I’ve spoken to many people who have had their lives shredded by sociopaths. They are traumatized about their physical, emotional and financial injuries. They can’t understand how someone can cause them so much pain, and be so callous about it.
A statement I hear frequently is, “I didn’t know such evil existed.”
Why don’t we know about sociopaths? I think there are several reasons:
1. Mental health professionals can’t agree on terminology and diagnostic criteria.
These disordered individuals are referred to as sociopaths, psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder. Which is the right term? It depends on whom you ask.
Dr. Robert Hare, the guru of the disorder, uses the term “psychopath,” which he applies to people who meet the criteria of his Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R).
The American Psychiatric Association uses the term “antisocial personality disorder,” and the definition is vague, unwieldy, and open to interpretation. This professional body has no diagnostic criteria for a psychopath.
For more on the different terminology, see Psychopath or Sociopath? on Lovefraud.com.
The point is that the professionals are in disagreement and disarray. So where does that leave the rest of us? How are we supposed to figure this out when the professionals can’t come to an agreement? More importantly, how are we supposed to educate others when the basic facts—what to call the disorder and how to identify it—are so cloudy?
Here on Lovefraud, many of you refer to these predators as P/S/N psychopath-sociopath-narcissist. It works among those of us who know what they look like. But people who have not had the experience of being defrauded, devalued and discarded don’t get what we’re talking about. The awkward terminology makes trying to explain our experience even more confusing.
2. The media won’t write about sociopaths.
When it comes to sociopaths, most journalists don’t get it. I am comfortable making that statement, because I was once a journalist who didn’t get it. And it seems that journalists don’t even want to get it.
Many people have told me that information about sociopaths should be in women’s magazines. I agree. In fact, I’ve tried to get their attention.
I am a magazine journalist. I was the original editor of Atlantic City Magazine, and I’ve written for other publications. I know how the business works. To pitch a story to a magazine, you first study the publication to determine how it serves its audience. Then you craft a story idea to match the publication’s approach. Then you send a query letter to pitch your story idea. Then, when the magazine accepts your idea, you write the article.
Since 2005, I’ve sent 18 query letters to magazines such as More, Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, New Woman, Self, Health and Psychology Today. I tried a range of approaches to bring attention to the problem of sociopaths.
Every single query was rejected.
Personally, I think the magazines are afraid of touching anything that sounds “nasty.” But publications face another problem—defamation lawsuits.
Media lawyers don’t want the publications or broadcasters they represent to publish anything that may lead to a lawsuit. Here’s what they tell their media clients:
- Don’t accuse someone of a crime unless he has confessed or been convicted.
- Don’t say someone has a physical or mental disease unless you have proof.
- Don’t accuse someone of being incompetent or dishonest in his occupation.
- Don’t say someone is unchaste, especially if it is a woman.
Sociopaths commit crime, are portrayed as having a mental illness (although it is actually a personality disorder), are dishonest at their jobs and are downright promiscuous. Saying any of it could cause legal problems.
This is apparent in the case study on Lovefraud.com about Ed Hicks. The victim in the case, Sandra Phipps, received a lot of media attention, because her ex was married seven times, and committed bigamy four times. Every time she was interviewed, she said, “In my opinion, Ed Hicks is a sociopath.” Usually the newspapers wouldn’t print her quote.
Sandra was even on the Dr. Phil Show about her case. When the show was taped, Dr. Phil himself said Ed Hicks was a sociopath. The lawyers cut it out.
See Call Ed Hicks a bigamist, but not a sociopath.
3. Hollywood sensationalizes the disorder.
Most people believe psychopaths are serial killers. Deranged, diabolical murderers. I think this is a direct result of how they are portrayed in movies and on television shows.
The classic, of course, is Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, which had nothing to do with a psychopath. More recently, the TV show Dexter is about a serial killer who channels his violent impulses to only kill people who deserve it. Many describe the Dexter character as a psychopath or sociopath. I don’t know what Dexter is, but he wouldn’t be diagnosed as either.
Read Psycho movies add to the confusion.
The cultural image of psychopaths and sociopaths makes education even more difficult. Yes, some of these disordered people are bloodthirsty killers. But only a tiny fraction of them, at the highest end of the PCL-R, match the profile. Far more run-of-the-mill sociopaths exploit, abuse, cheat and defraud, but stop way short of killing.
So educating people about sociopaths is an uphill battle. First we have to overcome their currently skewed image, delivered by Hollywood. Then we have to overcome the confusion in terminology and diagnosis in the mental health field. Then we have to convince the media to deal with the disorder, and the people who have it, accurately.
Sigh. This will take awhile.
To Ox Drover and her statement, “Strangely enough, left handedness is higher than expected in Psychopaths as well” .. Well.., my ex was left-handed, too.
To skylar and her/his statements, “He was great at mimicking other people” and “They wear other peoples’ skins”.. Oooooh, I KNOW about that one, too. My ex could mimic/sing the songs of George Jones, as if he were George, himself, among other singers I thought he “mimicked” .. Of course, he had a great voice, but his talent the wrong way..to CON women. His voice was no better than mine, neither were his acoustic instrument playing abilities. I am a professional singer..have been since my twenties. He was jealous, I think, because I had more good press than he had, plus a higher education, which he didn’t have.
To candy and her statement, “he took me to places he’d been with other girlfriends [ ] to the exact same places, like he was re-living it! [ ] He seemed to have to be shown by someone how to ’holiday’ and ’what to do’.” Oh boy, I know about THAT one, too. My ex took me to his 2nd wife’s favorite Chinese restaurant (when he could afford to treat me that way, which was seldom, in all those years), and even suggested how I eat my smoked oysters (the way SHE liked them..with lime juice squeezed on the oysters/crackers) The next woman he snowed while still living with me..(one year before he left me, began his affair with her..a MARRIED woman) suggested to him (he had the gall to tell me this, as if she was being “friendly” and “all knowing” .. a “one-up” move on her part, as if she was so much more “cultured” than I was. B.S.! I’m a diplomat’s daughter, and I doubt he has EVER been out of the country..or maybe he has, now..on his next woman’s money! Apparently, they married since..or at least he got engaged to her..it was on the net. She would be his THIRD wife. ) where we should go on our last vacation together..as if where I decided to go for vacations was not as “good” as HER decisions. But in our last year together, he advertised on a swingers’ site that he was bi seeking bi men to sex.
On our last vacation (of my choice) together, he went to a strip club and had a lap dance performed, then had the gall to write a story about it when he got home, and SHOWED me. Stupid him tried to get it published but it was rejected for poor content. He was even stupid enough to show me the rejection letter. The content contained descriptions of how “kind” the strippers eyes were .. that he could “imagine” her making love to him, but how “alas” (or some such dumb words) he knew it was just a fantasy and “what a loss” (or some such words. He told me that the woman (the one who “advised” him/us on where we might take our vacation) had also encouraged him to write .. like she was his next “muse” .. Just sick. He had the ability to disguise his “other side” for years. He can’t hide it forever, though.
One thing I did was make copies of many photos of him, when he was young. Back then, when I paid to have copies made, I was thinking of how his daughter might like a set, when she left for college. Good thing I have the other set, including photos from his teens, twenties, thirties, forties. I recently profiled him on a site, three brief profiles, each containing a different photo of him, from his late teens or early twenties. In my profiles, I requested that if any gay guy had sex with him to please come forward to comment, and say when/if/where it happened, hoping they/he/any gay guy/guys will recognize him from back then. I finally got SOME closure from his first wife, on the phone. She told me that while married to her, he sexed their neighbor’s wife. Told me that two of her gay male friends said they had had sex with him. Told me that he wanted her to switch gender roles with her during sex..to have her wear his underwear and for him to wear hers. Told me that he’d asked her to wear a strap-on (which she refused.) I just hope that one or several gay guys recognize him from those profiles, and/or that at least he will be extremely PARANOID, worrying if or not that will happen. It helps to speak to the SPATH’s ex/exes, to get more closure. Believe it. And that porn he bought/rented? Mostly gay male-on-male porn..even in orgies, or disgusting porn that degraded women (anal sex, etc.) I told him that I did not want/like for him or me to watch movies/videos with naked people/couples when the plot included more than two people and when those people were not in love. My request went in one of his ears and out the other.
Per Candy’s comment above, “he did not have an original idea of his own” ..well, there was the times while working on our back porch (on jewelry repairs), toward the end of our relationship, he would listen to the Dr. Laura (Schlessinger) show. I felt sick to my stomach listening to her..the conservative hypocrite. Funny thing, though, the MARRIED woman he had an affair with, while living with me, was very apparently a democrat, b/c she had invited us to her home (with her then 2nd hubby), to celebrate Bill Clinton’s inauguration. When he listened to that radio show, Laura’s topic was often about how couples should not live together or have sex out of wedlock. It was almost as if he was “shoring up” his “mindset” as if to justify leaving me, to have himself think we were “living in sin” and “out of wedlock” .. so he could have a reason to leave me later, even though many of our friends thought of us as a common-law married couple (how many of you wouldn’t think so, when a couple lives together for almost a decade?)
Dear Zimzoomit,
The trojan Horse psychopath that was sent to kill me was left handed, bi-polar, ADHD AND Antisocial personality disordered! He had the quad-fecta! (all professionally diagnosed.) He was on medication for the bi-polar. He was also a 3-X convicted child molester as well, as well as a thief, burglar and substance abuser.
I also suggest for women who have been emotionally/sexually/psychologically/financially/verbally/physically abused, to SAVE all evidence (for example, e-mails they might have found, that their exes sent/received, confirming their sexual addictions), but SAVE THEM IN A SAFE PLACE..OUTSIDE OF THEIR HOMES..possibly in SEVERAL PLACES, with their friends/relatives. Often, abused women have no witnesses present when the abuse happens. If he hits you, when it is only he and you present, find a friend who has a good camera. Have him/her take pictures of any bruises he might have left on your body, but when doing so, hold up the DAILY NEWSPAPER, with it’s publication date, next to your face/bruises, ..then have your friend snap the photos. Hopefully, the camera will be a DIGITAL camera, & the abused woman can go DIRECTLY to the police, to give evidence of her domestic abuse.
In one argument I had with my ex (a SPATH, in my opinion), he heaved a set of keys at my face/head area. The keys hit the wall (fortunately) behind me. He had to spackel & paint the wall, later, to hide the hole he had made. Shortly thereafter, he “made a deal” with the landlord, for a percentage off on our next month’s rent (the landlord had not painted our rental home before we moved in) for him to paint the walls of our home. Our argument began when I confronted him, because he had left me alone, many weekends, when he had custody of his daughter, and when his musical gigs took him many miles away..even several states away, from our home. Meanwhile, I was the babysitter for his daughter, when he was still separated from wife #2 (he had not divorced her yet.) Mind you, I was not the “other woman” .. two other women had come before me, who he had dated/sexed. One of them, he admitted, was married. He told me that she told him, “I don’t want your problems to become mine.” A second women, after her, who he sexed, said to one of our mutual friends, that he had “problems” in bed.
Ox Drover,
I commiserate..empathize..KNOW what these SPATHS can do. Suggest reading the womansavers.com profile on Tony Lewis Shortall, who supposedly tried to poison his wife (http://womansavers.com/p_guyDetails.asp?id=14918)
He presents himself as a “handyman” (house painting, carpentry, dry wall), but he admitted leaving one job without finishing it. His next woman is going to need a whip to keep him in line. Just wait until her house gutters fall down if or when he forgets to clean them often/well enough. That is what happened to the gutters on the house we rented. When he broke the lease on me, he failed to reimburse me for half the security deposit (I paid for the entire extra month’s deposit, when we moved in), most of which I had to forfeit, when the landlord did not reimburse me, and the back house gutter was left hanging. So, be careful women, when a guy comes knocking on your door, as the “handyman” to court you. Make sure you know him a loooong time and his handyman habits, before you commit to him. Don’t believe him when he boasts, “I’ll bet you didn’t think I was domesticated, huh?” ..just because he assembles something for you, from IKEA. Watch for additional bad traits of SPATHS.
Another sick thing he did was that he knew that one guy I had dated, decades before, had hurt me. He was almost persistent, telling me I should call him up and confront him..ask him why we didn’t last long. I told him I didn’t want to. He said “I’ll call him for you” ..I said “I don’t care to talk to him”.. he said, “I will” .. he wore me down, and he DID call the guy, who told him that he was my friend. He didn’t do this until I had lived with him for about six or seven years. So, watch out for that “trick” , ladies..do not reveal your past to any guy until you have known him to not be manipulative, and I know that’s difficult, because, with a SPATH, you don’t see it coming..often not for years.
I now refer to that trick of his as “Scab Picking” and I think it should be included, just as “gaslighting” is, on the list of BPD traits. It is as if he is picking the woman’s old wounds, re-opening them, so they don’t heal..so she cannot develop scar tissue, that will let her get tougher with time. I noticed he went after vulnerable women. His second wife, an unwed mother when he met her. Then me (divorced from a verbally abusive husband when he began his relationship with me. Then the MARRIED woman, while with me (who had one failed marriage, when, she admitted to me, while pretending to become my friend, that her first husband cheated and abandoned her)..he broke up her marriage.