UPDATED FOR 2022. Lovefraud received an email from a reader whom we’ll call “Ingrid.” She brought up a question that I’ve heard over and over. Ingrid asked me why sociopaths cheat.
Just wondering if you could tell me why sometimes they stay with others longer as I feel he wants this new woman for his main supply even though he was trying for a baby with me. What does a main supply have that I didn’t? He seems settled with her.
Ingrid, most sociopaths cheat on their romantic partners. In fact, they are often cheating throughout the entire relationship, but it may take you a while to find out about it. Or you may have caught hints that the sociopaths were cheating, but they were able to explain the situations away. Eventually, however, you have so much evidence that you can no longer ignore their infidelity, even if they keep lying about it.
Admitting the truth to yourself, you are hurt and angry at their betrayal. You may also feel that in some way you were not “good enough,” and that’s why the sociopath strayed. The sociopath may actually tell you that — but don’t believe it.
What you need to understand is that sociopaths will cheat regardless of who you are or what you do.
Here is the basic truth: Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. If a sociopath engages in a romantic relationship, it’s because the romantic partner is a target who has something that the sociopath wants.
What does the sociopath want?
So what does the sociopath want? It could be anything. Here are some possibilities:
1. Sex
Even if you are having regular, rambunctious sex with the sociopath, he or she will always be looking for a new sexual adventure. The new target may not be younger or more attractive — it’s just someone different.
2. Money
Many sociopaths are always on the lookout for someone whom they can scam for money. This is especially true if you are running low on funds because the sociopath has already convinced you to spend all your cash and run up your credit cards.
3. Housing
Sociopaths may like the new target’s accommodations better than yours. Or, the sociopaths may suspect that you’re getting ready to kick them to the curb, so they need a backup plan for living arrangements.
4. Connections
Sociopaths are frequently cooking up some “deal” or “project” — code for a scam — and the new target may know someone who knows someone who could be talked into participating.
5. Entertainment
Sociopaths sometimes start romantic pursuits for the fun of it, just to see if they can catch the target. This often happens with online involvements. Sociopaths keep sending texts and emails, proclaim love, promise to get together — and never show up. They never planned to show up — the whole involvement is nothing but a game.
These are just a few of the possible reasons for why sociopaths cheat. The truth is sociopaths do not even need a reason. The cheating may simply be that an opportunity presents itself and the sociopath pounces.
Sociopaths are incapable of love
If your romantic partner exhibits most or all of the the key symptoms of a sociopath, and you discover cheating, please don’t ask yourself, “What does that person have that I don’t have?”
Despite what sociopaths said in the past, they don’t love you and they never did, because they are incapable of love. So a new target just means that the sociopath has found someone else to exploit.
No happily ever after
So Ingrid, please understand:
1. There is no point in being a sociopath’s “main supply.” The main supply is just someone who has more to lose to the sociopath.
2. Perhaps the new target does have something that you didn’t have. Again, it means she has something else that the sociopath wants to take. This is not good for her.
3. If the sociopath seems “settled,” it’s only because the sociopath is engaged in a full-court press to snag the new target. Once she has been drained of everything the sociopath wants, she, too, will be discarded.
Here’s why sociopaths cheat: It’s just who they are and what they do. When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 17, 2015.
The myth of codependency in sociopathic relationships
Cat,
I too have always had a hard time letting people go. Always.
I was with him just shy of a year. I tried to break up every other week once the mask slipped. He was constantly crying or begging or telling lies.
The aftermath was worse, the hoovering- it took a few months to cut my lines of communication 1 by 1.
I have been doing inner child work lately and I finally get it.
When you are ready- I can give you some resources. I find it all to be a process. You are fresh out.
It’s been 4 months since he has had not one way to contact me. 8 since the split.
I am finally getting/over it.
Hope some of this helps.
I spent the night tossing and turning and have gotten little sleep in the last two weeks. I too broke up with this man on numerous occasions. This is the first time I blocked his calls. I don’t miss his insidious calls where he would constantly accuse me of something which would infuriate me. He enjoyed it I am sure.
Today I realized that in the last two weeks I filled my gas tank once, and my grocery bill is 1/3. I was filling my tank twice a week and the EZTag was charging my card twice a month when I would have to recharge every few months. He was a tremendous drain on my bank account as he was always in turmoil of some sort.
The next few weeks I will spend cleaning out my house and cleaning out my head. I pray for strength as I just came from the doctor and the report was not good. The doctor says that most of what he sees certainly can be brought about by stress. I know it was affecting my health badly and my hair is so thin and keeps falling out. How do we let another human being do this to us?
Thanks for reinforcing everything. I sure do need it.
catnoch,
I so relate to everything you wrote in this post. I lost nearly 15lbs, and was in the double digits category. Had to cut my hair because it thinned so badly. I didn’t sleep, was jumpy, irritable, and cried at that drop of a hat. I felt like a scared white rabbit, trapped. I lost my job because I simply could not keep up, plus I am sure I acted like a crazy woman. My co-workers told my boss they thought I was taking ‘drugs’. I wasn’t. I just couldn’t eat or sleep, so I looked like hell.
And I had no money left after saving him and ‘helping’ him with his ‘dream’. I was flat broke. I really get it. After I broke it off I was able to recover, now that I didn’t have to shell out hundreds a month to keep him in the Life.
Keep up the no contact. It REALLY will work for you. It is vital to live through this HELL time, to get to the next step in healing.
It gets better. My life is a complete turn around from where it was when the abuse finally ended.
((Hugs)) Slim
Cat,
I too lost much weight, I was 95lbs. Sick, stomach aches, and ended up clinically depressed.
My menstrual was all out of whack while with him, I had it every 2 weeks. I had cysts in my breast that you could feel.
I did not react well to him. I have none of those symptoms now.
And I acted like a crazy child over his retarded-ness and absurdities.
All of it. Except I didn’t have money to drop.
This site is a God send. They have helped coach many of us back to peace, and with our own processing. I too had wounds he exposed.
You are not alone, and you can heal.
Promise.
🙂
Slim:
My heart goes out to you. You have endured far more than me I suppose. However we all feel our experience is far more monumental because it happened to us. Let me rephrase that, we allowed it to happen to us. I took the bait hook, line and sinker and even fed him more to use against me because I fell head over heels over this ignorant ass. His command of the English language was just good enough to perpetrate his dirty deed on me. My daughter once said to me, “how the hell do you understand him?” Amazing, I forced myself to understand him, forgave him for a lot because I thought A. language barrier, B. cultural barrier. Boy did I give him leeway.
Today his family contacted me on Facebook. After having a go around with them and his wife, yes his wife I unfriended them. They tried to say it was the “idiot”. I unleashed everything on the son. Then the wife got on. She can’t write English. Here is a sample (you no take maj son am no take you kic you krezi ever wat you saymi luck may lojil Nancy never take may family never saymi picture tugeddo may hazben saymi amsori a you take may family aym no kreyzi aym fins tocing as you pey seks as may hazben) Nancy is the girlfriend before me. You see they know about all his girlfriends. The one they mention early on is Angelica. The more they talked the more they hung themselves. There is a definite pattern. You see I became friends with a relative in Germany and we communicated. I have many pictures of us together and they want me to remove them. I am not because I believe this idiot and his family are all in on this scam. They may perhaps be Gypsies (functioning working gypsies). There was a few times this thought entered my mind and when I brought up the topic of gypsies and talked about experiences I had growing up with gypsies he got all defensive. I said what is your problem? Are you a Gypsy? He said he was not, but knew many Gypsies. This prompted me to read up about Gypsies and how they originated and where they came from.
All of this believe it or not is part of my healing process. Even though I communicated with them, it helps to put it all into perspective for me. He is pathological for sure. The sad thing for me is that I analyzed him early on and I still got bit.
I probably would have gone for broke had I not come out of my coma last week. This is week two. Still rough but I will make it. You should be proud of yourself, you have come a long way baby. Good Luck to you from now on.
catnoch,
Thanks for the empathy. At this point I am really over it. Mostly I shared what I have been through in the hopes you would feel less ashamed about what you have been through. We have ALL of us ‘given ourselves away’ in some sense, when it comes to psychopathic manipulation and abuse. We have all stepped outside of our common sense, our intuition, and our values….to try and be with these people.
As for me enduring ‘more’. I also endured far ‘less’ than many. The point really being that our suffering fills us, no matter the amount; and we are entitled to feel ‘fully’ our own experience and the suffering that entails. Any comparing our suffering to others’, in my view, only slows our progress through our suffering.
Pain is pain and deserves to be examined and lived and healed on it’s own accord.
As for your facebook contact with his family. So long as this does not increase your despair, I totally get it. I also had some contact with a few other women who had been conned by S. It was VERY validating for me, and not at all a trigger. So I hope this helps you distance yourself even further.
Slim
Steps,
Yes, yes, and yes. We are not dealing with the average person.
I have exs that I can have a friendly conversation with and be just fine.
It all is baffling at first, but the more time NC, and the more focus we put on ourselves and our healing- such as, how did they make me feel…and identifying those feelings, can we transform the experience.
I didn’t want to close the last line- the email, but I thought, this is dumb…peeking into my old address to read his emails, even though I stopped replying.
Like we said- when we’re ready. We all process at our own pace. I felt like I wasn’t ready to let him go, but now I finally am there, I have arrived at myself. I wouldn’t even want a friend like that.
Stay strong!!
🙂
Remembertoforget, so true. Even today when i think about how I wish it could have been different, i think about what’s really driving me–feeling lonely or tired or still bewildered about how I got involved in this to begin with. By focusing on me and what I want and need versus what he is doing and why has made a huge difference in how i feel and to move on.
Again, not easy. And there are times where I still feel jealous of the relationship he is in and question why I was not good enough.
I saved this on my phone in case I need a reminder: “When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.”
It’s only a matter of time before the next woman is left with pieces, and sadly with kids who are innocent. So in that sense I do feel sorry.
It’s not an easy road and it takes time and commitment to move on. You can do it.
Steps,
That’s great keeping that info in your phone. I saved so many memos in my phone.
I would get tripped up about the jealousy and such too. I identified feelings of not good enough, not appreciated, not valued. They say these feelings come from unhealed childhood wounds that get triggered.
Also, our ego gets all mixed up through this crap. It’s not true- any of it. We are valuable, we are good enough.
I pray that each and everyone of us here, finally gets there. Gets to that inner knowing and healed state.
Have you journaled? For about 4 months I journaled through all the anger. I wrote whatever came to mind…telling him off etc.
I ended up burning them, as they no longer served me.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s coming.
🙂
Remembertoforget, I have journaled, have a great therapist and do others things to ease anxiety. All of those things have helped a lot to move past this horrible experience. It takes quite a bit of effort but there are ways to keep moving forward when you are ready. It took time and was and still is sometimes not easy.
One thing that the wise people told me here, and i’ve read several times is…don’t look them up, don’t look at their social media don’t look at the new target/victim, don’t talk to his friends or family. All it does is make it harder for US.
I find this to be the most helpful of all.
All it does is feed them.
Jan7:
I had to revisit your post of the no contact rule. I know now how important this is as I allowed him once more to say cruel things that hurt. Then I play those records in my head which cause me more distress.
You asked me why I felt compelled to return his things. I think because in some way I want him to think of me when he wears these clothes. But, then I realize this person has no feelings for anyone and is the supreme actor. He played me like a fiddle and this has me so angry at myself.
I the last week I saved over $500.00 in what I may have expended while he was with me in any given week. I suppose it will take a year to recoup what I spent on this man.
As the days pass I am putting the distance I need between us. I am reflecting on the last week with him and I remember there was one day when he touched me my skin crawled. I let it go but I believe sub-conscienctiously I was becoming turned off by him. I loved his physical body, but I was not loving the man. I often felt he was very low for allowing me to pay for everything. It was my fault because I thought in the beginning what the heck, I would take a girlfriend out for a meal why not him. But then it got out of hand as he just expected it all the time. Then he began asking me for money. This sickened me. Because then I started to believe he would be using my money to treat someone else. Venting here is allowing me to revisit things that were troubling me with this relationship but I still kept going back for more. I am too ashamed to tell all of it. I was a first class fool.
catnoch,
One of the things I did to find my way back to reality was to begin with the truth. No more excuses. No more lies. Not allowing me to excuse bad behavior from him and not allowing him to lie to me. To thine own self be true is what I have on my mirror. That means two things, to not lie to myself, and to be faithful (true) to myself.
So I will be truthful to you.
You are NOT a first class fool. Perhaps you feel that way. BUT the truth is … you are NOT. Further truth is you’re a good person. You said it yourself. You’d treat a girlfriend so no reason not to treat him. This is the behavior of a good hearted person.
The problem was, he wasn’t a good hearted person back to you. Oh, I imagine he talked the talk, and for a bit, he walked the walk. But eventually his true nature peered it’s ugly head. He played you, played on your good heart, played as far as he could without revealing himself. Until the real him showed up.
The day he make your skin crawl? That was the day your subconscious and your conscious met and said YUCK. He IS low, he scammed you for money like an ATM. That’s not what friends do, it’s not what someone who loves you does. It’s what a lowlife does to the person he is “playing” for all he can get.
It’s easier for us to see the evil in others than to see the evil in our relationships. So I hate him, the man that did this to you. I feel such rage and anger against him.
I hate him easier than it was to hate my ex. And while I HATE what my ex did, I don’t hate my ex. But I KNOW him, and that’s enough for me to have nothing to do with him ever. He taught he about the worst of humanity, and I do so envy all those millions of people all around me that will live their entire lives never having to had to learn the depth of evil in this world. They get to live with peace and joy in their minds, and not have to fight to retain that peace and joy every time the meet someone that triggers a memory of him/his family/his minions.
catnoch,
I know this post is directed at Jan7 but I want to chime in and say please, please, please…you are not a fool. You were fooled. I remember telling S ‘you made a fool of me’, and he grinned and said ‘yeah, another woman I dated said I like to do that, but I don’t’.
Please know that many of us can look back and feel like we ‘acted the fool’. I know I did. I did quite a number of things that were really out of character for me. This is NORMAL when we are being manipulated to violate our own boundaries. This is a game for them, to take us out of our own integrity, and leave us dripping with shame for having been lured into the game.
I figure in 9 months I dropped about 25,000.00 on S. Some of it loaned, some given, none of it ever returned. I acted like a teenager, dressed provocatively, and missed work/friends/responsibilities. I felt like I had been given a chance to live a life with ‘no consequences’. Like I was foot loose and fancy free. My personal weaknesses did work against me. And, he exploited them for his own gain.
The deal is I had weaknesses before I met him, and was in a 13 year relationship. My 13 year partner NEVER exploited my weaknesses, instead choosing to behave supportively so I could grow and learn. My current husband never pushes me, or manipulates me to act out of accord of my own value system, or against my own interests.
Just food for thought. We are who we are. We are hardwired to respond in some pretty predictable ways to love and stress and manipulation. Having our humanity ‘used against us’ is a HUGE betrayal.
Slim
Hi Catnoch, hugs to you tonight…I hear your emotional pain in your post.
I think the biggest thing to realize when it comes to a sociopath is they do not have a conscience. They literally do not care who is buying them clothes to wear, or pay their bills or give them sex or what ever else they want, they only care that they have conned people into providing all that they desire.
When your ex puts on the clothes that you bought him, he does not think “I miss her” or “she was a nice person” or “I should have treated her (you) better”…nope he is just looking in the mirror thinking he looks good and will be able to catch a new victims in his web of deception very quickly.
Glad that you did a calculation about how much you saved over the week. That is a huge amount. This is a HUGE lesson too to know that you can be nice to someone without give them anything…these are the kid of people you want in your life…the kind that don’t expect anything from you materialist but instead just want to spend quality time with a nice person.
Good place to be when you think about him “touching you and your skin crawls”…NOW you are seeing him for exactly who he is an evil evil predator!!
My ex too asked for money quickly just after I moved in to his place (which by the way I didn’t even want to move in with him he just can talk anyone and everyone in to his con game)
Catnoch, the important thing right now is to realize that your mind is waking up to all the mental games he played on you…this is really a great place to be because you will not be sucked into his game ever again if simply watch someones actions and not listen to their words.
Remember the old saying “Actions speak louder then words”….this is especially true when dealing with a sociopath they are all words and ZERO actions. Your ex was all words while you backed your words up with kind deeds.
You state “I am too ashamed to tell all of it”……Another important thing to realize is not to feel ashamed what so ever. These guys can suck ANYONE AND EVERYONE into their con game. Steven Hassan author of Freedom of Mind and who is a cult & domestic abuse expert states in his book that anyone and everyone can get sucked into a con artist sociopaths game. He states that someone especially who has had a life change recently such as a divorce, death in the family,, move, new job, going off to school, empty nest. Why this time? because your guard is down dealing with the life change and a sociopath can spot a person in this vulnerable state 100 miles away.
The sociopaths will push everyones boundaries to get what they want but also for total control over someone….for instance if a victim is religious they may push sexual deeds to control the person to make them feel like they are not pure or good. This is the power & control that these sociopaths want over someone. What ever he did that you don’t want to express here will not shock us but will sadden us. We all here at Lovefraud have heard so many stories about what these evil sociopaths have done to their victims. So if you ever feel like you want to set your mind fully free please know that no one will judge you here and you will get so much support. But I want you to know also that there is no pressure for you to tell your full story.
If you want to tell it but don’t want to post it here on lovefruad then you might want to go to your local abuse center for free counseling….they have heard so many stories also and will not judge you. Sometimes the best way to heal is to get it out of your mind with a counselor, or here on a support site or just a home journal.
You were your ex’s target from the second he laid eyes on you…he played you to get info out of you when you first met him so that he could manipulate you into a relationship with him. NOW you know what to avoid when you meet someone and now you will listen to your gut instinct just like an animal does in the African Safari when they are running from a lion.
Notwhahesaidofme & Silmone have very good words of wisdom for you glad they weighted in also 🙂
Hugs to you 🙂
Good Evening All:
I want to thank each of you (Slim, Not and Jan) for your posts. I know this is a hard road to travel until I become mentally free from him. The hurt is so deep I cannot stand it at times. I am barely functioning. I am not sure, but when I was younger I was not such a weakling and baby. I would be angry for five minutes and move on. I dated idiots in my young years and may have felt some hurt, but nothing stung like this.
The worst thing for me was having a sort of routine. That routine is now broken and going back to life as it was is so hard. But, this sociopath had me on a string and he reeled me in and out at his convenience until one day I started demanding certain things. He acquiesced most times, but I believe he was having issues because he was losing his control. I have many of his messages and listening to them reminds me what a manipulating, cunning man he truly was. His method is perhaps not unique but he had skill. To bad sociopaths can’t channel their talent into something good.
Thanks for the hugs because I know I sure need them.
All the best to you all!
Catnoch
catnoch, HUGE HUGE HUGS TO YOU tonght hon 🙂
I am so sorry that you are feeling so much emotional pain….been their too…got that tee shirt.
My advise to you to move forward in little steps is:
1) look at the sites adrenal fatigue. org, Drlam. com and Mialundin.com read her book & watch her you tube videos under her name. See their symptoms list on each site.
When a person has a break up or a death in the family the body releases larges amounts of cortisol and a victim of toxic relationship has had a large amount of adrenaline & cortisol released into their body….this is what is causing you to be so emotional physically.
Also with the continual stress of a toxic relationship the adrenal glands which regulate the blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones all get out of balance.
The sociopath some how knows that the continual stress breaks their victims down so they can control them & prevent them from leaving.
Did you know that most victims that leave a toxic domestic abusive relationship have PTSD?
PTSD is Adrenal Fatigue!!
Look into getting tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance (all issues with PTSD = Adrenal Fatigue)
The original term for PTSD was shell shock…is that how you feel?
The good news is you can heal your adrenal glands with a good clean diet, vitamin/minerals, hormonal balancing (no big deal creme or pills) and plenty of rest, relaxation and sleep.
To get tested find a good Endocrinologist or bio hormonal specialist (google “bio hormonal specialist with your city name and/or ask friends if they have one)
YES!! This is what sociopaths do they manipulate your routine…and over time they manipulate your memories too. Steven Hassan author of the book Freedom of Mind also states that victims are mind controlled…you were mind controlled just like a cult leader (your ex) does to their cult followers. YOU were a cult follower and your ex was your cult leader. Cult leaders try to erase the persons route to that they do everything that the abuser wants.
So what do you do now? Start your route again…try to move back towards your old self…visit the places you use to go to, go back and walk around your old schools, look at old photo albums to remember who you once were = a strong women. YOU will find yourself again I promise…it takes time….so be very kind to yourself during this difficult time…cry, get angry, get mad, come here and vent, write in a journal. If you have to keep a list of your old routine and start to do it again. This too happened to me…he sucked the life out of me…but I have moved back towards my old self especially one I started the No Contact Rule fully after my divorce.
Stop listening to his messages asap…sociopaths brain wash & mind control their victims even through email, phone messages, text etc…so delete the message & set your mind free!!
Catnoch…you have made so much progress in a short time…let your emotions out your body, mind & spirit will heal faster….I remember days & nights literally crying (sobbing) none stop and when I though I could not muster up any more tears they came once again streaming down my face….but I am glad that I got them out of my body…it’s interesting how the mind & body heal.
I thought the same thing with my ex h…that if he channeled his methods into good he could be a very well rounded good person but the fact is a sociopaths brain literally is different then a normal persons brain…this is well documented with brain scans. They do not nor will they ever be nice or good people their brain will not let them.
Wishing you all the best too!! 🙂
Take care.
Catnoch…I should reframe my thought…delete all his messages unless he threaten you in an email then save only those type emails. If he did not threaten you then delete, delete, delete all the messages.
You know who he is & how manipulative he is so there is no need to listen to his words!!
Jan:
I did go to the doctor and had my blood tested and also had an EKG. I did not tell the doctor the source of my anxiety, he thinks because I take care of my elderly mother. He asked if it were becoming too much for me. I told him I am fine with it. He pointed out where there is need for concern. He did note how my blood level is up and for a woman this is odd as most woman my age are anemic. He said I should call the Red Cross and donate blood I have so much. This is probably because of all the good meals I was cooking.
With respect to the voice mails I saved only the ones I can use against him if ever need be. Yes, you are correct on all of it. I am suffering from PTSD. My daughter and I were out last night and someone dropped something and I got so scared my daughter looked at me as if to say what is wrong with you. I know I am tougher than that. Everything you describe is so on and explains why I became such a puppet. It is absolutely scary to think I could have been so easily manipulated. I have suffered so much disappointment in my life that I can’t find hatred for this individual. I won’t regard him as my ex because he doesn’t deserve to be in a category of even being an ex anything. He has just been X’ed out of my life. He will never come back or be allowed back. I made sure of this. I just need that healing time and with the help of you all here I am getting better each day. Thanks. Cat.
Catnoch – I laughed when I read your comment that you won’t regard him as your ex because he doesn’t deserve to be in a category of even being an ex anything. Yes, they do require a special category. I think using words like….”my ex” still attaches him to us. For the person I used to be married to (not the SP), I have never refer to him as my “ex-husband”. I always put him in context of “my boys’ dad” if I need to refer to how he is connected to me.
I agree it is hard to figure out how to refer to them in conversation with others. Today, instead of saying he is my ex-boyfriend, I said “you know, the person who used to live at my house”. Exactly….the guy who used to live at my house for free, the guy I spent $100/week on alcohol, the guy who gave me STD’s, the guy who texted he loved me on his wedding day to someone else, the guy who called me an old hag, the guy who didn’t payback a loan, the guy who responded to “casual encounters” on Craigslist while I was out of town, the guy who I told that I would leave my friends and children to follow him to another state, the guy for whom I spent money on hotels, meals, fun, instead of using it for my son’s college tuition,……Ugh. The problem is that I’m still not over him. Ridiculous how brainwashed I still am. I invested so much of me and tried to go waaaaayyyyy outside my comfort zone. Some of that was good for me. I had become too routine, judgmental and frugal for my own good. However, my monumental effort was rewarded with cheating, discard, sharp criticism and lies. That is totally deranged.
Like you, I also do not hate him. I’ve been disappointed and discarded many times in life, and I realize that I play a big part in that…..primarily that I choose the wrong people to be a part of my life. My focus is on healing and learning how to make better decisions and surrounding myself with people that are going to be fun, motivating, affirming, respectful and kind.
Going into week three and feeling so blessed for coming to this site and the support I have received here has eased my anguish. When I read all your stories, I realize we are all on the road to healing and we each find our own methods one way or another of healing.
Additionally, I am fortunate for good friends who I am sure wanted so badly to hit me over the head with a two by four and shake some sense into me while I was involved with this “Sociopath”. They had to endure my fits of crying, the constant anguish of breaking up to only going back with him. I know they were disgusted with me for my weakness and could not understand why I was always going back. Thanks to you all, I know why and the more I read on the subject the better I am feeling about myself.
Reflecting on the day this Sociopath met me, I remember how down I was feeling. It may have been written on my face? I could have put a stop to the whole thing had I thought more clearly from the beginning. Out subsequent meeting was at the same place we met. I had to drive 20 miles to meet him. He was setting the stage from the very beginning. I had arrived 15 minutes late as I was having dinner with a friend and enjoying my time with her. He very subtlety made mention that I was late and I took mental note thinking this guy does not like to wait. Now I know it was the start of his manipulation.
Jan speaks in one of her posts about memory and how through mind control the Sociopath can manipulate your memory. I have always prided myself on my memory, however there are things that I cannot remember about this relationship. I wish this was true for the entire relationship so I could just erase it all together. I do remember the last week very vividly and this serves me just fine.
This sociopath cannot read road signs very well and therefore I was driving him back and forth to my home. There were times we were out and I had too much to drink and I made him drive. He found his way just fine, however he would ask where to turn. I put him to the test one night and made believe I fell asleep. He knew his way and found it all by himself. However, when asked to drive himself here, he would once again feign he was not sure of the way after the 50 or more trips. He was slicker than slick.
Many times he would fight with me and get me angry and I would say, “I can’t do this anymore.” He would always respond with, “You want to broke up?” Yes, broke up! I would alway back down as he knew I would. The last week we went shopping at this International Market that carries many of his ethnic foods “Bosnian”. We were at the cold cut counter when he asked a customer to taste a piece of Italian ham she had just asked to taste. I thought, how brazen? A few seconds later a woman had entered the store who was much larger than I but had blond curly hair but much brassier with heavy roots. He turned to me and said, “Oh there is your sister!” First of all my sister is dead, secondly the woman did not resemble my sister in the slightest. I know what he was saying. He was comparing me to this woman. I was insulted and walked away and began to cry under my sunglasses. He came looking for me and when He saw me crying, held me and kissed me and said he was sorry. I began sobbing harder because I could not get the thought out of my head of what just happened. Although he seem emphatic with his apology, I just could not get past it. I was coming up on the anniversary of my sister’s death of 27 years. He knew all the way home I was still upset and as I was driving it came over me again and I began to cry. I was thinking, “Who does this man think he is? Does he think he is perfect?” I try to pride myself on my appearance and although I may not be a movie star, I think I look pretty decent. I believe this was the beginning for me and knowing that this man had a very cruel streak.
We arrived back at my home where I made him dinner. This sociopath would smoke outside while I cooked or prepared meals. I think in all the times I made meals he was in the kitchen twice offering some help. He was very demanding and believed he should be waited on hand and foot. Once the meal was ready, he invariably would deliberately take his time to get to the table. For me this was infuriating because by now I want to sit and eat. When I finally would sit down, he would ask if I fed my mother. I have been taking care of my mother for 8 years. He knew I fed my mother first. Then as I would just begin to eat, he would always want something else and then say, “Why don’t you sit down and eat?” There were times he upset me that I did not want to eat. Then he would say he was not going to eat if did not eat. Well, on this evening after he was finished eating he got up, sad something hateful and went outside to smoke. As I was cleaning up, I started to become more and more angry. I opened the door and said, “How do you do eat a meal I just cooked and then say something hateful and walk away?” I then went back inside to finish cleaning up. However, I became more angry and then very calmly went outside, took my garden hose, turn it on and then proceeded to hose him down. He was so shocked, got up and walked toward me to get the hose and in a slow motion, I calmly turned it off, put it back and walked inside. He was soaked through and the look on his face said it all. I knew it was over that night. He stripped down to his underwear and walked to the master bath and got into the shower. He first said, “Drive me home.” I said, “Call someone, I am not driving you home.” He got into bed instead. The next day he acted as it never happened. He waited for Monday to begin his torture after he got some pocket money from me on Sunday. He was going to make me pay for that hosing he got. But what he got back was me slamming the door on him for good. It was a week later that I allowed him to speak to me and then that is when it came out. That he could not get over the fact I hosed him down and that no one has ever done anything to him like that in his life.
Funny, I believe I was on the road to recovery before I got on the road. I had bought a book the week prior called “Be Happy” 170 ways to transform your day. Number 160 is, “Set New Goals” It says, all great athletes seek personal bests. It’s a wonderful approach to life. Always seek new challenges, especially those that stretch your capabilities. But remember, it’s not the goal that’s import and: it’s the quest that brings the benefits. I say try try try. “The journey, not the arrival that matters.” ___Paul Theroux. My goal is to do something meaningful within the next few months. What is yours?
Catnoch, you have me laughing out loud after reading this line……
” However, I became more angry and then very calmly went outside, took my garden hose, turn it on and then proceeded to hose him down. He was so shocked…..”
My gosh this is one of the greatest things I have ever hear a victim do to their sociopath mate…BRAVO…STANDING OVATION to you!!!! 🙂
Still smiling…& laughing….I wish I would have done this the week before I left my husband after 12 years of hell with him.
YOU got your closure right there when you calmly put the garden hose back…LOL….Love this sweet revenge!!!
Congrats on 3 weeks No contact!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
ps I just want to let you know that you are a wonderful daughter for taking care of your mother for 8 years…not an easy thing to do to have to care for an elderly mother. I also want to say that I am sorry to hear that you lost your sister so many years ago…hugs to you.
Today my friend made sure she spent time with me so I would not get tangled in another mess with him. You see my friends don’t trust me to stay strong but they don’t know me. He tried to call three times today. Once from his cell and twice from pay phones. He left a message that I need to stop paying games and call him. Fat chance! The first time it came up just a number and I answered. As soon as I heard his voice I hung up I thought and my girlfriend and I was conversing when she said did you hang up. I looked at the phone and the red light was still on. We laughed but then I thought I did not want him hearing what we were saying. I think he did not but called a few hours later with his message to call him and quit playing games.
I know he is furious with me that he cannot get even with his mean remarks and manipulation. Unbelievable character. His voice still makes my stomach twinge but I keep reminding myself he is EVIL.
My friends were happy that I hosed him down and ironically two of them referred to it as hosing a dog down. I would never do that to my dog.
Thanks for all the hugs and many hugs back. You got me through this.
Hi Catnoch, so glad you have friends that see him as evil…they is good to have in your corner.
I want to give you a warning though….sociopaths manipulate their victims in the very beginning and then form an addiction in their victims just like a drug or alcohol addiction meaning the sociopath becomes your addiction….this is one of the reasons why a vicim can not just walk away. They use continual phone calls to seal the addiction and other means. They will call you at a specific time or call through the day so that your time is used up with them.
In the movie 9 1/2 weeks the sociopath gives his victim a watch and then tells her (Kim Passenger) to look at the watch at a certain time everyday and think of him…this is forming the addiction that I am talking about. They are very cleaver at how they suck a victim in to an addictive relationship.
Right now you might be enjoying the fact that he is chasing you…but this also might be a addiction method he is using. It’s very dangerous!!
My suggestion is to change you phone number asap. This way you can break free from him because as long as he can call even if you don’t answer the phone he still has mental control over you.
Experts suggest that you change your phone number (none public), email, all social media accounts this is the fully No Contact rule. Block, Block, Block the sociopath!!
If you truly want him out of your life then you have to cut him out of your life.
Wishing you all the best.
catnoch, Jan7, and All…
Boy Jan, you really identified something that totally alluded my consciousness, years ago when I was going through the ‘withdrawl’ phase of the betrayal.
For a brief time I was ‘happy’ that S was trying to contact me. What I didn’t really understand was that knowing he was trying and me not responding was still part of the ‘game’. However, in my confusion I thought this meant that he actually cared about me and felt ‘connected’ Even though every time I listened to his voicemail, or read an email I felt HORRIBLE. It was so painful and depressing. It was very difficult to take back all the control after relinquishing it so thoroughly.
Luckily for me I was here, and I had a friend who insisted I change EVERYTHING and quit any contact. It really helped, and then NO contact really started.
Initially this scared me, as I felt completely cut off from the pattern of contact I had with him, and because I felt like I needed to keep track of him so I would be safe. I worried that not knowing what he was up to would work against me (HA, HA…like I EVER really knew what he was up to!). Plus, once I really went no contact I HAD to face the lie that he was, and that our ‘relationship’ was. I could no longer entertain any fantasy that he cared for me. I also had to come to realize I didn’t even know him, so my own love was misspent. This was a painful process.
But after not too long a time the fear and ‘addiction’ feelings subsided, and I started really being able to put my life back together.
OMG slimone! you also brought me back to the “withdrawl” phase. He would call me, try to see me, take me out and I thought, oh he’s really sorry things worked out they way they did and i FELT BAD for him. Pathetic. I wanted to believe that he felt remorse and regret for his actions, and wanted to be a better person. I convinced myself I was too hard on him and needed to just lighten up. He would try to convince me I looked at the negatives of our relationship while he looked at the positives. Well, that’s probably because I didn’t cheat on him.
It’s another form of love bombing– texting, calling, trying to find any connection that will bring you back into the web. Now I don’t pick up his calls and don’t speak to him when I see him. It’s awkward, I wish it wasn’t like this but it is.
You’re right that the more distance you have the more you clear your mind and realize it will never change.
That just really brought me back and reminded me of the excuses I would make for him. And Remembertoforget, I don’t care anymore either! It’s freedom!!!
Thank you all!
I too would second guess myself – maybe I was wrong about the sociopath, look at the apologies and sad behavior! But without fail if I maintained the grey rock and refused to take the pity bait, the sociopath would turn and unleash a wave of nasty on me. Now that I have taken away the last tool the sociopath had to try to manipulate me, there is no more pretense of being some pathetic misunderstood paragon who would love me forever. The sociopath has moved on to a new game and I hope I am forgotten in the dust.
well said. Sounds like me. I finally have started the NC.
Slim, and you guys,
Me too, same here. It wasn’t until about this month that I stopped wondering if he would one day call my job, because i’m the one that answers. FINALLY, I no longer care!!!
WooHoo!
Thank you guys!!!!!!
Xxxooo
Jan7:
I know I have this sick addition for him and I am kicking the habit slowly. Today he caught me off guard and used yet another number. Because I was waiting for a call back from someone I picked up. He begged me to listen for one minute. Again he wants back and told me he loves me deep and wanted to know if I still loved him. I told him I can no longer speak with him and his game is over. Once again he was using his tactic of trying to make me jealous and I pointed out I was aware of his tactic. He once again gave an ultimatum and I said GOODBYE!
What I heard in this conversation was a very different voice. It appeared to be more lucid, clear and cunning. When I got off the phone I thought what is he really up to? I believe he wants to get even somehow and desperately trying to manipulate me once more. Also his meal ticket is now cut off and perhaps after two weeks and not getting another hook on the line he will hit two birds with one stone. He gets me back until he is able to secure another sucker and meanwhile get even for what I did to him.
I read an article today that states he may be so angry that one way or another he will get even because he believes I wronged him even though it is the other way around. That the socio/psycho will one way or another get even so it is best to let them think it is they who did the breaking up Also, it said it may take 3 to 6 months to completely get them out of your life. My family will not allow me to be with him ever again. I hate to change my numbers because it is such a pain because I have gotten in trouble with bills and doctors because of it. I don’t know who has my cell or home number. I am pretty strong now and I know what I don’t want.
He was cut out of my life the day I packed him up. He would have to get counseling, leave his family and perhaps get another job to make a few more dollars. Furthermore, I have not forgotten he made my skin crawl. I know there is a danger to even hearing his voice, but now that I am aware of the mechanism and the affects it has had on me, I cannot take the chance of endangering my health further. In time he will give up.
Thanks once again.
Catnoch, your welcome. I am glad that you hear a different voice that appears more lucid, clear and cunning…for me this happened too but I realize now he was that way throughout the marriage but I just choose to turn a blind eye & “work on the marriage”….in divorce court I saw exaclty who he was throughout the marriage = pure pure evil and a pathological liar who would do anything to leave me completely destroyed.
I have never read any article that stated “it may take 3 to 6 months” to get a sociopath out of your life. Everything I have read is cut ties immediately with the no contact rule unless you are in fear of your life then you should have an Exit Plan out of your relationship with the help of a domestic abuse center.
Please read up on the “No Contact Rule” it really will help you to heal faster. I know it is hard to cut all ties as there is a extreme emotional bond with a sociopath that is very hard to break just like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. like some stated in a post below mine (can remember who??) but the withdraw period is not fun but once you are through it life is sooooo much better without the drama & chaos filled sociopath.
Wishing you all the best.
Please ask yourself this question:
What am I getting emotionally with him still calling me?
The answer is that I am lonely and depressed. This life I have is so isolating and he just makes it more pronounced. I can’t seem to do anything that will benefit “me” these days. Just going from day to day listening to voices in my head.
Hi Catnoch, we have all been where you are now. I promise you that you will be whole one day soon.
I too was extremely lonely & depressed during my marriage and when I first left. My ex h had broken me down in spirit and physically I was exhausted from his constant mind games & gas lighting abuse. I thought that I could never walk away because of those reason who would ever want to love me in that shape I was in. He had me thinking in my mind that I could/would never have anyone else in my life…that I would always be lonely for the rest of my life. This is the mental control he gained everyday by breaking my self esteem down…just like your ex has done to you. They are masters at doing these evil games…they want to control their victims so the victims don’t leave them.
When I finally escaped from my ex by packing my car & driving 3000 miles away, found a counselor who told me that truth that my h (now ex) was a psychopath I knew right then and their I was done.
But the mind plays tricks on you when you have been under the mind control of a sociopath. When he did not contact me I wanted him….but when he contacted me I didn’t want him…funny how that works 🙂
I knew he was evil, I knew he was never going to be good to me or anyone else. It was not until I finally went full no contact did my mind see him for who he truly was & at the same I knew that I needed to let go of my idea in my head of how a marriage should be….I was never going to have that kind of marriage like my parents & grandparents with this evil man I had married.
I was lonely. But with time, educating my self on his disorder & a doctor who got my hormones balanced again & who gave me the right vitamins & minerals my body healed from the depression.These things change my thinking!! This is the missing link to fully healing = hormonal/vitamins = heals PTSD = heals adrenal fatigue.
Don’t get me wrong I cried, sobbed, got angry (fully grieving steps) but one day I felt closer to my old self then I had in years. Now I do not feel alone…I am ok to be by myself just like the old days. YOU will get to this point you have only been out a few weeks.
The reason why I ask you these questions is to open your mind up from your abusers mind control. They are exactly like cult leaders and we were their cult followers.
I am glad that you answered back… because you are not alone Catnoch…we are hear for you.
PLEASE look at the symptoms list on these website for adrenal fatigue
Adrenalfatigue. org
Drlam. com
Mialundin. com (watch her you tube videos & read her book)
Stress causes hormonal imbalance & you have been under a tremendous amount of stress from the first day this evil man walked into your life.
PLEASE find a good Enidorcrimologist or Bio Hormonal Doctor who will test you for vitamin/mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, & cortisol levels.
You must get your mind out of your head….go out for a walk in a park or your neighborhood and look at the houses, trees & flowers REALLY look at them and say what you like about them…I like the house color…or I love roses or the sky looks pretty.. This is what you have to do to “get out of your head” and for the “day to day listening to voices in my head”.
Look at the site Meetup. com it is a site that list all of your city’s clubs, organizations, groups…find a all WOMEN group and join what ever interest you so that you connect with others. For now avoid the men/women groups because you are very vulnerable and could fall pray to another sociopath.
I am so sorry that you are lonely, depressed & feel isolated. HUGE HUGE HUGS to you…please know we are hear for you hon.
Keep posting here. And every time you feel sad, angry, cry, etc go up to the top of this site and read everything that Donna of LF has posted & watch her videos up there too as they will all open your mind up to the brain washing that your ex did to you.
Take care
I just wanted to add that think about going to your local abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings they both will help you ten fold.
Hi catnoch, I posted this for “Step” but I think you should also have a look at this list of question regarding Gas lighting abuse:
“”.Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person ”“ more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner—