UPDATED FOR 2021. Time and time again, when I do personal consultations, people tell me how they struggle to break away from a relationship with a sociopath. It is not your imagination. It’s hard to get away. Let me help you understand why relationships with sociopaths are so addictive.
You know the involvement is bad for you. But even when you’re not forced to interact with the sociopath — you’re not married, don’t have kids with the person and don’t work together — you can’t cut the cord. There are psychological and biological reasons for this, which I’ll explain.
Psychological bond
Any time two human beings enter into a relationship, a psychological love bond forms.
This bond begins early in the relationship because of pleasure. In the beginning, both people are doing their best to attract and impress each other. The new involvement is fun and exciting, which creates the pleasure.
Sociopaths, of course, usually engage in love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection. They’re always calling and texting. They want to be with you all the time. The sociopath makes you feel like the most important and loved person in the world. This intensifies your pleasure.
The relationship seems to be moving ahead at warp speed, and then the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship — disappears, lies, picks a fight. You were once on cloud nine, and now you suddenly feel totally deflated. This creates fear and anxiety.
Now here’s the kicker: Fear and anxiety actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
You want the relationship to go back to how wonderful it was in the beginning. So you ask the sociopath if you can talk. You try to figure out what went wrong. You may even apologize for something you didn’t do.
You get back together with the sociopath, which brings you relief — and strengthens the psychological love bond again.
This becomes a pattern: Pleasure, followed by fear and anxiety, followed by relief, rinse and repeat. It becomes a vicious circle, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological love bond gets tighter and tighter.
Here’s the next kicker: Even if you no longer feel pleasure, the psychological bond is still in place.
Pleasure is required for the bond to form. But the absence of pleasure does not break the bond.
Biological bond
There are also biological reasons why you feel so attached to the sociopath.
When you experience intimacy, the neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. This happens with any type of intimacy — emotional sharing, hugs and especially sex.
Oxytocin is called the “cuddle chemical.” It makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Mother Nature created oxytocin to make parents want to stay together to raise children. It is critical for the survival of the human race.
But, oxytocin also makes you want to stay with someone when you really should leave.
Feelings of love also make the brain produce dopamine. Dopamine is associated with energy, motivation and addiction. In fact, that’s why cocaine makes people feel euphoric — it increases the amount of dopamine in the brain.
Read more: How to recover from the sociopath
There’s more. Sex also causes structural changes in the brain. So if you have sex with a sociopath, your brain changes to adapt to this person. Breaking off the relationship will require undoing all the changes in your brain.
Sociopaths don’t bond
Human beings are social animals, and we need to be able to trust each other and stay together to survive. That’s why these psychological and biological changes take place.
However, sociopaths don’t bond like regular, empathic people do. Some researchers theorize that sociopathic brains don’t have the right receptors for oxytocin.
But they have learned how to pretend to be in a relationship, in order to set you up for exploitation. Sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding process.
Breaking the addiction
Because of these psychological and biological reasons, relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. So when you want to break away from a sociopath, you need to treat it like breaking an addiction.
Here’s what this means.
First: In most cases, you’ll want to go cold turkey when breaking off the relationship. That means you tell sociopath very clearly that it’s over. Here’s what I recommend that you say, which is adapted from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker:
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Do not contact me ever again.
Do not give a reason for breaking up, because a reason gives a sociopath an opportunity to argue with you. You do not want to attempt to negotiate with a sociopath, because the sociopath will usually win.
Breaking up by text is totally acceptable. In fact, it is preferable. If you talk to the sociopath — either by phone or in person — it gives him or her the opportunity to plead, promise, grovel or sweet talk you, which may weaken your resolve. It’s best to send a direct message without giving the sociopath the opportunity to respond.
Second: Once you make it clear that the involvement is over, have No Contact with the sociopath. Here’s more information:
How to implement no contact, on Lovefraud.com
Third: If you’ve ever had to overcome addiction smoking, alcohol, drugs you probably know that the standard advice is to take it one day at a time. That’s exactly what you need to do when detoxing from a sociopath.
Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Then get through the next day. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from any urges to contact the person. The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the more his or her grip on you will dissipate.
If you give in and reach out to the sociopath, or answer when the sociopath contacts you, you’ll be back at square one. You’ll have to start the process all over again.
Many Lovefraud readers have found Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) “Tapping” to be helpful. Stacy Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains in her webinar that emotions are chemicals, and her tapping protocol can break the chemical aspect of your addiction to the sociopath.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Fourth: When you’re feeling the urge to contact the sociopath, visit Lovefraud. Many, many people have told me that they do this. They read the posts and comments on Lovefraud to remind them of why they are leaving.
Like overcoming any addiction, disengaging from a sociopath takes time and willpower. But your emotions, mind, body, spirit and finances will all be healthier away from this person.
Lovefraud originally published this article on November 24, 2014.
In Recovery: Why It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Yes Donna. Thanks to you, I am at work and productive today after a weekend of uncentainty. I was so afraid that I would miss him and respond to his texts but I DID NOT! Afer our converstaion and understanding the reason why I was going back over and over was because of what you talked about here.
I too, like many other targets am in the medical field and understand this process of hormones and addiction.
One day at a time!
I feel so good today!
Great post Donna. After almost a year after being discarded i struggle still. I was fortunate enough to talk with you and get some suggestions. My ex is such a liar and i see now how he love bombed me. . And is doing it to his new supply
stronginthecity – Good for you! Yes, speaking to you inspired me to write this article. It really helps to understand the biology and psychology of the addiction. At least people who are trying to detach can understand why it’s so difficult.
Yes, the understanding is truly the key. I am definatly having a good day! I feel empowered. One day at a time.
If anyone has been following my comments here, this is the second time I was involved with the same spath.
The first time was 2006, after a 9 month whirlwind romance he dissapeared without an explanation only to return into my life in 2/2013 so as Donna has mentioned they do go back to the previous sources of supply.
Be strong!
Week 4 of no contact and as predicted, the day before Thanksgiving the text messages started… I DID NOT REPLY, deleted my Facebook and did not tell anyone what I am doing for the holiday. I spent the day baking and taking care of myself.
I am feeling stronger everyday, reading here and everything else I can get my hands on. So helpful. I am finding me and not worrying about him.
I had no trouble when it all hit me…that last year of high school. When it became evident, I dove in and ‘took over’ the conversation (over the phone). The spath (another girl) actually agreed with most of what I said. She acknowledged the jealousy and wrath she had felt. But then she went right on with the conversation as if nothing bad had ‘gone down’. She still wanted me to have her new phone number, which I pretended to write down.
I never contacted her again. Five years after the break-off, she called (and I figured it out…it was our high school fifth reunion and she was trying to find a out if I was going) but she did not get far. I cut her off, and in fact, I maneuvered her into saying, ‘You don’t have to talk to me…I’ll hang up’ (and of course that was her way of getting me to say, ‘no, let’s talk’) but my response was, ‘Why don’t you do that?’ (in other words, good idea…hang up).
At first I was not sure of how I felt…my sister reassured me that was a great response. She said, ‘She was hoping you would get all remorseful and sentimental, and turn into her puppet again.’ Good sisterly advice.
I went outside and shot a few into the basketball net…trying to figure out my emotions. As time went by, I became more and more proud of how I handled her. The master manipulator had been manipulated. Touche. Still proud of that moment.
I’m so happy to see Donna focusing on the science of relationships!
I have long held the position that when people understand the chemical mechanics of romantic addiction, it makes it easier to cut the chord. They can grasp the need to exercise will power as in going on a diet or refraining from a drink.
When we address our decisions by our “emotional”, felt responses alone, we’re reacting to the chemicals Mother Nature put in our brain to cleave us to our lover. They are a very powerful, and in the case of a relationship with a psychopath, very toxic glue.
When we drink alcohol, it makes our brain feel a certain way. Abstention makes us crave the way we felt to an even stronger degree. Unless people know the chemistry behind their craving, they are susceptible to relapse. In romantic relations, that means attempting to forgive the unforgivable and questioning our decision to leave the relationship behind.
There is yet another strong bond that forms, beyond oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. It’s called a “misatribution effect.”
When people experience trauma, their adrenaline starts pumping. Going through a traumatic event makes us bond with people we share this circumstance with. For instance, many a relationship was forged on the roller coaster at the county fair. If the couple wasn’t holding hands when they embarked, they were likely to be when the ride ended.
As you go through the roller coaster of a relationship with an offender, even though they have caused you harm, you can feel more bonded to them.
Once you recognize that the person is devoid of emotional empathy, getting away from them is the only way to regain your life. They will not change. They are wired that way. And putting yourself back onto their pathway only puts you in a position of being kicked down the road again.
Unfortunately, victims who parent with these miscreants will have a lifetime of toxic behaviors to deal with. Do everything you can to build the oxytocin receptors in your child’s brain, early-on, because they are especially at-risk for developing without emotional empathy.
And try to minimize your own personal interaction with the other parent to the greatest extent possible. When you do so, be cognizant of the chemical pulls that could cause you to feel drawn back toward their appeal. Be sure to retain sight of the harm you were dealt and live in reality. While they can exude the charm that appealed to you initially, they are toxic at their core. Stay smart.
My relationship with my 6 family psychotics began strangely different; there was never any “love bombing”. In the beginning, there was the natural sex but after that short period, I recall years of crying myself to sleep, wanting any sort of show of affection. 23 years into this marriage, it took Child Protective Services intervention before I sadly filed for divorce. This was followed by decades of working minimum wage jobs while raising my remaining 3 small boys alone. I was so proud to release them to the world as wonderful human beings (one is now even a pediatrician!) However, the sleeping genes took hold until in 2011, they threatened me with committal! My attorney (who was the only one I could turn to) laughed hysterically and advised I go NC with all of them. There was no initial love-bombing, just my integrity, devotion and faithfulness to family which blinded me to accepting the horrible truth. As my 50+ daughter said to me, “it’s a shame when principle becomes more powerful than love.” But at last, I have my integrity back and can look at “The Man In The Glass” and feel good again. No more consternation or draining thoughts, all the pieces now fit so neatly into the puzzle.
These are the posts I must read again and again. Too helpful for words. My mother was a verbal torturer and so I expected no more from the man I married. Even after many years I would obsess: “what did he mean when he said I’ was not the kind of woman he could be attracted too? ” What he meant was, I “feel disdain and contempt and it’s all your fault”. Imagine, I was addicted to rat poisoning! I actually pretended to myself that my husband was simply trying to confuse me. Is this merely addiction, or severe psychopathology on my part? Probably numbing of all that might have been called “judgement”. Thank you, Kalina
I have three children. Two, a girl and a boy, totally lack empathy. I did adopt them in infancy and wanted children very badly. My third has empathy enough for all of us! He was my biological child. Nevertheless, each came from a home rich in opportunity. I would say, they were the children of privilege. All three were perfect on the outside. Sociable, charming, popular, intellectually a bit above, but not by much, average. No alcohol or drug abuse. Only in their late teens did I discover the sociopathy in my adopted son and daughter. I have found them to be liars and deceivers and users. I do not blame myself completely. I do, however, take responsibility for not protecting them from their terribly toxic father. Father was a consistent manipulator. I know they watched for years, his subtle and not so subtle disdain for me. Pretending socially he cared for me. He showered me with gifts and celebrations. These were tokens of deceit, I later learned. Cheating for 12 years with my friend. I have broken off contact with my 2 sociopathic children. The first left me with a totally broken heart. Ten years to barely recover from the trauma of discovery and separation. Certainly, the consequences of my addiction to the pretense of a loving marriage. I believe I deserved what I got! Self deception has it’s consequences. Currently, I have severed my relationship with my daughter. She is not the kind of daughter I thought I had. I am forgiving myself and moving on. However, the insight and depth of understanding I now enjoy have offset some of the pain. My regards to you all. I hope my journey is helpful in some way. Kalina
Donna, you have written an excellent explanation of what happens to us. I hope those who are still in a destructive relationship print it out and carry it with them at all times.
Throughout a 7 year relationship, my ex discarded me on a regular basis”generally one “big” one every couple of years (over a week to over two months once) and several smaller ones a year (from a day to a few days). When the first big discard happened, I felt like I was going crazy and did and said things that were so much out of character for me I cringe to this day. I had never heard of these concepts at this time and realize now that I was acting out of pure, desperate addiction. After that time, it was always him who made the first move after the discard, using a variety of tricks from acting like there had been no discard at all to “counseling” me on how to better serve him so that it didn’t happen again. I always did what it took at make it right, accepting all the responsibility, even when I knew for sure it wasn’t me at all.
I handled the last “interim” discard differently”instead of getting on my knees, literally and metaphorically, I took a step back and said, we’ll see. His behavior became increasingly erratic and scary and I took a break by leaving town for a week and refusing to have any contact with him when I returned. He eventually wore me down with many words and promises I had been longing to hear and it was then that we moved forward toward more commitment which effective set me up for him to pull the rug out from under my entire life within less than a year.
I was the classic target – I had a successful life and was very happy and had a lot to lose. I was a kind, loving, empathetic person. I trusted that people were good. I believed that he was being honest with me. He hated, yet wanted, everything that I was, and he set out to use it, and then destroy it.
The red flags were EVERYWHERE with him, but I didn’t recognize them. I bought his stories (rough life, crazy ex wife, hard luck, whatever) and excused his bad behavior. With these monsters, the names, faces and precise words are all different, but the theme and results are identical. The education you provide here is nothing short of lifesaving.
Once we know what “something” is called, we are no longer afraid. Thanks for sharing, HanaleMoon! Kalina