UPDATED FOR 2022. Lovefraud received an email from a reader whom we’ll call “Ingrid.” She brought up a question that I’ve heard over and over. Ingrid asked me why sociopaths cheat.
Just wondering if you could tell me why sometimes they stay with others longer as I feel he wants this new woman for his main supply even though he was trying for a baby with me. What does a main supply have that I didn’t? He seems settled with her.
Ingrid, most sociopaths cheat on their romantic partners. In fact, they are often cheating throughout the entire relationship, but it may take you a while to find out about it. Or you may have caught hints that the sociopaths were cheating, but they were able to explain the situations away. Eventually, however, you have so much evidence that you can no longer ignore their infidelity, even if they keep lying about it.
Admitting the truth to yourself, you are hurt and angry at their betrayal. You may also feel that in some way you were not “good enough,” and that’s why the sociopath strayed. The sociopath may actually tell you that — but don’t believe it.
What you need to understand is that sociopaths will cheat regardless of who you are or what you do.
Here is the basic truth: Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. If a sociopath engages in a romantic relationship, it’s because the romantic partner is a target who has something that the sociopath wants.
What does the sociopath want?
So what does the sociopath want? It could be anything. Here are some possibilities:
1. Sex
Even if you are having regular, rambunctious sex with the sociopath, he or she will always be looking for a new sexual adventure. The new target may not be younger or more attractive — it’s just someone different.
2. Money
Many sociopaths are always on the lookout for someone whom they can scam for money. This is especially true if you are running low on funds because the sociopath has already convinced you to spend all your cash and run up your credit cards.
3. Housing
Sociopaths may like the new target’s accommodations better than yours. Or, the sociopaths may suspect that you’re getting ready to kick them to the curb, so they need a backup plan for living arrangements.
4. Connections
Sociopaths are frequently cooking up some “deal” or “project” — code for a scam — and the new target may know someone who knows someone who could be talked into participating.
5. Entertainment
Sociopaths sometimes start romantic pursuits for the fun of it, just to see if they can catch the target. This often happens with online involvements. Sociopaths keep sending texts and emails, proclaim love, promise to get together — and never show up. They never planned to show up — the whole involvement is nothing but a game.
These are just a few of the possible reasons for why sociopaths cheat. The truth is sociopaths do not even need a reason. The cheating may simply be that an opportunity presents itself and the sociopath pounces.
Sociopaths are incapable of love
If your romantic partner exhibits most or all of the the key symptoms of a sociopath, and you discover cheating, please don’t ask yourself, “What does that person have that I don’t have?”
Despite what sociopaths said in the past, they don’t love you and they never did, because they are incapable of love. So a new target just means that the sociopath has found someone else to exploit.
No happily ever after
So Ingrid, please understand:
1. There is no point in being a sociopath’s “main supply.” The main supply is just someone who has more to lose to the sociopath.
2. Perhaps the new target does have something that you didn’t have. Again, it means she has something else that the sociopath wants to take. This is not good for her.
3. If the sociopath seems “settled,” it’s only because the sociopath is engaged in a full-court press to snag the new target. Once she has been drained of everything the sociopath wants, she, too, will be discarded.
Here’s why sociopaths cheat: It’s just who they are and what they do. When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 17, 2015.
The myth of codependency in sociopathic relationships
I was in a relationship with a sociopath for a year and did not realize he was a sociopath until after I got out of the relationship and started doing some research. One thing I learned is that he had a definite pattern in relationships. He always had a “main” relationship and at the same time was involved with someone from the past and was always looking for new women. I had my suspicions that he was cheating when we were together but no solid proof. After we broke up, I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with his ex-wife and with who knows how many other new women. He always told me he liked to “flirt” but whatever they tell you, just times it by 100 and that is what they are really doing. The most important thing we can do is never blame ourselves. Their behavior has nothing to do with who we are. It is a hard thing to get over but time and education really helps. It took me over a year after the breakup to get my self esteem back and get back to the person I was before the relationship and it was a very difficult battle at times. I hit lows I thought I would never get out of but I did. Another thing to remember is that this is the life they choose to live and nothing we do will ever change that or make a difference. They truly do not care about the people they are with. And as far as his new relationships, yes, I feel bad for the new “main” women who have been in his life. I have even reached out to a couple of them to try and warn them. It worked with one but not with the next and he has been in a new “relationship” for over a year. Confirmation that he will never change is that to this day, he still reaches out to me and tries to cheat with me, exhibiting the same pattern as when he was with me.
Goodlife,
I’m glad you post this because mine was about a year and i’ve been recovering from the madness this whole year.
Not to over-analyze, but it’s like, if he is cheating with the ex nearly the whole time, then why are they exs and not together? So stupid! Either, she thought they were back together, or is ok with no commitment. To each his own I guess!
Not me, i’m done with all that!
Thank you for sharing!!!!!
Remembertoforget,
One thing I have learned is that the cheating is not about really wanting to be with that person or get back together with them. It’s about the conquest, the challenge, the need for multiple partners and the need to keep people in their lives. At least that is what I learned about my ex. The interesting part is that after I left and was in the process of learning that he was a sociopath, I thought about reaching out to his ex-wife because I thought some of what I had learned would be helpful to her. Well, she ended up reaching out to me and we talked for months, exchanging stories of what we had been through with him. She had no idea he was cheating on her when they were together until I shared stories he had told me. From her perspective, she was still in love with him and not over him and she thought that continuing to have sex with him while he was with me was getting back at me. Just shows you she has some twisted thinking going on.
I guess my greater point is that he lives this pattern because he is still doing it today and what he did has nothing to do with me. I know for a fact that he cheats on his current girlfriend with others because he has told me. And as I mentioned, he still tries to cheat with me and has in the past after we broke up. And I am sure he still has something going on with his ex-wife. The whole thing is just so crazy when I think about it now. It has been 16 months since I left him and what I went through after the breakup was even more difficult than what I went through when I was with him. And even today, I still have moments of regression and it affects me emotionally. I wonder if I will ever really be over this traumatic part of my life and fully healed.
I wish you the best in your recovery. Stay strong 🙂
Goodlife,
You are right…they want more, more, more. Feed me!
It was worse for me after too…
I would have small set-backs also. I think I am out of the woods now. 8 months out. 4 with no way left for him to contact me.
The whole cheating and recycling exes thing…it’s just my logical brain that says duuuh, just be with her, but I forgot, we were not dealing with logical people!
🙂
Add to the list number 6: NOVELTY. Sociopaths can get bored easily and nothing stays fun for very long. There is always a new game to win, whether it is duping someone new out of money, property or sex or manipulating an existing dupe into doing something new, especially if it is out of character.
NoMoreWool:
You are exactly right! I sensed his boredom this past weekend and by Monday Dr. Jekyll emerged leaving Mr. Hyde behind. I believe the straw for me was last week when he compared me to an unsightly woman in a store saying, ” look there is your sister.” He then tried to cover it up and apologizing. I could not shake that hurt even after he begged me to forgive him. The feeling lingered that entire evening as I wondered what would possess him to make that comparison and who the hell did he think he was? He has so many deficiencies I can’t count them. The more I think about it, as a born social worker I believe I was taking in a charity case.
Last week he told me he needed to go out alone on a Saturday night. I said fine go and that will be the end of you and me. He did not go. Two can play the game, however he was more masterful than I. I knew it by the way he zapped my energy. I am on day two and it is a struggle for me not to pick up the phone just to scream at him.
I think “sex addiction” should also be added. With my ex spath I know he cheated. He’ll only admit to ONE because I had all the proof to back up my position. No matter how often or how great the sex was between us, he would always sabotage it with his behavior. He of course would lie and deny, but during the last two years of our marriage I didn’t take his cheating and poor treatment of me personally. I have Katie Holmes to thank with the way she divorced her husband. So I did it slow, methodically, and clean. I backed him into a corner and he couldn’t get out of agreeing to a divorce. Actually, I set up a default divorce whereby he didn’t have to DO or PAY for anything. He threatened, but I just played him as he played me for 8 years. Now I am free. I tried all I could to save that marriage. Three “therapists”, behavior agreements, Post Nuptial agreement, nothing worked. So I just quietly planned my strategy for escape.
All of them ‘cheat’ at something. It might be sex. It could be cheating their business partner, or the bank, or whatever. They cheat. If you feel little to nothing for anyone else in the universe cheating is EASY.
It was the same in my ‘relationship’.
All the red-flags were there: love-bombed for a couple of months, mirrored my interests, gathered facts about what I ‘really wanted in life’, called constantly. Always talked about our future. Flattered me. Of course, even during this phase he was ‘off’. The flattery was shallow, the calls ‘too many’, the mirroring seemed a bit rehearsed. But I just thought he was eccentric, and ignored my gut. This guy ‘cycled’ pretty quickly, so the love-bomb was only about 3 months.
Then…bit by bit started needing needing needing….it became all about what he needed, and about what I could ‘help’ him with. He needed sex, a car, money for work, clothes, a plane ticket, rent, help with the bank….I figure from what I gave him and what he borrowed I was in for a good 25,000.00 within 9 months.
Then came the devaluing: started talking about an ‘open relationship’, took me to a ‘polyamorous’ meeting, ‘confessed’ that he kissed his previous girlfriend only a month into our relationship. Over time he needed ‘time outs’ from the relationship to ‘figure things out’. He needed some space. He needed to write in his journal, to ask ‘spirit’ what was best, to blah blah blah….all of it intended to keep me in his circle of influence.
Then the discard: Actively cheated during time outs, was out at night without me, was verbally abusive and angry, and ‘confessed’ he slept with multiple women; providing all the painful details. Then he started becoming destructive of my possessions (totaled my car, broke my stove, ruined my vintage couch, etc..). During this phase it was as if he made the situation so unbearable and awful that I was forced to leave. He didn’t actually break it off with me.
It was only after I was out, for about 6 months, that I figured out the extent of his lies and manipulations. I found dozens of other women, online, who had been duped by him. About 6 of them were with him when I was.
All in 9 short months!
Slimone:
My sociopath would claim such grandiose acts I did not believe him. He once told me he went to this rich lady friend of his who was going to put him up in an apartment so he could leave his marital home and be closer to work. It was a con to see if I would get an apartment in the city so he would have easy access to me. Once I said I would consider getting an apartment his rich girlfriend disappeared. I had no intention of getting an apartment but I knew he was trying to manipulate me.
I have to say this for this man, at least he never stole from me or destroyed my property and I believe he never would. He had many opportunities to take something of value, but he never did. I knew above all, he was not a thief in that sense. But a liar, con artist for getting me to buy things, pay his phone bill and help make his car payment he had no compunction. I am just shy of 11 months. It certainly has been a roller-coaster ride.
I am out just under 5 months and what I have learned since leaving is unbelievable. I lived with this man for 30 years and watched my life slipping away, I lost my self confidence, I felt paralized. He had countless affairs some short, many long term. The most hurtful, a family friend. He exploited me financially and and maintaind a steady round of emotional abuse. My life became so predictable. I tetered between misery and false hope. The final straw came when he made my will and attempted to dupe me into signing it. I’m not sure why this was finally my wake up call. I think it was something in my hand, it was tangible proof. I began to plot my escape that day. Over the next 3 months I methodically planned, organized, and finally bolted. To Diane, whatever it takes, GET OUT.
Pam, I am glad that you had that light bulb moment & escape your hell that you were living!!
Pam:
It is never too late to make the break. After all I have read it amazing you are still standing. The sociopath can destroy the human spirit. I saw it in my mother; who was married to my father, a sociopath and jail bird, as she referred to him. However, she never got over him. She even said things to my step dad, for the life of me could not understand how he tolerated?
Catnoch,
Wow- my mom never got over my dad and has been remarried for 30 yrs and still talks about my dad to/around him!
Only my mom is the disordered one, but still….
Today I gained the strength to break away from my sociopath boyfriend. I am not sure my story is unique in some form or another, however I believe it to be the most pathetic.
My husband died nearly six years ago and I have had no relationships other than one male friend who took me out for dinners occasionally to cheer me up. Last October, while out with a friend I met this very charismatic man of good looks and build. I met him for a drink the following week and after that began a relationship of sorts. He was very vague about who he was and would not even offer his last name. He did this in such a way it was almost funny, until I became attracted to him and he still would not offer his last name. I should have run away then, but as I say he has a way about him that draws you to him even when you tell yourself it is not right. He told me he lived with his sons and that he moved here from Bosnia 14 years ago where he left his divorced wife.
Because I have studied psychology you would think I would know better. I knew he was a sociopath from the get go, however I enjoyed the attention and the sex after deprivation for over 10 years. I take care of my elderly mother and am starved for company most times and I suppose I was will to overlook a lot.
This scenario is more bizarre the more I think of it, and I question myself about my personality makeup and what disorder I suffer from. As time worn on and I became more attached, more and more information evolved that caused me to break up with him on numerous occasions. I found out he was not divorced and his wife lived in that house with his married son, daughter in law and grand baby. His younger son later got married and his story is another whole chapter. Of course at first I ran and then little by little he would smooth talk his way back into my life. Then I learned he had a girlfriend of eight years and again I broke up with him. He then left this woman and smooth talked me to go back with him. Now that he drew me in, the manipulation began. Accusing me of perhaps having affairs with other people, always asking who I was on the phone with, making it difficult for me to have relationships with my friends by alway threatening me to never see me again. I clearly knew I was out of my mind and would tell my friends when I wake up from my coma I will get rid of him. I also began to believe I had a sick addiction to the sex and him.
I am ashamed of myself because I know I am a better person than this. I resigned myself into thinking I was helping this unfortunate person with giving him things he needed i.e. cloths, food, and medical care. One night he called me literally crying in pain. I helped by getting him to an emergency doctor who pulled his tooth for the mere price of $650.00. He was every so grateful and appreciative until his gums healed and then his ridiculous behavior began again. I reminded him how everyone else turned their backs on him and left him to suffer within his household. I have exhausted way too much money on this man inside of 8 months, however I kept it within my budget in my head. Still I spent far too much on this person in time, money and energy.
Without further detail of what transpired though out these last eight months, I will only say that because of my nature and my feelings for others, I find it difficult to sever the ties with a person who may have hurt me in some way. It is with the desire to find the good in people I know that causes me to hang on. Another aspect is that we hate to lose the battle. I must concede this battle before it cost me more of my precious life. He will survive fine because he has been doing this his entire life. For me, I lost a man that loved me with his whole heart and soul and I mourned his death for a long time. This mourning period will be short lived for me.
Catnoch, CONGRATS ON YOUR FREEDOM!!! You have escaped the grips of an evil sociopath…this is not an easy feat as they are masterful con artist who will do everything to not let their victims escape. YOU DID IT!!!!
Follow the “NO CONTACT RULE” now!!! It’s the only way to truly break free from the sociopath.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU….please know this. These evil people are con artist who are skilled at manipulating people. They target people who are kind hearted, loving, hardworking people. Experts believe that a sociopath has over 100 victims. So you are not this mans only vicim. He knows exactly how to extract info from their target vicim then use it against them in the future.
I have read many post from professional counselors who themselves have been conned by a sociopath so do not beat yourself up for having been educated or the fact that you saw who he was. Did you know that sociopath literally use hypnosis, brain washing, mind control & trance?
These evil people are the cult leaders of this world…it does not matter if they have 1 cult follower (domestic abuse) or 1 million followers such as they HItler type cult leader. They all do the same evil mind games to control their followers. THIS guy was your cult leader and you were his cult follower & this is why it was (is) so hard to leave a sociopath.
Sociopath mess with their victims mind so that the victim does not know which way is up or which way is down let alone find the door out of the relationship. They create so much stress, drama & chaos to literally stress out the victims adrenal glands causing the victims to end up with hormonal imbalance, high levels of cortisol & adrenaline in their body & vitamin/mineral deficiency all of this adds to why your mind is so confused. ***look into the symptoms of adrenal fatigue…see sites like adrenal fatigue. org, drLam. com & mialundin. com her book and her you tube videos. Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue include sleep issues, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, mood swings, etc etc it’s a long list.
PLEASE read Donna Anderson’s book (Lovefraud) & also my counselor gave me the book Women who love psychopath by sandra brown (THIS book is a must read!!).
When you are sad, mad, crying, angry or feel like you are going to break down & call him come here and vent…this will help you to clear your mind but most importantly will most likely be all you need to not call him. Also when you feel this way come to LF and read, read, read everything up at the top of this site & watch the videos up there too this will help you to break free your mind from your ex’s mind control & brain washing.
Do a search on the top right of Lovefraud and the internet for:
1) gray rock rule
2) no contact rule
3) gas lighting abuse
Also read the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan. He is a cult & domestic abuse expert who has been on 60 mins, Larry King Live, CNN, FOX, The John Walsh show & his book will explain the brain washing/mind control aspect.
In his book Steven Hassan states that ANYONE & EVERYONE can become a victim of a cult leader/domestic abuse especially when the person has a life change in their life such as a death in the family, going off to college, changing jobs or school, moving, divorce or relationship breakup etc etc. YOU had a life change with the loss of your husband & taking care of your mother.
Why this time? because during a life change the victim has their guard down focusing on the change and guess what a sociopath can spot this a mile away and swoop in to “help” or “save” the person. But in reality as we all know they are their to destroy a victims life.
You will find with time that you NEVER loved this man…instead he conned you into believing you loved and he created an addiction in you to need your fix = him. This is what you have to break free of.
Hugs to you 🙂
Take care
Catnoch, this is a great article on why the No Contact Rule is a must. Check out the Facebook pages Psychopath Free and also After Narcissistic abuse…they are both great sites to gather info as well as Psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat without your friends or your ex/his friends seeing what you are chatting about.
Take care
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”
Catnoch, you are not alone anymore…WE HEAR YOU…WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!
Also reach out to the National Domestic violence Center hotline in the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE you can talk with a counselor 24/7 365 days a year.
Also go to your local abuse center for free counseling & free women group meetings they are excellent and so helpful when you first leave. The national hotline can give you local numbers.
I am truly grateful for you. I almost did not post today. I deleted my first post because of SHAME. Thank you so much.
Jan7 thank you so much for your insightful words of encouragement. I believe inherently I knew in my heart of hearts what needed to be done. Silence is golden for sure. I knew the only way for this break to be successful is to not have any contact. I can use all the support necessary to get me through. I have a bunch of his clothes, most I purchased. In addition I put together this beautiful layette for the grand baby to be in a few days. I would like to still give the gift. I know this sounds crazy but I believe the child can use it. Thoughts?
Catnoch, your welcome.
PLEASE DO NOT feel shame at all. You were conned like the rest of us. The more you read up on this evil man’s disorder & related it to your relationship you will see that there is nothing to be ashamed of.
When I left I was embarrassed & had shame too thank goodness I had a counselor who told me from day one who my ex h (then husband) & that was the day I ended the relationship for good. I had my answer to all my prayers and know that he would never change & that he would kill not only my spirit more if I stayed but would have killed me physically. I sat in the parking lot of the domestic abuse center crying my eyes out & was so embarrassed to go inside for my schedule first counseling session but that step was one of the best step I took to move forward along with the women group meetings which were a true eye opening experience and also a true blessing.
As for the clothes & gifts…pack them up & meet one of his female family members in a VERY PUBLIC place like a coffee shop and do not talk about the relationship just hand over the items & be on your way. Then SHUT THE DOOR FOR GOOD on this guy by following the no contact rule. If there is no one else except to give them to him then drop them off at his home when he is at work or send them to him. That way you close the door & prevent him from coming around for his things.
If you give him these gifts/clothes to him personality he will con you back into his sick twisted world so avoid this at all cost!!!.
You CAN NOT be nice to a sociopath they will take full advantage of your niceness.
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview about listening to your gut. YOUR gut instinctively knows that you needed to go no contact without even know there was a rule. SO PLEASE follow your gut for your sanity & for your safety.
I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry that you lost your husband…such heartache & sadness you have experienced.
Keep asking questions & venting Catnoch it really does help tremendously.
Wishing you all the best!
Take care.
I am rethinking the options of the items…send them to him without a return address…spend the shipping money or donate all the items to charity.
YOUR SAFETY IS THE UPMOST IMPORTANCE RIGHT NOW!! So don’t go to his home like I mentioned above as this would be too dangerous.
PLEASE know that the most dangerous time for a women of domestic abuse is when she leaves her abuser so you must be on guard now.
Follow the No Contact Rule so don’t talk with his family/friends/him
If you have to call the phone company to block his number from calling your home.
Thanks for your concerns. I am aware of his comings and goings, so there is no danger of me having contact with him. I have also successfully blocked him and he has called all night. I am sure he is furious by now that he cannot call and manipulate me. This character is in a league all his own. However, I am not in fear of my safety because he would jeopardize his status here in the states and he knows it. He also would not want endanger his or his family to deportation.
i believe his family is part of his scam. Not the daughter in law however. I may be wrong, but she comes from Peru and was raised in a Catholic school. I think she believes the family is on the up an up. In the last few weeks I have learned more and more of the family. I believe the wife is willing to have her husband sleep around to supplement income. Whether it be with money, clothes, or entertainment he otherwise could not afford. He stayed five nights a week at my home and treated it like it was his until there was work to do. I had a few things he could have helped me with and he did do a few things. Just a few.
I know the wife is not an innocent bystander in all of this and I want to confront her and give her his clothes. She threatened, according to him to throw his clothes out but she never did. She has called a few times and left messages.
I know I cannot have contact with him because he has that silver tongue.
Take care and thanks once again.
Catnoch, as a former wife of a sociopath I would put his wife in the “victim” category too as she is living in hell every second of her day. Yes deep down she sees his con game but she is in surviver mode. She may go along with his evil ways so that she does not get the brunt of his abuse. She has learned to survive by being compliant.
I would say stay clear of his home because you do not want him/his wife to call the police as this is exactly what sociopaths do they turn the table and pretend to be the victims and with his “silver tough” he might just convene the cops to arrest you for trespassing.
This man has done such evil things to you…you have to remember that you CAN NOT be nice back to a evil person ever as they will take advantage of you.
Do a search on love fraud & on the net for *** “sociopath smear campaign” (this is what he has been doing to you with his wife to control you & her and he will do this with your friends etc)
Ask yourself this question:
Why do I feel compelled to give back his clothes after he has done nothing but lie, deceive and con me?
Catnoch,
Your last comments just hit me square in the ‘that sounds just like me’ eye.
“I find it difficult to sever the ties with a person who may have hurt me in some way. It is with the desire to find the good in people I know that causes me to hang on. Another aspect is that we hate to lose the battle”
What is that saying about before a fall goeth pride? I also hated losing the battle. And, at the same time, I too wanted to see the good in everyone. I identified as the STRONG helper, able to solve any problem and help any soul. For me, I have realized, this represented my own issues. What better target for a sociopath than someone who is over-identified with helping and never giving up on a person, or situation?
I am guessing, since you wrote you have some education in psychology, that you know that searching for the good in a disordered person’s character is like mining for gold in a kiddie swimming pool.
I also relate to your shame. We are left with SO much of it when we actually operate outside of our own values and ethics- as ALL of us do when we are entangled with someone who really, in the long run, only brings out the worst in us, and takes ZERO responsibility for themselves. Hanging out with the morally bankrupt threatens to bankrupt us too.
I look back, still, with a level of embarrassment about my own behavior around sex and attraction. I wore slutty clothes. I don’t wear slutty close. I mean, I just don’t. But I did then. I acted with abandon. But really, I am a pretty practical and organized person. But with him, I let ‘things’ go, including my own moral compass. I had moments of desperation that temporarily ruined me.
Temporarily.
This is what happens to all of us…you ARE NOT more shameful or guilty than any of us here. You are not more pathetic.
I was in a similar situation as you. I lost a 13 year relationship with someone who I loved very much. Then I met the sexy, handsome, charismatic sociopath, and my love-lost was turned into a kind of wreckless abandon, that seemed at the time, to be the answer to my pain.
And you are so right. Once you go no contact with the abuser you will begin to heal. Not just from this sick relationship, but also from the loss of your beloved husband.
Put yourself first….reclaim your heart and help it heal.
Slim
Slim: You write beautifully. I am truly sorry for your experience as well. The other day my computer was hacked. I had to call for help. While going through the process I was asked if I ever visited adult sites. I was embraced to say I had someone who had. The tech was kind as he said he wad not passing judgement, but rather needed to know. I told him my boyfriend had. I then remembered how he had forced me to watch woman having sex with dogs and I refused and he became annoyed. At the time I thought what could possibly excite a person watching this type of porn? I know men have odd tastes and I simply fluffed it off as a guy thing.
You speak of slutty clothes and I am reminded of all the moral compromises I made for this man. I am now beginning to think he was perverse in many ways and I was under his spell. I am not sure how I got so rapped up in it all of it because I grew up somewhat prudish. I ask myself, “how did this happen.?” Then I realize it happened out of desperation. I was so starved for attention I fell into this trap.
I have blocked the calls on both phones and he has called all night long. The house phone rings and the cell phone does not. So I count six times so far. He has never driven to my home as he can’t read signs because he does not have reading comprehension of the English language. He is limited and I am certain he will never come here to my home although he has been here at least 100 times. As long as I don’t go to the place Where we me,t I am certain we will never make contact again.
I thank you for your words and pray we all never fall into this sort of trap again.
Cat –
I think for some sociopaths it is a game to see how “bad” they can make “good” girls behave. The things you list above could describe the sociopath I escaped, except it never quite sunk to the level of vicarious bestiality. I have no doubt the sociopath would have enjoyed making me watch something like that though, just because of the level of discomfort it would cause me.
Even if he appears to give up on you, be prepared for him to randomly reappear whenever he feels bored and remembers what fun it was to manipulate you.
Best of luck on maintaining No Contact. Vent here as often as you need to – we have all stood in your shoes.
Catnoch,
I too have typically had hard times letting people go that have hurt me… I thought I could shed my morals on others and kind of prided myself on being a good girl, yet with an edge.
I’m guessing likely all of us here felt under a spell. I too thought he was for me…the answer to something.
You’ve done a great thing by coming here. These people have pretty much coached alot of us through this hellish part of of journey.
They have helped us go through the fire and come out the other side.
God bless you…
Remember:
Thank you for contacting me. This will be a crucial period for me. I faltered too many times with this man. He is so cunning and slick and I fell for his lines continuously.
I am so glad I posted today as this has been a tremendous help to get me through the first day. Again, thank you.
Cat.
The main problem of the Human , we trust so easily, never put any 2nd thought about the person in our mind and that is not good. Thank you for sharing this with me/us.