UPDATED FOR 2021. Time and time again, when I do personal consultations, people tell me how they struggle to break away from a relationship with a sociopath. It is not your imagination. It’s hard to get away. Let me help you understand why relationships with sociopaths are so addictive.
You know the involvement is bad for you. But even when you’re not forced to interact with the sociopath — you’re not married, don’t have kids with the person and don’t work together — you can’t cut the cord. There are psychological and biological reasons for this, which I’ll explain.
Psychological bond
Any time two human beings enter into a relationship, a psychological love bond forms.
This bond begins early in the relationship because of pleasure. In the beginning, both people are doing their best to attract and impress each other. The new involvement is fun and exciting, which creates the pleasure.
Sociopaths, of course, usually engage in love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection. They’re always calling and texting. They want to be with you all the time. The sociopath makes you feel like the most important and loved person in the world. This intensifies your pleasure.
The relationship seems to be moving ahead at warp speed, and then the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship — disappears, lies, picks a fight. You were once on cloud nine, and now you suddenly feel totally deflated. This creates fear and anxiety.
Now here’s the kicker: Fear and anxiety actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
You want the relationship to go back to how wonderful it was in the beginning. So you ask the sociopath if you can talk. You try to figure out what went wrong. You may even apologize for something you didn’t do.
You get back together with the sociopath, which brings you relief — and strengthens the psychological love bond again.
This becomes a pattern: Pleasure, followed by fear and anxiety, followed by relief, rinse and repeat. It becomes a vicious circle, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological love bond gets tighter and tighter.
Here’s the next kicker: Even if you no longer feel pleasure, the psychological bond is still in place.
Pleasure is required for the bond to form. But the absence of pleasure does not break the bond.
Biological bond
There are also biological reasons why you feel so attached to the sociopath.
When you experience intimacy, the neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. This happens with any type of intimacy — emotional sharing, hugs and especially sex.
Oxytocin is called the “cuddle chemical.” It makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Mother Nature created oxytocin to make parents want to stay together to raise children. It is critical for the survival of the human race.
But, oxytocin also makes you want to stay with someone when you really should leave.
Feelings of love also make the brain produce dopamine. Dopamine is associated with energy, motivation and addiction. In fact, that’s why cocaine makes people feel euphoric — it increases the amount of dopamine in the brain.
Read more: How to recover from the sociopath
There’s more. Sex also causes structural changes in the brain. So if you have sex with a sociopath, your brain changes to adapt to this person. Breaking off the relationship will require undoing all the changes in your brain.
Sociopaths don’t bond
Human beings are social animals, and we need to be able to trust each other and stay together to survive. That’s why these psychological and biological changes take place.
However, sociopaths don’t bond like regular, empathic people do. Some researchers theorize that sociopathic brains don’t have the right receptors for oxytocin.
But they have learned how to pretend to be in a relationship, in order to set you up for exploitation. Sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding process.
Breaking the addiction
Because of these psychological and biological reasons, relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. So when you want to break away from a sociopath, you need to treat it like breaking an addiction.
Here’s what this means.
First: In most cases, you’ll want to go cold turkey when breaking off the relationship. That means you tell sociopath very clearly that it’s over. Here’s what I recommend that you say, which is adapted from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker:
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Do not contact me ever again.
Do not give a reason for breaking up, because a reason gives a sociopath an opportunity to argue with you. You do not want to attempt to negotiate with a sociopath, because the sociopath will usually win.
Breaking up by text is totally acceptable. In fact, it is preferable. If you talk to the sociopath — either by phone or in person — it gives him or her the opportunity to plead, promise, grovel or sweet talk you, which may weaken your resolve. It’s best to send a direct message without giving the sociopath the opportunity to respond.
Second: Once you make it clear that the involvement is over, have No Contact with the sociopath. Here’s more information:
How to implement no contact, on Lovefraud.com
Third: If you’ve ever had to overcome addiction smoking, alcohol, drugs you probably know that the standard advice is to take it one day at a time. That’s exactly what you need to do when detoxing from a sociopath.
Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Then get through the next day. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from any urges to contact the person. The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the more his or her grip on you will dissipate.
If you give in and reach out to the sociopath, or answer when the sociopath contacts you, you’ll be back at square one. You’ll have to start the process all over again.
Many Lovefraud readers have found Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) “Tapping” to be helpful. Stacy Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains in her webinar that emotions are chemicals, and her tapping protocol can break the chemical aspect of your addiction to the sociopath.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Fourth: When you’re feeling the urge to contact the sociopath, visit Lovefraud. Many, many people have told me that they do this. They read the posts and comments on Lovefraud to remind them of why they are leaving.
Like overcoming any addiction, disengaging from a sociopath takes time and willpower. But your emotions, mind, body, spirit and finances will all be healthier away from this person.
Lovefraud originally published this article on November 24, 2014.
In Recovery: Why It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Just so you know, ppl get tired of listening and seeing anyone stuck in grief of any kind. It’s not just this type. They feel it’s time to move on. Like they would know, having never grieved. Yet they still feel qualified to discern when “it’s time”.
I lost my best friend and lover, my husband, over Labor Day wkend one yr. By CHRISTMAS I was thot to be “milking it”. Christmas, for pete’s sake!
Don’t worry about other ppl. Especially ignorant ppl. Bless their ignorance. I wish I was still ignorant!
jenna23, when I asked my ex why he did certain things, he said “because I can”.
I have no idea how many women my ex cheated with while we were a couple and planning a future together. I found out about a few after he discarded me, and I’m sure it was only the tip of the iceberg. I could list many reasons that I think are the “why”, but that doesn’t help to understand it. Suffice it to say they do whatever the hell they feel like doing, whenever, wherever, whatever, with no thought or concern of the consequences, because it is all about them, and as mine said at least a hundred times, if I wasn’t happy with my position with him, there were countless women who were waiting in the wings to take my place, gladly. Yep.
Hanalei
Little did we know at the time…
My spath relied on me for all the wifely duties so he convinced me to help him present shop for Christmas as I was the one that did it for 14 years and he hasn’t got a clue what to buy his own children.
We were walking through the shopping center last week and I realised something. When we first got together 15 years ago, I was proud of my man! When women would check him out, I was like ” yeah he’s my man” and felt confident and secure. It only took a couple of years before I found myself insecure and thinking ” get your eyes of him” kinda thoughts… now, well last week, I realised my reaction to all his attention was “you’ve got no idea what you’re looking at, if you want to take a walk on the wild side then he’s all yours!” Most of these women, last week would end up looking at me to see a huge smile on my face, they knew I had seen them but they don’t know what I’m thinking… made my day! Lol
So very true that until one has lived it, one doesn’t understand. I did not understand even abusive relationships, and in retrospect I see I was callous and impatient with a couple of acquaintances who had been victimized.
As far as the ‘why’ they choose the behavior they choose, here’s a survivor’s thoughts on it. Perhaps there is something here that will help you find some answers. http://psychopathsandlove.com/real-reason-you-were-victimized-by-a-psychopath/
Jenna, How long can you take off work, if you don’t mind answering? Does your counselor have any thoughts on when you’ll be ready to get back to it? Sounds like a blessing that you can have this time off to recover. I was blessed to be able to have some down time when I was in the midst of it.
Jenna sweetie
Mine did the same but cheated at every opportunity, had a competition going with the “boys” on who could get laid on their way to work while also maintaining long standing affairs with women that didn’t know they weren’t the only one – quite clever he was at hiding his identity! The whole time he was getting sex several times a week, he also had a massive porn addiction, sometimes watching it for hours at a time up to 3 times in 24 hours = sick prick! What bought him unstuck was realising my instincts couldn’t be right with everyone else but not him so I spywar-ed his entire life. Turns out my entire 14 year marriage was a lie and I was convinced that I was in love with an illusion.
You’d think all that would have given me closure but it didn’t? He promised me he was a changed man and that I was the love of his life, I gave him 2 years to prove himself but nothing changed with his treatment towards me so I decided to end it as soon as I was “small” debt free. While I was busy getting ready to leave he was stood down from the police force on a child sex allegation. I knew immediately that he was guilty as soon as he opened his mouth to give me his side of the story – turns out she wasn’t the first…
You’d think I’d be over it but I’m not. My mind and heart still aren’t aligned – 6 months after leaving, 9 months from the offense and years of knowing about his “other” life. It takes time to heal from these monsters so be patient with yourself, be kinder to yourself than you’ve ever been to anyone else because one day I know we’ll both wake from this nightmare a lot stronger and a better person.
Hugs to you sweetie 🙂
i am so trying to be KIND to myself. to busy myself.
its impossible.
i bought a car on Tues nite. ON THE WAY HOME it almost died. the tranny. made it back next day and they fixed it. on the way home, guess what? brought it back next day, they had to order the part. i said i need ANOTHER CAR or at LEAST a free warranty pkg. i was test driving/beta testing their FN car for them for pete’s sake. the owner will not budge. so i bring it in Sat. on the way home, guess what? this seems to be a different issue but its major. i live 50 min from the dealer. i bought it from there so i would avoid this total STRESSSSS BULLSHYT. he just needs to make this RIGHT.
im pretty sure but for the grace of God, i would not have made it home last nite. i cant get it back up there AGAIN tomorrow.
and i need to be kind to me lol
no one else will, why bother?
Aint-
Call your public advocate, the Better Business Bureau and your local news station. Check the law in your state regarding recording your conversations with the dealer. If it’s not against the law, (it’s usually not when you do so in person,) go to see him about replacing your car, and record what he says. Then take him to court if he doesn’t perform.
Bad auto dealers rip people off when they think nothing will happen to them. When they know you have a voice and will go public with the information, they will usually fix the problem.
Good luck!
Joyce
Aint
My life fell apart right along side of everything I owned, computer wouldn’t work, printer (1 yr old) stopped and a myriad of other things went wrong including my capacity to earn money, but it’s not going to beat me! I had to settle down, stop the flow of negativity and start living the advice I was receiving on these sites before things started to right themselves again. I just kept telling myself that I always land on my feet and slowly things started to appear that way again – try it, it worked for me!
As I’ve lamented ad infinitum, in addition to my life falling apart when my ex discarded me, a by-product was all my “friends” bailing like I was a sinking ship. This left me feeling terribly alone in the world and pretty damn scared about it.
I’ve also discussed how the one friend who stayed I realized was toxic and had to walk away from her over the summer.
This left precious few, but thank God, they are good and true. They are also 700 miles away.
In my solitude these past few months, I have thought a lot about how I’ve always landed on my feet, always followed by thinking “but now I’m all alone”. But I was “all alone”, really, during all those times of success, triumph and accomplishment. Sure, I had people around but they didn’t do the work, put in the effort, I did. And I still can. Sure, it’s harder now, I’m older, the economy isn’t in my favor, I’m starting from square one. But I can still do what I always did.
Yesterday I got an email from one of those old “friends”, saying gosh golly gee it’s the holidays again and I’m so, so sorry I’ve been MIA this year and blah blah blah. Last year when I got this email, I carefully wrote a comprehensive reply, showing interest in her life, asking pertinent questions and guess what? I got a reply saying she’d love to talk more but she needed to get going on her nightly walk and I didn’t hear from her again until”yesterday.
I feel no need to respond this year beyond saying nice to hear from you, happy holidays. No need to share what’s going on with me, no need to show interest in her life, no need to hope that the exchange leads to a more complete friendship.
I was doubting that I’ve made a whole lot of progress this year and this little deal shows me that indeed, I HAVE made progress. I am not a drooling, tail wagging doormat anymore. Cue the Rocky theme.
Maybe next year I won’t respond at all!
Hanalei
Some of your post made me laugh…not because of your suffering but that “oh I’m hearing ya” kind of if I don’t laugh I’ll cry, kinda way!
I do have to admit that I was MIA for several years from my friends life, towards the end, because I had isolated myself. I didn’t want to talk about the craziness with anyone for years but more importantly, I wanted to keep a very close eye on my spath. The distance I caused resulted in the lack of friends when I left and needed them the most – I started it and can’t blame anyone else for it…
Several years ago I started writing my dreams down, goals for what I wanted to achieve etc, each new year. I found that most of the little things were getting marked off the list when I sat down to do it again the next year. A little thing but powerful motivator!
Next year I’m spending time making new friends while doing the things that I love doing, getting a little adventure back into my life. I’ve joined a singles adventure group and I’m the person I was before the nightmare, with them. They will never be part of my past, a new energy is being built around my future – I’m determined to stay “light” next year and not allow negativity to drag me down – here’s hoping!
Please accept my apologies if I come across too blunt. I do speak from experience when I suggest that “no contact” ought to include thinking as well as talking or texting. Unless one develops alternative means of personal growth and individual responsibility, obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors will get the best of you.
You are trying to break a bad habit. This habit has many threads, many layers, and many motives. Stopping Cold Turkey, is decisive and blocks this excessive ruminating about who did what to whom! In the end, we all just have ourselves to rely on. That is what makes of us adults with character. Be the best you can be and then ” let the chips fall where they may”. I wish my friends good will and good health and prosperity for the new year. Kalina
Kalina
I agree! These thoughts have been my thoughts but I’m broken so keep reminding me and I’ll get there eventually…
Thanks!
i honestly believe we can not think our way out of this. its not a matter of logic. its at the emotional level. where logic and commonsense doesnt exist.
it may be God or something else that does it. but i doubt highly its in our power.
Aint
I’ve recently realised that I can’t fix it. No amount of thinking it through can fix it, there are way too many variables, way too many if’s buts or maybe’s… I just gave up because I can’t control the outcome – all I can do is learn to move on and concentrate on my self worth issues so I’m never in this position again… you are right that this is on an emotional level and I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my head can’t remove the pain but I’m sure I can convince myself that it wasn’t me – one day…
and that doesnt make me hopeless.
at all.
it just takes off pressure. i can not think my way out of this. in fact i cant do a damn thing, beyond getting away from him physically.
Jenna-
You are experiencing grief. One of the stages of grief is “bargaining.” Even though no one died, you are dealing with the death of the relationship. And you are mourning that loss.
Rumination is like a stuck needle on a record. It is regurgitated emotion. In order to get past it, you need to nudge the needle forward.
You can do so by forcing yourself into activities. You can also be strict with yourself about limiting the time that you indulge yourself in rumination, making it less and less every couple of days. Once you do so, you will understand that you are in control, and that you can move forward again.
Make it a point to do things you enjoy. Be good to yourself and you will begin to see that you are far better off than you were with his crazy-making.
All the best!
Joyce
Jenna
In most cases yes. They don’t like their mask revealed so keep your truths about him to yourself, unless you can take the abuse then announce it to the world! My spath is to dangerous and has the ability to bury my body in a national park that no one would find! He was a tactical policeman with a tracking dog so knows the bush too well for my liking…
You are better off concentrating on your own recovery than giving your energies to other people and causing more stress in your life.
Take care of yourself ♥
the spath wud let his gf txt me at times, pretending to be him, saying lots of total BULLSHYT. he would be rite there.
its a sickness hon.
and it has no cure.
i thoroughly enjoyed watching his little ho destroy his life and put him in jail. she was just like him.
now i can say it was rly great. ~no shame here, no way~
Anything you feed will GROW! This is true especially with emotional pain. Who wants to let go of the pain will be the one who will GAIN! Kalina
Jenna-
Sociopaths have no conscience and therefore, no remorse.
They don’t feel the bonds of love. There is no allegiance.
Everyone in their life is an object to provide something they need, be it money, sex, cooking, caring for the house, etc.
The only thing that limits their behavior is fear of exposure or fear of consequences.
His sense of your relationship and yours were two very different things. You acted out of love, while he acted out of want, need and greed.
A sociopath is a cold reptilian. They do what they want, when they want, without any regard for who they harm.
The person you thought you shared the relationship with does not exist. Now you know what he truly was, and is.
Joyce
Where was he when the tree fell? Did he benefit financially from his sister’s death, perhaps by inheriting more from his parents’ passing? Just something worth considering,
You have mentioned a couple of times no pics of his mom in his home – is your subconscious trying to tell you something? Could he have told you something major inaccurate about his mom?
My ex P had no friends ever.
Thank you for sharing this. Consider that there could be and probably are awful things he has done and is doing that you’re not aware of. Anyone who did what he did to you, does the same to everyone if he can get away with it. A person is the same to everyone.
Your perceptions about his ex wife in court are probably accurate. He likely made his ex wife feel exactly the same as he made you feel; and likely treated her pretty much the same way he treated you.
jenna, mine used my failure to participate in a threesome (except I was supposed to find the girl and “bring her” to him) as one of the reasons he discarded me too.
After 7 years together (both in homes we owned ourselves since I wasn’t going to give up my home to live with him, joke’s on me), we bought a dream home together in a state we (make that I as it turns out) dreamed of living in. My home sold first, so I moved and was setting up the house for “us”. He visited once and was distant and became weird on the phone after that. The second time he visited, for a job interview no less, he picked a horrible fight that left me in ruins. I drove him to the airport while he verbally battered me with all that was wrong with me. He pretty much jumped out of the car at the curb at the airport and I never saw him again. This happened less than 90 days after escrow closed.
I called him several days later (a cooling off period I thought) and he continued the verbal abuse. I couldn’t handle the stress of that so tried email, where he in so many words implied that he had done his part in the relationship (the dream home) but I had failed in doing my part (bringing the girl). None of this was direct, but I knew what he was talking about. I replied in detail, being specific about the girl situation and some other things, and he countered with a scathing email telling me that I had a personality disorder, had been verbally abusing him for years, among other things.
I instinctively went no contact that day and never broke it once. Months later, both my attorney and therapist told me I had done the right thing because they felt that he had set me up – never directly writing anything that would make him look bad, but resulting in responses from me that made me look completely crazy out of context. They felt he did it purposely so that he could use the emails against me if he chose to do so, or even share them publicly, etc.
Whew.
After the initial love bombing of loving sex, sex with him was generally fraught with weirdness in some way or another. I sidestepped a lot, glossed over a lot, and excused it by accepting his (often repeated) tales about how his wife had been a cold fish and their marriage had been sexless. I thought he was just testing the waters and it was innocent, even though it was tiresome and to me, nonsense.
I now know that he was pushing me to see how far he could get me to go. I wasn’t a human being to him, but an object that could be hurt and abused in any fashion and it meant nothing to him. I also treated him very well, stocking his refrigerator with groceries so he’d have food to eat on the days I wouldn’t be there – he made more money than I did and I used my money for this! He took my natural generosity and unselfishness that would have been reciprocated in a normal relationship and exploited it. Meanwhile, he was doing everything and anything he wanted to behind my back, and when I was of no further use to him, discarded me without a second thought.
I haven’t forgotten his name yet, but it’s only been a little over 3 years since the final discard and less than a year since the house was sold and I have been free of him. I lost a lot (financially and otherwise) and I described it to someone as similar to an animal gnawing off it’s own paw to get free of a trap.
I will say though, that I was briefly married to a nut (who was likely a narcissist or sociopath) briefly about 15 years ago. Some story about him came up recently and I honestly found myself having to search my brain for his name, and it took me a minute or two to come up with it. Back when I was going through that, it took a few years to get untangled from that guy, and it consumed me. I thought I’d never stop thinking about it. But lookee here – I never think about him at all and I completely forgot his name!
jenna, the guy isn’t sorry and won’t ever give you the satisfaction, and from my experience and all I’ve read here and other places, they pretty much always blame us as they discard us – it’s like a little parting gift.
Take care of yourself and lay low. Mind your own business and your business only. Be prepared to be strong in case he has a lull, gets bored and tries to suck you back in. Hope (like I do) that he always has plenty of women at hand so he never glances back at you.
jenna, I also want to say enjoy this holiday season with your granddaughter, those you love, your pets if you have them, and yourself, knowing that you do not have to be walking on eggshells, fearful of being asked to do something that you know is harmful to you, or wonder what he is doing behind your back.
The last Christmas I was with my ex, he made sure the little pleasures were seasoned with plenty of misery and tears for me, and even “gifted” me with a mini-discard on Christmas Eve that lasted most of the day before he graciously allowed me back into his life (to cook a magnificent meal for his family). I overlooked all this to go on and buy that house with him the following spring.
This is my 4th Christmas without him and while my life isn’t perfect, I am very content knowing that I have peace in my home and no one is going to blindside me. I know I won’t be locked in the bathroom crying on the floor, apologizing for some invented wrongdoing on my part, or knocking myself out trying to attend to his every whim. I remember now, not everyone lives with craziness.
The nice, kind and considerate things you did for him are because that’s the person you are – nice, kind and considerate. You take that with you wherever you go. You always are that person and you always have that person, whether you’re sharing yourself with someone who appreciates you or whether you’re alone. You make a difference to your granddaughter, other family members, and your friends, those who appreciate you.
Would justice for you be punishment for him, and/or reparation for you? What’s punishment to him? You being hurt? No he enjoys that. You yelling at him, throwing things at him, being angry at him? No, he enjoys that. A slow torturous death? He wouldn’t like that one, but in the end good and kind people like you don’t really get satisfaction out of harming our abusers.
Recompensation to you might be for you to have a good life. “Living well is the best revenge.” The Universe/God can give you a good life, good friends, a loving husband, peace of mind. There is some justice in surviving the spath and having a good life without him.
The spath really doesn’t care because he finds new victims. My personal belief is that he won’t be allowed to harm people forever. I believe God is working out a plan and a purpose for every person. “Vengeance is Mine (God’s), I will repay” is repeated several times in the Bible. If you believe it, it is a promise that God will rightly avenge you of your enemies and will administer perfect justice at the perfect time. If we believe that concept, then we are relieved of the burden of worrying about justice. We can turn it over to God and let Him take care of it. It’s not easy, but it relieved some of the stress in my recovery.
He doesn’t apologize because he doesn’t want your forgiveness. An apology requires repentance (change). As a rule, spaths don’t change, because they already have all the information they need to make an informed choice; and their choice is to harm others, lie, betray, etc. They like what they do and the results of it. The Bible calls this attitude the ‘unpardonable sin.’ It’s unpardonable because the person doesn’t want to change and doesn’t want forgiveness.
AnnettePK
How very comforting your wise words are.
Once my divorce was final, I have recovered in leaps and bounds. I am not completely back to my pre-abuse self, the physical issues remain, but I have found my joy, my dignity, my self respect. But I have struggled with the issue of forgiveness and I decided to let it go to GOD. I have never been a revenge person, I’d rather spend my time/energy/creativity DOING something fun/wonderful rather than planning how to get even from abuse. (I had an awful and abusive family). But I did wonder how to stop my ex husband because as I observed NOTHING stops him. I also wanted people to know that I was NOT what he said of me, his smear campaign of me was particularly painful. I lost EVERYTHING, and for a while, I LOST me. I eventually realized my best “win” was that he no longer had me to kick around and harm. And considering the pleasure he found in harming me and my daughter, that was a huge loss for him.
Living well IS the best revenge, not letting EVIL win IS a type of revenge. The added benefits of joy and friends and appreciation…. frosting on the cake. It’s Way more than satisfying because as you note, there is NO such thing as Enough punishment for what my abuser did to me. Having joy and realizing he couldn’t take it from me is VERY satisfying… and happens so much now that I forget to think of him at all. Receiving joy and spreading it to others? Wow. Blessings that grow and grow.
Not,
Thank you for sharing your experience and how you dealt with it. I permanently lost some ‘friends’ and acquaintances from the still ongoing smear campaign, but I have enough real friends left, so I am able on some level to accept the losses. It is still hurtful, but recognizing and accepting that I can’t really do anything about it, helps me.