Why I Am Becoming an Ass

By Ox Drover

Many of you know that I have a background and interest in animal behavior, and that I look at the way animals behave and apply what I see to my own life.

I have two mammoth (horse-sized) donkeys (correctly called asses) named Fat and Hairy that I frequently talk about on the blog. Someone called them the Lovefraud mascots, because I talk about them so frequently.

I’ve ridden and owned various horses over the years and they are loveable creatures, but really not very bright. They will trust their safety to you without question once they are trained and will do what you tell them to, usually without protest, even if it gets them into a situation where they will be injured or killed. If they sense danger from a sudden loud noise or something else, they will frequently panic, and in their own panic and efforts to flee the supposed danger, they will injure themselves or run blindly directly into the danger.

Asses, on the other hand are quite bright and will never trust their safety to anyone except themselves. Because of this tendency to refuse to budge toward something they don’t personally think is safe, asses have become labeled “stubborn” and “hard headed” and “balky” and “uncooperative.” In fact, it is not the case at all! They are just very very self-protective and cautious. They will never trust their safety to someone they aren’t sure puts their safety as high a priority as they do.

In the wild, or even with some tame horses, if there is danger, a horse will just take off in all directions at once, but if an ass senses danger, he will assess the situation before he does anything. He will decide for himself to flee or fight, and if he decides to flee, he will make sure he is going in the direction away from the danger. Not so the horse.

Asses never panic. They put their own safety as the top priority and they know that panic puts them at a decided disadvantage in taking care of themselves, over having a cool head in a crisis. While a horse will run blindly in panic and fear, the ass will stop some distance away from the perceived threat and turn around to observe if it is necessary to keep on running.

Asses are not cowards and sometimes they feel it is necessary to fight to maintain their safety.They are quite capable fighters, using their teeth and all four feet as formidable weapons. Because of this tendency, they are frequently used as guardian animals for sheep, goats and other prey-type livestock. They will not allow a strange animal in their territory. I even have photos of a mule killing a cougar. (Mules are half-horse, half-ass hybrids, but have more ass characteristics than horse characteristics. They are quite bright and also take their own safety into their own hoofs.)

Even though both asses and their mule offspring have reputations for being stubborn and difficult to deal with, I see their intense consciousness for their own safety and wellbeing as a positive characteristic that we should all emulate.

A while back I was riding Fat Ass on a trail ride and we came around a bend and he saw something new to him and stopped to examine it before proceeding. It was a bright shiny new white fence, in contrast to the barbed wire fences he was familiar with. He observed and sniffed this fence from a safe distance until he decided it was harmless and then proceeded. If I had tried to force him to proceed before he was ready to proceed, he would never have gone. His attention would have been diverted from examining the potential danger to resisting my forcing him. I could have beaten him with an iron rod and he would never have moved. A horse, on the other hand would have said., in essence, “Okay, if you think it is safe and you are going to hit me, I will go on.” Not an ass. They have minds of their own and their own safety is uppermost in their minds, as it should be in ours.

Like a horse, I have left my own safety in the hands of others. I have let them force me into places that were not safe, because of the punishment they inflicted on me if I did not do their will. Instead of keeping my own safety uppermost in my mind, I allowed others to “rein me in” and “spur me on” into unknown dangers. I abdicated my own good sense and let someone else take over the reins.

When I panicked, when I finally did see the danger that I had allowed someone else to lead me into, I “rode off in all directions at once” like a panicked horse, running blindly, sometimes right into the danger itself. I fled sometimes when I should have stood and fought, and fought sometimes when I should have fled, because in my panic I didn’t take time to assess the situation and come to a reasonable decision about what I should do.

When I was injured, I concentrated on the injury itself, rather than taking myself out of danger of further injury as an ass would have done. I begged my abusers to stop beating me. I gave in to their demands that I do something I wasn’t sure about.

If a horse has been injured or mistreated, it may remain in a hyper-vigilant state of high stress and never be able to relax. It may become nervous and anxious all the time if it has been hurt or stalked. After my injuries by the psychopaths, I became the nervous horse, seeing danger behind every tree. Living in stressful terror and “waiting for the other shoe to fall.”

The ass however, does not live in a hyper-vigilant state. The ass is continually alert for danger, but not anxious. He doesn’t blow and snort and dance the way an anxious or nervous horse does. He has confidence in the best protector of his safety, himself.

Yea, I’m working on becoming an A.S.S.—-Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath!

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133 Comments on "Why I Am Becoming an Ass"

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I sound like a drug addict here.

I’m leaving for Sedona in the morning! I have a friend that thought it would be good for me to go. I’m determined not to think about S all weekend. I’m Paranoid that my new friend has ulterrier motives, but my eyes are WIDE open.

Meg, you need to keep yourself busy. I know its easy to say, but really you need to. You need to focus on you. Figure out what makes you happy. It wasn’t your S that did, because it was all a lie. I still have a hard time accepting that.

Dear Asses in training,

This clip may or may not resonate with you, but I’ve found it useful enough to bookmark it under inspirational links: http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

Stay strong.

Lost in AZ–
please say some prayers for me in Sedona or send me some positive energy from that wonderful place.

i swear to you though– he DID make me happy. we laughed. we cried. We had the most amazing sex. I took care of and loved on his 5 year old dghter.

let’s see– before I met him, what made me happy?

my Tae-Bo classes. tap dancing.
dogs! old people. playing piano. nature.

they don’t seem to work anymore.

Meg, and I’ll take your spirit with me to Sedona! OK?

Does anybody know how you can find your previous posts?


I try to focus on….God has other plans for me, that I was with a Bad Man and God doesn’t want me to be with him. I try to accept that, each new and wonderful day. It has given me strength to move on. Now what God has planned for me, is my purpose to find out. You need to find your Spirit Meg. Don’t let your S take that from you, that is your choice right now. Don’t let him have it. God has other plans for you, find out what they are.

I knew nothing about these creatures, I don’t know if creatures of God or creatures of Evil, until I came across one that made my life a living hell for almost eight years. After all the readings I’ve been having about sociopaths I think non-violent sociopaths cause way much more pain and suffering than the violent ones. The pain caused by violent psychopaths is most of the time physical and visible to the outside world and that’s why those types are locked in jails and at least paying for it. The pain and suffering caused by the apparently “non-violent” psychopaths, the ones playing Christians, pastors and good guys are invisible to the world, only the victim who comes to close contact with them feels and see the inside wounds left by them, and those ones are out there all over the world leaving a trail of victims on their evil path. The most frustrating about it is that we don’t have proofs or witnesses NOTHING to get them locked and out of the society. That’s why I feel it is so hard sometimes to move on, knowing that this person is out there and will continue to hurt innocent people. Can we do something about it? We are all victims of these creatures and maybe we should start thinking of getting the group together and denounce to the world about them. Get the information to teenagers so they know the signs to recognize them. I wish I could have the information about sociopaths eight years ago, but unfortunately when I came across the information about them I was already badly wounded.

There are some rewards to this miserable situation. The major ones I have found are one, Finding out about them, so I will never have to deal with one again, Hopefully. Two, Teaching my fourteen yr old daughter how to spot one.

I find it so very hard to beleive that these people have no conscience at all. I cant even fathom that.

Meg: You are hurting and you think that if you call him the hurt will go away. Don’t call! Since October you have been slowly healing, you have formed a “scab” over your wound and if you call him you will be ripping the scab off and starting all over again, probably be worse, I speak from experience! He can not give you the relief you seek, he won’t say what you want to hear, you won’t feel better after you talk to him, you will wish you never called, then your mind will start playing the conversation over and over and over and make you feel even more hurt. I was with a man for 14 years who discarded me, I cried and cried and cried, I called him after 4 months and turned into a crying mess on the phone. NC now for 1 year, I was a mess for months, I missed him, I loved him, but he didn’t feel that for me, never. I don’t think about him very much at all. Be gentle with yourself, speak lovingly to yourself, you did the best you could, you are going to be alright.

thank you so much.
why am I still missing him?

Meg: I missed “my” man so much. He was my identity, I was Dick Head’s girlfriend, I felt security in that, that is why I stayed so long in a relationship that wasn’t “right”. I knew something was wrong but I ignored it out of fear. We had fun times, I missed his smile and jokes, I missed the intimacy, I still loved him and it took time for my mind to wrap around that it was over, I thought we would always be together. I tended to just think of the good times. I have wasted 33 years of my life waiting for the guys to change, I just wanted to be loved and cherished, something I wouldn’t give myself. I just think to myself” right now, in this present moment, I am OK. I need to get a job, to keep busy doing fun things, I don’t think about all this as much when I am busy. You will slowly begin to feel better. Sometimes I would want to call him because the anxiety would become so great, but I knew I would get no relief from him.

These days I am grieving over falling for the S that came along after my ex. I was so needy and loaned him $1,000’s of dollars. I can see that it is not about him, but about me and the choices I am making and the thoughts I am thinking. I have forgiven myself, I did some stupid things, but I am still here, and so are you, and we are going to get through this.

I think everyone is walking around with emotional pain, and I don’t think I’d want to trade mine for someone else’s. Isn’t there some kind of saying about that? or a story? I can’t remember it.

Meg: I too miss the sociopath- the man I loved and thought was my best friend. However, I know that the person I miss was a fake, a great actor- and when the mask came off -when he devalued and discarded me- he turned into a monster right before my eyes. I have been practicing NC too- even when he e-mailed and left a voice mail on my birthday, I did not repond ( it was hard). This week has been hard too. Due, I’m quite sure, to some sleazy work practice (fudging reports rather than doing the actual work perhaps) he was suspended from work for five days. Of course, I have wanted to contact him, but I resisted. From afar, I will watch him self-destruct.- and am glad I am no loner associated with him. Be strong- I cried every day for a long time, but I cry less lately. Keep seeing the therapist- that helps too.

Dear Blindsided,

Well, sounds like he IS on a self destruct coure….and he should be. Many times they do self destruct, so keep the faith and be good to yourself. Glad you are doing better. (((hugs))))

blindsided31: Yes, when I was discarded I knew I would never have anything to do wih him again, but I still cried and cried and grieved. Suspended for 5 days? Too bad! HaHa

what this man did to me at the end– although he blamed me b/c of something i said under huuuuge stress and evil doing by his bro—
what he did–the discard was blatantly evil. Sadistic even. Oh my god it is horrible.
so why would I long for the person that did it? Or actually– the person BEFORE he did it?

so- why do i not feel like you– just cry and grieve and get over it?

why do i feel that the person I fell in love with– reALLy is in there/somewhere?–
you know folks–
i truly wonder how much this has to do with my being adopted–
always wondered- from time I was five—
“What did I do wrong?” “Why didn’t they keep me?” “If they only knew how talented and smart and pretty and good I am– they would have kept me” I used to even think as a little girl that “I wouldn’t eat that much—”

Oh– I don’t know–
maybe it was brainwashing– by his use of amazing sex–
yeah– ask me in the height of arousal if I want to “grow old with you”? If I want to have a child with you (He knew I never wanted any–)
He also knew I have no real family and an abusive past. How demonic. I feel molested.
shit– it was like he raped my soul.
maybe this is what I am not able to let go of.

it is not like I can confront my abuser and get my feelings out.

It’s not like I can go to court and get some money to help with bills and medical bills and therapy and relocating and getting my dog back and getting a job– and everything I had to give to goodwill just to get out of the state.
I am so humiliated.
i appreciate you all.
and then mine inherited 3 million– the moment he discarded me actually.
How am I not supposed to feel like trash?


I got rid of mine in November. Last week, when I was waiting for a flight to Puerto Vallarta, I had to fight down the urge to text message him from the airport — “innocently” making it look like I was texting someone else and telling them to meet me at the American Airlines Admiral Club for a drink to celebrate our trip.

And then I stopped myself because I realized that as lousy as I feel mentally and physically, no good could come out of any contact with him.

Also, I think you need to let go of the “if I only hadn’t said X on that last night, he would still be here.” Sugar, trust me when I say that it wouldn’t have mattered if you said something as basic as “the sky is blue.” He still would have done the D and D.

My therapist gave me some advice which I follow. He said whenever I start to miss S, think of the bedbugs he dragged into my apartment or some absolutely hellish thing he did to me to counter that so-called “warm” feeling toward S I was experiencing.

In your case, I still remember vividly one of your early posts where you recounted how he was kneeling on your neck trying to kill you. That memory would certainly work for me.

Regarding whether your being adopted has to some relationship with your S, I can’t speak to your being adopted so much as your adoptive mother who wasn’t there for you early on because she was mentally and physically ill. A lot of us on this site had parents who weren’t there for us and couldn’t give us what we needed — which conditioned us perfectly by the time our sociopaths entered our lives.

meg: Yes, that does sound evil and sadistic. It is mind bending to think that someone could say these things and not mean them, because we don’t think that way. The hurt is horrible. My dad left when I was a young girl, I have always had a terror of abandonment in my relationships, is that me still reacting as a child? I wonder about that too. I don’t know if I’m over everything or anything yet, still have been feeling deep sadness, so I started anti-depressants again.

You can cry and grieve, that is normal of course, but do not think bad thoughts about yourself, the things you are thinking about yourself are making you feel like trash, you can change the way you think about yourself. All my life I thought to myself “I’m fugly, fugly, fugly” HaHa, and guess what? I’m not fat or ugly, I don’t say that to myself anymore. I say “Chic, you are pretty, good enough, fabulous and I love you!” I can think whatever I want to about myself and I am not going to let one man decide my worth as a person. I used to do that, but there are 6 billion people on this earth, how can I give all my power away to one person? And God loves me, he does not make mistakes, I have to keep reminding myself of that!!

Meg: Just because he trashed me didn’t instantly stop me from loving him (or like you said, the person you thought he was before the D&D). I still miss him terribly- the fantasy person that he was pretending to be. But I have realized that NC is a good policy- as much pain as I have been in, re-contacting him will set you way back.

And yea-suspended for 5 days!!- not easy to accomplish where I work, it has to be something pretty serious. It is one of the last steps in progressive discipline before you are terminated. My friends kept telling me “what goes around comes around”. For a long time I didn’t believe it, but WOW, since he dumped me he’s not only had these major job problems, but both his parents have gotten sick so he probably does not have much time for his new “love” ( if she hasn’t yet figured out what a sleeze ball he is and dumped him).

Dear Akitameg,

Feeling disconnected from your spirit. I understand this. It took a very long time for me to feel reconnected. Somehow, I let the BM get deep into my spirit and he tap danced on the most delicate parts of my being. I was pretty bruised up inside for quite a long time.

I was just reading your comment aloud to Boyfriend, AKA Dr. Brad. He wants to add his 2 cents. Dr. Brad says, “My advice is to start dating a healthy man as soon as possible.” Thanks Dr. Brad. He’s off to bed now… oh if it were only that simple… Anyway.. as we all know, it is not easy to find a quality person especially if our “picker” isn’t working at optimal capacity. :o)

I think your link to your feelings about being adopted is very interesting. Check with yourself and see if there is something about trying to be “good enough” connected with this man.. in your mind.

The thing is Meg,



That is the delusion. You are yearning for the delusion… to be “good enough” for him. He is all smoke and mirrors. YOU are real and caring and kind and loving and talented and and and…. :o)

Remember the LF Classic “He is the Lie from hello to goodbye.”
Or find some other tidbit of wisdom that you can use to yank yourself out of the reverie when you start to long for “him.” You are longing for how he made you feel about yourself at those heightened moments.. yes? no?

Strive to feel your FABULOUSNESS without him.

If you truly feel your own worth, then no one can give it to you one second and then take it back the next… because your SELF-worth is YOUR OWN!

Keep trudging along to NC Land. NC is where it’s at. It’s where the ASS Club meets. Bring you hat! Bring you darts!

Smart ASSes UNITE!

You are doing so great with your NC.

Keep on keepin’ on!

All the best.. Aloha

Its scary how similar our stories are, since I recently started blogging, it seems like I just keep saying ME TOO. OMG that happened to me too… I am almost afraid you guys with think I am chimming in just to be part of tha D&D club! Sorry, but its not the hottest club to be at on a Friday nite.lol

I had the same experience with my x-pycho being my best friend, the awesome sex that still keeps you incarcerated, the begging me back which was heart wrenching cuz you want it to be real so bad, but I know that he’s like crack to an addict to me.
His favorite line- I dont wanna lose you. I’ve heard other bloggers say they heard the same thing!!! Quite effective.

How can they be all the same?????

Even after I found out all the cheating-on porno sites, he posted OUR wedding pix for him to pick up women online, lying,stealing $1000s, abusing my animals & me, etc. He said to me ” you deserve to be loved the right way, give me a chance and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

My flesh literally crawled, my spirit KNEW these were lies straight from hell, but a part of me desparately wanted to believe he could change. Sad when your heart wants one thing, but your mind Knows it can never, never be.

Part of my confusion is why do I miss him knowing all the evil he’s done??? Meg- Did I understand that your x choked you by the neck? Mine did (after 2 cervical disc replacements) I think I must be INSANE to ever have sadness that this maniac is gone.

I realize that emotions LIE, and as in business , its deadly to be emotionally driven- Perhaps its even more deadly in our personal life to be such. Our VERY LIFES depend on us being able to decern good from evil.

WHATEVER it takes we must SNAP OUT OF IT. Choosing to cut these dangerous predators from our lives Means CHOOSING LIFE.

You’d never see a wildabeast crying over not being able to cohabitate with the lion that tried to make it dinner (not in the Bobby Flan kind of way). How absurd. That is due to survival mode – no EMOTIONS allowed.

The wildabeast would never think ” I FEEL like the lion will not rip me a new one TODAY, as he walks away with scars on his ass from previous near death experiences tattooed with the lions initials. EMOTIONS LIE, LIE, LIE.

Dear SABRINA, You are so right! EMOTIONS LIE! I think we ASSes should make that one of our OFFICIAL MOTTOES!!!!

Let’s go over the mottoes:

1) He is the lie from hello to goodbye
2) Emotions lie!
3) TOWANDA!!! (TOWAND-O for the guys) LOL

Since I have CRS you guys will have to help me with the rest of the list.

Dear Meg, from reading your posts, it sounds to me that you feel your life is “empty” and “boring” and “worthless” and “hopeless” and that without the “fantasy” of “him” your spirit is crushed. I know that all of those things applied to me fter the airplane crash nd the loss of my husbnad. It wasn’t only my husband that died that day but everything connected with him. He was my best friend, my biggest supporter, my sexual partner, my cheerleader, my bed partner at night….my life. When he was gone I was so ALONE like I had not been alone in forever it seemed.

There was so joy or enoyment in life any more, there was no ambition to do anything to make plans to do anything. There was JUST NOTHING.

Then, along came the psychopathic creep, and BINGO, life was grand, there was someone who wanted to make me happy and loved me and wow!!!! Wonderful!!!! …….that is until it started to turn into a nightmare of pain and devaluation. BACK TO SQUARE ONE….no meaning in life, nothing to look forward to except being an old woman alone, no one to hold her at night, no one to desire her sexually, no one to encourage her and tell her how wonderful she is, no one to laugh at her bad puns, or debate some scientific question….life was OVER, now I just existed.

But you know, Meg, when “push came to shove” I still had a spark of life in the old heart, and even when things got worse before they got better, I didn’t lay down and die….and now, life is better than it has ever been. No man, money tighter than ever, but I am HAPPY, AND JOYFUL AND GRATEFUL!!!! Still on that road to Healing and don’t plan to ever get off, I plan to work on ME forever til one day when I am 97 years old, when I get off Hairy or Fat after a 20 mile ride, one of them finally decides to kick my lights out and the last thing I see before departing for the pearly gates is the bottom of one of their feet! In the meantime, I am going to live every prescious moment of the time that God has alloted me and not WASTE another second on Satan’s Spawn! I am going to thank the Good Lord for all the blessings he has given me…a roof over my head, 3 squares a day, reasonably good health for an old bat, a Fat Ass to ride, and the strength to get on top of it, two wonderful sons, and several wonderful friends, and the STRENGTH AND WISDOM to get away and STAY away from the Spawn of Satan that have inhabited my world here to fore.

The analogy above about the Wildebeaste not crying over the lion now loving it is a good one. Maybe humans are the only species that love their predators. That might be a subect for another article.

Hang in there Meg, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS and quit focusing on what you have lost—you still have YOUR REAL WEALTH THAT CAN’T BE TAKEN AWAY. As my old granny would say, “quit crying over spilled milk” you’ve still got the rest of the meal left!!!! That milk was sour anyway. (((hugs))))

Oh my gosh–
I have crawled out of bed– after graphic dreams of crying to get the guy I loved back and……

I get the gift of all of your posts!!!!
You have brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart.

Matt– I am so glad you are back and i hope you had a nice getaway. Thank you so much for your honesty.

You all are so wonderful and can’t thank you enough.

Alhoa00 Dr. Brad is right. i have a great chance with a genuine, cute, loving guy– but my sick mind keeps say8ing–“why bother– the sex will never be like it was with the ex>”– trust me– it can’t.
but– maybe I just need to get over that.
a crack addict may never get their initial high- but how sad that most of them go thru life chasing it anyway instead of really living.

Sabrina– you make me laugh. I to sometimes think that people here are going to think I am just chiming in! Mine to always said, “I don’t want to lose you.”
maybe the same demonic spirit works thru all of them.–

Oxy– thank you thank you– thank you. How is it that Asses do not panic?

Blindsided– thank you very much. I sure hope that what comes around goes around. It has with me– that is for sure.

Love to all of you!

Dear Meg,

WHY do asses not panic? I’m not sure, but it has definitely been a successful survival technique. THEY PUT THEIR OWN WELFARE above EVERYTHING. So if they see something new and strange they ASSESS it (wonder if that word came from how they behave?) FIRST, then if they think it might hurt them, they decide if they need to fight or flee….then if they do flee, they don’t panic and run blindly, they go a distance away and RE-assess it, to see if it is coming after them or if it is staying in place.

They are very territorial too….they will drive strange animals that they do not know what are away from their territory. They are BRAVE as well, and are willing to fight if need be. Those pictures of a mule (half donkey, half horse, but more donkey-like) killing a cougar are AWESOME.

If an ass gets a rope twisted around its leg it will try to get loose, but not panic and break its own leg, a horse will panic and break its own leg in a struggle to get loose. But horses are NOT smart or careful, and ASSES ARE BOTH SMART AND CAREFUL.

We do need to be more like them and let our BRAINS do our work and overcome our panic buttom. WE CAN but it takes work.

Glad you woke up to some inspiring support! Now go have a good day or I will BOINK YOU!!!! That’s an ORDER! (((hugs))))

hey guys, reading the above article on asses and very interesting. I know for me being to accepting of people has been my downfall. Don’t know where that quality cam e from but i have way too much of it. If i had trusted my own instincts from the very beginning but i didn’t and i was dead on. I rem thinking the first time he came to my house as he was leaving in his truck carrying on a conversation with my 16 yr. ols son at the time, i thought get away from my son. Predator ran through my mind , but for the life of me i didn’t even know what one was. Now that’s intuition when you see something you’ve never even met before or know what it is and still a word pops into your head. Now i will know when i see one and beleive it. What a hard lesson and price to pay. love kindheart ps. sex with mine was not even on the scale, the worst so it can only go up or get up from here Hahha

Ox , could you please send me that video of the cougar? My gf had an arabian and she was purebred and very stubborn like the asses. My girlfriend is curious where you live.

Kindheart, it isn’t a video, it is a series of still photos, taken by the owner of the mule. I’m not sure I could send it, Ihave an air card and it is very difficult for me to send that kind of thing.

I live in Arkansas.

Ox thanks anyway.

Hi guys- and Meg, Oxy, thanks for letting me know you got something from my post. (and Oxy for summing up) You are ALL so inspirational to me. ((S.S.S-sorry so sappy)) All you guys make me laugh, cry- sometimes all in the same paragraph!
I previously posted a site that I’ve been watching that may help all of us quit swimmin in River De-Nile.

IT’s Sociopathworld.com REALLY BIZARRE stuff,

I am paraphrasing a new exact post of a self proclaimed S-
” As a N. I also memorize other peoples emotions , its the easiest way to seem human. Because I have No idea how to feel them myself. I’d be easy to spot….. Normal people may sense or feel the presence of evil.. It permeates from the P.”

Caution: For what its worth, someone also posted: “Warning this site is dangerous, Do NOT BLOG just read & leave!! IT IS A VIEW INTO THE MIND OF EVIL.”
Maybe a joke (?) but I tend to agree with the no posting. No winning in a war of words with a P. Crazy trumps ANYTHING we got!

When you guys have time to check into it- lots of info to sift thru- let me know what you think. I said before its good to ‘Know Thy Enemy”. THis may be benefical.


Your feelings are akin to mine – even after 1 year of separation. I still find it hard to disconnect emotionally and accept him for who he is – A NS. He has had affairs – I forgave. We were separated 2 or 3 times – I took him back. And upon this final time – I finally began to get myself some help to see why those beautiful blue yes of his were always somewhat clouded by something I could not identify. And his behaviors- I made our last year together perfect – ultimate servant, ultimate cook, sex on demand – asked for very little from him. Still wasn’t good enough – he withdrew within months of being home.

When I had some evidence something was amiss again and confronted him – he decided he didn’t want to be married. Now in the process of divorce, I find out who he really is -and it is very ugly. He has ruined me financially – but he will probably walk with 2 businesses. All the years I have worked – and I may spend the rest of my life struggling. He was still cheating when he came back home, on web-sites to cheat , spent money like water – all the while telling me he loved me. -he was happy with how well I took care of him – it had nothing to do with me. Love apparently is not somethinh he can feel or understand.

He has hurt my daughter beyond repair and manipulates my son constantly.

I think I am learning my mistake was looking to him for validating my existence – my goodness – my importance in the world. The more I gave the better I felt were my chances of being VALUED and TREASURED and LOVED. – It didn’t happen.

So when the rejection came and the affairs made known – I felt lower than ever- they had to be prettier, thinner, flirty – more fun. I was just the wife trying to keep it altogether. And at times when I needed help – he was never there. I invested myself in an empty vessel. Counselor says he feels shallow feelings but will never be able to really LOVE a woman – even if it does look like he is so happy with the skank next door.

So don’t be hard on yourself – we know the sex was great – intense but not intimate – orgasmic but not bonding.

It didn’t matter who was in bed – he could pretend I was anyone I guess .

It is so very hard, and soul bending – rape as you say – to believe someone we love could do this to us- but they have and somehow we have to pick up and find ourselves again.

I have kids with him so this is a life sentence for me – at least until my son gets old enough to figure him out and maybe be done with him like my daughter.

I don’t know what is correct as far as his rights as a dad- he never had much interest before -other than a big reception when he finally made it home at night.

I wish you peace in your soul, strength to know we – you – will go on and create a new life. I fear being alone and never having been loved by a good man- and HE knew this. I would tell him it was important for me to feel SAFE in our relationship – and he was very good at using that to suck me back in.

Better our time spent on us now – I have spent so much to figure him out I have to leave it with God now – and find the acceptance of something I NEVER EVER wanted to happen.

I have to accept it so I can heal -I can’t go on like this forever –
my heart needs to get in step with my head knowlewdge.

Prayers to all here at LF – I have been reading even though I have’t posted too often.

OXY – I wish I had some of your energy and love for life – hopefully I will get there soon – I don’t want my kids to remember me being angry and miserable.

newlife, i can sure identify withyour post and how it is not about us at all. Mine couldn’t even have sex wsa impotent for over 5 years unles of course he could pick up somehtng that he could control i feel, someone drunk , but at least i couldn’t catch anything and having sex for me will be a new experience for sure when it happens. Im glad he couldn’t perform after reading all the posts about how great they wree in bed, mine just was better with the head f*** which makes it just as hard. He’ was alwaasy telling me your just about perfect , i would have blond hair, nice car, good job, decent kids, tin y body, but iplants weren’t big enough at times etc. like he had anything that was big enough. I just couldn’t be wonder woman and you know the one he is with now, or one of them is a poor diabetic who drinks so it’ s not about how good we are it’s about how gulible we are. She thinks he’s wonderful at this point and he knows i know what he is. Still he wants to keep his secondary sources if you allow it. The should be branded. LOSERS

I FORgot to mention what a waste of nice lingerie he was . My decent ex husband never got an ounce of what i tried to impress this idiot with.

KH- how weird, your post stopped me in my tracks, I also have blond hair, petite frame, and MY X said MY implants were’nt big enuf! I said well thats a first to have a COMPLAINT, what u want porno boobs?? Guess he did.

His compliments (few and far between) were more like compliments with a brick- for ex.- He once told me I reminded him of Reese Witherspoon. Then couple of weeks later, he asked me on a car ride -DO you think Reese W. is attractive??? I DON”T. THen half pretended with an evil chuckle that he didnt remember saying I looked like her.

ALSO- I ALWAYS noticed that wearing lingerie was a waste also! HE NEVER even cared or noticed much, I was always puzzled. Truth was HE wanted to be the one on display, and always Star of the show.
I agree with the Sex on demand comment that was made. Never about when I wanted it- he made a point to make me feel like I was too demanding and ridiculed my sex drive, BUT when he wanted it , No negotation, no foreplay, no cuddle time afterwards.
In fact, So strange how he could start an arguement immediately after, as if nothing had happened. NO real intimacy, like he was an acrobat performing-then show over. He was actually turned on MORE when he started a ridiculous argument or hurt my feelings, then he demanded sex during the fight. I knew even then- this is, NOT NORMAL.
If I EVER confided in him a weakness or fear about our relationship- he was sure to act out that fear with his behavior toward me- such as “afraid of him leaving”- Next week or less,
He would get angry and he’d LEAVE. PLANNED TORTURE….

kh- Very funny when you sd. “like anything he had was big enuf.” My S ego was the biggest thing on him- thats so sad…lol. Did u ever experience that “making misery” was his version of foreplay and sadist comments his best aphrodisiac?

Sabrina said: “IT’s Sociopathworld.com REALLY BIZARRE stuff,

Normal people may sense or feel the presence of evil.. It permeates from the P.”

When you guys have time to check into it- lots of info to sift thru- let me know what you think. I said before its good to ’Know Thy Enemy”. THis may be benefical.”

Sabrina, I checked out the blog when you posted the link a few days ago. I spent several hours reading back through his archives. I agree with your “Know Thy Enemy” remark. For me, it was helpful to read sociopath forums and blogs from actual sociopaths to get a handle on how they think.

Also, as some others on this site have posted, I, too, had a negative reaction upon first meeting my P and felt an ominous dark vibe about him. But then later he came on so charming etc. that I discounted it and the rest is history. Interestingly, that is one of the things therapist asked me about, whether i had had any sort of inital bad vibe or reaction to him. She told me that normal people often (but not always) do sense something evil about them. I think some therapist have that same reaction when first encountering a P in their practice (I read that somewhere but can’t remember where now).

Sabrina i remember vividly when he commented on my implants one night as it literally took my breath away. You do something as you want to feel better about yourself(lost tons of weight when my husband and i sep ) and got the implants. I was more concerned at the time with being too big as it was not the look i was goin g for. He said”if you were going to do it, why didn’t you really do it? and i said you can be really damaging. He then proceeded to hug me but the damagae was done. I went on to defend myself by saying that my ex and another guy thought i had a nice body before the implants and i would hav looked like Pamela Anderson. He said “well alot of people like her” and i als o said so you know more than the surgeion as i had left it up to him. I also had a close male friend who had owned two strip clubs and i said “he like the au natural ” look and the moron did not kno w what that meant. It did alot of damage to say the least and i should have been done with him with that alone. I remember going with my fr who owned the clubs to South Beach for a holiday as he had a condo there(we have always been friends, no benefits like bro and sister) and i kept checking out all the women and their breasts and even considered going back and this male friend said stop it, he was trying to tell me that i was fine the way i was. Lately he had been upping the ante with your body is perfect crap because he’s been with everything , small , big , fat , ugly anything that would pay att to him. To be honest i sensed a long time ago that he hated the fact that anything was attractive on me, i remember in the early stages him saying almost in a nasty way “You could have any guy you want” and he has said it recently as well. I think on some level they know they aren’t deserving of us. AS i mentioned mine has not been able to penetrate for lack of better words for years and i was willing to accept his shortcomings (insane loyalty due to Stockholm Syndrome which was diagnosed in Trauma program recently) so i’ve been love starved. Cuddling was all i got and he would still at times be able to climax (they don’t have the same intense ffeeligns so i don’t think they even experience that to the degree we do) but i got literally nothing out of it but the cuddling. How sad. I have a male friend who said he can’t beleive how stupid this guy is to not have tried to please me in other ways. He’s a big Irish brawler, my frined and recently told him but won’t tell me that he’s done enough harm to me and to leave me alone and im afraid to think what he said to him about the sex not that the loser doesn’t deserve it. They just use and abuse whatever gets them excited, it could be anything most are so perverted. Mine hid that entirely from me but im no fool. At least he never demanded oral sex, i think they know our limits. But he was the selfishist man i’ll ever meet. If being selfish could kill, he’d have been dead a long time ago. Oh and i didn’t dress sleasy enoguh he told me early on as well and when i would be lonely and want to go over he’d give me conditions. Dress in a short skirt with a slit(lile they make them anymore) panty hose (fetish for sure) and high heels , not boots. I can’t beleive i did that for approval. One time i got all the guns out, garter, panty hose, bl bra wit diamon d and my fur coat. Stillhe couln’t do anything. I wasn’t sleasy enough i feel. My friend that owned the clubs when i told hi m he said in exact words You’re Making me sick” Why didn’t you come here. He was more concerned the s with doing up o ne of the tabs on the garter(highly ocd) and i thought any red blooded man would have ripped the panty hose off of me. I felt horrible but more sorry for him . I knew i could find someone to find me attractive, what the hell was his problem was what i was thinking. Still didn’t stop me from thinking it was me for a long time and trying to get him attracted to me. I’ve been doing this routine for 6 years and the weirdest thing is this last time i broke the no contact i swear he was more attracted to me prob becasue he has another source that was taking up most of his time(one who by the way is scrawny, no boobs and shoulders like a man). Makes no diff to these types as it’s all about how the woman makes them feel. She thinks he’s wonderful right now, wait till he’s done with her. kh

Maybe he’s a closet gay and hangs with the ladies as a cover. Just a thought.

Jen Jen Jen Gin – you crack me up –


The sex is never the same. Ah yes. I know what you mean. But let me add this. There is not sexual trick or Big O that is big enough to cancel out the degrading, devaluing, the discarding.

Having been so open and so raw with the Bad Man, it made his devalue and discard all the more painful.

What I have now with Brad is 100 times better because I feel emotionally safe. That is worth much more to me. And besides, the Bad Man had a few tricks but he wasn’t ALL THAT!

From where I stand now, I can’t even imagine ever being intimate with such a jackass like him ever again. Really!

Hang in there and remain NC NC NC… even if he calls you.. Don’t Answer. NC NC NC.

And you new cute guy… sounds like winner to me. Go slow. You might not be ready. When you are still obsessing over a Bad Man, it’s hard to have enough room in your heart for a Good Man.
XO Aloha

What’s the meanig of “TOWANDA”?

Changed –


It was the word that the actress Kathy Bates, exclaimed in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes – “TOWANDA” – while having a “moment” – lol And here at LF, the guys tweeked it to “TOWANDO” for themselves! 🙂


My “energy” and zest for life is ONLY NOW RETURNING after 4 3/4 years since the plane crash that killed my husband and then the 3 years after that dealing with the persecution and violence of my FAMILY Ps and their minions. Plus the physical illnesses and infections I suffered during that time too. I literally could not walk up a single flight of stairs I was so weak and sick.

I’m only in the past few months getting back my energy on a level that is even semi-normal for me. I AM starting to come to peace and joy in the world though, and not depressed all the time (though I still take antidepressant medication at a lower dose than I was taking) I am planning for the future, have short term and long term goals to work on. Some of my longer term goals I have “changed” to other, similar goals when they (after investigation) turned out to not be probably as good as I thought they might have been. But, I am USING my head more and my emotions less in making life decisions.

The bottom line is that I am TAKING CARE OF ME…listening to myself and my wants, desires, and needs, and putting them FIRST. I am even seeing tht some of the people that I considered “acquaintences” and “fairly close friends” are NOT people that I really want in my life…they are not Ps, or “mean” people, but just people who either thrive on drama or can’t always be trusted to keep their word, or would try to take advantage of me in even SMALL WAYS. What the heck do I need anyone around for who will try to take advantage in even a SMALL WAY. FRIENDS don’t do that to FRIENDS. I keep my word. I do what I say I will, (unless there is some really BIG emergency and then I explain the problem and apologize) but I am reliable. I expect my FRIENDS to be reliable. So I need these unreliable and dramatic folks WHY?

The peace I have found with boundaries, and knowing I can SET boundaries, and the world will not end if “John or Sue” is not in my “circle of trust” is they don’t respect those boundaries or keep their word to me, is making my life fun again.


Once again, weeeeell said! I am proud of you and admire your strength against so much adversity.

I agree completely with what you said about …”some people..are Not people that I really want in my life…”

Since I am working hard on setting boundaries (which I realize still need tweeking) its almost sad to realize your experience is so true. So many people are not about your best interest and try to suck you into their lives with alterior motives.

I’ve found that scenerio over & over in my recent journey to move forward. I also realize I am no where near ready for new relationships as my boundaries need to be Firmly embedded as a part of me and need to become second nature, with instant reaction, not an after thought or regret.

NO MORE Miss Whateva-you-wanna-do- to- screw-with- my-world kinda girl.
She was never that much fun to take to a party anyway…
(too much pickin her up, dusting her off the floor for the next one to walk on.) Now its- WHAT DID YOU SAY BEEAWCH? JJ-jus jokin.


-REQUIRE me to have a PHD in pychology to be aroundTHEM
– Have to SLEEP With one eye open
– Be Afraid of being stabbed with my own kitchen knife
-SLEEP with ANYTHING with a Pulse
-Make you both homicidal & suicidal at the same time, or
– Make you DOUBT Your OWN MIND
(who’s off the chain crazy here?, Him or ME?????)


also add: THEY DONT:
-Cause you to have to hide your Wallet,
-Money, Possessions, and BONE MARROW.

Actually, Sabrina, the thing is, I am NOT strong enough to keep on fighting the rest of my life—-I am TIRED of fighting, so I am going to AVOID fights by staying away from people who make me want to fight!

It takes a lot of energy to be upset, it takes more energy to fight with someone, and I am going to use my energy foro my purposes, not waste it in conflict and combat. I am retiring from constant COMBAT by staying out of the WAR ZONES. No soldier retires from the military service and then moves back to Iraq, so I wanna be safely out of the war zones and the first time I sense there might be a war, I’m getting to “higher ground.”

You were voted most likely to succeed in your younger days! Obviously others saw your greatness. You can still live up to this. It all depends on how you measure success. Maybe your real success in life will not be based on any of the things you thought it would be. Maybe it will be based on how you are able to overcome the greatest adversity in your life. Don’t sell yourself short. And please don’t email that guy. You are better than that. You are destined for success, girlfriend!

Yeah! I know I’m an A.S.S. , thanks to this site. I have recovered my self-esteem and confidence, knowing that he’s the crazy one and he is the product of his crazy, disordered family. I have raised my children to be A.S.S.es, not horses.


Good for you!!! If your kids are ASSes they will be pretty safe in this world because they will take care of themselves FIRST and not put their safety into the hands of someone else.

I am sorry to write this so late after several of you were so kind to respond to my much earlier post in this thread, but still want to thank you! Hope you see this. I’ve been too emotionally drained to even bear the thought of writing earlier.

Anyway, thanks so much to those who wrote encouraging words:

Shabbychic2 — your few lines really touched me in my moment of need. Just like the stranger who smiled so warmly last week after I’d been up all night listening to my husband scream at me and tell me in every way possible what a horrible, horrible, person I am, and after he pretty much beat me up (pinned me to the ground and wouldn’t let me go). That stranger saw a very disheveled person and still smiled. That one little smile gave me comfort and your response did too.

Jim in Indiana — I’m glad you wrote. Thank-you. Something you said in some earlier post has stuck with me. The gist of it was having your daughter (I think) and good books, music, that you have a good life. Maybe I don’t remember exactly but I liked the picture you presented — how a simple life with your loved ones and simple enjoyments is such a good thing. Gave/gives me something to look forward to when I get out of this mess. Like the Scripture in Proverbs, ” Better is a little where love is”.

Oxdover — Thank you so much for your kind words, prayers and the Scipture. You are so right ,” God will not be mocked.” I really believe this. The wonderful lady who encouraged me to come to this site mentioned you as having been especially helpful to her. I have been very grateful to read your posts and the other regulars who have really learned from experience and are taking the time and making such effort to communicate on here.

I’m afraid I’m not always as strong as I guess I appeared in my post. But my resolve to have the truth from him has been strong, but very, very difficult to hold to in the face of someone who seems to value how he appears to others more than anything else! And if what I know about him conflicts with what he wants people to believe (me included in those people) he will stop at nothing to try to twist and turn things into his desired view of reality. This has been more tormenting to me than anything. Because I want to give the benefit of the doubt and I find it unthinkable that someone could so confidently and blatantly lie. I just have trouble believing he could be lying even when I know better. At any rate what happened the night I first spoke of was the absolute death of the relationship (I hope I’ll write about it later). So he knows and I know no more wrangling over his stupid lies, but now he’s trying to do it to another family member. Another story… Well would like to write more details and hope I can later. I have some chronic health problems and it takes a lot out of me to do this. Thanks again everyone.

nomore: Hi! Glad to see you back here! Stay in your truth. God loves you and he does not make mistakes (I always have to remind myself of that). Hope to hear from you soon!

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