. my life spark, and I know that I’m actually a more well rounded man now then two years ago when I fell prey to a woman who later became my worst nightmare. I have learned to love myself again, and have taken the lies that she had me to believe, and thrown them to the wind… I am better then all of that……. Yes.. she nearly destroyed me, and my life became a world of darkness of confusion, hurt and pain and self hate… but like the phoenix, I have risen again.. to be stronger, wiser, and most importantly…. My capacity to give and receive love has grown and matured…. funny how that works…. someone tried to destroy my greatest asset.. my loving, giving heart, and for awhile they almost succeeded, but in return, the final outcome is that my heart, my love, my nurturing soul has grown, not diminished…. Evil lost it’s fight with my heart and soul…. chalk one up for the good guys and gals of the world……

God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,*
for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
Matthew 5:5-10

Hey Southernman,
Good to hear you’re recovering! There are brighter days ahead and many good people to counter the bad. We are stronger now.

It has been awhile since I posted here. Life does go on after the sicko leaves but in my case with alot of work. I met my “SICKO” also on a christian dating site. We lived over a thousand miles away from each other. I see now the dangers of living so far apart when a sociopath is involved. They are VERY good at what they do, And the distance just helps them acheive that better. I was a widow of 41/2 yr when I met mine. I have 4 children 2 with severe dissabilities. He moved here with his son and we got married. It didnt take long at all to see his son was VERY DISTURBED YOUNG MAN. His son was heavily into porn and as my oldest son and boys in the nieghborhood for oral sex. He also molested my son who is autistic. His dad had a VERY violent temper and had that very scary sociopath stare. he was also still on single sites I found out and calling other woman. He gave me a permanent venereal desease and knew all along he had it. He abused me and the kids but especially my son who is autistic. I live in much fear that he will return. When we married I got a prenup because my late husband was a wonderful man (the one who died) and I made a promise to him if I ever remarried this house and money were our childrens. Anyway this man never worked and lived off my kids social security and the pension I get from my deceased husband. I know he was trying to poison me too. loong story but I was having severe pains in my stomach and very tired when he was here and it completely left when I kicked him out. It became clear he molested his son and was well on his way to molesting mine. Then I found all the numbers he was calling and kicked him out. He took every penny we had and all our savings is gone. It has been a loooong jouney to get my life back and my children have suffered severely at this “SICKOS” hands. You can replace money eventually but lives you cant. I have to tell myself as horrible as it was it could be worse and he could have killed us or taken our home etc. God Bless each and every one of you and thanks for listening. Sometimes it just helps to get it out.

Interesting, one of my dear friends recently suggested that my con may have been poisoning me–feeding me some drugs in order to make me less stable.

Also interesting to see posts by gay men and that this phenomena crosses such lines as well. Frankly, the woman who told me what my eX was about is a lesbian who was taken by a lesbian. We think my eX is bisexual with a proclivity towards males only for the purposes of conning and predating and may actually prefer females. After all, her mother revealed she worked the streets in the ‘ritzy’ area of St. Louis and from the pieces of the stories, it appears Maria worked as a prostitute for years, maybe a full decade, until she became too obese to draw clients.

It’s such a shame that these other-than-humans are so talented at reading and manipulating people, but we as a society better get ready–as our culture deteriorates and there is increased cultivation of criminality the percentage of sociopathy is increasing!

From 1988 to 2004 our rate of sociopathy in the United States DOUBLED (Stout, 2004) and I see no end in sight for that trend to diminish. The one saving grace for all of us on this site [And don’t imagine that a sociopath might not be trolling among us!] is that most of us have built up an immunity if not at least a resistance to being fooled again.

I like this story. It is well written and cogent. Moreover, it smacks of SUCCESS. My guess is the author ought to be giving therapy to his psychiatrist rather than seeing and paying anyone for help.

Sociopaths aren’t psychic. They are highly trained and run their game for years. For years they hone their craft, their con. They are journeymen by the time they get to us. These are not apprentices. Maria started at probably 14 years of age. While there may be a biological anomaly present, I still believe that most sociopaths are trained. That is, they are learned not born. Still, the bastards challenge the premises and assumptions upon which I practice psychology.

Achtung! I met Maria on Match.com and it rankles me to hear that lousy Dr. Phil hawking Match.com as a great place to meet someone. I agree with the feedback above–matching making on the Internet suXs! It is dangerous and worse than a waste of time because the format engenders so much deception and weird psychological pathology. It is disappointing but it is the reality.

I find that I meet more people in person and I am very direct in my queries. I value myself more and as far as I can tell with every day I put off pairing off, my stock goes up! And I do much better in person meeting potential dates/friends. Now, I tend to hold them all at arms length where I can take a good look at them. But I also miss many because my timing is so poor–for this culture. I’d just as soon miss one and move on than take a chance. Besides, I am worth the wait.

Early after realizing what Maria was about I began to wish I had her talent for reading people, sizing people up and assessing them. I thought I could use such abilities to be an UberPsychologist and help a lot of people, but then I realized the price she pays for such talents.

She can never bond with another except in the role of a predator. She’ll never love another for anything other than his or her assets and what they give her. She’ll never know the joy or the sadness of having loved another and lost. Frankly, I wouldn’t give anything to be like her. And I am an accomplished psychologist having mastered my field when most are still doing harm! Moreover, I have helped a lot of people.

Sir, your letter smacks of mental health and you probably don’t need psychiatric treatment. You’re healthy and you are one of the amazing few who have beat a sociopath!

the problem I see with these people is they are good at hiding the truth. My ex hid her background and what she was doing to me for a while but eventually they all slip up but many times when they do and you catch them the damage is already done.
The original poster was lucky in that he found out ahead of time. I was already married to my sociopath so it was a little more difficult to get out of the relationship. I wish there was a website like the sex offenders list but a sociopath list where one could look up case files, history, arrest, background info, pictures, cons, etcetc on these people, any aliases used, and so on. I dont know if this is possible but it would allow people to access the database to make these people known so others might not fall prey to them.

Why not this website? I fear liabilty would be an issue.

i agree liability would be an issue and this website has donea good job but it doesnt list enough information on the bad guys and girls for my personal taste. I think they should be outted just like the sex offenders. That way it would be easier for law enforcement to know about them as well as the public.

My ex wife has stolen and been caught and served time from three different employers and yet she still gets jobs as a manager at many locations. I guess they don’t do good background checks on their employees because she keeps getting hired. And then continue to robs the next one down the line. The problem is yes she does a little time well no punishment for her in her eyes when in jail she doesnt have to pay rent and she doesnt have to buy food or pay medical bills. So shes saving all the money she stole while sitting in jail then once free she has all this money sitting there in the bank to do with as she sees fit.
Crime does pay.

I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us. Unfortunetly for me…I have run accross a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself who is this person really? do they have a secret life like the scott petersons and ted bundys of this world? I dont let my children out of my site and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just cant trust anyone.

Sounds like your defense mechanism is now in overdrive! I read somewhere (probably here) that because of our experiences, we have learned what love is by discovering what IT IS NOT. By comparison, the people who are genuine in my life have become obvious. Their empathetic feelings and their treatment of me contrast sharply with the psycho’s behavior. Most people ARE NOT psychos. You have to remember that. Truth is we all have secret lives — that is normal — it’s just to WHAT DEGREE. There really are good people out there.

I agree though, I am now much more aware of red flags when they appear.

I agree with you laman……… before my encounter with a sociopath, I never really thought about “red” flags, other then the obvious ones, and usually those would happen near the begining of a relationship, in the dating stage…. I am much more aware of them now, but the problem with sociopaths, is that they wait……… wait till they have hooked you in the relationship…. since they have mirrored us and our desires, and they seem so perfect for us, when the facade starts to show some cracks, it’s too late… we have already given our heart, and have invested in the relationship…and they know this…. We begin to think maybe it was something we did, or maybe it was a misunderstanding…… at any rate, we want to forget that first hurt, and get back to the wonderful perfect relationship that is so dear to us, but now we all know the truth of what that kind of relationship reaps……Now… with our knowledge of what healthy relationships should be, we won’t be so easliy fooled and will not love with the same innocence that we have in the past.. .. in some ways, that is a great thing, because now we have boundaries, and when someone crosses that boundary, there are two reasons why….. they either are testing us, or they have no respect for us.. either way, it should be a one way ticket to outsville for them. I will say this…. in the year and a half since that relationship ended, my life has it’s share of dark emotions.. despair, confusion, self-hate, lonliness…. but something amazing has happened along the way….. I learned about me… why I have been attracted to emotionally unavailable women…. I also regained my life spark…. I know I am a loving child of God, and I have made many real friends since that relationship….. I also know that I will love again.. in a better way, in a way that is healthy for me and for my partner…. I will not settle for less then I deserve.. never again.. no matter how attractive, or suave, and charming she is….. and the boundaries that I have set in my mind about relationships, will never be bended….. I will not make exceptions, and when someone does not treat me in a right way, they are forgotten…… To get what we want in a relationship, we must be able to stick to those kind of boundaries… it will weed out the wanna-be’s and the pretenders….. Another thing… relationships take time to grow.. never again will I be duped into rushing into love, and if someone tries to pushe it, then they are not respecting me…. Laman, you are right about the obvious people who are genuine, and how their behaviour contrasts sharply with those with personality disorders…… In retrospect, I would never wish going through the relationship and the aftermath of life with a sociopath on my worst enemy… but, in a lot of ways, this horrible experience has taught me so many lessons, and made me a stronger person….. It has also given me eyes that really see, and ears that really hear….. In dealing with her, and the aftermath of hurt and confusion, I have rebuilt myself…. I became a Christian, and I look toward the future…. I know it will be so much better then my past…. I’m wiser, stronger and I love myself and my friends and family to be less, to settle for less then what I’m capable of……. I will leave you with this…………

Don’t spend major time with minor people. If there are people in your
life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your
dreams, too judgmental, have different values and don’t have your back
during difficult times…that is not a friend.

To have a friend, be a friend. Sometimes in life as you grow, your
friends will either grow or go. Surround yourself with people who
reflect values, goals interests and lifestyle.

When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom
all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.

Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the
better. At first you think you’re going to be alone, but after a while
new people show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter
and easier to endure.

Remember what your elders used to say, “Birds of a feather flock
together. If you’re an eagle, don’t hang around chickens: Chickens
Can’t Fly!

I love the Lord and thank Him for all that he does in my life,
therefore, I’m passing this on. Yes I do love Jesus. He is my source
of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing.

Without Him, I am nothing but with Him I can do all things. Phil 4:13

If you love Jesus, share this message with other people !!!!!!

Be Positive – Be Progressive – Take the time to make a positive
difference in someone’s life.

Walk by faith, Not by sight
Receive God’s blessings
Heal the past; live the present; dream the future.

We have heard that “psychic” comment about many of the predators on our site.

That may very well be true but we also know sociopaths are the most acute PROFILERS of people you will ever meet. They use NLP and Seduction Lures to trap and control.

Yes, it sure seems like they are psychic.

Fighter once again you are so right. My ex used many, many types of word salad and NLP like tactics as well as some brainwashing techniques and indeed I found newsletters on that subject he had subscribed to much later on. They SEEM like they are psychic and in fact my N kept insisting he was and doing little things to “prove” it to me. In the end I knew better but, I just let it slide. He seemed so silly to me then “predicting” things or saying he “knew” things that were total bull you know what.

However, I must say these tactics sure did a number on my mental health over time.

As for the banking attorney who was fooled by one of these people. You are not alone. One of the people MY N fooled completely was an investment banker who works in NYC on Park Avenue and is no dummy at all in any way. My N had no education and seems utterly harmless in a rather silly way and kind of pitiful. THAT is his act and he sure as hell has fooled many a person with it. In fact he’s doing it now. He has garnered himself a job in a helping profession with NO CREDENTIALS and everyone around him thinks he is a shining example of how someone can overcome terrible adversity to be a better person.

Lord have mercy. I once thought him capable of such “growth” too and so did the ex before me. These people are practiced and professional cons. They can fool anyone.

One thing that gets me on these sociopaths is that they always seem like they are one step ahead of you. I am not a stupid person but I’ll be darned that even after you break up with them (especially if you have kids together), they are trying to conjure up some sort of trouble and it feels like they are in your house or invading your privacy somehow (yes, I agree that they ARE psychic!) . I would say that one red flag was that in the beginning that they would turn up unexpectedly or call repeatedly. I ignored all the hang up calls at my workplace but could probably bet that it was them. Or, sometimes I would see them drive by my house late at night or catch them parked at the end of my street…everything they seem to do sends eerie chills down your spine. I am so happy I got rid of them!

is grateful70xl still around????

This is another great article that somehow I missed last summer! Glad Akitameg brought it back up! It is so true, too! It is almost like they are reading your mind—in my case I guess I actually told them what I was thinking and they didn’t have to “read” it as I read it to them, and they turned it against me.

It is nice to know though, that smarter people than I am have been fooled too! I guess that sounds “tacky” to feel that way, but at least I know I’m in “good company.”

OxD

Dr Hare warns of this! That anyone at any level of inlightenment! can be coned! From hobo to President !

I acctually look back and think how fortunate I was only 6 years and everything I had or saved ! I still have my life!

LOVE jere

PS Ownership of my P/S is up for sale Pay-PAL acct# 666 evil 999 ! :)~ bidding starts at .000000000000000001 cent

SEE here it is all over again ! We underestimate this MIMIC !

(we) say there can’t be a Suscessfull Psyco/Socio because we are looking at it from our own perspective !

Now They adapt readily and Mirrior reality! OK DUH Brain Fart ! All one has to do is remove the interpersonal relationships ! S/HE just does’nt get involved personally w/anyone ! fly by night ,one night stands , Pay for Pleasure to satisfy SEXUAL Dominance ,Control , POWER issues of course there is that need they have for immediadtly gratification to relieve BORDOUB ! :)~ no Patience ! The n S/HE has the Corprate EXC Job where all they do Is look Pretty and hob nob and devise new and improved ways to decieve everyone of everything includeing Sanity and Selfworth ! The american way! LOVE jere

I will never know the extent to which I was lied to, how many other women he was playing, or if he had a prison record. I will never know these things because I was one of the lucky ones, too. I got out early, after 2-1/2 months. Like the original poster, I felt this magical connection and saw white picket fences, too. My ex worked very hard to plant these images in my mind, telling me he wanted to take care of me and buy me everything I needed. When I left him, it wasn’t because I found out about the lying and fraud. It was because he pulled a stunt on me for the second time that was unacceptable. He did not show up for a date we’d planned, didn’t call, didn’t return my calls, and (here is the crowning glory) I saw him posting on our mutual website as if he hadn’t a care in the world. That was the last straw for me. The first time he pulled this, he told me afterward that he was having minor brain surgery. I believed him because it fit with the rest of the story he’d given me.

It wasn’t until after I broke contact that I learned of all of his fraudulent activities and lies. Not only did he not file divorce papers (as he said he did) but he and his wife were trying to defraud the army out of a phony medical discharge. He was faking symptoms of a head injury he claimed to receive in Iraq. I was his army commanders themselves who told me this. It was the testimony of me and my friends who met the S that hopefully foiled his scheme. I did not stay in touch with the army, and I don’t know whatever happened. When he found out I turned him in, he disappeared from our mutual website. That was in the middle of September. I have not seen or heard from him since.

I actually don’t think about him much these days. I broke up with him in the beginning of July and turned him in to the army in September. I am still incredulous that these types of people exist. But they all seem to have the same M.O., seducing us on our dreams. In my case, my parents didn’t love me and had never really taken care of me. He must have sensed that bacause he acted like the man who would finally take care of me and give me everything I have ever dreamed of. Unlike other P’s, he did not try to steal my money, of which I have none anyway. He seemed to really genuinely be falling in love with me. God only knows how many other women he was playing simultaneously.

I have dealt with many abusive people in my life. But I have never seen anything like this. He was never abusive and never raised his voice. Never devalued me. Just a total pathological liar. Wow is all I can say.

I can honestly say I am over him, although if I ever had contact with him again, it may stir up some feelings. I am left now to deal with the pain of parental neglect in my adult life. The scars run so deep, and sometimes I don’t know if I’ll love myself enough to survive. But with all this going on, I certainly don’t need psychopaths in the mix.

Peace out,
StarG

I pay tribute to you Stargazer, that you acted on your red line and got out at an early stage. My exN pulled lots of stunts on me, like you describe, but I kept giving him space and understanding – what in essence, I now understand, is that I was giving him the space to abuse me. I too had that early experience of not being loved and of course, they fill these vulnerable gaps. As soon as we wise up and are aware of these vulnerabilities, we can protect ourselves from this kind of heart and soul manipulation. Nice to hear from you Stargazer.

Stargazer, I found that too, When we finished, it dredged up alot of pain for me, and then I realised it had struck a cord in my childhood – a chance to do some serious healing. I think the path, certainly for me, is learning to love and take care of ourselves and accept ourselves, irrespective of what ANYONE else thinks, including those who try to do us down. I believe when I get to that point, I have reached the summit.

Beverly,
Thank you for your response and for taking the time to read my entire post. I am sitting here crying after waking up from a bad nightmare about my childhood. I can’t believe that after all this time (I’m 48), I am still so broken from the neglect. I have come down with a cold, which is my body’s way of forcing me to deal with emotional trauma. I continue to come to a point in my life where I feel like I’m running on a treadmill, trying to hold my life together. Many people regard me as such a together person. But deep down I never really loved myself. I have always unconsciously yearned for someone to step in and take over the job that my parents were unable to do. I know that no one can do that but me, but I have never stopped wanting it. It is my own personal narcissism, in trying to make all of my boyfriends into my caregivers, which was not their job.

I know this lack of self love is why I barely hang on financially and am always broke, just getting by in jobs that don’t utilize my intelligence or education. And yet, I don’t know how to change it. I have watched movies like Goodwill Hunting and envied the main character for finding a good therapist. I never have found, nor could I afford, such a therapist. I have lived an independent life for many years. I am a homeowner and my car is paid for. By some people’s standards, I have an ideal life. But I feel like I’m barely surviving. I got tired of being on the treadmill. So my body quietly–and without my permission I might add–created a healing crisis for me this weekend. I have a cold. I’m very exhausted and highly emotional, and will probably just be writing and sleeping a lot this weekend. I am realizing how lonely and needy I am. I am usually the caretaker of others. As a massage therapist, it is my job to be part of others’ healing. I know it is my place in life to be a healer. But the pain I have to go through to get there is just excruciating.

I’m sitting here sobbing. I haven’t cried this much since I don’t remember. This site is my therapist right now, silly as that sounds.

Dearest Stargazer, I am bowled over and in awe of your honesty. I have been where you are now, in that deep well of pain. When it comes up, just stay with it, cry and let all that pain come up, that is part of the transformational part of the healing process you are going through. I so understand what you say. I too have been the underdog, struggled all my life, been devalued and have allowed myself to be devalued, because I didnt recognise when it was being done to me. Just keep writing here, Stargazer, I will log on over this weekend, if you want to talk and just spit it all out. I have always been the caretaker of others, since childhood, but as I get older, and my strength diminishes, I yearn for someone to take care of me too – I understand that. You can only be the best healer, when you have gone through the pain that others go through. I am standing right with you in support and love Stargazer.

Well StarG: I’ll give you my Dad’s strategy. Take several pieces of paper, pad of paper if you prefer … and draw a line down the middle.

Right side of paper is the positive qualities of your life.

Left side of paper is the negative situations in your life.

The reason you put both columns on the same paper is so you can review your thoughts …

Of course you are going to change and update what you write on both sides of the paper.

What you are doing is actually visualizing your positive and negative qualities in your life.

You now took these thoughts from the back burner (your subconscious) and brought these thoughts into the front burner (conscious).

This list will be a work in progress, so don’t think you have to create it in one sitting.

Work on the list (both sides) for as long as you are into it.

Go about your normal routine … and when you feel like it … work on the list again.

It will build and build and build as time goes on.

You will also see the great qualities about yourself that you forgot about … which will give you that hug you so longed for (hug from me too sweety).

You’ll also see those negative situations you don’t like about in your life.

Don’t worry about it … that’s good to see too. You are conscious of it now … it’s not lying dormant in your subconscious.

Take another color pen/pencil and write in positive qualities that you like in other people.

That consciously reminds you that these qualities you want to incorporate into your life.

Remember to keep living your life … what you want to do or always did …. you don’t have to constantly work on the list … only when you feel good about working on it … there is no time frame on this.

Same with the negative side of the list … review those qualities you don’t like being in your life … and get rid of them. You don’t like them, there is nothing written in stone floating around the universe that tells you that you have to keep them in your life.

Are you picturing what this will do for you?

Let me know if this helps you.

Peace and big hugs to you.

Thanks, this is so helpful. I will make that list, probably after I finish the chores I didn’t do last night. I don’t know where you guys live, but it’s 5:00 am here. I’ve been up since 2:00 am. You must be night owls or very very early risers.

After this good cry, I feel some relief but not anywhere close to the end of it. I feel so raw and vulnerable.

Beverly, I wonder how many of the people here have also gone through the same thing. I remember when I used to think everyone suffered the way I do. I got a rude awakening about it in my 20’s. I was sitting in a 10-day meditation retreat. It was my first one. One the third day, I could hardly sit any more because my butt was hurting so badly. I kept shifting around on the cushion but the pain didn’t go away. There were 100 other people in the meditation hall quiet as can be. They were all sitting so peacefully. I couldn’t understand how they could all be so peaceful. At the front of the room, my teacher sat, quietly, occasionally interjecting words of encouragement for us to continue sitting, even when it got difficult. I think he must have been speaking directly to me. He said “sit regardless of body or life”. So I just decided to sit with the pain and not move. After doing this for another 1/2 hour or so, the pain got sharper and felt like a burning sensation. I wanted to run out of the room but I just sat there without moving. All of a sudden the pain became a memory I had of a very bad beating by my stepfather. I felt it pass through me like a bolt of lightning. I started screaming in the meditation hall “you son of a bitch!” to my stepfather as the rage came up to my throat. The pain then went out through my feet like a bolt of electricity and I was just crying. I remember the teacher sitting next to me and telling me to breath.

After that, I cried for 3 days. Every person in the meditation hall reminded me of my mother turning her back on me. I cried so much that these other meditators, whom I’ve never met, would bring me boxes of kleenex before ever session. Finally, after 3 days I felt peaceful. The remainder of the retreat was very peaceful and I felt very present. I remember walking and feeling my feet on the ground for the first time. I ate a piece of watermelon and teared up because it tasted so good. I was sad to leave, and I almost ordained as a Buddhist nun at that time because I was so enamored by what had happened to me. Had I not had obligations at the time, my life may have taken a different turn.

I had an exit interview with my teacher. I asked him if everyone else in the hall had gone through the same thing. He said, “only a few. But none had the courage to do it here.” That was the first time I realized that my experience of being abused was out of the norm.

Well StarG, that’s called “purging”.

It worked, you purged that horrible memory out of your system.

I’d say you got your money’s worth.

Another thing StarG, try not to be so self conscious … everyone was concerned about you in that session, they just didn’t stop to attend to you because they were there for specific reasons too.

Peace and hugs … and it’s 7:24 a.m. here … I’m on the East Coast.

Oh, and StarG: As you rid yourself of the negative situations in your life … keep them on the list … just cross them out as you purge those out of your life.

Always keep the list with the original input and corrections as you go … this way, you will see the entire picture of your life staring at you.

Remember, it’s always a work in progress … the list and your life.

Peace.

One more thing StarG to remind you of … life is not all about the destination you wish to obtain … it’s the journey while getting there that you should REMEMBER to enjoy.

Peace and hugs, hugs and peace.

Correction: Those people in the meditation hall were not ignoring me. They were just triggering the memories as I was regressing. They were actually very loving and supportive. They knew what I was doing and they gave me the space to do it. That was exactly what I needed. I have done many retreats since then and have seen a few people cry in the hall. I can say from experience that when that happens, even though it’s not appropriate to get up and go hug the person, you definitely feel their pain while you’re sitting there. Meditation makes you so open and sensitive to others.

StarG, we never know when something will overtake us with emotions … that too is what life is all about.

At least it worked and those memories no longer plague you or are stored in your memory banks as they once were, you get to look at them with a new perspective … it allowed them to come to the surface so you could purge and renew yourself.

Peace.

Wini,
I feel that the pain I am dealing with is at the core of the borderline personality disorder, which I was once diagnosed with many years ago. Granted I don’t think of myself as a BPD these days, but the abandonment pain seems unlike the regular ups and downs and emotional upheavals people go through in their lives. I cannot talk to many people about it. But I just go through it. This particular round of it is so painful I actually had to knock myself out with a virus to deal with it. I will get through it. I cannot thank you and Beverly enough for your words of encouragement. I do realize it is not the whole picture. If you knew me, I’m actually a very lighthearted person. I’m usually laughing and goofing around. I know I’m a strong person because all I’ve been through. But I’ve dealt with so much of it in isolation, which makes me feel like a weirdo. I’m trying to change that and to share my pain with others, even if they don’t understand.

StarG, I hear you … and the best book to read for children who had parents that were out of control as you grew up is “People of the Lie” … an absolute must read.

As far as feeling like a weirdo … we can all relate to that … it’s “them” and their horrific antics that they destroy our selves in their wake … we look around at first knowing this is so surreal and that no one else is experiencing what we are experiencing.

I remember when September 11th happened. I was home that week scheduled for depositions for my suit. Of course the depositions were canceled, but I took that week off anyway. I remember thinking about the horror that was unfolding on our TV sets… and I said to myself “now the rest of the world knows the horror that I am going through”. It was that suspended animation that the world just stopped and everyone was in the same disbelief as I was … for obvious reasons … but, I didn’t feel alone for that brief minute … because, I too, felt like I was in a horrific plane crash, that a I was the only survivor … and there was no one I could talk with that could relate, they just didn’t have something like this happen to them … so you move on looking around and everything isn’t the same … as time goes by, you met others that they too, experienced something just as horrific, just as surreal … and are trying to heal… then more time goes by and you met another, and another, and another …

We are all in this together, remember that.

Peace.

I think my friend may be involved with one of these dangerous con men. I wanted to post this to see if it might ring a bell with anyone. Based on the details below, has anyone had contact with this man? He currently lives in MA.

My friend is a 34 year old woman who really wants to settle down, get married, and have a baby. She met this guy at the gym about 8 months ago. She was completely infatuated with him. Sounded like he was telling her all kinds of things about how into her he was, right from the beginning. I hung out with them about two months into their relationship, and they were already talking about babies and school systems and buying a house. Total red flag as far as I was concerned. I also just didn’t really like the guy… He seemed very guarded and didn’t show a sense of humor or a desire to get to know her friends.

I barely ever see her anymore, but when I do she seems really unhappy, although she claims to be in love. Here’s what she told me: He’s a former Green Beret who now works as a programmer and makes “a lot of money.” However, he’s still married, to his second wife, from whom he has been “separated for three plus years,” but hasn’t obtained a divorce. He has all the excuses for why he’s not divorced. Apparently his wife is an evil psycho who is unemployed, yet spends all his money on “jewelry and furniture,” and lives this high class lifestyle in an affluent town. The guy apparently continues to let her take and spend all of his money, due to the fact that they have a 10-year-old daughter together. He doesn’t want to anger the wife, for the sake of the daughter. He also drives up to see his daughter “at least twice a week.”

Meanwhile, he has moved in with my friend, into her tiny studio condo, and does not pay her any rent. It’s all, “poor me, my wife spends all my money and I can’t do anything about it. I want to get divorced but I can’t afford to and I don’t want to do anything to make my ex angry, blah blah blah.”

Sounds like he has it made, doesn’t it? He gets to live with a woman rent-free (and my guess is she gives him money too), and also have time free when he’s supposedly visiting his daughter, to do whatever he wants! Plus he is supposed to have emotional problems from having been a green beret, which probably gives him a free pass from having to talk about stuff.

I don’t believe any of this. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is no wife, no daughter, and no high-paying job.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Thanks!

Connie,
There are red flags all over the place here. He was talking about marriage right away–red flag number 1. Her friends don’t like him–red flag #2. He’s married (allegedly)–red flag #3. Why isn’t he getting out of his marriage? Have you tried googling his name (first, middle, and last) to see what comes up? Also, if he’s married, there should be public records.

Sorry, Cookie, I called you Connie.

Thanks Stargazer, that’s what I thought too… Why is claiming to be married a red flag? Is this common?

Wini,
I read People of the Lie a long time ago, but I’m thinking I should read it again. I didn’t have the same reaction you did to 9/11. It actually made me feel more isolated. I just felt how alone I was, and couldn’t relate to all the people calling their loved ones. It was the worst because I didn’t even feel like part of the human race. I was not having the same reactions others were having. At a time when people were feeling so connected and empathic toward total strangers, I was just feeling how alone I was.

No, Cookie, the fact that he IS married and dating someone else (to me) is a red flag. If he’s lying about his marriage, that’s another red flags. Oh my, you could start a flag company here!

Stargazer, I agree! I myself am divorced, and I find it pretty much impossible to believe that someone can be in this situation:

1) Separated for 4 years, but can’t tell their wife that he’s dating
2) Continues to let the wife have total control of the finances and “spend all his money on jewelry and furniture,” to the point where he himself cannot afford a place to live
3) Is not pusuing a divorce
4) Claims he can’t do so, has a million excuses including “we have to fix up the bathrooms before we can sell the house”

I have a strong feeling this guy is a scam artist, but don’t know what to do about it

The sociopath I dated was also married claiming to be separated. I had never dated a married man, but he was so convincing that the marriage was over and the divorce papers were soon to be filed as soon as some legal army stuff was settled. He eventually told me the divorced papers had been filed. I was ecstatic. I all turned out to be lies. He lives with his wife and there is no divorce. Who knows how many other women he was playing at the same time as me.

Cookie,
Obviously, if you can google his name and get some evidence, this would be the best. But don’t be surprised if your friend doesn’t get defensive at your attempts to warn her. Sociopaths can be very seductive and she could be under his spell. If this is the case, you can be a supportive friend for as long as it doesn’t bring you down too. It has to be her choice to leave, though. Hopefully, if he’s really a bad person, she’ll come around eventually.

You know what sucks? I don’t even know his last name! That’s how out of touch we’ve become. I never thought to ask and she never mentioned it. Now I can’t think of a good reason for asking 🙁

I’ve tried to google words and phrases related to him, to see if anything comes up, but nothing so far.

Is there anything I can or should say to my friend? I do see her occasionally, and I’m shocked at how different she is. She seems so unhappy and bitter, and she doesn’t care about her appearance like she used to. It’s sad.

There’s really a fine line between offering support and sharing concerns/opinions and interfering in a friend’s choices. She has chosen to live with a married man and conceivably she knows what he his doing with his wife, etc. If you have an uneasy feeling, I would definitely tell her. But with the current information, it’s hard to know what his motives are. One way you could try and get his last name is to mention to her that he looks ethnic (Scandinavian, Slavic, etc.), and say “what is his name again?”). Might work. Good luck.

Dear Cookie,

Unfortunately, I hate to say it, but I agree with Stargazer, the friend has made her “choice” and many times by the time even they realize “something is rotten in Denmark” they are so hooked they make excuses for it.

I think you are RIGHT ON and that he is a SCAM ARTIST and I am glad that YOU at least see through the FOREST OF RED FLAGS. Your friend has chosen though to over look these red flags. In the past, most of US have chosen to overlook red flags because we were in DENIAL about them, we didn’t want to see them.

Googling their names in general won’t turn up much, but you can get a private investigator to check his back ground on their private commercial search engines and get a criminal record etc. I did that and it only cost me $225 for a really good background check, but you have to know date of birth, social security number if possible, name, and former place of residence if possible. I got a good record on the guy, including most of his life in prison for 3 (three) sexual assaults on children under 14, and robbery etc. but the person I got it for WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME, called me a liar and said I made it all up on the computer….It proved right and the guy went to jail later (again) but still, you can’t always “win” even with good information.

Plus, he might not be using his correct name even (Look at that guy who called himself a Rockefeller for 14 yrs)

I suggest that you just be there for your friend if and when she does “get it” about him. There’s no guarentee that she will, but if she does she will need you very much. Your friend is not stupid, she is just a victim, and believe me, these folks are GOOD at what they do, conning vulnerable people. People a whole lot smarter than the “average person” are conned every day. It is no shame to be conned, it usually just means you are a good, caring and loving person. I’m glad she has you for a friend. ((((hugs)))))

Cookie77: I would scream to the heavens to your friend your concerns about who she is with. I would not give up even if she ends your friendship. Be the biggest pest to her … tell her what you know, what you feel … shake her/wake her … don’t give up!

Keep screaming until she here’s you… because it depends, some people just might hear you and look for RED flags themselves … just plant that seed of DANGER in her psyche.

Peace.

Cookie77: Here’s another red flag. He’s cut her off from her friend. My ex did the same thing. He cut me off from friends and family. But she may not listen to you. I didn’t listen to my friend. He basically told me to choose between my friend and him. I thought I was in love and so I cut off contact with my friend. I wish I hadn’t done that. Can you send her a text message? Just a short note telling her you are worried about her and want her to call you just to make sure she’s ok? That may open the door for you to talk to her. I would try.

Thank you all for your advice!

Update – I figured out his last name online by using information I knew about him, entering things into google. Then, using his last name, I spent a couple hours searching different things. I also went back to the early emails my friend sent me when she first met this guy, and compared info. Well, a lot of things don’t add up, as you may imagine!

–He told her he went to UCLA and played on the baseball team. It appears he went to a non-prestigious college around here and never lived in California.
–He told her he was a Green Beret. I could verify that by sending in a form as detailed on this site, but for now it looks like he was in the Air Force. That’s military, but it’s a far cry from Green Beret.
–He is supposed to have been separated for over 4 years, but he bought a big house with his wife 3 1/2 years ago. Seems odd.
–My friend is always going on about how this guy makes “a lot of money,” but I’m looking at his title on LinkedIn and we have people at my company who do the same thing, and I am pretty sure he doesn’t make any fabulous salary, just a comfortable amount. And if you’re supporting a stay-at-home wife and 3 kids (1 his, 2 hers from a deadbeat dad) and paying a large mortgage, no one’s living a fabulous lifestyle. (My friend is really bitter about the fact that the guy makes so much money but his psycho wife spends it all on jewelry and furniture.)
It also does not look like he has lived on his own since “moving out” from his house with his wife. There’s no address listed in NH, where my friend originally told me he lived. If he had a mailing address since the one he shared with his wife, it should have shown up. All of my mailing addresses since I moved out of my parents’ house were on this site.
Here’s the worst part though, and maybe I shouldn’t have done this, but I did… I called the house to see what was on their answering machine. His wife picked up and I casually asked for the guy by name. She said “he’s not here right now,” but verified that it is, indeed, his address. I should have asked “when do you expect him back?” If she said, tonight, that would have been extremely fishy.

Anyway, after doing this research, I don’t think the guy is dangerous, just a liar and kind of a jerk. And the more I think about it, the more I think my friend already knows a lot of this, and that’s why she’s so reluctant to hang out with her friends and talk about her relationship, and why she seems so bitter and different.

Dear Cookie,

I got a PI to investigaate the Trojan HOrse P who was at that time my mother’s “live in caregiver” and who was “borrowing” money frm her. I got a rap sheet amile long of CONVICTIONS and parole revocations and 3 sexual offenses with CHILDREN, and tried to get my mother to read it, but she would not even look at it and accused me of lying and making it all up. It was someone else with the “same name” (and same SS# too I guess!) so your friend may not be willing to listen toyou, and in fact, may become very angry with you when you present this evidence to her (if you are going to do so) That’s the thing, I have been “warned” and filed to listen to the warnings.

There is always the option of calling the man’s wife and telling him what you know, but I really don’t think that is a good idea. I doubt that your friend would appreciate it (even if it did get him away from her) so you are probably going to lose the friendship no matter what you do. It’s one of those situations I think where there is NO “good” answer on what to do as far as you are concerned. And, truly, even though she is your friend, you can’t save her from herself if she doesn’t want to be saved.

I was tagged to this web site, LF, years ago, when someone posted a comment to my DDHG profile about my ex, who I think was another Spath.

I’ve only today decided to post to the LF blog, for the first time up here, and responding first and specifically to OxDrover’s message to Hen (on the LF blog under headings “How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?”), and first responded, earlier today to the blog entries, “Henry, those little turds just think they’re cute—they will just go on to be the next generation of ’Mikes’ and ’Jodies’ and can’t remember what Matt’s X was called—FAKE is a good enough term. Doesn’t matter if they are straight or gay or in between they are TRASH!”

Also agree to one_step_at_a_time’s message, “hens ”“ hi sweetie. young queens are f***ing turds. always have been. always will be. narcissistic little turds.”

My ex, a Spath with whom I lived for nearly a decade, was on the DL. One of his wives prior to me confirmed it for me, ..said that during her relationship with him, her gay male friends (more than one) told her they’d had sex with him. She also told me that he wanted to sex role switch with her, which in long, painful hindsight, I now suspect was what he was trying to have me do, as well.

It has been almost 10 years since ending our relationship. He left without reimbursing me half the security deposit (I paid the whole first extra month of rent, when we rented the house; we both signed the lease), so he left me holding the bag, hanging on to a house, not long after my last unemployment check ran out, he left after I’d helped mentor (if not raise) his daughter for that long, and left not long after she was no longer a minor. I was unable to have children of my own.

He drained me emotionally and financially for years..wasn’t like the ordinary break up (hey, I’d handled those in my 20s and 30s quite well..was able to move on like water off a duck’s back, and I always knew when to break it off with someone, early on, when I knew they were not right for me.) Profiles I’ve posted about him show him wearing the expensive clothes that I bought for him. He “fed” off my family’s good graces for years, attending my father’s 80th B-day celeb, at the beach, where I’d also invited his daughter (she ate well, too, that night!), taking advantage of my father’s V-day present to us as a couple: a weekend resort, with a hot tub, breakfasts served; dinners my father paid for my own B-day celebs, at fine restaurants, where he was also invited..for years.

He denied everything to the bitter end, said there was no other woman, etc. There WAS another woman, a woman who had, for a couple of years, pretended to be my friend. She was married, for the second time, when she met us, through mutual friends of hers and mine. So he USED me and my networks to meet and seduce his Ms. Next, his next victim.

Less than one year after he bolted, I was crime victimized. So..first I was sexually/emotionally/psychologically abused by one Spath, for years, then I was physically assaulted, by another Spath, a felon, at my place of work. Healing was slower, with two “crimes” happening back to back, from two different Spaths, one “crime” from who I THOUGHT I knew, another from a stranger and felon. The combination of the two things left me feeling as though I’d been raped.

Recovery has been slow, but I’m determined to “out” the Spath with whom I lived for so long, once and for all.

On one web site, I posted photos of him from his teens through his 50s, asking any gay guys or guy who’s sexed him to please come forward to say when or where that happened to please comment under any profiles on him. He had two failed marriages before living with me, and I suspect is working on a third that will probably fail (he interfered with her 2nd marriage, and seduced her away from her husband, meanwhile he’d advertised himself as bi on a swingers site.)

It wasn’t his first time trying to destroy someone else’s marriage. His first wife told me he (and by his own admission to her) had seduced their neighbor’s wife. He himself admitted to me, when we began dating, that he’d come on to a married woman while married to his 2nd wife, but she told him she didn’t want his problems to become hers. Wish I had done the same thing. That was my RED FLAG and I ignored it. Took a long time for me to forgive myself for having anything to do with the Spath.

Sometimes, the only relief I get from the residual grief (though much less than it was 9 years ago, and certainly minimal, since it didn’t take me long to meet my next partner, with whom I still live, and who I deeply love) is to try to help other women on those profiling sites. But when I post my standard paragraph, I also keep hoping that those gay guys will respond”“you know”“the gay guys who his first wife said had sexed him while he and she were married.

Is this “normal” to want this kind of final closure, or “obsessive”? I just think the next woman is putting herself at HUGE risk of possibly contracting AIDS. I care not for HER (female with whom he had an affair while living with me and who he left me for) feelings or HER safety anymore, but care about OTHER women who he might con, after her.

I think he also keeps stalking me by directing SPAM e-mail to my addy, and also suspect that it was he who has vandalized my car four times, within the last 9 years. But I refuse to be intimidated to take down my profiles about him on the net, that warn other women.

My car was, again, vandalized, when parked in front of my home, about week ago, and I suspect, again, that it was him doing it. And that SPAM email? Well, that continues, too. Got one just last night. Sent at 9 P.M. (His current “squeeze” should pay attention to what he does on his computer, at that hour, but she refused to listen to the warnings of her former husband’s former girlfriend who remained his friend, who was the sister-in-law of my ex’s first wife.) I ignore the emails. I just delete them. My neighbors and their teen children (who study into the morning hours) are on heightened Neighborhood Watch, because of the vandalism to my car. I REFUSE to be intimidated to remove my posts on DDHG or anywhere else, because of him or his actions. Somehow, I just know that his family members, or at least several of them, KNOW he’s a Spath, but they’ve managed, I think, to enable him and his behavior.

So, yes, I think the vindictiveness of Spaths, described in LF’s page about Spath characteristics, is right on the mark.

I think you LF bloggers might, by now, know who I am, or at least who my Spath was, especially if you read womansavers.com or DDHG profiles, as I do daily (like others read the daily obits in their newspapers.) I come to this blog, finally, because, what the Spath did to me was diminish my friendship circles (he FED ON THEM, to find his next victim!), to leave me feeling very isolated, and it has been a long haul for me, out of the hole of depression.

I’m not a homophobe (as he accused me of being in his last, vulgar e-mail to me.) In fact, I am trusting and putting my faith in my Higher Power, that some KIND gay guy (or guys), that is, who HAVE A CONCSCIENCE or consciences, come forward to help expose him for the DL Spath/fraud he was, is, or has been for years, ..hope that the gay community (at least those gays who believe in monogamy) will help me finally..to expose him, so I can have complete closure.

He refused to get an AIDS/HIV test, when I asked him to, after he decided it was “over.” Though I am cleared (had to wait six months between each test), I am very concerned about other victims of his, after the fact. He had a huge hemorrhoid in his anal area, which very well could be a HUGE red flag, that he might be a “bottom” (or a “versatile”, someone who is both a top and bottom.) He had a gay male porn addiction while living with me.)

Spaths on the DOWN-LOW are the worst!

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