UPDATED FOR 2022. Lovefraud received an email from a reader whom we’ll call “Ingrid.” She brought up a question that I’ve heard over and over. Ingrid asked me why sociopaths cheat.
Just wondering if you could tell me why sometimes they stay with others longer as I feel he wants this new woman for his main supply even though he was trying for a baby with me. What does a main supply have that I didn’t? He seems settled with her.
Ingrid, most sociopaths cheat on their romantic partners. In fact, they are often cheating throughout the entire relationship, but it may take you a while to find out about it. Or you may have caught hints that the sociopaths were cheating, but they were able to explain the situations away. Eventually, however, you have so much evidence that you can no longer ignore their infidelity, even if they keep lying about it.
Admitting the truth to yourself, you are hurt and angry at their betrayal. You may also feel that in some way you were not “good enough,” and that’s why the sociopath strayed. The sociopath may actually tell you that — but don’t believe it.
What you need to understand is that sociopaths will cheat regardless of who you are or what you do.
Here is the basic truth: Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. If a sociopath engages in a romantic relationship, it’s because the romantic partner is a target who has something that the sociopath wants.
What does the sociopath want?
So what does the sociopath want? It could be anything. Here are some possibilities:
1. Sex
Even if you are having regular, rambunctious sex with the sociopath, he or she will always be looking for a new sexual adventure. The new target may not be younger or more attractive — it’s just someone different.
2. Money
Many sociopaths are always on the lookout for someone whom they can scam for money. This is especially true if you are running low on funds because the sociopath has already convinced you to spend all your cash and run up your credit cards.
3. Housing
Sociopaths may like the new target’s accommodations better than yours. Or, the sociopaths may suspect that you’re getting ready to kick them to the curb, so they need a backup plan for living arrangements.
4. Connections
Sociopaths are frequently cooking up some “deal” or “project” — code for a scam — and the new target may know someone who knows someone who could be talked into participating.
5. Entertainment
Sociopaths sometimes start romantic pursuits for the fun of it, just to see if they can catch the target. This often happens with online involvements. Sociopaths keep sending texts and emails, proclaim love, promise to get together — and never show up. They never planned to show up — the whole involvement is nothing but a game.
These are just a few of the possible reasons for why sociopaths cheat. The truth is sociopaths do not even need a reason. The cheating may simply be that an opportunity presents itself and the sociopath pounces.
Sociopaths are incapable of love
If your romantic partner exhibits most or all of the the key symptoms of a sociopath, and you discover cheating, please don’t ask yourself, “What does that person have that I don’t have?”
Despite what sociopaths said in the past, they don’t love you and they never did, because they are incapable of love. So a new target just means that the sociopath has found someone else to exploit.
No happily ever after
So Ingrid, please understand:
1. There is no point in being a sociopath’s “main supply.” The main supply is just someone who has more to lose to the sociopath.
2. Perhaps the new target does have something that you didn’t have. Again, it means she has something else that the sociopath wants to take. This is not good for her.
3. If the sociopath seems “settled,” it’s only because the sociopath is engaged in a full-court press to snag the new target. Once she has been drained of everything the sociopath wants, she, too, will be discarded.
Here’s why sociopaths cheat: It’s just who they are and what they do. When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 17, 2015.
The myth of codependency in sociopathic relationships
The silence is deafening. The phone now is not ringing and each hour of the typically times he would call have reminded me how manipulated I had become. I was walking on eggshells with every move of the day. If I did not pick up the phone at the exact moment he called he would play his game and say awful things while accusing me of all sorts of things. I had no idea how he had molded me into this puppet until today.
Playing these records in my head about all the things we did together and all the words that were said. The words, OMG the words. Then I become upset and say why should he get away with this? Why does this person get to walk away like he has done nothing wrong? I am not the type of person who allows people to get away with things. It may not be today or tomorrow, but he is going to feel the wrath one way or another. I know he has not regard for anyone, not even himself. No self-respecting man would take from a woman like he has. God is good because it has been raining so bad that I can’t go anywhere today. He is a lucky man today.
Don’t let him drag you into something you regret. If you can prove he has done something illegal and have the legal system hold him responsible, go for it – but only if you can do so safely. Revenge is not worth more than you are.
The longer you maintain No Contact, the more clarity you will regain. Sometimes silence is golden.
While I was on the phone with a friend he tried calling twice today and then he used his work phone to get through. He knows I had these gifts for his new grand baby so he called to tell me the baby was born. Because he has no one to share the news and he knows I have a soft heart so he once again is trying to manipulate the situation. His message is the same otherwise as in the past. He mentioned the birth of the child and then mentioned the fact I blocked him from both phones. As always this is his last call and then instructs me to block his work phone number as well. Well, it is the Grand Duca Hotel in Houston. Why would I block that? I may stay there one day with my friends when he loses his job.
I know silence is golden and as more distance is put between us the better off I will be. I am so disgusted with myself I can’t stand it. To think I became intimate with this man makes me ill. I was really looking through the rose colored glasses. Everyone else saw him as a creep except me. My children will be thrilled that I am done with him. They have chastised me over and over and begged I was not spending money on him. If they only knew.
I found the receipt for the items for the baby and will return them tomorrow. I should not feel the way I do. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know these people and the child should mean nothing to me. When I showed him what I had bought his face lite up like a Christmas tree with joy. He was so tender and sweet to me after that. Then he asked for me to compete the gift bag so he could take the gift with him last Saturday. I said no because the child had not been born yet. I almost gave in but he had me so frazzled on another request I forgot about it. I suppose it is meant to be and that new baby will never enjoy these things, nor her mother. I know they are of limited means the the beautiful things I bought would be novel. But then, what if they received them and returned them for the cash or discarded them? There are so many scenarios to consider. Who am I to give these gifts? He was only going to deliver them a the good grandpa. Once again taking credit for something he did not produce. I am just ranting here to get through this.
Thanks for letting me rant and thanks for your words that I need so desperately right now. My nerves are shot.
Catnoch, if it means so much to you why not send the gift via mail to the newborn’s mother? This would be the best way because like you state your ex will give the gifts and say they are from him as this is what sociopaths do.
THERE is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU….you are a NORMAL person with feelings & emotions and want the best for others…these are wonderful traits unfortunately you crossed the path of a con artist who exploited these wonderful traits.
Keep reading everything at the top and all of Donna’s wonderful main post as they will give you the insight to see that it’s not you that has issues it’s this evil guy who is a sociopath that has MAJOR issues!!
Glad you vented…it helps tenfold.
Hang in there…keep venting!! 🙂
Catnoch, turn it around and say “Silence is peace & calmness”…..finally you have peace from this evil monster.
I know it is hard when you first leave because he has manipulated you to think about him & his needs all day long, so now you need to fill your days up with things you want to do & things you want to think about for your future.
What every you do DO NOT seek revenge from this man…his revenge will come to him with his own behavior & people leaving his life like you did. Stay strong!
Hugs to you 🙂
Jan7:
Thanks so much. I know revenge is me never putting my hand in my pocket again for this man. Revenge is having him know that I know his game is up. What a lesson on manipulation at this level. The mind games he played and his shrewdness when in fact is not that intelligent is what gets me. What the hell was I doing with a person I could not have a conversation other then defend my actions or the weather. We began a conversation last week on the JFK assassination and his views were so ridiculous I almost bought him a book on the topic, but then I realized he can’t read. This is why he was so limited in where he could travel/drive or go out to eat. He liked places that have pictures on the menus. If we went to eat I would have to read the menu and explain items to him. If he ordered a beer, they usually did not understand him and I would have to repeat it. He would ask if they had Budweiser. What restaurant does not have Budweiser? He knew what he wanted in the supermarket however. Procuitto, mortadella and expense cheese, olives and other meats from his country.
My monthly expenses will be cut drastically and in time I will recoup what I have spent on him. This must be one of the most expensive lessons of my life. Monetarily and emotionally. Thank you all for your support as I get through this difficult period of quitting COLD TURKEY.
Catnoch, YES! That is the best revenge…not to give him money or play his game!!
I know, the lessons we have learned by all this is astonishing….if they would have only taught this in high school it would save so many victims for these evil people.
His conversation about JFK might have been him trying to get you mad or part of gas lighting abuse (google)….playing “dumb” might have been part of his con game (pity play manipulation google this)….you never know with these evil guys if they just see the world so differently or that they are manipulating you or a combo.
Yes, when you cut them out of your life you will realize you can actually save money in the bank again 🙂
You’re welcome again. We have all been exactly where you are now…so many people lifted me up, let me rant & vent and also ask a ton of question when I first left too so please know we are here for you to lift you up in your time of need.
Also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day soon you will be standing in the sunshine again just be patient with yourself during this difficult time…be kind to yourself too…dont put the blame on you but place it firmly on him a con artist sociopath. Yes, we can all learn from this horrible experience and in the future we will demand respect and will remember that trust is earned over time that we will need to keep people at a distance until they have earned our trust.
Take care 🙂
Catnoch,
Right now it’s so raw, so shocking, then you will still be likely in a fog as you process all of the information and memories.
We have all been there, it’s not you! My ex was such a con-man salesman-yep a salesman for real!
No contact is the only way. Read and vent.
You can do it!
After ten months of a ritual of scheduled and non-scheduled (check up) calls I am realizing the manipulation even more. We think it is because they miss us or they care when in fact this is all part of the manipulation and mind control. These tactics are also a way to know just how to read us for further manipulation.
Throughout my entire life no one has ever controlled me. No one! My friends were astounded on how I was controlled by this man and were so confused on how a once very independent woman would let a man, this man control her.
Today is day four and I believe I am getting stronger. I know what needs to be done for me to have closure and I will do it today. You all here have been very kind and I truly appreciate all the words of encouragement. My friends too have been concerned and checking in constantly. The worst times are when I am alone and thinking, but I will try to think of positive things and plan for my future and how in time this will be a distant memory. I am beginning to regard it as a bad job that I actually hated and needed to change. Believe me, it was becoming a job as he was very demanding. I am too ashamed to admit all I was doing to maintain this relationship. However, suffice to say, I was a first-class moron.
This guy may find another sucker, but believe me, he will never find one that is more kinder or giving than I. Funny, I never realized his clothes in the beginning. For some reason I did not think about it because I was not looking for flaws. Now reflecting back on it, I think had I taken a closer look I may have been turned off by his appearance. My husband was a meticulous dresser and was always neat and clean. I am not sure, but I believe had he not been with me, he may not have showered everyday. He hated to shave and made a project out of it. The more I think about him and how lazy he was I am becoming more furious with myself. I would never let my children be that lazy. He was very clever. Each time I asked his could he or would he do something for me, he either procrastinated so long I did it myself or he would have an excuse his stomach hurt and complain about the restaurant the night before.
I am hanging in there and I am keep praying for strength.
Catnoch, you should be so proud of yourself…you have reached out for answers and found your way to Lovefraud and you have reached out by posting & having the help of your friends in your recovery process. This is a HUGE step hon & you should pat yourself on the back for this.
Yes, the shame & embarrassment of being conned lies with every vicim when you first leave so you are not alone but with time & with fully educating yourself you will come to the conclusion you have nothing to be ashamed of OR embarrassed for because YOU are a kind hearted person who was simply put conned by a masterful con artist sociopath. Even the police & FBI have been conned by these type of people and they are educated this is how crafty these evil people are.
Keep venting & posting your feelings it really does help to know you are not alone & to get all the craziness out of your mind so you can heal. Your mind is opening up and seeing the truth…and most likely you will come to the conclusion you were never in love with him he had just manipulated you to believe you were.
Praying & sending you lots of hugs 🙂
Take care
I just wanted to add that experts believe that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths and that 1 in 5 have narcissistic personality disorder 75% are men. So these evil people are every where like land mines that you have to avoid. education is key & so is listening to your gut when you meet someone new.
Jan7:
Thank you again and again. You are so right. It was not love, it was many things but not love. I know this now after seeing him yesterday. I know you said not to do it, but I left everything in front of his house and then went to his job to confront him. I needed to do this as I needed to know I could do it. My past attempts were not successful and I became emotional. I believe because I don’t have him calling and leaving his cryptic messages and him mind control methods I become much stronger. I also keep playing what led me up to shutting him down in my head and this has helped tremendously.
I am sure I shall have moments and will think of something good about him but really the bad out ways the good so heavily those moments will be short lived. I am thinking this moment how lazy he was, yet complained of lazy people.
I am grateful for this site and all of you.
Sincerely
Catnoch, your welcome 😉
Each of us has to find our own closure on our abusive relationship…for me after 12 hellish years of being married to one I never wanted to see my husband again when I finally had the strength to leave him.
For you you needed to see your ex and confront him. That’s ok. But here are my words of wisdom for what they are worth…Dont go back to confront him a second time or even call him for many reasons but the biggest being he could turn the tables and get a restraining order on you which will be on your record or he could call the police and have you arrested. I have read many many many accounts from Lovefraud victims and other support sites vicitms who have had the tables turned and the sociopath plays the vicim and gets their ex arrest. So please please please be very careful when dealing with this sociopath. They are masterful manipulators!
But good for you for taking control and taking back your power!!
Remember too your closure is finding out that he is a evil sociopath and that the no contact rule is the only way to heal. These two things are also your power!!
YES, I totally agree with you “the bad out ways the good”…I remember making a list of pros & cons in my mind of my then husband behavior and there were zero good things about him. He was a pathological liar & lied to everyone about everything, he talked about me behind my back & spread lies to everyone from day one, he cheated I believe now dozens of times, was abusive in every form, is a con artist etc etc. Nothing is good about a sociopath except getting them out of your life as quickly as possible.
I always say one thing the sociopaths of this world never counted on was their victims connecting with each other & lifting each other up to heal together 🙂
Wishing you a great day!!
So many powerful words. Thank you all for your insights. I’m now 4 weeks NC. I still struggle with thoughts that I “lost” when he married someone else. I’m also emotionally triggered by women who look like her, pictures of weddings,,and mentions of the town he moved to. Every day gets slightly better, however.
I realize now how out of my mind I was. While we were together, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to have to accept the fact he was always going to be a cheater. Somehow, I talked myself into thinking that was going to be OK. I was totally fooling myself.
I had proof that he cheated on me the entire time we were together with multiple women. I got two STDs, and I feel fortunate I didn’t get any more than that. I think one of the reasons I stayed with him so long was that I really don’t want to go back on the dating scene with STDs. I’m embarrassed to talk about them. Sigh.
Claimmypower:
You hang in there. This is week one for me. I was fearful of any STD after learning a few things about my sociopath but I was lucky as he was careful not to bring anything home to his wife. He is very clever.
Yesterday I removed every reminder of him and took them over to his house where I left them in front of his house. Then I went to his job and waited for him to come out and confronted him face to face. He actually tried to use his tactics on me once more. I had to do this for myself even though everyone said don’t do it. I am a very strong willed person once I put my mind to it. I told him I am aware of everything he did with respect to his manipulation and I needed to shut it down. He bag blaming me for this break-up and I reiterated I needed to shut it down and his current tactic was not going to work. I told him he could find his things in front of his house. I then pulled away. He caught up with me on the highway and tried to talk with me and I ignored him. He pulled along side on the drivers side later on and I ignored him. He then went on my passenger side again and try to use his smile on me. I smiled back and then pulled away. I am now done and making plans to go out with friends and get back with my life.
I hope by this time next month he will be a distant memory. He was more work than he was ever worth. I pray you will have closure soon. Make plans to go out and meet people. If you meet a man you don’t have to get intimate right away and you will get to feel him out to see when the right time to tell what you feel you need to tell.
I was out of my mind as well, so I know how you feel. My head is coming down from the clouds each day that passes.
All the best.
Catnoch – getting out with people is definitely a good plan. Many of my friendships evaporated because I just couldn’t devote any time to other people. My ex said disparaging things about my friends, so I avoided them. He was also super suspicious that I was out cheating on him whenever I did something with a friend, so eventually I stopped.
I really felt like going out tonight, but couldn’t think of anyone to call. Many of my friends have spouses, or aren’t the last minute “let’s grab supper” type. I’m thinking of joining some groups, so I can meet more people. I’m also planning to sign up for dancing lessons this fall.
At times, he seems like a distant memory, and then something happens to trigger memories or feelings….sometimes good, sometimes bad. I continue to do a lot of reading and I’m working with a therapist and life coach. I find that bringing new things into my life helps tremendously. Being with people helps. Keeping busy helps. When I find my mind drifting back to him, I tell myself to stop fantasizing. I’m a huge daydreamer, which keeps me paralyzed if I let it go on. I still find my mind considering him when I’m making decisions and plans. Frustrating.
Congrats on a week! Stay strong. I found it got more difficult at the two week mark, for some reason.
CMP
Claim:
Look up meetup.com in your area. You will find many activities you may be interested and meet some nice people. I created a meetup called Aspiring Gourmet. We have had great meet ups and some were in my home where we cooked some fabulous meals. Other times we go out enjoy a good restaurant. I have 167 members since I started. Some have over 1000. Select things you are interested and try them out.
My ex made sure to put atop to me creating new meet ups because he was jealous. Every thing I am reading here is that we all had similar incidents and forms of manipulation propounded upon us. It is scary how these men mirror each other’s personality.
Give meetup a try. You may wan to work on your own meet up.
Enjoy!
claimmypower
As you explore various meetups, beware they are sociopath magnets as well. Keep your distance from the lotharios and enjoy for YOU, not for anyone else or to meet anyone. You need healing time and to erect strong boundries against LoveFRAUDS and that’s a process which takes a while.
Notwhat:
In the last two years of meetup.com I have not come across one sociopath. The sociopaths usually don’t belong to this clubs as they are geared toward special interests and you have opportunity to decide if you like a group or not. I even belonged to widows and widowers for a while and never found anyone that would were perceive as a sociopath. Most were in mourning and were just out to meet and greet others. With respect to the other meet ups I joined it was either out for dinner or a show and I never encountered anyone like my sociopath. It is going out to clubs that is dangerous as they size you up as I was sized up as loneyly and as soon as I said I was a widow, bang.
I have a meetup schedule this Wednesday and I have 8 people signed up just to meet, eat and have conversation. It is a good start.
OMY Catnoch,
Driving like that…. he put your life in danger! And the lives of others. That’s such dangerous driving!
Notwhat:
It was not like you imagine. The traffic was backed up and going very slow. There was no lives in danger. I would not allowed that. I know how to stay clear if I believe that would be an issue. Relax.
catnoch
I was responding to your post where you said you were driving on a highway. I didn’t see the part where you said the traffic was crawling. I have seen this behavior that you described when traffic was NOT crawling, men chasing their victim, weaving from side to side, until something bad happened, so I think my concern was appropriate.
Claimmypower, CONGRATS on 4 weeks of NC!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
You have taken back your power!!!
Every vicim sadly feels “out of (my) mind” when living with a sociopath. Once you leave and you have time away from them your cortisol levels & blood pressure decrease allowing the brain fog to slowly decrease. I did the same “talked myself into thinking that was going to be ok”…the reality is the sociopaths plant seeds of doubt in our minds & isolate us from the outside world so slowly over time we become dependent on them. Once we leave we realize they are the ones dependent on us.
I am sorry for your health issues…it’s such a nightmare…the chaos, drama, and damage from these evil selfish sociopath is goes on and one. No reason to be embarrassed to talk about it…we have all gone out to get tested. I remember after having proof of my ex h (then h’s) affair & him finally admitting to it then going to the doctors to get tested so embarrassing to explain everything to the doctor and I remember thinking sitting in the doctors office that here I am a good person walking a straight path in life getting tested because of my h not walking a straight path. My then husband never even thought about getting test until I made him get tested because I wanted to know if he had anything that he could have given me & I wasn’t showing any signs. He just did not even care this is what sociopath do they just don’t care. So crazy.
Hugs to you! Congrats on 4 Weeks!!! Huge step in the right direction!! 🙂
Thanks, Jan7. I do find my body settling down. I’m sleeping so much better, and people no longer tell me how tired I look. I am struggling with an old eating disorder which has reared its ugly head in the last 4 weeks. I think it is a combination of anxiety, feelings of failure, boredom and too much isolation. Too much time alone at my house is a trigger. Although I dearly love my neighbors, I may need to move. Too many failed relationships and loneliness in this big suburban house. My neighbors are like my family, so I have fear of becoming more isolated if I move. I’m taking steps to get ready, though…..downsizing my stuff, cleaning out cupboards, etc.
Hugs to you. Thank you for your pearls of wisdom.
First Saturday alone in a long time. As I reflect on my routine I am mindful of all the extra work added to my life having him around without getting anything other than sex back. For me sex is a mutual gratification act. Therefore, thinking of the very little I received in help around this house confirms his uselessness.
I am spending the day arming my self with as much information as possible. Jan7 you have offered much good reading material. In addition I found the following: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath. If in doubt this is an excellent tool. Not only if you are in a relationship, but also if you work with a sociopath or a family member is a sociopath. After reading through this, I am totally convinced there are many sociopaths among us.
Thank you for this article. While I have not had contact with my ex for a while, sometimes I think about our relationship and how quickly it felt like he moved on (with the person he cheated on me with) and I would ask the same questions that “Ingrid” asked. What didn’t I do, does this woman have a new and improved person, and he has kids with her and got married?–things I wanted but could never get with him.
Of course I am thankful that I was able to get away with out more permanent ties. Recounting the situation messes with my head and can sometimes lead me down a path of what’s wrong with me? He works nearby and knows how to find me, sometimes getting in touch with me about work things that don’t really require us to be in touch. I know this is part of the game. But it’s difficult to accept sometimes that a person who you would do anything for could be so deceptive and manipulative.
This article is a great reminder that letting the person go is the best thing you can do for yourself. And sadly, the next person may not be as fortunate. These people don’t change.
I know my ex cheated and I were stupid enough to get back with him, he not going to drop his side chicks for anything. Cheating is selfish, but the women my ex chooses to bed down ate in relatiomships with dangerous men.
What I want to know is if any one has a spouse who pays too much attention to teenagers or younger children. I have caught my ex friend requesting the teenage daughters of mutual friends, staring endlessly at the 5 year old daughter of another co-worker and had raunchy porn magazines of late blooming wimen who were over 18 just lacked womanly bodies. Makes me think thats why he was interested in me. I was 19, he was 9 years older. I also still have not aged since high school. This was told to me by my son who said that I had to be a time traveler when he saw my high school yearbook picture. The woman of the mother I told my ex was attracted too, she is still friends with him. It disgusts me.
Edited to say “If I were stupid enough to get back with him.” Letting all know that I have no desire to be held hostage, have my phone calls monitored, my online social media stalked or my life ran the way my ex sees fit.
You just said a mouth full. Held hostage, phone calls monitored, my online social media stalked or life ran. This has been my existence for the last 10 months. Today he asked if I wanted to get back with him after a one hour conversation where I told he is is nothing more than a sociopath and all his tactics I am well aware. I said yes to see his reaction. His cynical laugh was enough to let me cringe. I know he thought I was serious but his laugh said it all. It said, “ha I got you right where I want you. You are mine and I can manipulate you anyway I please.
I still have his calls blocked but he called from another phone and I gave him his ten minutes which resulted into an hour plus. I let him say all the stupid things he wished and then when he was done I let him know I was aware of his tactics. He wants to blame me for the break up because “he” has done nothing wrong and he loves me deep. Yeah right! I know the no contact rule is best, but I am having difficulty processing all of this and coping. My phone is still blocked so he needs to go out of his way to call me. He won’t do this unless it is convenient.
Sophia,
Hello.
Your post about the young girls caught my eye, unfortunately my ex spath had the same thing going on.
Long story short..I found child porn on his phone.
They were websites, 4 open when I saw his phone what I saw mae me want to puke on sight. They were clearly very young girls about 9 years old and I confronted him.
At first he admitted it saying he was a sick %$#^, then he said his friend looked at it on his phone that went in to the girls on there are over 10 and dressed up to look younger…so it was all ok. BARF.
I also found him staring at someone while we were out having lunch, he had never done that before always kept his eyes on me.
As we were leaving the restaurant I looked to see who he had been looking at with that disgusting grim on his face, it was a young girl about 11 who was smiling back at him.OMG.
I later found out that he was grooming his 11 year old granddaughter by marriage and eventually moved to the state where she lives to “help her mom”. OK, sick pervert.
UGH.
He is 50 years old and looks older.
Yuck, sorry just thinking about all of this is so disturbing.
I warned the proper people and thats all I can do.
So to answer your question…yes.
Stronginthecity
Edited above , he said the little girls on the website were 18 and over dressed up to look younger.
As if thats ok. sick.
OMG! I don’t know what you did, but if I had have had more evidence that what I saw him attempting to do, I would have called the cops on him. I surely would have and for the following shelfish reasons. If he were to get caught he would have been on the news, parents would have been whispering and pointing and in the middle would have been me and my child so I woulda promptly packed us up and left then worked on terminating his parental rights.
Today marks the end of week one. I have struggled terribly with sleep and just calming my monkey brain down. My friends have for the most part been supportive, however the pounding on me only makes me feel like this man is back in my life. I know they mean well and I have to remind them that this is like another death for me. Erasing someone from your life is not easy even if they were sociopaths. It was a part of my life for almost a year and it is not like a girlfriend it is a person you became intimate with. It just is not that easy. Too much emotion tied in to the mix.
I am keeping my self busy. It is most difficult for me because I am so isolated to begin with. I care for my elderly mother and am at home alone a lot. My mother is not much company as she has Alzheimer’s and her communication level low on current events. She watches television all day or sleeps. This makes it more difficult for me. I do however have something planned for tomorrow night, so I am looking forward to getting out.
Little by little I am understanding how he perpetrated his deed on me. For me this is important because it allows me to take a good look at myself and understand my weaknesses and vulnerability. I know he saw me as an easy mark as soon as I told him I took care of my elderly mother. This should have been a red flag because most men run when you tell them that. I thought, “well he is European and they are more sympathetic to the elderly.” If I were to reveal why I did some of the things I did, you would think I was totally out of my mind. I think I was.
Last month in Psychology Today, was a headline article called “Betrayed” How to survive a manipulator.. As I read it, I knew I was being manipulated but to what extent I was not getting until now. A woman writes in feedback with respect to that article in this months addition, “The Drama of Deception” hit very close to home. She talks of a guy she was engaged to and how he deceived her throughout the relationship. She now was forced to take a look at herself and understand why she was attracted to him in the first place, and why she stayed in spite of the red flags. She finishes with her remarks saying instead of focusing on why we fall victim to the scam, but rather focus on who you will become and the importance of using what you have learned from the experience as fuel to move in that direction. Who will we become? For me, I will become the cynical person I once was. I had a boyfriend years ago who accused me of being cynical. I found this to be a bit insulting at the time. I have a new opinion today. I think that cynicism served me well in my younger years. I found out very soon what he was about and moved on without shedding a tear as I did with a few others.
I know I am going to struggle some more because I had such high hopes for this individual and prayed I could somehow turn him around to be a better person. I know now this is his life, this is who he is and what he does to survive. He is so cunning it makes me ill to think how I fell prey to his antics. Because of my age I think of how ashamed I am because of the intimacy and the willingness to trust someone and allow them into my bed. I have the biggest problem because it took me so long to allow this.
And this too will pass.
Well, shoot. I feel like I’m back at square one. My ex texted me last night for the first time in 4 weeks. He said he would be in town next week and had something of mine. He asked if he could drop it on the porch. Translation: “I’m testing you out to see if you’ll consider having me stay with you for some lovin’ while I’m in town.”
We sent a couple texts back and forth. I told him it was fine to drop it off on the porch if he was in the neighborhood. . He seemed disappointed I didn’t take the bait. He was looking for more, I’m sure of it. Now I’m nervous knowing he’ll be back in town. My anxiety and anger toward him multiplied today. Ugh. I was doing so good. Now I’m back to obsessing and thinking what I would say to him if I run into him. Gotta stay strong.
For what it is worth, you are not alone. I too faltered and a allowed myself to get sucked into a pissing match. I was allowing him ten minutes, which resulted into an hour and one half. There was the blame game. There was the talk of how I did not really ever love him because I broke up with him. Then came the manipulation and the hateful remarks to try and hurt me once more. Then I explained that I know his who game and that he is a sociopath. I am not sure but he somehow did not take offense to me calling him a sociopath but if I call him crazy he gets angry. He then set demands on me if we were to get back together. I told him it would never happen. He knows the jig is up.
It is so hard to make the break. I know he is bad for me. I removed everything last week from the house so the chances of him coming back are slim to none. He was furious where I left the belongings. We also had a fight last week when he pulled one of his hateful routines on me. He was sitting on the back patio when this occurred. I took the hose and hosed him down. He did not think I would do it. I probably would not have but what he had done early and then again I decided he was way too hateful and he needed a cooling off. I believe this was when I began turning a corner.
He called tonight and we talked about nothing. Said good bye and that was that. He may or may not call again. One thing is for sure. He is not going to dictate my life. He is too expensive for me and he has nothing to offer me. I just need to wean myself off him. No more intimacy for sure. My friends think I should hate him. I don’t. If I were to hate him it would never end. For me it just needs to die a slow death and I will be done.
For what it’s worth…No contact is the way. Block, delete, deactivate, numbers, texts, and social media. No contact is for us, to get clarity and peace and ultimately to heal.
Every contact is like starting back over.
When your ready. They will not change.
Best…
Stay strong.
🙂
Thanks, I know all of it to be true and it does work. The finality of anything causes me deep distress. I believe it stems from when I was a little girl and continued as I suffered losses in my life. I don’t do well with separation. It took 5 years for me to settle down after my husband died. I still miss him terribly and if he is looking down on me he would be disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me and can’t stop kicking myself around for what I got myself into and the time and energy I exhausted on this man.
Thanks for replying.
I will try to get strong.
Remembertoforget, I completely agree that no contact is the best way. I have kept no contact for a while now but it was hard starting out. I would block and then unblock him, feel bad and convinced myself that I was reading too much into his actions” what does it hurt to leave the channel open and hear from him occasionally? Maybe he HAS changed and I won’t know unless I can reach him and he can reach me.
Except it does hurt you and s/he won’t change.
One of my very good friends is against blocking exs, she thinks that the ultimate ability to move on is to have an ex contact you and it’s not a big deal. And part of me agrees with her–except sociopaths are not normal people. S/he does not want you to move on, does not want you to be healthy, wants you to want him/her, not because there is a real future but because it gives them supply.
It sucks to realize I was manipulated and lied to, and that the relationship was not what I thought it was. I thought that one day he would realize all his mistakes and come back begging me. Even now with kids, that he would realize what he lost.
I am stronger for blocking him and continuing to move forward. It is not easy and I have days where I wish it didn’t have to be like this. You are right that every contact is like starting over. And you can only do it when you are ready. Thank you.