I’ve spoken to many people who have had their lives shredded by sociopaths. They are traumatized about their physical, emotional and financial injuries. They can’t understand how someone can cause them so much pain, and be so callous about it.
A statement I hear frequently is, “I didn’t know such evil existed.”
Why don’t we know about sociopaths? I think there are several reasons:
1. Mental health professionals can’t agree on terminology and diagnostic criteria.
These disordered individuals are referred to as sociopaths, psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder. Which is the right term? It depends on whom you ask.
Dr. Robert Hare, the guru of the disorder, uses the term “psychopath,” which he applies to people who meet the criteria of his Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R).
The American Psychiatric Association uses the term “antisocial personality disorder,” and the definition is vague, unwieldy, and open to interpretation. This professional body has no diagnostic criteria for a psychopath.
For more on the different terminology, see Psychopath or Sociopath? on Lovefraud.com.
The point is that the professionals are in disagreement and disarray. So where does that leave the rest of us? How are we supposed to figure this out when the professionals can’t come to an agreement? More importantly, how are we supposed to educate others when the basic facts—what to call the disorder and how to identify it—are so cloudy?
Here on Lovefraud, many of you refer to these predators as P/S/N psychopath-sociopath-narcissist. It works among those of us who know what they look like. But people who have not had the experience of being defrauded, devalued and discarded don’t get what we’re talking about. The awkward terminology makes trying to explain our experience even more confusing.
2. The media won’t write about sociopaths.
When it comes to sociopaths, most journalists don’t get it. I am comfortable making that statement, because I was once a journalist who didn’t get it. And it seems that journalists don’t even want to get it.
Many people have told me that information about sociopaths should be in women’s magazines. I agree. In fact, I’ve tried to get their attention.
I am a magazine journalist. I was the original editor of Atlantic City Magazine, and I’ve written for other publications. I know how the business works. To pitch a story to a magazine, you first study the publication to determine how it serves its audience. Then you craft a story idea to match the publication’s approach. Then you send a query letter to pitch your story idea. Then, when the magazine accepts your idea, you write the article.
Since 2005, I’ve sent 18 query letters to magazines such as More, Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, New Woman, Self, Health and Psychology Today. I tried a range of approaches to bring attention to the problem of sociopaths.
Every single query was rejected.
Personally, I think the magazines are afraid of touching anything that sounds “nasty.” But publications face another problem—defamation lawsuits.
Media lawyers don’t want the publications or broadcasters they represent to publish anything that may lead to a lawsuit. Here’s what they tell their media clients:
- Don’t accuse someone of a crime unless he has confessed or been convicted.
- Don’t say someone has a physical or mental disease unless you have proof.
- Don’t accuse someone of being incompetent or dishonest in his occupation.
- Don’t say someone is unchaste, especially if it is a woman.
Sociopaths commit crime, are portrayed as having a mental illness (although it is actually a personality disorder), are dishonest at their jobs and are downright promiscuous. Saying any of it could cause legal problems.
This is apparent in the case study on Lovefraud.com about Ed Hicks. The victim in the case, Sandra Phipps, received a lot of media attention, because her ex was married seven times, and committed bigamy four times. Every time she was interviewed, she said, “In my opinion, Ed Hicks is a sociopath.” Usually the newspapers wouldn’t print her quote.
Sandra was even on the Dr. Phil Show about her case. When the show was taped, Dr. Phil himself said Ed Hicks was a sociopath. The lawyers cut it out.
See Call Ed Hicks a bigamist, but not a sociopath.
3. Hollywood sensationalizes the disorder.
Most people believe psychopaths are serial killers. Deranged, diabolical murderers. I think this is a direct result of how they are portrayed in movies and on television shows.
The classic, of course, is Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, which had nothing to do with a psychopath. More recently, the TV show Dexter is about a serial killer who channels his violent impulses to only kill people who deserve it. Many describe the Dexter character as a psychopath or sociopath. I don’t know what Dexter is, but he wouldn’t be diagnosed as either.
Read Psycho movies add to the confusion.
The cultural image of psychopaths and sociopaths makes education even more difficult. Yes, some of these disordered people are bloodthirsty killers. But only a tiny fraction of them, at the highest end of the PCL-R, match the profile. Far more run-of-the-mill sociopaths exploit, abuse, cheat and defraud, but stop way short of killing.
So educating people about sociopaths is an uphill battle. First we have to overcome their currently skewed image, delivered by Hollywood. Then we have to overcome the confusion in terminology and diagnosis in the mental health field. Then we have to convince the media to deal with the disorder, and the people who have it, accurately.
Sigh. This will take awhile.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
RECOVERING: thoughtful and sane post about embracing a paradigm of dichotomy. both/and as the buddhists say. much sanity here.
persephone7
LouiseG.: I think it does have something to do with so much sex and violence in the media, movies and on TV. I noticed it years ago when my daughter started watching MTV and ‘Real World’ – there are so many reality shows now where drama in relationships prevails – and negativity, cheating, deceit, etc. In certain circles, it’s not hip to be sincere and truly loving.
It’s hip to be cruel.
pollyannanomore
Nice post Recovering – great points 🙂 You are so right that we don’t really ‘get it’ till we’ve lived with them or been seriously involved in their lives. I guess the same could be said about other disorders such as Schizophrenia or major Depression, but the difference with those is they are not pinned on a lack of empathy and parasitic behaviour.
I think in part the business community values these traits – dog eat dog, no emotions – ‘it’s nothing personal just business’, being highly competitive and needing to win, stepping over people if necessary, mind games and strategic tactics. I also wondered if military training might contribute to it = that was something I wondered about for a long time – brainwashing during training … also recruits are injected with substances that aren’t even identified half of the time. They would make superb killers and they do – no fear, no hesitation and no remorse, guilt or shame.
Definitely the explosion of violence as entertainment has something to do with it as does the objectification of women through mass pornography, that seems to normalise a new deviant behaviour every week. Society has changed massively in the last ten to twenty years. The mobility of much of the world’s population is definitely to the sociopath’s advantage. There is no longer an expectation that you will remain in the town you were born in and known to the whole population your whole life.
Style I totally know what you are saying … the male gaze – a way of viewing women as purely sexual objects. It is both a compliment and an insult. I also understand your comments about being in a couple. There is a certain safety and public kudos in being part of a long term couple – it’s public affirmation that someone ‘loves’ you enough to commit to the longer term. WHen you’re single you don’t get that. As my grandma would say ‘WHo wants someone nobody else wants?’ The world is kind of built for couples and families too – look at hotel rooms, restaurants – they don’t have specific seating for singles do they?
swallow
This subject has been so frustrating for me.
Time and again you mention the word psychopath and people’s eyes glaze over and they stop listening to you. They simply do not wish to believe it.
I have a few theories why:-
1. Psychopaths are true chameleons. They can appear to be completely genuine in any guise they wish to use.
2. Everyone absorbs the information through the prism of their own emotional baggage. If you are informing about a family member or lover, the person you are trying to convince is already in emotional turmoil.
3. No-one wants to accept the fact that they have been fooled.
4. For most people, the thought that they may have been or are in contact with a psychopath is just too scary, so they choose not to believe it.
5. The media and Psychiatric proffesionals as has been said in the article just do not get it or even if they do won’t come out and label people.
How we educate the general public I honestly don’t know. It seems that we can only see these traits when it is already too late.
pollyannanomore
Good point Swallow – we can only see it when it is too late. It’s also such a complex concept to try to explain to people. And you’re right – people don’t want to believe there are some in this world who enjoy hurting others or are indifferent to it – it’s just unbelievable. Try googling ‘Just World theory’ – if we had our rose coloured glasses on during the relationship, most of society wears them all the time lol
There does seem to be a general backlash in society against labelling people or ‘putting people in boxes’. I’ve seen lots of ads that say ‘I am more than my depression’ or ‘know me before you judge me’. However labels are really useful in these situations in understanding what we are up against. Normally I am against labelling people – I don’t like it when it happens to me. But I had such relief when I found the Cluster B diagram. I don’t know what I would have done had I not found it. I knew I was being abused, but I also knew he was more than an abuser with male privilege ideas.
Have you got any ideas on raising awareness? I am thinking as more books come out on these relationships that will slowly raise awareness, but I guess these types of books have a specific readership ie people who are in some kind of relationship with those who have a disorder.
Cat
Donna, Excellent, enlightening article! I was one who, when I finally found the definition of the word, “sociopath”, was more than ready to acknowledge that was exactly what I had on my hands. I was happy to be able to finally give a name to all that he was and did. I would NOT have done that even a year ago. The word is scary to most and carries the connotation of the serial killer, which isn’t true at all.
swallow, excellent post! I had a round or two with every point you listed. I am now watching family members who refused to believe me in regards to my ex go exhibit a lot of anger that they were fooled by me ex P as well. Each is doing so in their own way, including blaming me for having brought him into the family. I firmly put my foot down on that, however, telling each they have their own brain and own pair of eyes. Yes, each of them, just as myself, have their own emotional baggage. I’ll admit to finding it intriguing to watch each of them go through what I did.
Unfortunately, I don’t know how to raise awareness on this, unless it’s through a personal experience. As Donna so aptly pointed out, many doors are closed and I feel people simply do NOT want to delve into this and learn…until it happens to them.
slimone
Donna,
Thank-you for this article. For me, personally, it absolutely had to be personal, repeated exposures to these folks, before I reached an absolute pain threshold. But (in my mind anyway) for the first time, I heard the word narcissist. I believe if I had become aware of the actual characteristics, reasons for attraction, eventual outcomes, and non-treatability of Cluster B PD’s, I very well may have been spared more entanglement.
Though my therapist was supportive, she was not very knowledgeable. But through my experience she googled the spathole I was seeing, purused his websites, and validated she believed he was n and probably a sociopath. So her validation was so helpful.
As for professionals being in disagreement, and generally ignorant of Cluster B’s/psychopathology, this is most disturbing for me. Those of us who may find ourselves entangled need professionals to help us identify what we are dealing with. We need the validation, education, and support to go no contact.
Knowing about n/s/p has been the single greatest illuminator to my becoming self-loving, that without this specific understanding, I may have found myself attracted to another one, still believing it is because I am not lovable/good enough/etc….to attract the ‘right’ guy. It opened a whole new perspective into my upbringing, my self-beliefs, and my healing path.
I will be educating where ever and whenever I feel it is safe and appropriate.
Thanks again, Slim
recovering
one_step_at_a_time says: What you mention — the “both/and as the buddhists say” — seems the best way to grasp the bigger pciture, rather than a narrow approach to life.
Also one_step, congratulations on your job, the new grant writing project. A door open to more possibilities for you, I hope…
pollyannanomore — you mentioned the “Cluster B diagram,” referencing male privilege and other ideas. Can you direct me to that resource information — a link or whatever — at some point? I’d like to read more about this.
neveragain
style1- yes, I get tired of that look. But at least for me, when I’m not looking (which is ALWAYS now, happily married in a non-open marriage), I get a lot less looks. Maybe because I don’t make eye contact and because I ‘ve learned to not smile too much.
And yes, it is frustrating when the memories keep coming and coming. I’m now using Louise’s suggestion of the stop sign. After two years since the last time I talked to him or heard from him at all, it is time for him to get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
neveragain
Gemni- Sorry, what a shock. I can only imagine. Hang in there. I wish I had pearls of wisdom, but I don’t, but sending good thoughts your way.