I’ve spoken to many people who have had their lives shredded by sociopaths. They are traumatized about their physical, emotional and financial injuries. They can’t understand how someone can cause them so much pain, and be so callous about it.
A statement I hear frequently is, “I didn’t know such evil existed.”
Why don’t we know about sociopaths? I think there are several reasons:
1. Mental health professionals can’t agree on terminology and diagnostic criteria.
These disordered individuals are referred to as sociopaths, psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder. Which is the right term? It depends on whom you ask.
Dr. Robert Hare, the guru of the disorder, uses the term “psychopath,” which he applies to people who meet the criteria of his Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R).
The American Psychiatric Association uses the term “antisocial personality disorder,” and the definition is vague, unwieldy, and open to interpretation. This professional body has no diagnostic criteria for a psychopath.
For more on the different terminology, see Psychopath or Sociopath? on Lovefraud.com.
The point is that the professionals are in disagreement and disarray. So where does that leave the rest of us? How are we supposed to figure this out when the professionals can’t come to an agreement? More importantly, how are we supposed to educate others when the basic facts—what to call the disorder and how to identify it—are so cloudy?
Here on Lovefraud, many of you refer to these predators as P/S/N psychopath-sociopath-narcissist. It works among those of us who know what they look like. But people who have not had the experience of being defrauded, devalued and discarded don’t get what we’re talking about. The awkward terminology makes trying to explain our experience even more confusing.
2. The media won’t write about sociopaths.
When it comes to sociopaths, most journalists don’t get it. I am comfortable making that statement, because I was once a journalist who didn’t get it. And it seems that journalists don’t even want to get it.
Many people have told me that information about sociopaths should be in women’s magazines. I agree. In fact, I’ve tried to get their attention.
I am a magazine journalist. I was the original editor of Atlantic City Magazine, and I’ve written for other publications. I know how the business works. To pitch a story to a magazine, you first study the publication to determine how it serves its audience. Then you craft a story idea to match the publication’s approach. Then you send a query letter to pitch your story idea. Then, when the magazine accepts your idea, you write the article.
Since 2005, I’ve sent 18 query letters to magazines such as More, Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, New Woman, Self, Health and Psychology Today. I tried a range of approaches to bring attention to the problem of sociopaths.
Every single query was rejected.
Personally, I think the magazines are afraid of touching anything that sounds “nasty.” But publications face another problem—defamation lawsuits.
Media lawyers don’t want the publications or broadcasters they represent to publish anything that may lead to a lawsuit. Here’s what they tell their media clients:
- Don’t accuse someone of a crime unless he has confessed or been convicted.
- Don’t say someone has a physical or mental disease unless you have proof.
- Don’t accuse someone of being incompetent or dishonest in his occupation.
- Don’t say someone is unchaste, especially if it is a woman.
Sociopaths commit crime, are portrayed as having a mental illness (although it is actually a personality disorder), are dishonest at their jobs and are downright promiscuous. Saying any of it could cause legal problems.
This is apparent in the case study on Lovefraud.com about Ed Hicks. The victim in the case, Sandra Phipps, received a lot of media attention, because her ex was married seven times, and committed bigamy four times. Every time she was interviewed, she said, “In my opinion, Ed Hicks is a sociopath.” Usually the newspapers wouldn’t print her quote.
Sandra was even on the Dr. Phil Show about her case. When the show was taped, Dr. Phil himself said Ed Hicks was a sociopath. The lawyers cut it out.
See Call Ed Hicks a bigamist, but not a sociopath.
3. Hollywood sensationalizes the disorder.
Most people believe psychopaths are serial killers. Deranged, diabolical murderers. I think this is a direct result of how they are portrayed in movies and on television shows.
The classic, of course, is Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, which had nothing to do with a psychopath. More recently, the TV show Dexter is about a serial killer who channels his violent impulses to only kill people who deserve it. Many describe the Dexter character as a psychopath or sociopath. I don’t know what Dexter is, but he wouldn’t be diagnosed as either.
Read Psycho movies add to the confusion.
The cultural image of psychopaths and sociopaths makes education even more difficult. Yes, some of these disordered people are bloodthirsty killers. But only a tiny fraction of them, at the highest end of the PCL-R, match the profile. Far more run-of-the-mill sociopaths exploit, abuse, cheat and defraud, but stop way short of killing.
So educating people about sociopaths is an uphill battle. First we have to overcome their currently skewed image, delivered by Hollywood. Then we have to overcome the confusion in terminology and diagnosis in the mental health field. Then we have to convince the media to deal with the disorder, and the people who have it, accurately.
Sigh. This will take awhile.
Dear Siblinghell,
You are preaching to the choir here, and it would be NICE, VERY NICE, if there was some way to “brand” mark the psychopaths so that Ms. and Mr. John Q. Public could know what they are….and do something about it.
Unfortunately as well “brand marked” as MADD is, it has not really decreased the damage drunk driving has done or continues to do. Sure “everyone” knows that driving drunk is ILLEGAL, IMMORAL AND STUPID and people STILL DO IT every day of the week.
Oprah’s “don’t text” campaign is wonderful and I hope it works, but I know people who STILL DO IT….there are laws against all sorts of things from robbing banks to selling your body for sex, and people know it is illegal to do these things and wrong to do these things yet people still DO THEM.
It isn’t ONLY IGNORANCE OF psychopaths or what they are that is a problem, it is that even if we KNOW WHAT THEY ARE they are still going to rob, murder, rape, steal and con their way through life.
Also, just like “drunk” is a term of someone who has a blood level over 0.08 % in most areas and so if you are “drunk” you have a level equal to that or over but you can be a “little drunk” or a LOT DRUNK, so there is a different LEVEL of how drunk. There are also LEVELS of psychopathy as well…it isn’t a case of either is or ain’t. You can TEST a person for blood alcohol level and see objectively if they IS OR AIN’T—but if someone hits (assaults) a person once does that make him/her a psychopath? because Psychopaths do hit people? How about Murder? It isn’t quite as easy to qualify or quantify someone as a psychopath, and without professionals even being able to agree on what the name is, I think we have to start more basicly than just coming up with another non-standard name for a personality disorder.
“BULLY” I think is fairly well understood term for someone who is cruelly overbearing, especially to someone weaker. (see wiki definition below)
http://www.answers.com/topic/bully
I think that pretty well sums up a psychopath in generic terms that just about anyone can understand. Fortunately our schools are starting at least here in the US to have “anti-bullying” policies, but it is just a START on that…there are still schools where a kid is not physically safe from guns and knives much less from a verbal bully!
There is way too much violence in our society as a whole. ANY start in the direction of showing people how to protect themselves from TOXIC BULLIES, psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, assholes, spathholes, creeks, jerks, or any other name you want to tack on to them is a START, but I do think as long as humanity stands there will be psychopaths, and bullies….etc.
I am glad that you were able to find information, and Sam Vaknin is a perfect example I think of what he is….self aggrandizing jerkface psychopath.
ps: I know a poor old neighbor of mine who is still sending money to his Nigerian (actually Haitian) scam artist and NO one can convince him (not the cops, not the state police and not his kids or me) that he is not going to get rich from this scam. Some people will become victims no matter HOW OBVIOUS the scam is to others. It happens, you can’t protect people from themselves.
Ox Drover:
Looks like we are both in the choir.
MADD can’t prevent drunks from getting in cars, the hope is that the people around them can prevent it. But wouldn’t it be great if we could teach the cars to not unlock their doors when a drunk tries to get in them because they smell the booze on the drunks breath, or if they missed that, then they could refuse to start and hit the ejection seat before getting started? Or come to a safe stop, then the ejection seat if they didn’t catch the drift before travel began?
Sorry, I just like having fun with this analogy.
That is sad about your neighbor and his Haitian scam.
Dear Siblinghell,
Yea, I have “offspringhell” LOL and Parental DNA unit-hell–LOL
Yea it would be very nice if there was a way to get a vehicle to not go for a person who was high or drunk. One of my grandfathers and two friends were killed by drunk drivers and personally I think they should be crucified on first offense, and second offense get TOUGH! There is NO reason for someone to drink or drug any amount and get behind a wheel. I need to watch it or I will get on a RANT here! This is a trigger subject for me. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not particularly proud of but I never drove drunk, and have no empathy or sympathy or pity for those who DO.
I think, given your sib’s business success you will like Snakes in Suits, it s really a good book. I’m reading one now called “the 48 laws of power” that is also a GREAT book about psychopathic power plays. I’m a book-a-holic and read mostly non-fiction, but enjoy good fiction too. The last few years I’ve been reading mostly about healing, self awareness, psychopathy, spirituality, and so on…weaving things into my life that improve my life, my peace, and relieve stress etc. I’ve found some great books, and bought some that weren’t so great either…but most of the time I am pretty good at picking books that give me something as a “take home lesson.”
The book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl, who wrote it after he got out of the Nazi death camps (lost everything but his life) was a spiritual and healing turning point for me. There is meaning in all of this if we look for it, and we can find healing and peace no matter how much we have lost. It made me see that those who have lost “most” or those who have lost “little” are still EQUAL in the amount of PAIN. Pain is total. It envelops us whether we have lost a toe or a leg. It is only when we heal that the pain no longer overpowers us.
I’m working on doing things for me that are healthy for me. From stopping smoking to low sodium diet and weight loss…because I want to take care of myself. I deserve it. No more energy for taking care of others until I take care of ME.
I’m still here at LF after 3+ years because I am still learning every day!
Yea, sorry that my elderly neighbor is being scammed by the Haitian and by a 45 year old meth ‘ho as well. He’s lonely and 82, bless his heart! I told my son to kill me if I ever get that way! (again!) I got scammed by the “love fraud” as well after my husband died. Fortunately he didn’t take money and I didn’t marry him or let him move in.
Thanks for your support of my theory Siblinghell! We do need a name for them. Let the Dr’s and the medical field do their work and analize the hell out of it. Let the survivors warn the community and innocent people and inform the victims of the concept for healing purposes.
your quote: One in a million people will give us the time to describe these subtle behaviors and actully get it. We need short hand recognizable code word for the behaviors that will not put them off, yet alert them immediately to beware.
I can’t see myself speaking to the Sheriff and asking for support on this to educate his force and not having a damn “code word” for them. I’d look like a blithering idiot!!
I can’t see myself going to community meetings to bring awareness to them and not have a damn “code word”… and there goes the blithering idiot again!!!
Thank you for understanding my delima.
I don’t want to eradictae the world of spaths ( reality.. that can’t be done)…. but I want to expose the hell out of them. I AM going to expose them, I will find a way somehow and NO ONE is going to take the “wind out of my sails” or “steal my thunder over this”. My enthusiasm for my passions in life were stolen from me once by my xspath and that will never happen again!
I like your car analogy!! LOLOL
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
Ox Drover,
that is terrible about your neighbor! Poor old guy!
at least people have tried to inform him.
soimnotthecrazee1!
Dear Notthecrazee1,
I have done educational programs for the CASA (court appointed special advocates for foster kids) and unfortunately, many of these kids either have Psychopathic parents, and/or are high in psychopathic traits themselves. These CASA members NEED this information in being an advocate for the kids (even the ones that are high in P traits) So that is my little contribution to informing people in the judicial system and foster care….I also work with the DV shelter folks, doing the same thing, and education for the board of directors of the DV…these people NEED to know…but I can’t fix the world, and believe me, it is unfortunate. When my X-DIL got out of jail she had no where to go and the sheriff sent her to the DV SHELTER…DUH?!!! She was the attacker/abuser/psychopath and she went to the SHELTER for victims.????WTF??? Yep, people don’t get it.
The local sheriff was the ONLY one though that DID get it, he even gave me a letter to include in my petition to the court to get the Trojan Horse Psychopath out of my egg donor’s house. He went above and beyond. HE BELIEVED ME when he saw the 15 pages of convictions. NOT ARRESTS, CONVICTIONS.
Funny thing, later the egg donor said if I had had the SHERIFF speak to her she would have believed him—how much louder could he have “spoken?” Yet she let the TH-P come back into her house after promising she would not let him—in front of her attorney.
Later she gaslighted me by saying she didn’t “promise” she wouldn’t let him come back if I dropped my suit, she said she said “I said I had no PLANS to let him come back and at that time I didn’t have any PLANS to let him come back.” Yea, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt and wondered if A) I had heard wrong or B) she was forgetful and just didn’t remember what she’d said. It never dawned on me SHE WAS LYING THROUGH HER TEETH! DUH!!!!!
We believe what we WANT TO BELIEVE no matter what evidence is presented to us that it is not true. Education helps but it is not the total answer. Dr. Liane Leedom is a psychiatrist for goodness sakes and she was TOTALLY HOODWINKED, DUPED, CONNED, SCAMMED, FOOLED, HAD THE WOOL PULLED OVER HER EYES….she had the education about what a psychopath was and the “letters after her name” and she still didn’t get it until her nose was rubbed in it. Education and passing the word is NOT the protection that we would like to think it was.
I was WARNED about several of the psychopaths I dealt with in my life—but I DID NOT LISTEN TO THE WARNINGS. I was also educated about them and STILL DIDN’T GET IT in a timely manner.
DENIAL is a mental state that we all have the ability to use to protect ourselves from truths we don’t want to hear. I am a MASTER OF DENIAL, and that ain’t a river in Egypt folks!
We can educate people up one side and down the other, but until the time comes that they SEE and HEAR what we are saying, until they FEAR what we are saying, they will still be HOODWINKED into believing the psychopaths. That’s just the way it is. I have been warned and not listened. And I have warned others and they have not listened. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to get the word out, we SHOULD but forgive my opinions on “naming it” or “branding” it, but I don’t think a catchy ad campaign is going to educate people on a complex subject any better, or make them think, “Oh, that might be an __X___ behavior I need to watch this guy.” It isn’t just ONE behavior like “drinking too much and driving” it is a COMPLEX PATTERN OF BEHAVIORS.
If I were to get on any “brand-name” band wagon it would be on “BULLY.” This already has a NAME that is widely recognized along with a PATTERN of unprovoked behavior. Just MHO guys, not trying to start a fight! LOL (((hugs))))
Ox Drover,
What are you saying? Listen to yourself! Look at your typing!
I will not be discouraged into not doing what my heart feels a passion for…. no matter who( dr’s, phd’s abc’s or a2z’s) or what has been done in the past. Thats the key “the past”.
I am now passionate for today and the future.
FIGHT? That word is not in my vocabulary. I don’t fight…. I survive the one uppers that spath’s try to do to me!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and OPINION with me. You have been a great source of knowledge and you are a great “WELCOME WAGON” here at LF. Unfortunately, you have generational pshycopathy you have had to deal with and are still dealing with now and will deal with as long as a new generation is born in the bloodline.
You and I have two different ways of thinking and we both have the right to them. NOT either of them have control or outweigh the other. Those who relate to your way of thinking… good,,,, those who relate my way of thinking….. good! BUT… I WILL NOT BE DISCOURAGED!!!!
It takes all kinds of thinking to make the wheel complete. I think we complete the wheel here at LF. I am proud to be here and learn. Keep contributing!
notthecrazee1!!!!
Good Morning Ladies and Gents:
Late last night I was talking to a Male friend of mine on the West Coast and he pointed out something that I thought about all night long and now want to share with you all and get your insight.
I told him about catfish sp.
He asks: Did he mirror you….Me: looking back yes, I can see it.
He asks: How did it make you feel? Me: I couldn’t beleive how wonderful he was and how lucky I felt to have found him.
He says: You fell in love with yourself. The thing is you don’t realize how wonderful you are. Own it girl.
More to come—telephone ringing
So then he ask: What was it that made you realize something wasn’t right. Me: His moral compass seemed way off the mark to mine. I knew then that I could not compromise my standards for a few good times.
He says: That’s the universe talking to you. Warning you making you take action.
You are everything he can never be. He wants and craves it but deep down knows he can never have it fully ,so if he can’t have it he will take it from you, if even for a little while and destroy you fully if he can. He wants to be you and that can never be so then he tries to make you him so he can justify his behavior. WOW AND DOUBLE WOW (The SP said almost the exact thing to me once “We want what the other has and is.” at that time I told him I did not want anything other than a good and kind relationship and I had never wanted to be or would never want to be anyone other than myself.) this is definitely a light bulb moment.
My question to all of you is this. Did we really just fall in love with ourselves? Your thoughts please.
Stay Strong Stay Safe and Stay Sane Seeing Clearly