By Ox Drover
Many of you know that I have a background and interest in animal behavior, and that I look at the way animals behave and apply what I see to my own life.
I have two mammoth (horse-sized) donkeys (correctly called asses) named Fat and Hairy that I frequently talk about on the blog. Someone called them the Lovefraud mascots, because I talk about them so frequently.
I’ve ridden and owned various horses over the years and they are loveable creatures, but really not very bright. They will trust their safety to you without question once they are trained and will do what you tell them to, usually without protest, even if it gets them into a situation where they will be injured or killed. If they sense danger from a sudden loud noise or something else, they will frequently panic, and in their own panic and efforts to flee the supposed danger, they will injure themselves or run blindly directly into the danger.
Asses, on the other hand are quite bright and will never trust their safety to anyone except themselves. Because of this tendency to refuse to budge toward something they don’t personally think is safe, asses have become labeled “stubborn” and “hard headed” and “balky” and “uncooperative.” In fact, it is not the case at all! They are just very very self-protective and cautious. They will never trust their safety to someone they aren’t sure puts their safety as high a priority as they do.
In the wild, or even with some tame horses, if there is danger, a horse will just take off in all directions at once, but if an ass senses danger, he will assess the situation before he does anything. He will decide for himself to flee or fight, and if he decides to flee, he will make sure he is going in the direction away from the danger. Not so the horse.
Asses never panic. They put their own safety as the top priority and they know that panic puts them at a decided disadvantage in taking care of themselves, over having a cool head in a crisis. While a horse will run blindly in panic and fear, the ass will stop some distance away from the perceived threat and turn around to observe if it is necessary to keep on running.
Asses are not cowards and sometimes they feel it is necessary to fight to maintain their safety.They are quite capable fighters, using their teeth and all four feet as formidable weapons. Because of this tendency, they are frequently used as guardian animals for sheep, goats and other prey-type livestock. They will not allow a strange animal in their territory. I even have photos of a mule killing a cougar. (Mules are half-horse, half-ass hybrids, but have more ass characteristics than horse characteristics. They are quite bright and also take their own safety into their own hoofs.)
Even though both asses and their mule offspring have reputations for being stubborn and difficult to deal with, I see their intense consciousness for their own safety and wellbeing as a positive characteristic that we should all emulate.
A while back I was riding Fat Ass on a trail ride and we came around a bend and he saw something new to him and stopped to examine it before proceeding. It was a bright shiny new white fence, in contrast to the barbed wire fences he was familiar with. He observed and sniffed this fence from a safe distance until he decided it was harmless and then proceeded. If I had tried to force him to proceed before he was ready to proceed, he would never have gone. His attention would have been diverted from examining the potential danger to resisting my forcing him. I could have beaten him with an iron rod and he would never have moved. A horse, on the other hand would have said., in essence, “Okay, if you think it is safe and you are going to hit me, I will go on.” Not an ass. They have minds of their own and their own safety is uppermost in their minds, as it should be in ours.
Like a horse, I have left my own safety in the hands of others. I have let them force me into places that were not safe, because of the punishment they inflicted on me if I did not do their will. Instead of keeping my own safety uppermost in my mind, I allowed others to “rein me in” and “spur me on” into unknown dangers. I abdicated my own good sense and let someone else take over the reins.
When I panicked, when I finally did see the danger that I had allowed someone else to lead me into, I “rode off in all directions at once” like a panicked horse, running blindly, sometimes right into the danger itself. I fled sometimes when I should have stood and fought, and fought sometimes when I should have fled, because in my panic I didn’t take time to assess the situation and come to a reasonable decision about what I should do.
When I was injured, I concentrated on the injury itself, rather than taking myself out of danger of further injury as an ass would have done. I begged my abusers to stop beating me. I gave in to their demands that I do something I wasn’t sure about.
If a horse has been injured or mistreated, it may remain in a hyper-vigilant state of high stress and never be able to relax. It may become nervous and anxious all the time if it has been hurt or stalked. After my injuries by the psychopaths, I became the nervous horse, seeing danger behind every tree. Living in stressful terror and “waiting for the other shoe to fall.”
The ass however, does not live in a hyper-vigilant state. The ass is continually alert for danger, but not anxious. He doesn’t blow and snort and dance the way an anxious or nervous horse does. He has confidence in the best protector of his safety, himself.
Yea, I’m working on becoming an A.S.S.—-Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath!
I saw the title of this article and I just knew… it has to be OXY! Great Article! GREAT!
I have something to say but work does calll… so I will come back later.
But I am going to think about being an ASS all day. This is so wonderful!
Guys–
I am sorry to be a pain in the ASS-but—
why oh why oh why am I “jonesing” for my N/P/S so much right now?
Have had NC since Oct. I am in hiding. In another state. He can’t find me-
and yet– I wish that I could call him and say hello– it’s like I can feel him with me? This is really messed up!!!!
Please remind me to stay in NC b/c my sick mind thinks I can just pick up the phone and say hello– I must be insane.
bu hey– it is not normal to have someone loving you one minute and discarding you then next–
I miss the man I love sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.
and i really miss him in Physical ways if you know what I mean.
I was remembering today– that about a year ago– a dear girlfriend of mine was asking if I wanted to move to FLA and start over near her–
I told my S. It was not like he was making any proposals to me and at 38– I need some permanancy in my life. Excuse spelling.—
So you know that he texted my friend– without telling me–
“When she ends up homeless and needing money and a job– are you going to be there for her? I am not”
You guys– if this man had really loved me- like he was telling me and his family appointd psychologist–
wouldn’t he have spoken TO ME– and told ME THAT HE wanted a future with me– and don’t leave and let’s get married and I LOVE YOU—
what the hell?
He was keeping me s a little prisoner of his sexual leisure– and lying to me all the way.. How was to know.
some days i do not think I am going o survive this–
SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I MISS HIM. I loved who I thought he was so very much.
I dreamt of him all nite and morning. i dreamnt– and it was at first so therapeutic–
i dreamt that I spoke heart to heart, one on one with his exwife. She understood what I had been thru. She said that she knew he had been taking advantage of me and my severe state of depression–
two mins later– I go into a bedroom– and they were already in bed together-you know– he can even seduce people once they know what he is with his marvelous looks and lies and tales of persecution.
why can’t i call him. Why?????????
Meg,
What your missing DOES NOT EXIST! You cant miss something that is not there. You need to except that, And start Start loving yourself.
Listen to your own words, “If he loved me he would….” He doesn’t love you. He can’t, he has a disease. He’s not capable of admitting it. It’s part of the disease.
Akitameg…
“Please remind me to stay in NC b/c my sick mind thinks I can just pick up the phone and say hello”“ I must be insane.
bu hey”“ it is not normal to have someone loving you one minute and discarding you then next”“”
Don’t call him. He wasn’t real. He wasn’t normal. You answered your own question. He’ll only cause you more pain.
Stay NO CONTACT
You know why. We’ll be pulling for you. Try to distract yourself…exercise, music, talk to a real friend, anything…but don’t call him.
Jim
Guys–
what if I contacted him via internet and pretended to be someone else that knows me– and tried to find out if he misses me or not?
how could that person not exist?
this is so evil.
I could say I am some friend of meg and i am looking for her, blah, blah.
gosh– I have even thought of saying I am her sister or bro and that she has died and get his reaction.
why am I experiencing this?
of course the therapist I have begun seeing– have seen her twice– in on vacation in England.
—
why do I want to call his exwife and feel like it would help me or i could shed light on her/the family about his true nature–
i amreally, really hurting.
Great analogy but what about the animal that isn’t ruled by fear at all? I can’t get my dachshund to stop trying to challenge the pit bulls he encounters!
Meg…
Well, I’ve been lookin’ through my kitchen…no cast iron…but I got a pretty heavy cast aluminum skillet…(((Hugs)))
I can’t wait forever for you to start singing again…why did you stop?
Don’t do it!
Meg,
Do you want to hear more of his lies????Your better than that aren’t you? This IS the best place to be to shed light on this messed up situation. Your talking to right people right here.
Hey Jim–
Let’s see. I stopped singing when began having physical probs of acid reflux.
Then– even when my reflux goes away– it is like something INSIDE OF ME has died. Singing came from my heart. My soul.
I do not feel in touch with it anymore.
maybe it is depression?
and yet– the best thing for me in the past when dealing with depression (had it since age 14) was TO SING.
yeah– I feel like my spirit has died inside and i do not even have the energy to create/to sing.
and the reflux– I have had an endoscopy– nothing apparently wrong.
My gosh– three years ago– before I met him—-
a producer who works with paul McCartney heard me perform i Charleston– he wanted to help me move forward.
My depression and the entire S thing got in the way– and now i feel I can’t even sing anymore–
My voice was an extension of my spirit.
I think since I have literally experienced evil–
something in me can’t rejoice– can’t sing anymore. something died.
singing doesn’t feel good anymore.
some fire was put out.
I wish I could go on Oprah or something. i need help in completely stating over. Miracles.
Lost in AZ– thank you–
i used to live in tucson AZ. Went to U of A. I wish I never left— but wow– my sociopathic, narcissistic father influenced me to leave at the age of 19 and I did.
I have never been the same since I left AZ.
I am lost outside of AZ.
U of A had the best musical theatre program– even better than what I had learned in a school in NYC.
Maybe it is the mountains and saguaros that make singing even better.
Maybe I should go to Sedona and go camp out on the rocks and get healed…..