UPDATED FOR 2021. Time and time again, when I do personal consultations, people tell me how they struggle to break away from a relationship with a sociopath. It is not your imagination. It’s hard to get away. Let me help you understand why relationships with sociopaths are so addictive.
You know the involvement is bad for you. But even when you’re not forced to interact with the sociopath — you’re not married, don’t have kids with the person and don’t work together — you can’t cut the cord. There are psychological and biological reasons for this, which I’ll explain.
Psychological bond
Any time two human beings enter into a relationship, a psychological love bond forms.
This bond begins early in the relationship because of pleasure. In the beginning, both people are doing their best to attract and impress each other. The new involvement is fun and exciting, which creates the pleasure.
Sociopaths, of course, usually engage in love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection. They’re always calling and texting. They want to be with you all the time. The sociopath makes you feel like the most important and loved person in the world. This intensifies your pleasure.
The relationship seems to be moving ahead at warp speed, and then the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship — disappears, lies, picks a fight. You were once on cloud nine, and now you suddenly feel totally deflated. This creates fear and anxiety.
Now here’s the kicker: Fear and anxiety actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
You want the relationship to go back to how wonderful it was in the beginning. So you ask the sociopath if you can talk. You try to figure out what went wrong. You may even apologize for something you didn’t do.
You get back together with the sociopath, which brings you relief — and strengthens the psychological love bond again.
This becomes a pattern: Pleasure, followed by fear and anxiety, followed by relief, rinse and repeat. It becomes a vicious circle, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological love bond gets tighter and tighter.
Here’s the next kicker: Even if you no longer feel pleasure, the psychological bond is still in place.
Pleasure is required for the bond to form. But the absence of pleasure does not break the bond.
Biological bond
There are also biological reasons why you feel so attached to the sociopath.
When you experience intimacy, the neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. This happens with any type of intimacy — emotional sharing, hugs and especially sex.
Oxytocin is called the “cuddle chemical.” It makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Mother Nature created oxytocin to make parents want to stay together to raise children. It is critical for the survival of the human race.
But, oxytocin also makes you want to stay with someone when you really should leave.
Feelings of love also make the brain produce dopamine. Dopamine is associated with energy, motivation and addiction. In fact, that’s why cocaine makes people feel euphoric — it increases the amount of dopamine in the brain.
Read more: How to recover from the sociopath
There’s more. Sex also causes structural changes in the brain. So if you have sex with a sociopath, your brain changes to adapt to this person. Breaking off the relationship will require undoing all the changes in your brain.
Sociopaths don’t bond
Human beings are social animals, and we need to be able to trust each other and stay together to survive. That’s why these psychological and biological changes take place.
However, sociopaths don’t bond like regular, empathic people do. Some researchers theorize that sociopathic brains don’t have the right receptors for oxytocin.
But they have learned how to pretend to be in a relationship, in order to set you up for exploitation. Sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding process.
Breaking the addiction
Because of these psychological and biological reasons, relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. So when you want to break away from a sociopath, you need to treat it like breaking an addiction.
Here’s what this means.
First: In most cases, you’ll want to go cold turkey when breaking off the relationship. That means you tell sociopath very clearly that it’s over. Here’s what I recommend that you say, which is adapted from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker:
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Do not contact me ever again.
Do not give a reason for breaking up, because a reason gives a sociopath an opportunity to argue with you. You do not want to attempt to negotiate with a sociopath, because the sociopath will usually win.
Breaking up by text is totally acceptable. In fact, it is preferable. If you talk to the sociopath — either by phone or in person — it gives him or her the opportunity to plead, promise, grovel or sweet talk you, which may weaken your resolve. It’s best to send a direct message without giving the sociopath the opportunity to respond.
Second: Once you make it clear that the involvement is over, have No Contact with the sociopath. Here’s more information:
How to implement no contact, on Lovefraud.com
Third: If you’ve ever had to overcome addiction smoking, alcohol, drugs you probably know that the standard advice is to take it one day at a time. That’s exactly what you need to do when detoxing from a sociopath.
Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Then get through the next day. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from any urges to contact the person. The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the more his or her grip on you will dissipate.
If you give in and reach out to the sociopath, or answer when the sociopath contacts you, you’ll be back at square one. You’ll have to start the process all over again.
Many Lovefraud readers have found Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) “Tapping” to be helpful. Stacy Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains in her webinar that emotions are chemicals, and her tapping protocol can break the chemical aspect of your addiction to the sociopath.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Fourth: When you’re feeling the urge to contact the sociopath, visit Lovefraud. Many, many people have told me that they do this. They read the posts and comments on Lovefraud to remind them of why they are leaving.
Like overcoming any addiction, disengaging from a sociopath takes time and willpower. But your emotions, mind, body, spirit and finances will all be healthier away from this person.
Lovefraud originally published this article on November 24, 2014.
In Recovery: Why It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Jenna23,
I feel exposing is risky business, whether your ex decides to retaliate or not. I know the strong desire to inform others, please just don’t do it at your own expense. If you’re not in a mentally sound place it could cause you more personal damage and trauma, especially when you don’t feel validated. If you feel the need to expose, approach it trusting your gut.
If you are concerned about your ex possibly coming back it shows you have fear of that happening. Exposing can go either way. Some spaths may disappear because they don’t want to be discovered and some may go the opposite way to get revenge in their own way. I think it’s good to recognize his patterns (i.e., past stories of his against others, actions he’s taken against you in the past, etc.). I’ve been being stalked and harassed by my ex for the past 7 months. Recognizing my ex’s patterns have gone a long way to help me in my journey. Recognizing your ex’s patterns may help influence the decisions you make during your healing process.
At this point you’re more important than helping others to know the truth. Please take care of yourself first. My heart goes out to you. I believe living the life/after life of a spath is one of the most damaging things one can deal with. At least we have each other. 🙂
Spaths often come back because they don’t end a relationship with closure. They just go to and fro looking for people to exploit to get what they want. They don’t really care whom they exploit in a personal way. They recycle the same games over and over with different people or the same person, depending on whom they can successfully manipulate and whom they can deceive into interacting with them. They come back anytime they think they can exploit someone successfully – that is their underlying motivation and all their behaviors stem from it.
Being committed to no contact no matter what, and refusing to allow anything he says or writes to you change your commitment, will protect you from being sucked in again.
I found it helpful to work through my negative feelings to allow myself to feel how I feel, and then to gently try to redirect my thinking. It’s a balance because if we don’t allow us to experience our feelings they don’t resolve. You can recognize that you feel hatred towards him, and he deserves it, it is an appropriate response to what he did to you. Then you can try and let go of the hatred so it doesn’t harm you. It takes time.
I also found it helpful to write my ex spath and tell him what I thought of him, but not send it. I have pages and pages, probably hundreds, of emails written to him over a couple of years, telling him what he did, the truth about himself, etc, that I never sent. If I found myself stewing about something, I’d write it to him. Even though I didn’t send the emails, it worked to free my mind of thoughts I didn’t want to be consumed by.
Knowing that my ex P wants me to be thinking about him and suffering over him every minute forever, made me just mad enough to be determined to NOT be thinking of him.
They don’t miss anyone in a personal way, although they may miss something they were getting – sex, a place to live, someone who ‘worships’ them by admiring them all the time, whatever they want. But they can easily replace one target with another.
People are the same across the board to everyone. Spaths make us think that it’s our fault they abuse us, and that they treat others well, but their motivation is the same with every one. Whether they treat someone well or badly, just depends on what tactic they think will work best to get them whatever they want. That’s why they will switch back and forth from being ‘nice’ to being abusive in a heartbeat.
Consider that whatever he told you about his family may or may not be true. Unless you have corroborated facts through another source, take anything he told you with a grain of salt.
Also worth considering how his family passed away, and whether he may have had anything to do with it. While some spaths get caught, I perceive that many of them are getting away with murder. Because they have no morals nor ethics, there is absolutely no limit to what they will do as long as they think it will benefit them and they think they won’t get caught. I try to keep this potential in mind without living in fear with regard to my ex P.
Annette, your last couple of posts are excellent in summing the situation up in a clear and concise way and information every victim needs to have and be clear on.
Jenna mentioned that her ex had brought two cats home and wondered how he could be nice to cats when he abuses women. In my opinion, the cats may be just tools to assist him in getting something he wants.
When my beloved 16 year old cat died (home alone while we were on a weekend jaunt that my ex insisted on even though I knew I should have been home), my ex was callous to me and I had to hide my sadness. He had two dogs that he bragged about like a proud dad outside the house, but basically ignored them at home unless he has some agenda to push. He eventually had them both put to sleep at separate times when they developed minor health problems that were treatable and he had the money to afford. He just didn’t want to be bothered, and I think really, he was just tired of them. After the first one, his daughter and I begged him to give us time to find a new home for the second one but he took her and had her put down without a word to us.
I have reason to believe that he poisoned the sweet cat that I adopted after my older cat died. It was suspicious circumstances and I didn’t put two and two together until after he discarded me and in talking to his sister, she told me that he had had a cat that was killed brutally by dogs and that he told the story often, laughing about it. He was furious with me for adopting the cat (I lived in my own house at the time) after he had decreed “no more animals” (I adopted him after a mini-discard that when on long enough for me to believe it was permanent). It was an emergency situation and the vet couldn’t save him – I called my ex and left messages repeatedly that day, needing support. He always had his phone on him and answered or called back quickly – that day, he didn’t call me back until late that night. When I told him what had happened, all he said was that he hoped that I wouldn’t turn into the basket case I did when the older cat had died (of course I was no basket case, I hid any feelings from him) because if I did, he didn’t think he could “go through that hell” again.
Moral of the story is that I wouldn’t trust any of these monsters with animals.
H Moon,
Your ex is evil, what a hellish experience to go through. It is infuriating how spaths twist stuff around, like your ex telling you he couldn’t “go through….blah blah blah” your sadness about a pet’s passing. They falsely accuse, they accuse us of what they say we are going to do, they play the victim. It’s all lies and it is so infuriating.
Hannalei-
You’re on the money when it comes to emotional predators and their relationship with animals. One of the telling signs that your child will grow up to be character disordered is early animal abuse.
They’ll often practice their sadism on helpless animals before trying it out on human beings as they mature.
Joyce
Hanalei and jenna
My cat showed me why he was stressed enough to lose his hair while I lived with the spath, when the spath came to my new place to help me move some stuff and the cat freaked out! My poor little puss couldn’t get away from him quick enough and cried for me to take him off the spath – never did I suspect he was responsible for the cats stress while I lived with him…
Now you mention it! Our retired police dog got quite sick but the spath said he didn’t want to spend the money on him at the vet so I took him myself. Turned out to be in so much pain that the vet and I wanted to end his misery quickly. The spath, that raised and trained to dog as part of his job, wouldn’t pay for it so I did (we didn’t share incomes…whole other story) but insisted that he take the dog to be put down. A week later we received a card from the vet saying how sorry they were to have had to put the spath through that and outlining the emotional pain my spath showed them – umm WTF? He wanted to let the dog die in the yard…grr! It’s all an act…
Jenna-
When you fill in the form on 50 Brave Women, the information is not recorded on the blog. Instead, it’s private and comes directly to me. I will be able to email back to you.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better. I know the pain of depression through the holidays. The jerk who harmed you is worthless and does not deserve your giving him one second of the brain-space you could be sharing with your family. You are blessed to have them!
All the best!
Joyce
Jenna-
50 Brave Women is a campaign to raise society’s awareness on the crime of rape by fraud. We are working behind the scenes to bring about changes in the law so that people who defraud others for sex will be charged as the criminals they are. You can register your information and join-in to help at http://bit.ly/1zJpLId.
Anyone else who was defiled by this crime is welcome to participate as well.
Joyce
Jenna
Dogs always get their day! 80 yr old drug dealers, murderer’s and anyone on the WRONG side of life, are rare – take a good look sweetie, they die young and it’s called karma. There is also another way of looking at them and that is with pity. They aren’t real, never will they ever understand the gratitude we can feel for living an authentic life. They are always on the run from the lies and deception they cause. We, at least, get a chance to get over them and move back to our genuine loving and caring selves but they never get that chance! They will always be hiding something and that equals a life of stress because someone will always be “onto” them. We are the lucky ones ★
Jenna
No…life is not fair sometimes! My spath did the same to me but my focus is squarely on the fact that after 14 years he’s finally proved my instincts right. Just knowing that was enough to lift a burden from my shoulders. He lied, deceived and blame projected his untrustworthy life onto me but now I know, without question, that my instincts are sharp as a tack and no one will ever undermine my self worth again because I’m guided by them – without proof!
I can feel your pain if I choose to, but I’m not. My mind is going to stay clearly on the prize and that is that he will get what he deserves one day but I’m not the one that will deliver it – mostly not…hehe he doesn’t know what’s coming snd the dog WILL GET HIS DAY!
Jenna,
Maybe try to get up and do one thing. Don’t overload your mind, but just think of one task, like do some dishes or pay a couple of bills or something around the house that needs doing. Or take a walk, or run an errand if you’re up to it. Then see if you feel better, or if you feel worse and more overwhelmed.
I was not able to jump back into life all at once – it would have been nice to be able to do so, but considering the extreme trauma that you’ve endured, an extended recovery time is to be expected and it will be gradual with improvements evident week to week. You’ve been betrayed, abused, and raped; there may be some peace in being kind to yourself and not expecting too much. Rape and abuse by someone you trusted can be more emotionally traumatizing than stranger rape; and on top of that people in general have less understanding of what you’ve been through than in the case of assault and rape by a stranger.
I think you are a very strong person to be doing as well as you are. Is your counselor available to you if you feel overwhelmed or if you need more support than you’re getting?
Keep taking good care of yourself. I think you are doing great, and you will feel better.
Jenna,
You might also consider gently pushing thoughts of your ex and the trauma away from your conscious thinking from time to time to give yourself a break, if you can. You will go back to the grief processing again after taking a break. You may not be at that point yet, though, where you can do that, but if you can watch something light on TV or read or call a friend and chat. Maybe you’re doing these things already.
You will recover.
Jenna,
I’m glad that you’ve found some helpful things here.
It is natural to resent your ex’s other women. Love relationships are meant to be monogamous.
Whether he would abuse anyone depends only on if it suits his purpose and if he thinks he can get away with it. Regardless of how he happens to treat someone, no one would ever get anything positive out of interacting with him in a ‘relationship,’ and it is most likely any target would be harmed. The book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, calls any relationship with a spath a ‘relationship of inevitable harm.’
Spending time with your granddaughter sounds like a delightful and precious way to spend some time.
You’ve already won because you are determined to recover, therefore you will.
I am sorry this happened to you. It’s more than horrible, it’s unthinkable. You decided not to pursue it legally to protect yourself, and that is a legitimate decision. You may still have the option to take action later when you are stronger, but you are right to put yourself first. He probably did what he did to you knowing that he would likely not ever have to answer for it.
I can only offer my personal theology, that he will either repent and change his motives or he will be obliterated – eternal death, when he has clear knowledge of right and wrong. In this life he may ‘get away’ with harming others willfully, but his punishment is mostly out of your control. Frustrating and difficult to accept, but there may be some peace in trying to focus your energy on the things that are under your control.
You would be abnormal if you were not messed up by abuse and rape and betrayal. Of course you aren’t going to feel like nothing happened. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Your suffering is his fault. You’re not responsible for what he did to you, but you have the ability and power to recover from it. You will feel better, you will heal. This is a horrible time for you, but it will get better.
You’ve got a lot to deal with. I hope your surgery and recovery from that goes well.
In my experience spaths don’t embarrass very easily if at all. They don’t care whom they hurt, and some, like my ex psychopath, enjoy the power and control they feel when they make someone suffer.
Spaths retaliate because they want to ‘win’ very badly. You can protect yourself by getting away from him, being as ‘invisible’ as you can to him, and being aware that he does not have your best interest at heart and that anything and everything he say and does is a lie. Don’t believe anything he says or does ever, and always consider what his motive is likely to be. They don’t change.
You see clearly what you need and the kind of change you want in your life, and the kind of people you want to interact with. I think you will figure out what you need to do to get there and you will do it. It’s not easy, but you have some understanding and a strong desire to get out of the pain.
I think that you will be dating again and this will be a distant memory one day for you. You know you want this, you are determined to recover; and those are powerful motivations to make it happen, even though it isn’t easy and takes some time. I have the feeling that you will get there and have a good life with meaningful relationships and happiness, for yourself and for those you interact with.
jenna, my heart goes out to you. The holidays are tough enough without having to go through what you are dealing with. A lot of wisdom has been shared with you here the past few days and I’m glad it’s helping you.
I hope you will find the strength to give yourself a break from thinking of all the pain and questions for at least a little while. I know from experience how hard it is, but I also know how good it feels when you can give yourself a little relief. Giving your mind a chance to calm down a bit will make you feel so much better. I needed to go to a therapist to learn this: you can’t think clearly when your mind is spinning out of control. Trust me on this.
I had all the same questions that you do, and there is no rational explanation that will comfort you, only acceptance. Know that it wasn’t your fault, and nothing that you did or didn’t do. There is nothing wrong with you! Healing will take time, but you will get where you want to be. Focus on yourself right now.
I think taking your granddaughter out and about is a great idea! Maybe take her to a holiday movie, or for a drive to look at Christmas lights. Go out for a walk, exercise is good medicine.
I’m sorry you lost your mom this year. That alone would be enough to make the holiday tough for you. Be gentle with yourself. When I would start to spin, my wise therapist would remind me to do something that was soothing to me; coffee with a friend (only neutral conversation), a pedicure, an hour in a hot tub at the spa. At first I didn’t want to do it (and give up my precious rumination time) but it worked so well that it was almost miraculous. Even a half hour of quiet mind time will do you good!
Jenna-
You suffered a terrible betrayal. And your concept that people simply pick themselves up and walk away when that happens is not accurate.
Yes, sometimes people do, but not when a BETRAYAL BOND takes place.
There were two factors working together to keep you in that toxic relationship…
1. You have the brain chemistry and moral code of conduct that enables you to forgive. You are blessed with the capacity for unconditional love, and you were completely thrown that someone could be so beastly toward you. It basically was a shock to your emotional system, and it took you a while to work that through.
2. A “Misattribution Affect” can result from heightened levels of adrenalin and other hormones that provide your “fight or flight” reflex. It also contributes to bonding you with someone who you went through trauma with.
You should credit yourself with getting out of the relationship as fast as you did, rather than beating yourself up for how long you remained.
All the best!
Joyce
jenna, yep, it’s exhausting. I’m glad you went out though!
You miss him because from your experience and feelings as a normal person, you were in a real relationship and your feelings for him were genuine. I was with my ex for 7 years and when he discarded me, completely derailing my life, everything in me wanted to run to him for comfort. Stockholm syndrome. Textbook.
We were all groomed and programmed and that is why we didn’t leave when we saw the red flags. They exploit the fact that we are good and normal human beings.
Music is touchy. Because of my ex, I will never be able to enjoy Led Zeppelin again. I guess not such a huge loss, lol! Switch over to talk radio for awhile.
You are away from him. That in itself is a reason for celebration and gratitude.
Hannalie-
I love your comment about music…
My ex ended up with one of the wealthiest women in the world, the publisher for Elvis Presley, 75% of the music coming out of Nashville, and most of the hit music that filled the BillBoard charts in the 50s and 60s.
I couldn’t turn on the radio without the reminder of the harm he put me through bombarding my ears.
I’m happy to say that today, it reminds me of how far I’ve come!
Bogey anyone? Just don’t step on my blue suede shoes!
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!
Joyce
It helps me to keep in mind that “love is an action.” Spaths may say “I love you” while doing very unloving things.
I actually forgot the name of one of my ex’s adult daughters (the one that is probably a spath, too, and who was pretty terrible to me) in conversation with a friend the other day. First time I’ve ever felt glad about being forgetful! Felt like a milestone. It indicated to me that I don’t think about him and the things that happened enough to keep them in the forefront of my mind.
Jenna,
I think “I love you” means whatever the person saying it does and doesn’t do consistently over time.
Jenna-
I’m happy to try to get justice for you. I have some questions for you and this is too public. You’re a victim of date rape, and possibly rape by fraud. You can reach me at #RapeByFraud. I’m campaigning to change the rape laws in every state. The effort is called 50 Brave Women! You strike me as being very brave!
Joyce
Google RapeByFraud to reach my bog or http:\\www.RapeByFraud.com
Jenna
How was your Christmas sweetie? I hope it was a welcomed distraction like mine…
I told the narc one time, you make my anger burn whitehot. And I did not say I was sorry.
He deserved my white hot anger. And Im not an easily angered person — at all.
Just dont let ur anger eat YOU up hon. It if were possible for ur anger to swallow him up, it would be great (it won’t, EVER. He doesnt and can never care). But dont hurt urself with it.
Jenna
I understand that feeling of anger. I felt, and sometimes still do, feel ripped off but it’s driving me to get even, not revenge. I’ll go to a point but won’t cross the line. As a Spiritualist, I’ve learned to see karma in action and I won’t play with it. I’ve learned that the only way to get revenge is to be the best person that I can possibly be regardless of the pain that was caused…
I know it’s a hard concept but I learned to feel pity for him rather than anger – it took time but I’m in that space now and it’s a move from intense pain towards a better and more positive emotion – one emotion at a time.
Try this; he is living hell on earth. There is no “real life” or “real living” available for him – never…ever! It’s sad that his soul chose to incarnate as a lifeless sociopath that can never truly understand nor relate to REAL people – he will always be on the run from his actions, never stopping to feel any pain he’s causing so he can never learn from his mistakes and grow = that isn’t a life, that is hell on earth.
One day I’ll pull all my energy back from what took place and I’ll be a better person for it. I’d never do that to someone and that makes me feel a sense of pride – who would you rather be – him (revenge will help there) or you (I’m a better person than he is) – choose?
Sorry that you lost your mother while all this was going on, I can’t even begin to imagine how my daughter would cope without me at this stage of our journey – my sociopath destroyed her life, more than mine…
You are a worthwhile and valuable person. Spaths do not value anyone ever. They fake caring about someone when they think it will get the what they want. If the spath who victimized you cared about you as a real person, he would not have done what he did. If he lies and cheats he does not love you. He did not make one mistake and repent of it. He deliberately chose a pattern of behavior that he liked. He probably does not even know what love is and he does not miss it nor does he choose to find out what he is missing. Love is an action; it is what people do. When the words someone speaks contradict what he does, the words are lies.
You believed him because he deceived you; there is nothing wrong with you.
The painful reasons why he spent time with you will probably be clear to you in time. Whatever the exact reasons were, it was because he thought that spending time with you would get him something(s) he wanted. Spaths want things like sex, power, control, perceived status,admiration and worship, a venue to satisfy their sadism, a place to live, money someone else worked for, etc. They do not want to be honest, to keep their commitments, for others to be happy and to feel good.
I am so sorry this happened to you. There is a lot of horror in this present world. It is Satan’s world; he is god of this world for now (2 Corinthians 4:4)