By Ox Drover
Many of you know that I have a background and interest in animal behavior, and that I look at the way animals behave and apply what I see to my own life.
I have two mammoth (horse-sized) donkeys (correctly called asses) named Fat and Hairy that I frequently talk about on the blog. Someone called them the Lovefraud mascots, because I talk about them so frequently.
I’ve ridden and owned various horses over the years and they are loveable creatures, but really not very bright. They will trust their safety to you without question once they are trained and will do what you tell them to, usually without protest, even if it gets them into a situation where they will be injured or killed. If they sense danger from a sudden loud noise or something else, they will frequently panic, and in their own panic and efforts to flee the supposed danger, they will injure themselves or run blindly directly into the danger.
Asses, on the other hand are quite bright and will never trust their safety to anyone except themselves. Because of this tendency to refuse to budge toward something they don’t personally think is safe, asses have become labeled “stubborn” and “hard headed” and “balky” and “uncooperative.” In fact, it is not the case at all! They are just very very self-protective and cautious. They will never trust their safety to someone they aren’t sure puts their safety as high a priority as they do.
In the wild, or even with some tame horses, if there is danger, a horse will just take off in all directions at once, but if an ass senses danger, he will assess the situation before he does anything. He will decide for himself to flee or fight, and if he decides to flee, he will make sure he is going in the direction away from the danger. Not so the horse.
Asses never panic. They put their own safety as the top priority and they know that panic puts them at a decided disadvantage in taking care of themselves, over having a cool head in a crisis. While a horse will run blindly in panic and fear, the ass will stop some distance away from the perceived threat and turn around to observe if it is necessary to keep on running.
Asses are not cowards and sometimes they feel it is necessary to fight to maintain their safety.They are quite capable fighters, using their teeth and all four feet as formidable weapons. Because of this tendency, they are frequently used as guardian animals for sheep, goats and other prey-type livestock. They will not allow a strange animal in their territory. I even have photos of a mule killing a cougar. (Mules are half-horse, half-ass hybrids, but have more ass characteristics than horse characteristics. They are quite bright and also take their own safety into their own hoofs.)
Even though both asses and their mule offspring have reputations for being stubborn and difficult to deal with, I see their intense consciousness for their own safety and wellbeing as a positive characteristic that we should all emulate.
A while back I was riding Fat Ass on a trail ride and we came around a bend and he saw something new to him and stopped to examine it before proceeding. It was a bright shiny new white fence, in contrast to the barbed wire fences he was familiar with. He observed and sniffed this fence from a safe distance until he decided it was harmless and then proceeded. If I had tried to force him to proceed before he was ready to proceed, he would never have gone. His attention would have been diverted from examining the potential danger to resisting my forcing him. I could have beaten him with an iron rod and he would never have moved. A horse, on the other hand would have said., in essence, “Okay, if you think it is safe and you are going to hit me, I will go on.” Not an ass. They have minds of their own and their own safety is uppermost in their minds, as it should be in ours.
Like a horse, I have left my own safety in the hands of others. I have let them force me into places that were not safe, because of the punishment they inflicted on me if I did not do their will. Instead of keeping my own safety uppermost in my mind, I allowed others to “rein me in” and “spur me on” into unknown dangers. I abdicated my own good sense and let someone else take over the reins.
When I panicked, when I finally did see the danger that I had allowed someone else to lead me into, I “rode off in all directions at once” like a panicked horse, running blindly, sometimes right into the danger itself. I fled sometimes when I should have stood and fought, and fought sometimes when I should have fled, because in my panic I didn’t take time to assess the situation and come to a reasonable decision about what I should do.
When I was injured, I concentrated on the injury itself, rather than taking myself out of danger of further injury as an ass would have done. I begged my abusers to stop beating me. I gave in to their demands that I do something I wasn’t sure about.
If a horse has been injured or mistreated, it may remain in a hyper-vigilant state of high stress and never be able to relax. It may become nervous and anxious all the time if it has been hurt or stalked. After my injuries by the psychopaths, I became the nervous horse, seeing danger behind every tree. Living in stressful terror and “waiting for the other shoe to fall.”
The ass however, does not live in a hyper-vigilant state. The ass is continually alert for danger, but not anxious. He doesn’t blow and snort and dance the way an anxious or nervous horse does. He has confidence in the best protector of his safety, himself.
Yea, I’m working on becoming an A.S.S.—-Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath!
newlife, i can sure identify withyour post and how it is not about us at all. Mine couldn’t even have sex wsa impotent for over 5 years unles of course he could pick up somehtng that he could control i feel, someone drunk , but at least i couldn’t catch anything and having sex for me will be a new experience for sure when it happens. Im glad he couldn’t perform after reading all the posts about how great they wree in bed, mine just was better with the head f*** which makes it just as hard. He’ was alwaasy telling me your just about perfect , i would have blond hair, nice car, good job, decent kids, tin y body, but iplants weren’t big enough at times etc. like he had anything that was big enough. I just couldn’t be wonder woman and you know the one he is with now, or one of them is a poor diabetic who drinks so it’ s not about how good we are it’s about how gulible we are. She thinks he’s wonderful at this point and he knows i know what he is. Still he wants to keep his secondary sources if you allow it. The should be branded. LOSERS
I FORgot to mention what a waste of nice lingerie he was . My decent ex husband never got an ounce of what i tried to impress this idiot with.
KH- how weird, your post stopped me in my tracks, I also have blond hair, petite frame, and MY X said MY implants were’nt big enuf! I said well thats a first to have a COMPLAINT, what u want porno boobs?? Guess he did.
His compliments (few and far between) were more like compliments with a brick- for ex.- He once told me I reminded him of Reese Witherspoon. Then couple of weeks later, he asked me on a car ride -DO you think Reese W. is attractive??? I DON”T. THen half pretended with an evil chuckle that he didnt remember saying I looked like her.
ALSO- I ALWAYS noticed that wearing lingerie was a waste also! HE NEVER even cared or noticed much, I was always puzzled. Truth was HE wanted to be the one on display, and always Star of the show.
I agree with the Sex on demand comment that was made. Never about when I wanted it- he made a point to make me feel like I was too demanding and ridiculed my sex drive, BUT when he wanted it , No negotation, no foreplay, no cuddle time afterwards.
In fact, So strange how he could start an arguement immediately after, as if nothing had happened. NO real intimacy, like he was an acrobat performing-then show over. He was actually turned on MORE when he started a ridiculous argument or hurt my feelings, then he demanded sex during the fight. I knew even then- this is, NOT NORMAL.
If I EVER confided in him a weakness or fear about our relationship- he was sure to act out that fear with his behavior toward me- such as “afraid of him leaving”- Next week or less,
He would get angry and he’d LEAVE. PLANNED TORTURE….
kh- Very funny when you sd. “like anything he had was big enuf.” My S ego was the biggest thing on him- thats so sad…lol. Did u ever experience that “making misery” was his version of foreplay and sadist comments his best aphrodisiac?
Sabrina said: “IT’s Sociopathworld.com REALLY BIZARRE stuff,
Normal people may sense or feel the presence of evil.. It permeates from the P.”
When you guys have time to check into it- lots of info to sift thru- let me know what you think. I said before its good to ’Know Thy Enemy”. THis may be benefical.”
Sabrina, I checked out the blog when you posted the link a few days ago. I spent several hours reading back through his archives. I agree with your “Know Thy Enemy” remark. For me, it was helpful to read sociopath forums and blogs from actual sociopaths to get a handle on how they think.
Also, as some others on this site have posted, I, too, had a negative reaction upon first meeting my P and felt an ominous dark vibe about him. But then later he came on so charming etc. that I discounted it and the rest is history. Interestingly, that is one of the things therapist asked me about, whether i had had any sort of inital bad vibe or reaction to him. She told me that normal people often (but not always) do sense something evil about them. I think some therapist have that same reaction when first encountering a P in their practice (I read that somewhere but can’t remember where now).
Sabrina i remember vividly when he commented on my implants one night as it literally took my breath away. You do something as you want to feel better about yourself(lost tons of weight when my husband and i sep ) and got the implants. I was more concerned at the time with being too big as it was not the look i was goin g for. He said”if you were going to do it, why didn’t you really do it? and i said you can be really damaging. He then proceeded to hug me but the damagae was done. I went on to defend myself by saying that my ex and another guy thought i had a nice body before the implants and i would hav looked like Pamela Anderson. He said “well alot of people like her” and i als o said so you know more than the surgeion as i had left it up to him. I also had a close male friend who had owned two strip clubs and i said “he like the au natural ” look and the moron did not kno w what that meant. It did alot of damage to say the least and i should have been done with him with that alone. I remember going with my fr who owned the clubs to South Beach for a holiday as he had a condo there(we have always been friends, no benefits like bro and sister) and i kept checking out all the women and their breasts and even considered going back and this male friend said stop it, he was trying to tell me that i was fine the way i was. Lately he had been upping the ante with your body is perfect crap because he’s been with everything , small , big , fat , ugly anything that would pay att to him. To be honest i sensed a long time ago that he hated the fact that anything was attractive on me, i remember in the early stages him saying almost in a nasty way “You could have any guy you want” and he has said it recently as well. I think on some level they know they aren’t deserving of us. AS i mentioned mine has not been able to penetrate for lack of better words for years and i was willing to accept his shortcomings (insane loyalty due to Stockholm Syndrome which was diagnosed in Trauma program recently) so i’ve been love starved. Cuddling was all i got and he would still at times be able to climax (they don’t have the same intense ffeeligns so i don’t think they even experience that to the degree we do) but i got literally nothing out of it but the cuddling. How sad. I have a male friend who said he can’t beleive how stupid this guy is to not have tried to please me in other ways. He’s a big Irish brawler, my frined and recently told him but won’t tell me that he’s done enough harm to me and to leave me alone and im afraid to think what he said to him about the sex not that the loser doesn’t deserve it. They just use and abuse whatever gets them excited, it could be anything most are so perverted. Mine hid that entirely from me but im no fool. At least he never demanded oral sex, i think they know our limits. But he was the selfishist man i’ll ever meet. If being selfish could kill, he’d have been dead a long time ago. Oh and i didn’t dress sleasy enoguh he told me early on as well and when i would be lonely and want to go over he’d give me conditions. Dress in a short skirt with a slit(lile they make them anymore) panty hose (fetish for sure) and high heels , not boots. I can’t beleive i did that for approval. One time i got all the guns out, garter, panty hose, bl bra wit diamon d and my fur coat. Stillhe couln’t do anything. I wasn’t sleasy enough i feel. My friend that owned the clubs when i told hi m he said in exact words You’re Making me sick” Why didn’t you come here. He was more concerned the s with doing up o ne of the tabs on the garter(highly ocd) and i thought any red blooded man would have ripped the panty hose off of me. I felt horrible but more sorry for him . I knew i could find someone to find me attractive, what the hell was his problem was what i was thinking. Still didn’t stop me from thinking it was me for a long time and trying to get him attracted to me. I’ve been doing this routine for 6 years and the weirdest thing is this last time i broke the no contact i swear he was more attracted to me prob becasue he has another source that was taking up most of his time(one who by the way is scrawny, no boobs and shoulders like a man). Makes no diff to these types as it’s all about how the woman makes them feel. She thinks he’s wonderful right now, wait till he’s done with her. kh
Maybe he’s a closet gay and hangs with the ladies as a cover. Just a thought.
Jen Jen Jen Gin – you crack me up –
Akitameg,
The sex is never the same. Ah yes. I know what you mean. But let me add this. There is not sexual trick or Big O that is big enough to cancel out the degrading, devaluing, the discarding.
Having been so open and so raw with the Bad Man, it made his devalue and discard all the more painful.
What I have now with Brad is 100 times better because I feel emotionally safe. That is worth much more to me. And besides, the Bad Man had a few tricks but he wasn’t ALL THAT!
From where I stand now, I can’t even imagine ever being intimate with such a jackass like him ever again. Really!
Hang in there and remain NC NC NC… even if he calls you.. Don’t Answer. NC NC NC.
And you new cute guy… sounds like winner to me. Go slow. You might not be ready. When you are still obsessing over a Bad Man, it’s hard to have enough room in your heart for a Good Man.
XO Aloha
What’s the meanig of “TOWANDA”?