UPDATED FOR 2021. Time and time again, when I do personal consultations, people tell me how they struggle to break away from a relationship with a sociopath. It is not your imagination. It’s hard to get away. Let me help you understand why relationships with sociopaths are so addictive.
You know the involvement is bad for you. But even when you’re not forced to interact with the sociopath — you’re not married, don’t have kids with the person and don’t work together — you can’t cut the cord. There are psychological and biological reasons for this, which I’ll explain.
Psychological bond
Any time two human beings enter into a relationship, a psychological love bond forms.
This bond begins early in the relationship because of pleasure. In the beginning, both people are doing their best to attract and impress each other. The new involvement is fun and exciting, which creates the pleasure.
Sociopaths, of course, usually engage in love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection. They’re always calling and texting. They want to be with you all the time. The sociopath makes you feel like the most important and loved person in the world. This intensifies your pleasure.
The relationship seems to be moving ahead at warp speed, and then the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship — disappears, lies, picks a fight. You were once on cloud nine, and now you suddenly feel totally deflated. This creates fear and anxiety.
Now here’s the kicker: Fear and anxiety actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
You want the relationship to go back to how wonderful it was in the beginning. So you ask the sociopath if you can talk. You try to figure out what went wrong. You may even apologize for something you didn’t do.
You get back together with the sociopath, which brings you relief — and strengthens the psychological love bond again.
This becomes a pattern: Pleasure, followed by fear and anxiety, followed by relief, rinse and repeat. It becomes a vicious circle, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological love bond gets tighter and tighter.
Here’s the next kicker: Even if you no longer feel pleasure, the psychological bond is still in place.
Pleasure is required for the bond to form. But the absence of pleasure does not break the bond.
Biological bond
There are also biological reasons why you feel so attached to the sociopath.
When you experience intimacy, the neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. This happens with any type of intimacy — emotional sharing, hugs and especially sex.
Oxytocin is called the “cuddle chemical.” It makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Mother Nature created oxytocin to make parents want to stay together to raise children. It is critical for the survival of the human race.
But, oxytocin also makes you want to stay with someone when you really should leave.
Feelings of love also make the brain produce dopamine. Dopamine is associated with energy, motivation and addiction. In fact, that’s why cocaine makes people feel euphoric — it increases the amount of dopamine in the brain.
Read more: How to recover from the sociopath
There’s more. Sex also causes structural changes in the brain. So if you have sex with a sociopath, your brain changes to adapt to this person. Breaking off the relationship will require undoing all the changes in your brain.
Sociopaths don’t bond
Human beings are social animals, and we need to be able to trust each other and stay together to survive. That’s why these psychological and biological changes take place.
However, sociopaths don’t bond like regular, empathic people do. Some researchers theorize that sociopathic brains don’t have the right receptors for oxytocin.
But they have learned how to pretend to be in a relationship, in order to set you up for exploitation. Sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding process.
Breaking the addiction
Because of these psychological and biological reasons, relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. So when you want to break away from a sociopath, you need to treat it like breaking an addiction.
Here’s what this means.
First: In most cases, you’ll want to go cold turkey when breaking off the relationship. That means you tell sociopath very clearly that it’s over. Here’s what I recommend that you say, which is adapted from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker:
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Do not contact me ever again.
Do not give a reason for breaking up, because a reason gives a sociopath an opportunity to argue with you. You do not want to attempt to negotiate with a sociopath, because the sociopath will usually win.
Breaking up by text is totally acceptable. In fact, it is preferable. If you talk to the sociopath — either by phone or in person — it gives him or her the opportunity to plead, promise, grovel or sweet talk you, which may weaken your resolve. It’s best to send a direct message without giving the sociopath the opportunity to respond.
Second: Once you make it clear that the involvement is over, have No Contact with the sociopath. Here’s more information:
How to implement no contact, on Lovefraud.com
Third: If you’ve ever had to overcome addiction smoking, alcohol, drugs you probably know that the standard advice is to take it one day at a time. That’s exactly what you need to do when detoxing from a sociopath.
Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Then get through the next day. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from any urges to contact the person. The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the more his or her grip on you will dissipate.
If you give in and reach out to the sociopath, or answer when the sociopath contacts you, you’ll be back at square one. You’ll have to start the process all over again.
Many Lovefraud readers have found Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) “Tapping” to be helpful. Stacy Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains in her webinar that emotions are chemicals, and her tapping protocol can break the chemical aspect of your addiction to the sociopath.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Fourth: When you’re feeling the urge to contact the sociopath, visit Lovefraud. Many, many people have told me that they do this. They read the posts and comments on Lovefraud to remind them of why they are leaving.
Like overcoming any addiction, disengaging from a sociopath takes time and willpower. But your emotions, mind, body, spirit and finances will all be healthier away from this person.
Lovefraud originally published this article on November 24, 2014.
In Recovery: Why It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
I started following this site a few weeks ago…I just figured out how to respond to comments and how to be notified if I get a response.. Lol.. Little slow lately..
I need support.. Tomorrow is one month with no contact. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to process a yr and a half of lies and mind games and with this site and books I’ve read, the knowledge of what he is and knowing he doesn’t just not love me, but is incapable of loving anyone… Made it easy to stay away. Until last night.. Someone had to let me know he found a new girlfriend (victim) whatever… And even knowing that he can’t love her.. Ever.. My mind is reeling… Will he treat her the way he did me? Will she be different? Will he feel something he couldn’t with me? Will he change for her? And I KNOW he can’t.. But the thoughts won’t atop. I don’t want to contact him, and nothing in me wants to relive the horrors I’ve seen with him, but the sadness, and the morbid curiosity is lingering.
Why can’t my heart just follow suit and listen to my head.. Why do I have feelings at all for a monster that showed me time and again that I meant nothing to him?
There’s a movie… Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind… Where they are able to delete memories from their past… What I wouldn’t give to have that option… To sleep one night with out reliving the night mare over and over in my dreams … To turn the corner and not have my heart stop when I see a truck that looks like his.. Or drive through town and not worry that he’s waiting somewhere.. And all the while… Somehow be concerned that someone else is enjoying the fake man I fell in love with.. Ughh I feel like I’m insane
L&B,
You are describing well the very normal feelings that I, and I am sure the other survivors on this site, can relate to. Everything you feel and struggle with is totally normal. PTSD is a normal response to abnormal experience.
Spath’s behavior is crazy-making, and normal people feel like we are going insane. You’re not crazy, we’re normal and struggling with the aftermath of having been abused badly by a disturbed and evil character.
I also experience setbacks and difficult feelings when I hear about my ex spath in some way. At first it took me by surprise, but now I can pretty much expect that it will take me three days to recover enough to be productive (ie get out of bed) and the rest of a week or longer to feel better again. My ex P has been gone 3+ years. Most of the time, it’s fine, but when I hear about him or when someone who he’s using challenges me with some of the content of his smear campaign, I get so stressed.
Victims are programmed to bond, and the spath does a lot to ‘hook’ us and to strengthen our bonding with them, so that they can control us. They don’t want to give up control even after they discard us because we are not useful to them any longer or when we become more trouble than useful to them.
It sounds like you are thinking clearly, and doing the right things for yourself especially NC. You will probably get to care less and less as the emotional bond dissipates in time and as you continue NC and to get back into living your life. Try to let your heart do this at it’s own pace. When I get frustrated and impatient with myself that just adds another layer of stress.
AnnettePK
“Frustration with the process” that was good to hear as sometimes I can’t put my finger on the reason why I’m stressed when there is so much chaos going on in my head.
Thanks 🙂
That’s the best way to describe it too. In so frustrated with myself and the amour of energy and time I invested into literally nothing. I have no desire to have any contact with him what’s so ever. I have completely seperated him from the man I loved.. To me the man I met died and there is no one left to chase. Towards the end I used to say I was in love with idea of him. I would Love and miss him so much while he wasn’t present but once he was there I couldn’t stand to look at him or hear his lies anymore. All I heard was betrayal and all I saw was pain. What kind of psychological damage allows this to continue? I’m embarrassed to hear or tell stories of our relationship because when I hear it out loud all I feel is shame.
I was reminded over the weekend of a time he held me down on a public street… Slit his wrists and smeared his blood over my face and hair and chest and when I cried he shook me screaming for me to grow up. The next day when it was obvious that he had gone too far.. He down played it saying he knew he would bleed alot because he’d been drinking and it wasn’t that serious.. That it was punishment for making him leave the bar when he wasn’t ready…
Who stays after that? Who allows that behavior to be rationalized?
lostandbroken, what you have said here couldn’t sum up any better exactly how I feel. Like you, toward the end I loved and missed him when I wasn’t with him, but when I was it was usually fraught with tension, weirdness and discomfort. During a 7 year relationship, I have many examples of situations I found myself in with him that I ask myself the same questions: Who stays after that? Who allows that behavior to be rationalized? Yet, I moved forward with buying a pricy dream home with him in another state, which meant selling my beloved little house, quitting a job I had worked for years to build a career to get into, and sunk my savings into the house. He stayed behind to sell his home and within 90 days, he had cruelly bailed from the relationship in a grand finale final discard”leaving me holding the bag financially on the house and my life in ruins. 3 1/2 years later I am still working to rebuild and have a long way to go”my frustration level is through the roof.
Enough crawled out of the woodwork in the year after the final discard that I know now that the entire relationship was a lie, that what I thought I had was carefully crafted to make me feel loved, safe and secure, and to use my therapist’s words “you didn’t know because he didn’t want you to know”. Simple as that. Through therapy, reading a lot of books and reading other’s experiences here, I know who stays and who allows the behavior to be rationalized: good people who don’t know this evil exists. I also know that we were programmed by these monsters and we were powerless to a large degree.
Afterwards, I had a chance to talk to a couple of the women he “romanced” while we were together and was curious how they escaped being sucked in. I think it was a combination of him not being ready (me being his primary target at the time) and they being more “hard nosed” than I was, and thus able to say “f you” at the first sign of an issue and walk away. Some stayed a little longer and were harmed by him. I will say that he punished every single last one of them in some way, to show them he was lord and master and they didn’t matter to him.
I know now that he was seeing multiple women (and got let go from his job due to his harassing behavior and was skewered in the press) even as we were making the offer on the house and going through escrow. I know now that he had introduced his new girlfriend to his daughters even before he discarded me.
I am a classic story. He molded me and shaped me exactly how he wanted me to be and then he used it against me.
I am frustrated because I’m not young anymore and this loss of time is a heartbreaker. I wish I was back up to speed in life – back to the kick ass person I was before he came on the scene. It’s a slow process, I feel like all I’m doing is treading water, but when I look over my shoulder, I see all the progress I’ve made. Just the thought of him makes me sick now.
They use hypnosis and hypnotic techniques, whether they know they are doing this or not. As I got farther out in time and distance, I saw how my ex P did this. He also preyed on my vulnerabilities.
They test boundaries little by little, bit by bit. It’s like the proverbial frog in the gradually heating boiling water that doesn’t jump out because it’s gradual. If I found myself being treated like the exP did in the midst of the ‘relationship’ I would have walked away immediately, but he got me trapped gradually, and he increased the crazy making abuse etc. gradually just to the point of what I would accept at every step of the way.
Consider trying to forgive yourself. You didn’t know what you didn’t know, you did your best with what you had at the time. That’s the difference between normal and spath – they know they are lying, they know they are using, they know right from wrong – they just don’t care.
AnnettePK,
You always have such helpful words of advice. I can personally say that you have helped me in more ways than you know. I wonder though, how have you been lately? How are you handling your situation lately? Are you finding peace?
Sorry if you’ve been sharing about how you’re doing and I’ve missed it. I haven’t been on this site too much lately. I’ve had to distance myself and won’t share too much — I’m just wondering about you all on here that have reached out and you came to mind today. Hope all is as well as can be for you right now.
TDS79 it’s good to see you pop up! Take care!
TDS79,
Hello and thanks for the greetings. Thanks for your questions. I hope you are doing well.
I’m a few years out and find myself over and done with the emotional attachment to the ex P. I’m glad he’s gone and glad I’m free. I am still dealing with PTSD – the farther out I get from the insanity, the more I realize how much I was damaged. I have trouble finding peace about the damage done to my son.
The worst is the smear campaign, which I keep running into unexpectedly and getting re injured – it is incredibly stressful to me. There are aspects of the situation that are very painful, really torment me. I’m struggling with some decisions about changes in my life that would be difficult to make, but might help me get away from the effects of the ex’s smear campaign. I am searching for a life path I can have peace with, but can’t make the decision one way or the other. I know this is vague, but I don’t want to get into the specific details.
Thank you for sharing, AnnettePK. I personally don’t find your post too vague, I get it now”or at least it makes sense to me. I’m filtering now. It lifts my heart knowing you share no emotional attachment anymore to your ex, which makes sense why you are able to offer others such standing advice. It hasn’t taken me long to release most of my emotional attachments to my ex. I contribute this to the fact I didn’t share more than a year with him and because he has stalked me to the degree he has. In my journey, I am starting to find the positive me again, even if it’s for only a few moments or sometimes days at a time. Regardless, I’m grateful for the glimpses. I’m now finding more clarification in my situation and when reading others posts on here.
I’m sorry you’re still not at peace, about your son and that the smear campaign continues. I can’t imagine ever being able to be at ease with constant reminders. Actually, I can. It’s just the stalking that prevents that. I’ve distanced myself too much from the smearing that is surely occurring with old friends (I don’t have to worry about family or coworkers). I feel more than blessed to have cut them out of my life. So many losses have been very painful for me though.
I just so happen to be in a positive place at this moment, which gives me so much hope for you. The first step in making changes is thinking about them, right? No matter how difficult”and you’re doing that! Our changes have to start somewhere. One step and forward moving thought at a time. I believe you will make the right moves for you and when you do, you will feel right in the path(s) you decide on, no matter how stressful they may seem. The fact that you are still in decision mode means changes aren’t right for you right now and that you may just be not ready. You may never be and that’s okay. I only say this with confidence because I find myself in many decision making/path changes these days. I’m just going with how I feel day to day and try not to put too much pressure on myself knowing where I am. I struggle with even thinking of a life path that I will ever be peaceful with. Personally, I live in an uncomfortable fear and it’s just a matter of finding the best situation where I can accept it the most. I hope I find my own peaceful path. I hope we both find our peaceful paths sooner than later.
I have a feeling that you’re already in touch with what I’m saying. It just feels good to know we’re in this together. I believe you and your words, especially in the early months, have helped me find the moments of clarity and peace I experience now. Your words stick with me and I want you to know that. I appreciate you.
TDS79,
Thank you for your thoughts; I appreciate all you’ve taken the time to write. So good that you are getting yourself back; I know exactly what you mean. Even though I’m not attached to my ex personally, I’m still dealing with the aftermath of the trauma, though it’s no longer personal about him.
I appreciate this and other sites so much; I can’t imagine what state I would be in without them. I feel for my ex P’s first ex wife – she endured 18 years with him, the discard and the smear campaign, mostly before the internet and the many good books that have been published in the last few years.
The end result of a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath/narc (whichever) creates a sense of loss. While we’re busy dealing with the loss of the illusion we fail to see the loss of our innocence or for me personally, my loss of bullet proofness, my confidence. I had, just as we all had, dreams of the life we wanted to live and most of us were in the process of achieving those dreams by working towards them…
I know that my dream has crashed and burned and that somehow I have to go out and create a new and exciting life full of new dreams that I can work towards, but my head is broken right along side of my heart. I can no longer imagine a life I want while I live the turmoil of the old and confusion of the disaster that I fell for.
I wish it was as easy as picking up a motivational book and putting it into practice, just imagine the new life into being, but I can’t even get an image in my head because I’m broken…
Keep posting people so we can heal. These words of courage give me a place to feel like I’m not alone yet able to shift from the fog one day and add back the much needed light of new and exciting beginnings that I crave for all of us.
Thanks girls, you make me feel a little bit more normal each and every time I read your posts x
undertheradar, you have put into words something I’ve been feeling lately: my head is broken right along side of my heart. Very eloquent. I too lost my bullet proofness and confidence along with my dream. It seems like these were my identity.
In my case, I have the image of my new life in my head but can’t seem to get there from here. I will figure it out, and so will you. I know we will simply because we’ve gotten this far already.
Dang the reflectiveness that the end of the year brings! For the 4th holiday season now, I’m just working to get through it intact. Two more weeks and we’ll be in the clear again.
Hanalei
Good to know that I’ll eventually get a clear image! Lol… did you find that you would fantasize to a point but it was cloudly almost? I feel like I just can’t make a decision as to what I want to do now… I keep going in several different directions with my thoughts and emotions. Some days I’m positive and determined but never for long enough to result in any significant change, or those dreadful revelations keep me chained to the past – someone will repeat something he said about me or he’ll say something to put me back into a state of confusion…
This will be my first Christmas in totally different surroundings. I’m visiting my children instead of putting on a big celebration. I’ve made so many plans to busy myself and think it’s to avoid thinking about my beautiful big house with a wonderful entertainers backyard that I had to leave.
I truly hope these holidays are the beginning of something new and exciting for us both!
Happy Christmas to you and I’m sending all my very best wishes your way x
undertheradar, I had no problem visualizing my new life”what has been a stumbling block for me was underestimating the sheer magnitude of challenges it would be to put the pieces of my life back together, since my career, financial stability and sense of safety in the world were so completely destroyed by him. Although I’ve been no contact for 3 1/2 years, I’ve only been technically free of him since February, when the home we own together was finally sold. That was when I could actually move forward – before that, I was handcuffed to the house and the financial drain.
I think once you go no contact and stick with it, you will find that your thoughts and emotions will stabilize and you will identify a direction. ANY sort of contact has the power to throw you off track”guard yourself against it!
Kalina warns against wasting spiritual and psychological resources, and I’d add to that simply time. The way I have mastered this is to remind myself all the time I wasted simply sitting in limbo trying to figure out what was gong on when he had mini-discarded me for a day or two or a week or three”while he was out living life, wining and dining women, having fun and not giving me a second thought. Every time he “came back”, I told myself, never again will I waste my time like that, but of course I did. Until the final discard. (I used to wonder why I looked like hell when it seemed the separation hadn’t fazed him in the least”oh, man!) I had months and months of horrible days, but they weren’t spent trying to figure out what was going on, they were spent taking care of myself as best I could. I’ve written here before about going out back and digging a hole and filling it in and then doing it again, because you can’t dig and think at the same time. I went to the movies. I detailed my stove more times than I can count. It staved off the thinking, thinking, thinking. Over time, it gets better.
I am missing my beautiful house this season too. But in honesty, he ruined it with his actions and so it will always hold those memories. I am certain that we will both have homes in time that we will love just as much.
Make the most of your time away in different surroundings, and strive to stay in the moment. I know you will do great!
We must stop obsessing about the past before we can start over. We have been lying to ourselves about its significance in order to avoid responsibility for our own participation in the toxic dance. No contact works best for me. Frankly, I have not dated in fifteen years, since my divorce. I believe we co- Dependents have been so brutally compromised, that healing requires complete self definition minus inputs from the opposite sex. Of course, friendships are perfectly acceptable, however, to this day I mistrust my judgement involving men. I just brought home a beautiful puppy. I’m happy giving her all the unconditional love I have to spare. Am I content? You bet I am. It’s all in the attitude and the coming to terms with our limitations. This I believe with all my heart. Kalina
Kalina-
I can relate! 2 dogs and 2 cats! They’re the best!
Joyce
Kalina
Yes I’m obsessing and I do understand that this keeps me in that energy. Im actually scared that I’ll be still playing the victim in years to come but I can’t stop it! How did you make those decisions to move to the space you are in now and stick with it? I go strong and determined one day then weak and miserable the next…
Please be confident! Getting over a war trauma requires patience and mental peace. We do not achieve emotional or psychological benefits from going over and over in our minds, “who did what to whom?”. To achieve a state of reconciliation with the past, I had to re- define my present. I made a radical change in my outlook on life. I totally changed my values. I became a kinder person myself. I am a better friend to my friends and mother to my grown son. I watch the news and cry for all those refugees who had to give up EVERYTHING. I cry for the children who walk the streets in the war torn areas of the Middle East. For the people without food, shelter, electricity, or security! And I Thank God I am an American. Our problems are self made. That was the key insight that started me on my 15 year path to recovery. Kalina
Kalina
Thanks for sharing your thoughts because they have crossed my mind. I know I have to go no contact and I also know that I don’t need to justify why but I keep putting it off…Crazy – nuts!!! You reminded me to take responsibility for the part I’m playing by allowing this drama to continue. I have to remind myself that he’s an adult and has to deal with his own karma and stop feeling sorry for him – I need to stop being his mother and protecting him from the pain… eventually he has to face the fact that it’s over between us, that the assets WILL be separated legally and then he’s got his own legal matters to face, of his own doing when he crossed the line as a police officer.
You’ve inspired me to text him and end anymore contact from today – thank you!
Happy holidays x
Under,
Ending contact is a change to your ex and a loss of control. Consider that he could be more dangerous to you now and in the weeks ahead. Keep yourself safe; they are capable of anything – not limited by conscience.
Good for you in taking this step. It sounds like you’re ready for it.
Thanks Annette! It seems that I’m getting more moments of clarity with each day of distance and I’m starting to feel taller already lol
I’ll be very aware during this time but I’ll be more scared when he’s charged in February of next year – that’s when I’ll go into hiding for a while as he has no idea of what he’s really been investigated for…
Dear undertheradar,
I totally understand your difficulty in letting go. It is the only answer to your plight. Healing is a completely new direction for you. Half measures and indecisiveness will not help you heal. As a matter of fact, you will be wasting precious spiritual and psychological resources on simply focusing on the past. I wasted years of my life in limbo, fearful of the unknown. I learned the long and hard way, that the unknown was 10 times better than what I had known. I pass to you my deepest felt sympathy for your pain. Hang in there and find the peace you deserve. Kalina
Kalina
Thanks for your wise words and kindness. It’s the strangest situation I’ve ever been emotionally involved in, like some sort of sick dream I cannot wake from? I’m constantly in a push me pull me fight for survival and it’s crazy! I know that I have a level of awareness, a guidance system with intelligence, yet I ignore it for hope that I might be wrong – WTF?
I just don’t get why I’ll ignore my ability to view this from a completely detached point with all the clarity in the world yet I argue with the logic? I know he keeps me in a constant state of confusion while LF keeps me in a state of clarity, but I allow him to undermine any determination with one phone call…
This test is my biggest EVER!
Hugs to you for listening x
Jenna23
Claps to you sweetie! 30 full days sounds like heaven to me.
Keep going and inspiring me to do the same ★
Jenna23
I wish he had a new brain before I met him then we’d both have been happy!
You’re letting go of something that never really existed, but you believed it was real because he deceived you into believing it. Not only do you have the loss of the future, you have the loss of the past – it was all a lie.
He is going to keep on doing what he has been doing. If he wanted to do differently, he would be. It’s not your responsibility. You can pray or send protective thoughts out for his past and future victims if you choose to; that can generate some positive energy.
Consider that besides what you know about, there could be other things and far worse things your ex could have done. Spaths are such liars and they have no limits to what they are capable of, just about anything is possible. I kept finding out more and more stuff about my ex; and I don’t think anything would surprise me now.
Rumination is a natural response to having been victimized by an emotional predator. It’s like a broken record repeating itself in your brain. When we wake up to reality, we recognize that our relationship was a house of cards, and we need to grieve that loss. One of the steps of grief is “bargaining.” It sounds like this: “if only I had…..” or… “if only he could see that ………”
To get past the “if only” stage, we need to focus on the fact that absolutely NOTHING you could have done, except never having involved our self with a predator in the first place, could possibly have changed the outcome.
And don’t beat yourself up for having gotten involved…. it’s your nature, and the nature of every other emotionally intact human being, to want human contact and human relationships. Now that you know there are predators out there, you’ll be more aware the next time.
Unfortunately, rumination is not forward-thinking or problem-solving thought. There are a few things you can do to get over it….
1. Over schedule yourself for a couple of weeks so your don’t have down time to think about it. You’ll get out of the habit. And the further you move away, the less prominent it will be in your brain.
2. Exercise! I know getting off the couch with the Kleenex by your side sounds like a Herculean effort for many victims, (been there, done that) but the rewards of forcing yourself to get your endorfins pumping will give you tremendous relief!
3. Be good to yourself! Get that new dress, go to the movies, get a manicure… whatever it takes to make you happy…. do it, do it, and do it again! Be your best friend! You will regain the sense that you are in control of your life and your happiness. It will give you the strength you need to block out painful thoughts that you don’t want.
4. Volunteer! Helping others is a speedy, productive way to help you feel good about yourself and put distance between you and the pain you endured.
5. Grief counseling. Yes, you are mourning, just like you would if someone you love died. The difference is that death is finite. You know the person is absolutely NOT returning. When you mourn the loss of a relationship, the other person is still out there. And you need to live in the reality of who they truly are so you can resist the temptation of seeing them as they appeared to you in the hoax they’d created. What you lament was a hoax. It wasn’t reality. Stay in reality.
I hope this helps!
My best-
Joyce
They do try to steal our lives, and it is a lot of hard work to get our lives back. You can do it.
jenna23=
How long ago did this happen? Did you file a police report?
Joyce