I’ve spoken to many people who have had their lives shredded by sociopaths. They are traumatized about their physical, emotional and financial injuries. They can’t understand how someone can cause them so much pain, and be so callous about it.
A statement I hear frequently is, “I didn’t know such evil existed.”
Why don’t we know about sociopaths? I think there are several reasons:
1. Mental health professionals can’t agree on terminology and diagnostic criteria.
These disordered individuals are referred to as sociopaths, psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder. Which is the right term? It depends on whom you ask.
Dr. Robert Hare, the guru of the disorder, uses the term “psychopath,” which he applies to people who meet the criteria of his Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R).
The American Psychiatric Association uses the term “antisocial personality disorder,” and the definition is vague, unwieldy, and open to interpretation. This professional body has no diagnostic criteria for a psychopath.
For more on the different terminology, see Psychopath or Sociopath? on Lovefraud.com.
The point is that the professionals are in disagreement and disarray. So where does that leave the rest of us? How are we supposed to figure this out when the professionals can’t come to an agreement? More importantly, how are we supposed to educate others when the basic facts—what to call the disorder and how to identify it—are so cloudy?
Here on Lovefraud, many of you refer to these predators as P/S/N psychopath-sociopath-narcissist. It works among those of us who know what they look like. But people who have not had the experience of being defrauded, devalued and discarded don’t get what we’re talking about. The awkward terminology makes trying to explain our experience even more confusing.
2. The media won’t write about sociopaths.
When it comes to sociopaths, most journalists don’t get it. I am comfortable making that statement, because I was once a journalist who didn’t get it. And it seems that journalists don’t even want to get it.
Many people have told me that information about sociopaths should be in women’s magazines. I agree. In fact, I’ve tried to get their attention.
I am a magazine journalist. I was the original editor of Atlantic City Magazine, and I’ve written for other publications. I know how the business works. To pitch a story to a magazine, you first study the publication to determine how it serves its audience. Then you craft a story idea to match the publication’s approach. Then you send a query letter to pitch your story idea. Then, when the magazine accepts your idea, you write the article.
Since 2005, I’ve sent 18 query letters to magazines such as More, Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, New Woman, Self, Health and Psychology Today. I tried a range of approaches to bring attention to the problem of sociopaths.
Every single query was rejected.
Personally, I think the magazines are afraid of touching anything that sounds “nasty.” But publications face another problem—defamation lawsuits.
Media lawyers don’t want the publications or broadcasters they represent to publish anything that may lead to a lawsuit. Here’s what they tell their media clients:
- Don’t accuse someone of a crime unless he has confessed or been convicted.
- Don’t say someone has a physical or mental disease unless you have proof.
- Don’t accuse someone of being incompetent or dishonest in his occupation.
- Don’t say someone is unchaste, especially if it is a woman.
Sociopaths commit crime, are portrayed as having a mental illness (although it is actually a personality disorder), are dishonest at their jobs and are downright promiscuous. Saying any of it could cause legal problems.
This is apparent in the case study on Lovefraud.com about Ed Hicks. The victim in the case, Sandra Phipps, received a lot of media attention, because her ex was married seven times, and committed bigamy four times. Every time she was interviewed, she said, “In my opinion, Ed Hicks is a sociopath.” Usually the newspapers wouldn’t print her quote.
Sandra was even on the Dr. Phil Show about her case. When the show was taped, Dr. Phil himself said Ed Hicks was a sociopath. The lawyers cut it out.
See Call Ed Hicks a bigamist, but not a sociopath.
3. Hollywood sensationalizes the disorder.
Most people believe psychopaths are serial killers. Deranged, diabolical murderers. I think this is a direct result of how they are portrayed in movies and on television shows.
The classic, of course, is Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, which had nothing to do with a psychopath. More recently, the TV show Dexter is about a serial killer who channels his violent impulses to only kill people who deserve it. Many describe the Dexter character as a psychopath or sociopath. I don’t know what Dexter is, but he wouldn’t be diagnosed as either.
Read Psycho movies add to the confusion.
The cultural image of psychopaths and sociopaths makes education even more difficult. Yes, some of these disordered people are bloodthirsty killers. But only a tiny fraction of them, at the highest end of the PCL-R, match the profile. Far more run-of-the-mill sociopaths exploit, abuse, cheat and defraud, but stop way short of killing.
So educating people about sociopaths is an uphill battle. First we have to overcome their currently skewed image, delivered by Hollywood. Then we have to overcome the confusion in terminology and diagnosis in the mental health field. Then we have to convince the media to deal with the disorder, and the people who have it, accurately.
Sigh. This will take awhile.
Thanks hopeforjoy. Yes i just can be strong or he’ll crush me.
It’s such a strange situation he has created in order to what? to have entertainment? Is so absurd that even being the second time i meet one of these bugs it is difficult to accept some people feel comfortable creating discomfort in oders.
Skylar, I’ve just caught up on this thread and your comments are really opening my eyes.
I know it shouldn’t really bother me – I know ex is a perpetrator of domestic abuse/violence, he is entitled, justified, acts remorseful, narcissistic, sometimes acts borderline, toxic to be with, doesn’t seem to get it yet keeps saying he is sorry, has changed, wants to get it. It shouldn’t matter what the label is – the important thing is that we recognise that these people are not safe to live with.
Maybe the difficulty is that there are many different types. I read the traits and I go, Yes! Spot on! But then sometimes I read of what others are like, and I think, well, actually, no, if a P is one who dumps as soon as he has finished using you, then ex isn’t one – he can’t let me go. And if a P has multiple partners, is sexually experimental and risky, then no again. He prides himself on faithfulness. And he hates lying – still insists I lied to him about the police because I didn’t tell him as soon as the police came (I told him an hour after, when we could be in private, without the kids, but that wasn’t good enough because I didn’t reveal all when he asked me, “what’s up”). And if a P cannot feel, then again he can’t be one because he cries more than I do. The tears are for himself though. And why does he feel such fear of losing me or being divorced?
Skylar’s explanations really resonate because regardless of whether I can determine if ex was a P or not, this is what happened. He said he was attracted to me because I was confident and mature (he had barely broken up with his “unstable, blonde-brained, worldly” girlfriend). He needed me to cover-up his immaturity. He said he hated being called immature (which he often was). But because of narcissism, he cannot stand not being No 1, and being treated less than the king of his castle (which he has been “kicked out of”), and having someone other than him control his family. So it turns to envy and resentment, and finally hatred and a desire to punish or destroy.
But at the same time, he can mouth words like “I realize I wasn’t a good father or husband. She is just the best mother ever, etc. etc.” My friend said to him, “You say she was such a great wife, why do you badmouth her everywhere? And if she has done such horrible things to you, why do you long to have her back?” He got upset at her and didn’t talk to her for a month, but re-invited himself back to get free meals and tried to refrain from saying anything negative. That’s the trouble with telling him what to do – he knows not to do it in front of you, but there is no change of heart.
I guess I want to be able to use that label Psychopath to wake friends up. They acknowledge he is toxic, controlling, manipulative, but don’t see the danger of living with someone like that. They even admit that the kids and I have been abused and that they themselves would not have stayed as long, but they feel that I should still be open to reconciliation because he is trying hard and should not be written off because marriage is permanent. My supportive friend even said, “At least there’s one positive about him – he still wants you back”, meaning that he isn’t like other unfaithful men who abandon their family! If only I could say, why would I want him back – he’s a psychopath!
To Hopeforjoy and her comment, “My youngest daughter (she’s 16) told me that she doesn’t want to omit females or any race from who she may be interested in because it’s about what’s on the inside. I think she’s right. It’s not a sexual thing at all”
To one/joy’s comment, “the other stuff you listed, could also be fetish, and nothing to do with ’confusion.’”
My comment next, is directed at both of your comments. Someone posted a blurb, last night or this morning, to a recent profile about my ex:
See online article, “Sexual Abuse of Boys” and the section, “Child~Child Abuse” [http://www.sasian.org/papers/boysngirls.htm] Excerpt: “This could be: * Cousin~cousin incest *Adolescent~child sexual abuse * Sibling incest * Sibling incest may be the most common form of incest * DeJong {1989} described a boy, whose abuse stopped by the age of 9 months At 25 months this same boy was demonstrating sexual aggressiveness toward other children. * Girls, in child~child incest or sexual abuse, tend to molest two boys for every girl * It appears that girl cousins are twice as likely to abuse a boy relative than are brothers * It appears that a majority of sexual offenders begin their “careers” in adolescence” See also the section, “General Initial Effects of Sexual Abuse: “* Confusion or anxiety over sexual identity * Inappropriate attempts to reassert masculinity *Recapitulation of the victimizing experience” See also the section, “Sexual Identity Confusion” : “*Victims, even at a young age, tend to show considerable concern over their gender identity * Some research shows that boys who were sexually molested by older men were four times more likely to be engaged in homosexual activity than non~victims * There appears to be a greater chance that boys who were molested by males would identify themselves as homosexuals than those molested by females * Adolescents often link their sexual victimization to their homosexuality * Only a minority of adult homosexuals report a homosexual experience in childhood * Only a minority of homosexuals have a sexual interest in children”
My ex told me that when he was still a minor, his sister let him watch while she masturbated. He also told me that his gay male cousin, around age 15, at the time my ex was age 12, had oral sex with him. Ok.., so if I am to believe those two things occurred, even if I were to believe the last sentence in that article, that only a minority of homosexuals have a sexual interest in children..well..still, there is that “minority” we cannot overlook. Nor should we overlook the potential consequence of “sexual identity confusion” when incest occurs. He also told me that his sisters (all older than him..he was the only boy in the family..had five sisters) paid him to wash out their panty hose. Ha ha. I’ll bet he was a panty hose sniffer, like those creeps who sniff girls’ bicycle seats.
Whether anyone thinks it’s “OK” to be bi or not.., it is still a SICK thing to lie by omission to one’s partner, within one’s supposedly committed, long-term relationship with his/her partner (who was led to believe that their relationship is heterosexual), about how many sexual partners they have had in the past, and worse when he/she lies about sexing both genders, because then he/she has removed “informed consent” from the picture..and worse when he/she has admitted to having incestuous relationships, perpetrated on him/her as a kid.
Eva,
You have every right to be proud of yourself and your accomplishments, but in this case you need to hide that because Psychopaths become envious very easily. They will choose a scapegoat and attack. The only way they allow anyone to do well, is if it reflects on them. soooooo….
When ever you do well, make sure you give him the credit.
“oh, you are such a good teacher, that is why I did well on that paper” “you make the class so easy to understand” blah, blah blah.
Now if you don’t do well, then you must say, “I’m not very good at this, like you are” “This is a difficult subject for me, I’m not as proficient as you…” blah blah blah.
Remember, it’s always about him.
The spaths live in a story all the time. You have to figure out what is the story that he tells himself. How does he want to be viewed? Watch and be perceptive, then weave your story into that. Be whatever he wants you to be. They are very simple little children deep down. They are only dangerous when they have suffered a narcissistic injury. Which, BTW, is ALL THE TIME.
To skylar’s statement, “Psychopaths become envious very easily. They will choose a scapegoat and attack. The only way they allow anyone to do well, is if it reflects on them. soooooo”.When ever you do well, make sure you give him the credit”
I agree..can truly identify with that statement. My ex was in a jazz combo with me. I was the one, for 7 or more years, who marketed the group, and got us our paying gigs. He was, for half of those years, the bass player, and for the other half of those years, the guitarist. I gave him as much encouragement for his skills and “kudos” that he deserved. Heck, in the last few months of us performing out, I “sat out” for almost a whole set (among four)..allowing the male members of the group “their choice” of instrumentals, without me. We were, at one point, deciding about promo photos for our group. Of course, I was the lead singer (it was my decision to form the group), and I had the most “press” of anyone in the group. My ex’s constant (though subtle) criticism of me, had me believing I was a “primadonna”.. so, I became even MORE “democratic” in our band..I told him that I was fine if he or they wanted to play (just as a trio, without me, in a different group, at same or other venues, aside from the venues we played) just with “the guys”, but I also asked my ex to inform me when they would “land” gigs, aside from our quartet, and let him know, that if our quartet was not the “priority” for bookings, then let me know. I also suggested that, if he chose to play with a side (all male trio, with the members of the group that I HIRED) group, that he should name that trio a different band name, than the name I had chosen, for business reasons. I even suggested, as a more “democratic” move for the group, that we have our band’s professional/marketing photos taken of ALL of us, in a group, as a biz photo option, when we played out, even though it was typical/traditional, when it was the FEMALE member of the group who founded any jazz band, and when she had historically been the “front” to that band, it was typical for her photo to appear on the marketing tools, not for the band members to be “prominent”, though I also suggested, that on any club “marquis”, that the female vocalist have her main photo, then the group photos posted, beneath it. I kept compromising and compromising, in our group, as if I was losing more and more of myself. I think my ex wanted me to become “invisible.”
I recall, within the last six months of our domestic relationship..or maybe it was more months.., but, we had gone to a local jazz venue (one where I had also performed), and met a jazz guitarist, an excellent one. I gave the guy my card, in case I might hire him later. Weeks later, my ex seemed to have “befriended” him, too, and invited him to our home. We lived in the same town. My ex insulted me in front of this male jazz guitarist..he insulted my home decorations, said they were “too busy”..Well, that jazz guitarist, still mainly a stranger, defended my home decorations, said my choice for home decorating “looked nice” .. my ex, that night, seemed to discourage me from playing any professional jazz tapes that we had made, featuring my vocals (so that, if my ex later left me, I might not have the option of hiring anyone else, especially not anyone more talented than he was, on guitar, to accompany me) .. my ex seemed to do everything he could, that night, to exclude me from knowing our new friend, more, as he wanted to. Funny thing is..three or four years after my ex bolted, it was the very same guitarist who I befriended and hired, to several of my venues/concerts. God works in strange ways.
Skylar, this has been exactly the problem: a narcissistic injury. Yes, something in me, and i think he finds it is according to him arrogance, bothers him.
I think he noticed too i felt some instinctive rejection towards him. I knew him some years ago but i didn’t take the exam of that subject, and i never liked him without knowing consciously why, despite being young and rather attractive guy.
You’re right to stay low, praise him, being humble and pretending i find him good teacher, interesting, funny, humorous, witty, etc, is the best i can do. Hahaha. Just the thought of him being those things make me feel like if i were practising some kind of mental low-life prostitution.
But who doubts at this point of knowledge these bugs of empty eyes are not mainly soul rapists.
Thanks really skylar, and also hopeforjoy. I’ll start with jopeforjoy method: strong, calm. And if he allows it, because by the moment he’s very “offended” and “hurt”, i’ll continue with the admiration (puag) of the creature.
By the way, what’s BTW, Skylar?
Young victims of SPATHS should look to the older victims of SPATHS, for wisdom, to avoid what their predecessors experienced.
To one/joy,
Suggest reading, “Normal For Abuse to Lead To Homosexuality?
Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest” http://www.psychforums.com/sexual-abuse-incest/topic59008.html