UPDATED FOR 2021. Time and time again, when I do personal consultations, people tell me how they struggle to break away from a relationship with a sociopath. It is not your imagination. It’s hard to get away. Let me help you understand why relationships with sociopaths are so addictive.
You know the involvement is bad for you. But even when you’re not forced to interact with the sociopath — you’re not married, don’t have kids with the person and don’t work together — you can’t cut the cord. There are psychological and biological reasons for this, which I’ll explain.
Psychological bond
Any time two human beings enter into a relationship, a psychological love bond forms.
This bond begins early in the relationship because of pleasure. In the beginning, both people are doing their best to attract and impress each other. The new involvement is fun and exciting, which creates the pleasure.
Sociopaths, of course, usually engage in love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection. They’re always calling and texting. They want to be with you all the time. The sociopath makes you feel like the most important and loved person in the world. This intensifies your pleasure.
The relationship seems to be moving ahead at warp speed, and then the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship — disappears, lies, picks a fight. You were once on cloud nine, and now you suddenly feel totally deflated. This creates fear and anxiety.
Now here’s the kicker: Fear and anxiety actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
You want the relationship to go back to how wonderful it was in the beginning. So you ask the sociopath if you can talk. You try to figure out what went wrong. You may even apologize for something you didn’t do.
You get back together with the sociopath, which brings you relief — and strengthens the psychological love bond again.
This becomes a pattern: Pleasure, followed by fear and anxiety, followed by relief, rinse and repeat. It becomes a vicious circle, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological love bond gets tighter and tighter.
Here’s the next kicker: Even if you no longer feel pleasure, the psychological bond is still in place.
Pleasure is required for the bond to form. But the absence of pleasure does not break the bond.
Biological bond
There are also biological reasons why you feel so attached to the sociopath.
When you experience intimacy, the neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. This happens with any type of intimacy — emotional sharing, hugs and especially sex.
Oxytocin is called the “cuddle chemical.” It makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Mother Nature created oxytocin to make parents want to stay together to raise children. It is critical for the survival of the human race.
But, oxytocin also makes you want to stay with someone when you really should leave.
Feelings of love also make the brain produce dopamine. Dopamine is associated with energy, motivation and addiction. In fact, that’s why cocaine makes people feel euphoric — it increases the amount of dopamine in the brain.
Read more: How to recover from the sociopath
There’s more. Sex also causes structural changes in the brain. So if you have sex with a sociopath, your brain changes to adapt to this person. Breaking off the relationship will require undoing all the changes in your brain.
Sociopaths don’t bond
Human beings are social animals, and we need to be able to trust each other and stay together to survive. That’s why these psychological and biological changes take place.
However, sociopaths don’t bond like regular, empathic people do. Some researchers theorize that sociopathic brains don’t have the right receptors for oxytocin.
But they have learned how to pretend to be in a relationship, in order to set you up for exploitation. Sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding process.
Breaking the addiction
Because of these psychological and biological reasons, relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. So when you want to break away from a sociopath, you need to treat it like breaking an addiction.
Here’s what this means.
First: In most cases, you’ll want to go cold turkey when breaking off the relationship. That means you tell sociopath very clearly that it’s over. Here’s what I recommend that you say, which is adapted from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker:
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Do not contact me ever again.
Do not give a reason for breaking up, because a reason gives a sociopath an opportunity to argue with you. You do not want to attempt to negotiate with a sociopath, because the sociopath will usually win.
Breaking up by text is totally acceptable. In fact, it is preferable. If you talk to the sociopath — either by phone or in person — it gives him or her the opportunity to plead, promise, grovel or sweet talk you, which may weaken your resolve. It’s best to send a direct message without giving the sociopath the opportunity to respond.
Second: Once you make it clear that the involvement is over, have No Contact with the sociopath. Here’s more information:
How to implement no contact, on Lovefraud.com
Third: If you’ve ever had to overcome addiction smoking, alcohol, drugs you probably know that the standard advice is to take it one day at a time. That’s exactly what you need to do when detoxing from a sociopath.
Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Then get through the next day. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from any urges to contact the person. The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the more his or her grip on you will dissipate.
If you give in and reach out to the sociopath, or answer when the sociopath contacts you, you’ll be back at square one. You’ll have to start the process all over again.
Many Lovefraud readers have found Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) “Tapping” to be helpful. Stacy Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains in her webinar that emotions are chemicals, and her tapping protocol can break the chemical aspect of your addiction to the sociopath.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Fourth: When you’re feeling the urge to contact the sociopath, visit Lovefraud. Many, many people have told me that they do this. They read the posts and comments on Lovefraud to remind them of why they are leaving.
Like overcoming any addiction, disengaging from a sociopath takes time and willpower. But your emotions, mind, body, spirit and finances will all be healthier away from this person.
Lovefraud originally published this article on November 24, 2014.
In Recovery: Why It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
I can so relate to the addiction side of this, even having told my girlfriend recently that I am addicted to my ex husband, but things are changing, I’ve started to notice how much better I feel when I’m not with him, when he’s done something that puts me back into a state of separation (we have been living apart for months but he’s tried every trick in the book to win me back)
It was only 2days ago that his eyes turned as black as coal, narrowed and he started spitting his words at me – again! This time I was able to recall all the statements he’d made, I wasn’t in the same state of confusion, just fear and needed to get away.
Today I’ve become aware of how my brain feels after 2days of clarity and freedom from the addiction. My brain doesn’t feel heavy anymore, I’m alert and calmer than I’ve been in years. I know the fight for asset splitting is still to come but I’m ready now. Removing the addiction gives you clarity but most importantly, gives you back control over your life and how you feel ★
There is probably a cumulative effect of trauma on the brain. Our personalities get worn out, like battle fatigue. I recently heard about moral wounding and it’s consequences for long term recovery. We are much more fragile inside than I imagined. I treated myself too harshly over the years, paid a heavy toll on my sanity. Please do not stay even one minute longer in a toxic relationship than you absolutely must. Time really DOES matter. The longer I stayed, the sicker I got, the harder I fell, and the longer it took for me to recover. Kalina
It’s taken me years to figure out why my dating n engagement was heaven on earth, but once married, the nasty words started, the humiliation in public n particularly in front of his adult son started. The 1st major incident to happen was whilst he was standing beside his son at a christening celebration as I was dancing he came up behind me n purrs a beer over my head accusing me of having my hand down a mans pants …. OMG…disgusting. What a total shock n blow that was. Now years of wondering what on earth did I marry. Feeling that he really only needed a blow up doll because he only thinks n cares about his needs. Mine are totally irrelevant. For the past 6 mths I have totally been aware after much research that I in fact am married to a spath. Initially I was devasted. I immediately stopped all intimacy. He no doubt thought it was temporary “again”… But no, it’s permanent. I have been organising my escape this whole time n he appears to have no clue. No doubt because he thinks he still has me hooked somehow. Sometimes I question myself as it is my comfort zone n feel fear of the unknown once I remove myself BUT the minute he opens his mouth .. Bang… There it is again. Only 2 1/2 weeks ta go. Hallejuah! I don’t know who I’ll be out there in the world but one thing is for sure.. I’m free of absolute mental chaos. I don’t believe that I could ever believe another word from his mouth so here’s hoping I can find the security within myself to stay strong long after. I will definately be regularly logging in to Lovefraud. This site has been my saviour. Thank you so much.
Icandothis, you are in a potentially dangerous time. Reading your words I recalled the day I began making plans to leave. I had a new air about, a confidence. It was notices and as I was told may have contributed to the last assault which was the worst. Just a word of caution to not act with confidence around him or any way that is different from what he is used to or he will pick up on it. He may not know what is going on, but he will be in a state of unease and spaths don’t like that feelings and will act to restore feeling of control, which they define as peace. Best of luck, I wish somebody had warnede about the danger of that period of time when you detach from him as being dangerous. I have lifelong injuries. God bless it goes a smoothly for you 🙂
Thank you so much for your reply and insight Salvation2012 🙂 I feel that you concreted what is concerning me. I am so close but my gut is telling me today that this is not going to be smooth if I don’t play this right. He is and always has been a mystery. When he blows… there is no lead up.. it’s always a shock. I had a visit today from his daughter inlaw which continues to state that she does not like him. I half believe her…. so I am cautious…. but she did repeat her words today… they were “he acts dumb but believe me, he’s a very smart man”. Omg…. back to feeling that fear again. If he was predictable…. I wouldn’t worry. He’s absolutely not predictable. If money wasn’t an option, I’d be gone. Knowing exactly what he is of late… I don’t doubt anything….. which solidifies any fear I have ever felt. Getting out of here safely is certainly a job.
Hi Icandothis,
You should be so proud of yourself”your mind has woken up & you are planning your exit. Every powerful place to be !!
Like salvation2012 states the most dangerous time in a abusive relationship is when the woman is about to leave or leaves.
For this reason I would highly recommend that you call your countries National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with a free counselor 24/7 365 days including holidays and to get your local abuse center phone numbers in the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE they will be able to give you your local abuse center numbers. Your local abuse center has free counseling and free woman group meetings that you should go to NOW but most importantly they can help you with your “EXIT PLAN” out to this abusive relationship. Google “Domestic abuse Exit Plan”, “Dr PHil exit plan you tube”, “domestic abuse exit plan you tube” be sure to clear your computer history to stay safe.
The one of the important thing for you to do is get a restraining order prior the day you leave and have it served on the day you leave. Your local abuse center can help you with this NOW. DONT feel sorry for him about this step, protect yourself”you also need the courts to know that he is dangerous this will also help in your divorce. This will help you with a settlement more in your favor.
Once you leave and you start the divorce processes get the court to mandate a “mental evaluation” on him right from the beginning. The facebook page One moms battle can help you with this. See also Onemomsbattle. com and her books. If you dont have a facebook page/or you do open a fake email account then open a fake facebook page so that you can chat freely without your abuse or his family/friends seeing what you are posting. see also facebook page psychopath free & after narcissistic abuse.
Please remember you are NOT alone!! Keep reaching out for help. The second thing to remember is follow your gut!! Dont waver from your gut reactions”this “daughter in law” may not be trust worthy because you state you “half believe her—listen to your gut dont believe her keep your poker hand close to your chest and only tell people you trust the most, this may only be the people at your local abuse center (for now). Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut and his book is Gift of Fear a must read for every woman.
To help now with the stress you are under you should get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD which most woman leaving an abusive relationship have (PTSD). To find a hormonal doctor google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors and/or ask your friends. Getting your body balanced with also balance your thinking again from all the stress you have been under for so long. This is the missing link for healing from domestic abuse. See sites like adrenalfatigue. org take the quiz on the site/read/see symptoms list, drlam. com see symptoms list, mialundin. com read her book.
Wishing you all the best! Take care
Thank you, thank you, thank you. After getting involved with a sociopath, I have beaten myself up for months. If I’m not doing it, other people are… I knew the spath wasn’t good, but I stayed anyway. There was no sex, but when he put his arms around me at night, it seemed to be all I needed. He called it comfy. I write about it in my book, Entangled. Someone wrote a review recently that had me so depressed, I was tempted to trash the book and put it behind me. She said, The author draws some empathy for her naivete — married 30 years, she had no idea guys like this existed. But after the 50 millionth time he uses the word “comfy” like “Abracadabra” and Natalie opens her checkbook, well, I lost sympathy. First you’re a victim, then you’re a volunteer.
Thanks to you, I know there is a reason now. I’m going to group therapy because since I’ve been reading your blog, I’ve discovered (da!) I am a co-dependent. I’m working through my issues, though.
I agree that the relationships with sociopaths get addictive. I witnessed this with my own daughter. She broke off her relationship with one after 5 years only to reengage with him 2 years later. It did not end well—after another 10 plus years of enduring his cheating and lies—she had to endure a 2 year divorce battle. One would ask why a man who treated his wife with derision would battle it out in court . . . we found that the answer was CONTROL and the spotlight. For the sociopath, it’s all about controlling everyone—and to have the spotlight upon them is a bonus!
With that in mind, I have a question for Donna . . .
The closer my daughter got to the divorce, and as her EX had less and less control over her—the sociopath/Ex changed his tactic.
Since he had limited ways to torture my daughter (his Ex-wife)he began mistreating and neglecting their older daughter.
For example . . . At his home—she was forced to share her room with his adulteress’ teenaged daughter (who shows signs of being a sociopath in the making.) She was not given ANY new clothing, even after she literally outgrew everything. She would arrive after a visit there in rags—while her younger sister would come back in a new outfit each week. The older child had food allergies to gluten and dairy. If her father came for a mid-week dinner-time visit—he would bring the adulteress’ daughter, and THEY would pick the restaurant. Inevitably, it would be something like pizza or pancakes, so that they could stuff their faces, while torturing her by making her watch them eat while she got a “side salad.” While at their house, he would tempt her with doughnuts, knowing full well that eating them would cause an outbreak of her allergies.
When the little girl quite innocently revealed some of her sociopath father’s lies,and he found out— he became angry, and told the child that he”could no longer trust her!” (How do you speak about trust while lying to your child?) This threw her for a complete loop . . . she did not know what to think because of being told conflicting things. Her mother would say, “Always tell the truth.” Her father would say, “Don’t tell your mother anything!”
I believe that he is targeting his daughter with this mistreatment in an attempt to torture her mother vicariously.
So my question for Donna is . . . how often do sociopath ex-husbands torture their children in order to torment their ex-wives? How does the responsible loving parent counteract this behavior?
The child is getting old enough to begin to see the pattern of her father’s abuse, but it is difficult for her to accept because she is a normal loving person. The child is scheduled to soon begin to receive counseling again in an attempt to help her cope.
How does the normal parent help the child endure this treatment?
It is very frustrating, especially in light of the fact that the court system tends to view the parents as equals, and does not take this mistreatment into account when setting up visitation rights.
Therefore, the child is left defenseless.
Any advice would be appreciated, as I am sure that we are far from being the only family with what seems to be this “Cinderella syndrome.”
Thanks—your advice is always on target.
4my daughter – it is quite common for sociopaths to mistreat the kids in order to get back at the ex. Keep in mind, to sociopaths, children are nothing but pawns to use in their games.
About how to cope – I recommend you read the articles by Quinn Pierce and HG Beverly here on Lovefraud – they both deal with this situation.
4mydaughter
I find your term “Cinderella Syndrome” very validating.
I grew up in an awful family. About 3rd grade, I realized I was different than ALL my siblings. I could read, think, reason, feel, was aware, could organize. I didn’t understand why we were different at that time, but it wasn’t just intelligence, it was how they acted towards others. My mother told me I was the one she wished she never had. I was an outsider, unwanted, shunned.
As the responsible child, I was the family drudge. I cleaned, I cooked (only one who didn’t burn the food). But there was no appreciation, no gratitude. They were angry with me, thought I was a show off because I DID the work.
For years I shamed myself for feeling like Cinderella. I had seen the fairytale. No I did not think myself pretty, but I loved our animals, loved taking care of them. The chores were hard, but I found pleasure in seeing accomplishment, seeing the work done. But it was a weird feeling, thinking I seemed similar to Cinderella.
But that was very much what my role was in my family. I was the scapegoat, and punished for being responsible and capable and intelligent. I tried so hard to get their approval. Nothing worked. After high school, after a Christmas where I bought all these gifts for them and instead of thank you, they complained, I left home that day, returned to my little room in the city, and focused on my job and my friends. My Cinderella days were over, until I married a sociopath.
Excellent article. It is always a bit unnerving to read an explanation with such clarity describing “my former life.” Thanks.
I am just recently out of a year and half long relationship with a narcissist, 2 weeks on thanksgiving. This website and the posts have really helped put things into a better perspective. This is my first break with him that has lasted longer then a few days. I never quite understood throughout the whole relationship, why in my head i knew i should run, and for some reason my emotions just wouldnt comply. I would leave over and over only to be reeled back with empty promises and confessions of love and false apologies. Things would be perfect for a week, 2 days, a day.. at the end it was hours.. minutes. At the end his mask started slipping more and more, he started saying things to me, that didnt make any sense. No one could possible really think or feel that way. Once while watching dexter, he told me he can relate to him so much. Ding Ding Ding.. this opened me up to weeks of researching sociopathic and narcissistic behaviors. Once i knew what he was doing to me, it made it so much easier to become cold inside and i did finally leave. But what i need to know is how do you process this? how do you accept that for that many months, years, days.. it was all fake? How can you be addicted to someone that only desires to bring you pain and suffering? how can you love someone that doesnt even hold the capacity to reciprocate your feelings? Whats wrong with me that i would allow this behavior and continue to return to it over and over again. Nagging, begging, crying, pleading, bargaining, fighting, screaming, questioning my own sanity. My family and friends thought i was losing my mind, and all for what?
lostandbroken, what you have written articulated so well how I felt during my relationship with my ex that it is like you were inside my head. I also knew in my head I should run, and my emotions wouldn’t let me. Things would be perfect for a week, 2 days, a day”at the end it was hours”minutes – that is exactly how it was for me. We were together a total of 7 years. In my case, I only left once, it was always him discarding me and then reeling me back in. After the cruelest and longest discard (almost 3 months), he appeared at my door on Thanksgiving morning 2009, just about the time I had started to feel normal again and reeled me back in with the most emotionally manipulative lies I had heard yet. Of course I didn’t know they were lies then. Allowing him back into my life set me up for a roller coaster ride that ended in a final discard that left me emotionally and financially destroyed in under 18 months.
It is eerie that you mention Dexter. I have never seen Dexter, the premise repulsed me, but he was a big fan. He told me that he had set the theme music as my ringtone on his phone. Creepy.
Joyce is exactly right that you shouldn’t beat yourself up, you did exactly what you were supposed to do. I didn’t have Lovefraud at the time of the final discard, but within a few months I was working with a therapist that told me exactly these words and more and they saved my sanity.
It has been a little over 3 years now since that final discard and although I’m still working to get my life back on track financially, socially and with my career (his destruction was very thorough), I no longer think of him, the relationship or the specifics of what happened other than in passing or for reasons of increasing and maintaining my personal strength and mental health.
You ask how you process this. The first thing is to maintain no contact. You figured it out way quicker than I did and you’re armed with great information and support. Focus on yourself and your well being. Give yourself time”then give yourself more time. If you find yourself unable to stop beating yourself up, go to a therapist for support. I promise you that even though it doesn’t seem like it (it sure didn’t to me), and the path will seem super slow or full of switchbacks, that it will get better. Spending time in normal environments with normal people, for me, is the best medicine. I spent the first 4 to 6 months after the final discard obsessively thinking about it and then I hit a wall and realized I wasn’t doing myself any good. At that point, I really started hearing my therapists words and the obsessive thinking was gradually replaced with just living my new life (tenuous as it was) and in time, I found I was processing it without making an effort to do so.
Stay strong!
Thank u so much for your response.. I’m so grateful to have a place to go that people understand what it is like. I have no one that can understand why I allowed this to happen or why I was willing to lose so much for someone thatntreated me so poorly. I guess I can understand that though because I can’t understand how I allowed this. Tomorrow is one full month of no contact… I feel free… But broken. It’s funny u mentioned the roller coaster… Because that’s how I always refered to my relationship… He always kept me anxiety ridden and on alert. Just when things looked like they were settling down finally… He would start the roller coaster all over again.
I’m thankful to hear all of these stories of people including ur self.. That found a way to move forward and break this cycle.
I’m worried I won’t ever trust anyone again.. Or worse.. That I will and this will happen with someone else.
Any advice u have or even steps u took to work through this, would be greatly appreciated. My biggest concern is that I don’t resent him.. I’m angry with myself. Im so confused and I’m guessing it’s a self defense mechanism, but I’ve already begun to shade out how bad it was.. I feel like I need to remember the negative in order to stay motivated and continue no contact.. At the same time I wish I could erase it all and pretend it wasn’t real for me the way it wasn’t real for him…
LostAndBroken-
You were behaving exactly as Mother Nature programmed you to behave. And Character Disordered jerks play into that brain chemistry.
Our neurotransmitters create the emotional bonding that keeps us attached with someone. It was not put there to cleave you to a psychopath. I doubt that Mother Nature considered that a portion of society when she formed blueprints for mankind.
You fell in love. Your reactions were driven by your brain chemistry and the code of conduct that made you feel obligated to forgive.
Predators are deceitful. We physically desire to restore the brain chemistry that makes us feel love and bonded. When bad things happen, we feel compelled to get past them and back to a “loved” state. We continue to do so over and over until we are hit over the head with a two by four and realize there is something very wrong.
Don’t beat yourself up. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. And you will be careful the next time because you now know that emotional predators exist.
Joyce
I would like to comment on the process of healing as it related to me. After fifteen years of almost “no contact”, I still rely on one simple mantra. Sharing this with you gives me great pleasure as it provides the frame of mind I now bring to all my relationships. It goes like this, “In a remarkable sweetness of mutual kindness we were inquiring amongst ourselves in the presence of the Truth”. I found this in St. Augustine’s, “confessions”. This was written in response to the immorality and decadence of the Roman Empire, around, 400A.D. Augustine urged his fellow Christians to, “wipe the dirt off and get out of the arena”. I have been quoting Augustine to myself for years. Repeating what he says and instilling a new frame of reference into my social engagement system. As many people on this site probably know, we were conditioned to be “pleaders”. Mutuality and reciprocity in living were not familiar to my brain. Instead I learned to focus on what others thought of me. I internalized the negative messages without question. I saw others the way they conditioned me to see them. No mind of my own until I learned about dignity from my research. St.Augustine was one of my teachers. I hope this comment is helpful. Thank you, Kalina.
HELP! I am in need of some support…
Just received a text from him saying “I am very sick and can I help him”.
AHHHHHH
Thats my problem fixing everyone else stuff instead of my own.
Comments please I WANT TO TEXT BACK- I HAVE BEEN ON NO CONTACT
Stronginthecity – it is a typical sociopath ploy. Probably total BS as well. Do not respond, and block his texts.
ERRR.. I replied . “Whats wrong” – He knows I am a codependent nightmare.
I told him “you know what to do, go to the ER” I texted from my Google Phone # Eye roll to myself like it matters .
Response from him “sorry to have bothered you”.
I have to go back to square one again… hopefully I will fly right past that.
I am blocking everything right now.
stronginthecity, you are not a codependent nightmare, you are STRONG! That “sorry to have bothered you” was custom made to get a response from you!
Good for you for blocking him! You can’t analyze, obsess about, or respond to something you didn’t get! La la la la (fingers in ears).
Good job!
unbelievably insightful, well written and helpful article.
Thank you Donna!
kalina, what a great comment! “I saw others the way they conditioned me to see them” – that described me completely in my relationship with my ex – never again!
THIS is embarrassing and I am trying to use my rational mind here……. but…
the sex between myself and my narc…. was beyond anything I ever had or ever will experience. for many reasons… one being purely the fact that our bodies were a PERFECT MATCH. I am tall. he is very tall and very large. his body… amazing. OMG.
we were unbelievably intimate. He knows all about me. we talked about love during sex. we shared and did fantasies. he knows all about me in this area. he said he never wanted to be with another person again. I felt the same way.
so… he is most likely already having sex with other women… b/c that is what he did the first time he left me…again… b.c of my phone.
he had sex with about four women in one week…
then came back to me crying… that that was not what he really wanted. He LOVED me.
How do I get over the sex part? I get soooo depressed knowing I will never have sex with him again… or anyone that size…
and that he is with or will be with other women….
then again….
who cares! anyone who has sex with him will also have to deal with a sociopath. with tons of debt. lying. stonewalling. manipulating… and phone obsession. why the hell do I care about sex and why is that the most difficult part?
I guess b/c it is a way in which I bond. it’s a way humans bond.
I feel that I will never ever ever want to have sex again. I am pretty positive of it. even thinking of it makes me very very sad and even sick to my stomach.
can someone comment or help me out on this?
part of my brain is saying…. oh this is hopeless… you lost the best sex possible on this earth… you will never have sex like you did wth him again…. that’s one reason so many women were still after him… ones that he had slept with…
one part of my brain says…. get over it. a healthy relationship…. maybe with not such amazing… outer body experience sex…. would be even better. Oh… this is the worst part.
I would never hurt myself. ever. I am not suicidal…. but the pain of losing the best sex of my life…. with such a good looking man…. who knew me in and out and said he loved me all day long…. sometimes I am not so sure I can survive this…. no joke. I’d rather lose an arm or leg or 30 years of my life.
thanks for listening to me all day.
Kitty-
You didn’t lose the best sex you’ll ever have. You lost the best sex you ever HAD.
There are folks who know how to elevate our oxytocin levels during sex. They may not know it intellectually, but they know it instinctively. They are able to create a heightened sense of pleasure It doesn’t make them good people, just accomplished sexual partners.
Oxytocin raises our level of attachment to people and is produced, in abundance, during sex. It’s an especially difficult bond to break. But once you realize your attachment is a “chemical reaction,” like drinking alcohol, or taking drugs, it’s easier to put into perspective.
Once you can open yourself up to another relationship, you can experience a similar bond. They may not do everything the way he did, but there could be other experiences that you could value even more.
This guy seems like a sex addict. He has the sex game figured out pretty well and knows what stimulates a woman to keep his supply up. You can take whatever sexual performance concepts you learned from him, and put them in practice with the nice, sweet, loving, caring guy you meet. That way, he’ll really be the perfect lover.
Joyce
Kitty,
Please don’t be embarrassed by this.
I feel EXACTLY the same way.
The chemistry, the smell, the sex, amazing.
The best I ever had”but as jm-short said” apply this to another relationship, when you are ready and I’m sure that you will be just fine especially knowing for sure that he has been with other women.
I never actually “caught mine in the act” and he still proclaims that he never cheated on me.
I want so badly to believe him because as you said the thought of him being with another woman drives me crazy, that sick feeling in the stomach is known very well to me.
I had a setback this weekend and saw him” I missed having sex with him desperately. I needed my fix.
I made it very clear to him that this does not mean we were getting back together.
I know he wants to”I feel strong. I don’t feel like I am throwing all of my hard work down the drain.
I had a setback and I will go forward and stay strong. You too”. When you are ready, start dating. Now that you have had great sex with him, use all you learned from him and “apply”!!!!! that elsewhere!
Stronginthecity
We’ve all been weak, I’m still weak yet wise-up enough to know what really is going on…
I’ve been back, several times but only for dates and my fix. He still sets my alarm bells off and more often than not, I leave in a state of confusion, this I’m aware of…
Be gentle on yourself because it’s not forever, one day you’ll move on and start a whole new chapter of your life but in the meantime it’s ok to miss the illusion.
kittylover, I had the best sex of my life with my ex too. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was making sure of it – to get me hooked so he could control me with it, abuse me with it, manipulate me with it, use it against me. I opened myself up to him like I had never opened myself up to another person in my life, and he used it to destroy me.
I haven’t had sex with anyone (hell, I haven’t had coffee with anyone) since he discarded me over 3 years ago, and don’t know when I will, but I figure it will happen someday. I have enough perspective to know now that that wasn’t the best sex of my life, it was all a lie, an illusion, a manipulation, just like the rest of the relationship (which was the best of my life too). The reality is, sex with my ex could be just as awful as it was amazing, according to his whim and plans for me for that moment. They are amazing when it suits their purpose and just the opposite when it doesn’t (or their purpose is different). It wasn’t the best sex possible on this earth – they just make you think it is.
You WILL survive. Believe me, you wouldn’t rather lose an arm or a leg or 30 years of your life, even if you never have sex again with anyone but yourself.
Hannalai
Good point! If you search your history of sex with the spath then you’ll realise that half of it wasn’t that great. Thanks for the reminder! He used it to hook me back in, only when he thought he was losing me, the rest felt like it was an obligation because he was getting it with so many other people!
undertheradar, at certain points, my ex stopped wanting to do certain things sexually that had always been a part of the program. It seemed weird that he wanted it so bad before and then…I didn’t figure it out until later that it was because he was doing them with multiple others! Of course, when he “cut me off”, he always had a reason that made it my fault. I spent endless time feeling inadequate because of this, even though I knew better. (Sample comment: no one had ever brought it to my attention before because they didn’t “love” me enough. Gee thanks.)
Sex is one of their most devious manipulative tools. It was used against me in so many ways, I probably don’t even know them all.
The thought of being with him sexually grosses me out now.
Hanalai
Yep me to! I can’t believe how clever he was with his blame projection which completely undermined my self worth with his manipulative behavior….grr!
JM Short’s reply is really good information.
KittyLover, the way you feel and the things you are thinking about are normal for where you are in your experience. It’s part of processing your thoughts and clearing out your mind and part of the path of getting out from your ex’s spell.
You are half the equation in the great sex with the ex, and you take everything you have to give and the great lover you are with you where ever you go and whom ever you are with.
Also consider that you may have been hypnotized by your ex to THINK that he is better looking than he is and a better lover than he is. Psychopaths use hypnosis. My ex distorted my perception of reality in many ways. If you google search “psychopath and hypnosis” you will find a lot of good info out there; and you may recognize some of your ex’s tactics.
It took me awhile to recognize how much the ex messed with my mind on so many levels.
Kittylover
Joyce is very wise and we all benefit from her wisdom so keep sharing.
Your story is our story. My spath changed back to the perfect partner after I left and love bombed me so much that it sent my alarm bells into melt down. When I did succumb to his charms, when he convinced me to go out with him so he could plead his case, I watched everything he did and listened very VERY carefully, just so I could work it out. Sex was different that night, back to the person that hooked me in all those 14 years ago. The level of intimacy was extreme and everything I craved for 12 years of the marriage but that was a huge red flag to me! How can he just switch like that…how can he go from convincing me that I’m not worthy and mean nothing but an obligation to maintain his assets to loving me so deeply – in a heartbeat? I’ll tell you why! It’s a con! The whole marriage was a con! My spath spent so much time looking at porn that he was text book trained to give me what he knew would hook me.
Even now the spyware on his computer shows me that he’s searching how to win me back but he’s learnt to hide everything else he’s doing on it because that is all he wants me to see!
Stupid man thinks I’ll go all soft and start to feel sorry for him but because I’m watching and aware of his motivations, I’m not buying into this illusion.
Be glad he’s not trying to get you back!
You mentioned “because of my phone”.
What did you mean?
Thank you! I feel weak, he knows exactly what buttons to push.
It’s ok to feel weak right now, as long as you try to take actions that are strong. When you do it enough, your feelings will catch up. They DO know what buttons to push and not reacting to them = strong.