UPDATED FOR 2021. Just about all Lovefraud readers share the feeling of being shattered by the sociopath. You just can’t get your arms around the experience.
“How can someone who claims to love me be so cruel?”
“Do you mean he (she) never loved me? It was all a lie?”
“I never knew people like this existed!”
When you first begin to realize that you’ve been involved with someone who has a serious personality disorder, you may feel shattered by the sociopath, like you’ve lost your bearings in the world and you’re drifting.
You’ve had your heart broken before, but no previous relationship compared to this. Even if you’ve managed to get away from this toxic person, you feel lost. Your well-meaning friends and family are urging you to get over it, to put it behind you, but you can’t.
Why? Why is it so difficult to overcome the sociopathic experience?
I believe it’s because nobody talks about the fact that sociopaths live among us. It’s a giant, malevolent skeleton in humanity’s closet.
Society’s myths
All our lives, society bombards us with messages such as “everybody is basically the same,” “all men are created equal,” “we all just want to be loved,” and “there’s good in everyone.”
Read more: Explaining everyday sociopaths
We strive to follow the Golden Rule — “Treat others the way you want to be treated” — believing that if we’re good to people, they’ll be good to us in return.
As much as we would like these ideas to be universal, they are not. But no cultural institutions, such as schools, churches, or even women’s magazines, tells us that there are exceptions to all these truisms.
No one tells us that criminals and terrorists aren’t the only bad people in the world. No one tells us that our neighbors, co-workers, or fellow church members, who look just like us, may, in fact, be human predators.
So when we run into these human predators, we are totally unprepared.
The big contradiction
We don’t know about sociopaths — people who live their lives by exploiting others. Professionally, they may be diagnosed as antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic. The official estimates for the number of people who have these personality disorders average about 12% of the population.
For this segment of the population, all those feel-good messages we get from society simply don’t apply. These people are not the same as us. They do not just want to be loved. Deep down, there is no good inside.
World view
We all have a certain Weltanschauung, a word borrowed from German that means “world view.” We have ideas and beliefs about how the world works, the nature of things, and the nature of people.
After a lifetime of absorbing cultural messages such as “everyone deserves a chance” and “love can change everything,” these are the lenses through which we view the world. They are also the lenses through which we approach our relationships.
Then we are shattered by the sociopath.
Here’s why this betrayal is so devastating: It demolishes our world view. It contradicts everything we thought we knew and understood about the world and the people in it.
We learn, much to our horror, that our world view is not accurate. There is a certain percentage of the population — the sociopaths — for whom everything we thought we knew about humanity simply does not apply.
This is why we feel unhinged. Not only our heart is broken — our understanding of life is broken.
Wisdom
Along with emotional healing, therefore, recovery requires that we change our most fundamental beliefs.
Yes, for 88% of the population, everything we always thought remains true. But for the remaining 12%, we need to accept a new reality.
Sociopaths are totally different from the rest of us. They have no ability to love. They are motivated only by power and control.
Learn more: Start your recovery from emotional and psychological abuse
But now we know. We’ve know that although the majority of people are good and loving, some are not.
Having been shattered by the sociopath, we learned this lesson the hard way. Now we can approach the rest of our lives with the wisdom of a survivor.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on December 15, 2014.
Is Your Loved One Dysfunctional or a Sociopath?
That is exactly how I feel. I am devastated. My understanding of life is completely broken. I don’t know what is true, what false, whether God exhist, whether He is a product of my imagination only.I keep asking myself why God created such monters? And where is free will, if they have no consciense. I feel like I am watching a horror movie and I am main character in it. I am no even sure if those horrible things really happened to me. My ex “killed me emotionally” and I am not even sure if he is a psychopath.
We were together few years, we met when I was 23 and he 22. He was my prince charming and the best person, friend, sould mate I have ever met. We shared same ethical system, hobbies, our families loved me and him. We were so happy together and so much in love. During this whole time I haven’t seen his real face – the one behind mask of sanity, he never did any mistake, he passed all the tests, and was always for me when I needed him. Supported my career, adoring me, loving, spoiling etc. everything was great until I accepted his proposal and few months before wedding had a chance to break into his computer. He went abroad for few days and left me alone in his apartment. That was when I found videos of him and different woman, he was having sex with. He recorder all of that without their permission, they didn’t know about that. English is not my native language so it is nor easy for me to express what I felt when I saw it.The way he treated those woman, it just wasn’t the person I loved. Still I am not sure if some of them weren’t just prostitutes. The worst thing was that we never had sexual relation, I am religious and wanted to stay virgin till the wedding day and he claimed to be the same. We often talked how much we loved God, and how much we want to have pure love and marriage based on real commitment, friendship and unification. He often criticized his friends who lived with woman or changed their girlfriends like a socks. He underlined how blessed he was to have me and that I was his perfect angel and treasure. When I found his horrible secret my life was ruined I begged God to die. Still I praying for this. My heart and soul was innocent and I had to watch a love of my life in many porn movies made by him! After few days of not eating and throwing up. I decided to forgive him, I blamed myself of not sleeping with him. When he came back from abroad, and I told him about his revealed secret he started to cry and apologize. I felt so sorry for him and my love was even bigger, I could do anything to help him. He said that it was his weak side and that he was just depressed. Next day however , when I started to cry and couldn’t stop , he showed me the coldest face ever, he close the door to the room I was staying in, not to hear my cry and said “cry you will feel much better”. That was big red flag! He had no empathy for my pain! Then he came to me and offered to watch movie together, I was so much in shock that felt asleep in his arms, and when I woke up he said to me” I should kill you as you know all my secrets now”.I thought he was joking. 2 weeks after that , everybody started preparations for our wedding and I just couldn’t calm down, every night I had nightmares, he was betraying me in and then cutting my face with knife, his face looked different – was very ugly, he looked like a psychopath. (I didn’t understand that as he is very handsome – type of man model). When I told him that I started to have doubts if he really loved me, he got mad.I asked him to give me 2 weeks so I could make final decision regarding our wedding. I loved him so much that after 1 weeks I called him and told him I wanted to be with him. He told me that as he sees my fears he thinks we should slow down a bit, he was lately pushing me to marriage, his last words to me were: “Honey don’t say anybody about your doubts. We will solve our problems together.I will wait for you as long as you need. Let’s talk tommorow. I love you”. And guess what….he dissapeard from my life the next day, it was just before Easter!he blocked me, my friends, family on facebook. And few days later posted a photo with new woman, few weeks later photos from their engagement ceremony. He was kneeling in front of her as he kneeled in front of me, and he even gave her exactly the same engagement ring. He never broke up with me! I still had the ring he gave me! He married her on our day of wedding, the date I chose, in the place I chose. She even had the wedding dress similar to one I chose. They went on honeymoon to the place I chose. And he made sure that I see all of that as he posted all the photos on facebook. His family trurned his back on him and supported me , even though I didn’t ask them for that, for the first time he didn’t care that his father disagreed with him. All of that is so strange, I am not sure whether he is psychopath whether not, he was so good to me, he loved animals, he was helping so many people, always saying right things, from good family, well educated, modest, I could count like that for hours. And than he married a woman he knew few days, why ?To make me suffer more? Is it normal? I am not sure what is normal anymore. I keep blaming myself for what I found in his computer, his family say that he is unhappy with new woman and that he loves me, but can he really love. Could he really pretend the love for me which I saw in his eyes? Will God ever give me the answer to all my questions? How can I trust again?
Pau – I am so sorry for what you experienced. A terrible, shocking story. But you are in the right place. Here at Lovefraud, you can find understanding.
I would say your former fiance is probably a sociopath/psychopath. The way he made promises to you, pretended to be everything you wanted, while everything was a lie that is sociopathic behavior.
Here are a few thoughts:
First, do not blame yourself for anything. He is the one who was cheating. He cheated because he wants to. If you had relations with him, he still would have cheated. Do not accept responsibility for his atrocious behavior. It’s all him, not you.
Second – your nightmares were very significant. That was God or your intuition telling you not to marry this man. In my opinion, God and intuition are closely related. God did not desert you. He was warning you and protecting you.
Third – your life is not ruined – it is saved. You have learned a very important lesson – that sociopaths live among us – before you married this man and had children with him. You are blessed. Yes, you will need to recover from this experience, and it will take time. But you have acquired much wisdom, which will serve you well throughout your life.
I can think of one answer to hang your hat on: Your beau is/was heebie-jeebie weird. Whatever else he was/might be, he definitely is a weird one. And here’s the thing: Weirdos can look normal… up to a point. When you wind up doing 24/7 with them, you catch the smell…And they do create the most curious of lives. You hang around long enough and you’d be wondering not just what folks think of you with him but whether some of his goofy hasn’t rubbed off on you!
You know, sometimes, despite ourselves and our tunnel visions, God takes care to see us to safety. It was a good fortune to you that the creep went his way; despite his parting words (Maybe even despite himself) because when you didn’t take heed yourself, it was the only way to save you.
You might think of this for the future: That the kick in the teeth you first got, you were meant to get to get you gone. You don’t have to worry about trusting another; you just have to be trustworthy to yourself: That you won’t ever entertain a second chance for that which is just yucky/weirdo (Not even for the choirboy), that you’ll lead with your head not heart as difficult as that may seem, that you won’t put any of your stabilities in jeopardy (financial, personal gratifications, career aims, important relationships, etc.)and that you’ll have a tongue and cheek attitude about romance… That it’s fun, it’s heady and desirable but it is only a shooting star. The prognostic indicators for happiness rest in other things… including the kind of things that left you sleepless and broke your heart.
Your pain from this way weird business will not last. The day is coming sooner than you imagine that you will shudder about this as a “close call”. You don’t have to do anything particularly special to have that day come; you’re already geared for that moment. Just because you encountered a weirdo doesn’t mean anything but that…ie, says nothing about you.
On the other hand, what would have been like to have been the one in the wedding dress? OMG! I can’t hazard to guess because you got only the tip of the iceberg on this wacko.
Pau,
I have been reading snippets from this site for several years now, but have never commented because I made the mistake of using my actual “handle” of Eurohorse when I originally signed up, and I did not want my ex (a flaming sociopath) to use it against me. However, when I read your story, I was compelled to finally contribute.
Your story is tragic. It is 9:06 in the morning, while I am typing this, and I am near tears, on your behalf.
But Pau, here is what I find the most tragic…..and that is that you are doubting yourself. You are so young – you have such a fine life ahead of you – I was 45 when I went down the path of loving someone who was not who he said he was.
I want you to learn from me, right here, right now, please.
I have a child who just turned 16 from my involvement. My four other children are much older. I bought a book just two days ago on Audible (it’s a service where you can purchase a book, and listen to someone read it). I implore you to buy this book. To put aside all of your worries, all of your grief, all of your horror – and just sit and listen to this book. It will change your life. Here is the name of the book….The Object of my Affection is my Reflection. I am reading it because I fear that many traits of the sociopath are tempting for my 16 year old. His father, after completely annihilating me financially, moved on to another woman whom he financially ruined as well….we were both stepping stones to his marriage to the daughter of a billionaire. Yes, with a “B”. She is what is called a “trust funder”. He now has an American Express card in his wallet that gets paid every month by his father-in-law. My son has one too. It is hard to compete. That is why I am listening to this book, because even though my ex is basically out of my life, my son will never be. Please get the book immediately, whether in a hard copy, or through Audible, but you must read it. I believe that once you have, you will become the most determined, the most audacious, the sassiest and most compelling victim of a sociopath the world has ever seen! Thank your lucky stars that this happened to you when you were still just a babe….as in a babe in arms. Your willingness to tell your story was the beginning of your bravery. You have NAILED this, Pau!!!!!!! You are on a mission!!!!!! I am so proud of you!!!!!! And by the way, God has already given you all the answers you will ever need. You have them, right now. Be at peace. That is all God wants for you, and that is huge.
I have just escaped a 30 year marriage to a sociopath. I knew after the first few years that something wasn’t right. I thought it was his difficult childhood. I thought I just needed to love him more, do more, be more. It took me longer to realize that everything out of his mouth was a lie.
I read a lot of books about difficult men and how, as a wife, I could help him, us. Not one mentioned anything about a sociopath and how nothing can be changed.
After leaving him, he spread some pretty vicious rumors about me to our friends, customers, people I work with and potential employers. I wondered why everyone was being weird, then he finally let me in on the big ‘secret’. He has pulled some pretty devastating things on me in the past, but his one took the cake. I was so humiliated over the things he accused me of. The worst part is that so many people who were supposed to be ‘my’ friends, supposed to ‘know’ me, actually believed him! Of course, I know how he told them. With his head bowed, shaking his head, stuttering because he was so emotionally devastated to have to talk about it, then looking them in the eye, lip quivering, as a tear rolled down his cheek. Of course they believed him! Look how many years I believed him.
So, now I’m at the point that I just don’t think I can trust anyone. Seems we had a few customers that backed him up and have been spreading the lies. I get calls everyday from friends from all over the country, asking if it’s true.
The whole kicker is that he’s convinced himself that his lies are the truth! I know from reading here that that is part of it. He has always believe that saying something enough times makes it the truth. Once I asked him why he lied to me. He said it was really my fault because I’d ask him about things that he didn’t want me to know about. Yes, if I hadn’t asked the wrong question, he would not have had to lie.
I’ve dropped all our friends, cut myself off from all of them. I’ve moved four hours away and have no contact other than regarding our divorce settlement. I only speak to him in a voice void of all emotion. He cannot understand why I’m being ‘this way’. Once the divorce is final, I will have no further contact with him, even though we have two adult children.
I just wish I had found the information on this site so many years ago. Had I known it was hopeless, I would not have worked so hard to make everything work. Once the divorce is final, I am planning on starting a FB page that offers information and testimonials on sociopaths because I know so many other women in the same boat.
As to ‘why’ he lied to me, manipulated me, and used me…because he could.
Teepee1124, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s sad to say, but your story is a common one. Spaths know how to work people and they are quite narcissistic and sensitive to having their reputations questioned. He sounds like an older man who has had years of practice, years of watching, researching and mimicking how to turn on his fake emotions to convince the unknowing of his great “pain” and “hurt” caused by you. For the uneducated out there, all they see is this poor, hurting man who misses his wife and can’t understand what has gone wrong in her mind. And all the while, it was and is him who is at fault.
If you can afford it, I highly recommend you seek out a counselor/therapist who is knowledgeable in the field of victims of sociopaths and get some help for yourself. It will take years to heal from this. And it will be hard for you to ever trust another man again. But please take time to take care of yourself. You need it, you deserve it. Build new friendships and new social circles. Of your old friends, maybe a few might be willing to listen and learn, but if they refuse to believe you, move on. You have to forge a new life for yourself.
I watched my mother come out of a 15 year marriage to my sociopathic father and she did not do any of the above and ended up jumping from one relationship to the next and finally married a man who turned out to be a severe Narcissist who cheated a lot and gave her much grief and unhappiness, and emotional needs that went unmet. I think all people coming out of a marriage like you had needs to take time to heal and recover. Your idea to start a FB page for others like you is a great idea. And you will learn more about yourself and not feel so alone.
Blessings to you. I hope you will find your new self and be happy again.
Thank you. Through reading here I was dumbstruck over reading about PTSD. It ‘fit’, and I couldn’t believe I finally had an answer. I was having terrible physical symptoms, all listed here. I also had five shingle outbreaks in 6 months. If that doesn’t tell you something, nothing will.
So, yes, I will be finding a therapist after the first of the year. My commitment to myself it to get healthy- emotionally, physically and spiritually. It’s my number one priority.
Thanks for the great site. It has been a tremendous help to me, and unfortunately, I know several other women who are in the same boat I’ve been in. I’m passing on the info, knowing it will help them out as well.
I wonder what Camille Cosby’s nightmare is like behind closed door since we now know what Bill Cosby’s evil double life looks like in public.
I’ve wondered the same thing. Has she traded a comfortable life for this? Women of wealthy and powerful men often do. She is not a dumb woman from what I’ve seen. She must have known.
I doubt she knew. Who could imagine such a monster, really? Sure, she may have thought he was fooling around, but really, drugging and raping women? And she probably learned early on not to ask questions. His willingness to victimize women certainly makes him a candidate for being very nasty and vindictive to anyone that questioned him.
After so many years, there is a shame that overtakes you when you realize what a liar the person is. Life is less difficult if you just roll along with the punches. It does become more about surviving each day and less about working for the future. She will be left holding the bag and he won’t care one whit.
It’s amazing the denial she’s lived in for so long. To forsake herself for a lifestyle? I’m sure she must have known but as Jan7 said we don’t know what her nightmare was like behind closed doors. I know how bad mine was and how I still live with it today. My marriage was under 10 years but it was 10 years that will probably take a lifetime to purge. I was just recently divorced and have gone into hiding from almost everyone including family. I am in therapy but the nightmares still haunt me and I still have no adrenal or thyroid function despite medication. Am also on activated B complex. My experience with this monster nearly killed me and I’m now certain this was his plan all along.
Daughterofone & LostnFraud, I think the real reason is Cosby is just masterful at manipulating people including his wife…his victims talk about how much power he had/has in Hollywood and how “powerful” he is…when they use the word “powerful” I now (since being educated) equate that to master manipulator & sociopathic behavior.
There is no doubt he is gas lighting his wife behind closed door because he is now attempting to gas light the media & viewers…he is attempting to change the perspective of peoples options. Throw in the fact he is also blame shifting in high gear and having his lawyers & now his wife do the same ….he is predictable in his sociopathic behavior.
Camille has her Phd she is a smart woman & well respected but she is being brain washed/mind controlled by her husband just like a cult leader does to his followers like all victims of sociopathic abuse. I imagine after 50years of being married to a evil man it would be very hard to leave because you have been so conditioned with mind games that you would not know what to do once you escaped much like a cult follower leaving after 50 years. The word “denial” is often used to describe a victim but really it’s the fact they are brain washed/mind controlled that keeps them in the denial state.
The money aspect is not a problem they live in California and she would get have of his estimate 300 million dollars.
I feel sorry for her because there is no doubt she has been/being mentally, emotionally, verbally (maybe physically) abused by him. A man that is abusive in public is also abusive behind closed doors with his loved ones. He has no respect for woman and only cares about his needs being met it’s all about him this is evident by him drugging the woman.
LostnFraud I dont think it is a bad thing to shut the world out when you first leave you abuser the reason why is a victim needs time to heal their brain & body from all the trauma. All the noise in the daily world is chaotic and a victim needs calmness to sort out the mind and to relax the mind. You will get to a good place again you are being very proactive with your healing (coming to lovefraud, in therapy, taking vitamins etc) God’s speed in your recovery!
Jenna23, My heart broke reading your post, I am so sorry that you are in so much emotional pain.
It sounds like you have PTSD. A high percentage of victims of abuses have PTSD. One of the biggest issues with PTSD according to adrenal gland expert is Adrenal fatigue. Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue (PTSD) is racing thoughts, continual loop of the same thoughts, anxiety,sleep issues depression, panic attacks, mood swings, ocd issues, etc etc it’s a long list. See sites like adrenalfatigue. org take the questionnaire on the site to see how your adrenal glands are functioning/see symptoms list/read, Drlam. com see symptoms list/read, Mialundin. com see her you tube videos/read her book (must read!!).
Find a good hormonal specialist by googling “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors and/or ask friends and/or see adrenalfatigue. org for a list of doctors. Get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD (adrenal fatigue). Within days & weeks you will have a calm mind, body and will move back towards your old self. This is the missing link to healing form a toxic abusive relationship.
Adrenal fatigue Symptoms list from DrLam. com:
“…Not everyone has all of the symptoms or conditions listed below. The number varies from person to person, but if you take a step back and look from afar, they collectively paint a picture of a body under threat. The higher the prevalence or intensity of the items listed below, the higher the chances that you may have Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.”
Unable to fall asleep despite being tired
Wake up in the middle of the night for no reason
Heart palpitations at night or when stressed
Low Blood pressure consistently
Low libido and lack of sex drive
Low thyroid function, often despite thyroid medications
Feeling of hypoglycemia though laboratory values are normal
Depression, often unresolved after anti-depressant
Endometriosis
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Uterine fibroids
Fibrocystic breast disease
Hair falling off for no reason
Irritable under stress
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Feeling “wired” and unable to relax
Feeling of adrenaline rushes in the body
Fogging thinking
Inability to handle stress
Waking up feeling tired in the morning after night’s sleep
Feeling tired in the afternoon between 3:00 and 5:00 pm
Inability to take in simple carbohydrate
Coffee needed to get going in the morning and throughout the day
Coffee, tea or energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes
Feeling tired between 9:00 and 10:00 PM, but resists going to bed
Craving for fatty food and food high in protein
Craving for salty food such as potato chips
Dry skin more than usual
Unexplained hair loss that is diffuse
Exercise helps first, but then makes fatigue worse
Chemical sensitivities to paint, fingernail polish, plastics
Electromagnetic force sensitivity, including cell phone and computer monitors
Delay food sensitivity, especially to diary and gluten
Unable to get pregnant, requiring IVF
Post partum fatigue and depression
Recurrent miscarriages during first trimester
Abdominal fat accumulation for no apparent reason
Temperature intolerance, especially to heat or sunlight
Dysmenorrhea advancing to amenorrhea
Premature Menopause
Constipation for no apparent reason
Joint pain of unknown origin
Muscle mass loss
Muscle pain of unknown reason
Cold hands and feet
Premature aging skin
Inability to concentrate or focus
Psoriasis of no known reason
Gastritis despite normal gastroscopy
Low back pain with no history of trauma and normal examination
Dizziness for no known cause
Fructose mal-absorption
Tinnitus (ringing in the ear) chronically
Numbness and tingling in extremities bilaterally
Mouth sores recurrent
Short of breath even though breathing is fine
Ovarian cyst
Breast cancer associated with estrogen dominance
Grave’s disease
Hashimoto’s thyroiditis
Legs that feel heavy at times
Dark Circle under eyes that does not go away with rest
Loss of healthy facial skin tone color
Body feel tense all over and unable to relax
Postural orthostatic tachycardia
Irritable Bowl Syndrome, with more constipation then diarrhea
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome unimproved with medicine
Fibromyalgia unresolved after conventional help
Systemic Candida that gets worse when under stress
Electrolyte imbalance despite normal laboratory values
Irregular Menstrual Cycle that “stops and go”
Lyme Disease but unable to fully recover after medication or intolerance to drugs
H Pylori Infection in the past and was told resolved but never feel the same since
Heavy metal and mineral toxicity may mimic AFS
My view of everything has changed. I view the world in shades of grey instead of color now that the world has been forever altered for me. I do not know if I will ever be the same or if my heart will ever mend to beat again instead of the dull thud I feel inside my empty shell of a chest. After 3 failed relationships with men in 30 yrs who were definately s-paths (what are the odds on that happening) I am basically done with relationships. I even managed to find a couple of female s-paths as “friends” for good measure (I still had just a pinch of self-esteem left for someone to smash -by golly) Hell will probably be a relief for me , actually.
You are certainly not a dummy. You wouldn’t believe how common it is to go from one spath to another. This happens because this feels normal to you. You know this personality type and it feels comfortable. You are used to being treated badly, you are used to being used, you are used to doing everything to keep the relationship going, you are used to being guilted and manipulated. These sickos cause you to question yourself and give you “crazy head” and keep blaming yourself over and over again for disappointing them.
You are on the right path. Just being here on this site is a good sign of self awareness. I have a friend who draws in spaths like moths to a flame. She is too nice to them and has a hard time saying no. Then I realized why – she’s married to one. So, this feels normal to her. I’ve tried and tried to get her to see it, but there are blinders in place because she has been groomed since her teens to be their doormat. I know too. Been there. You feel like a total jerk for standing your ground. And they will make you feel guilty for no longer coming around and being their play thing. More crazy head.
Some victims heal faster than others. But don’t beat yourself up for having had so many spaths in your life. It happens a lot and you are at an advantage because you recognize it. Sites like this are so valuable. Counseling, if you can afford it, would also be helpful. Give yourself time and be strong and don’t rush into any friendships or romantic relationships. Those spaths count on you jumping in with both feet.
Blessings to you!
Pau, YES, he really did fake it when he looked into your eyes with such love, and told you he loved you. Been there! My sociopath was my husband of 26 years. He looked at me with “genuine” love and warmth, and depth of feeling, every time he saw me, the whole time. His eyes “lit up” every time he saw me. This was part of how I “knew” what a deep, intimate bond we had. Yet he was cheating and paying hookers the entire time, and committing other criminal acts. While building a life and business, and raising two kids with me. Like Teepee, I knew nothing about sociopaths, and had no clue I was devoting my life to one. Teepee, I applaud you for your incredible good sense and strength in how you are handling this!!! You will recover and you WILL be fine!
I learned mine was a sociopath the day after I ended the marriage; our counselor explained it to me…..I had known I needed to talk to him alone… knew he was seeing something in ex that I didn’t see…and then a clarity came into my life, and I healed quickly, because I realized how truly heartless ex was. I think of him as a robot. As I cut off all his control of me, he spiralled totally out of control quickly, and tried to have me killed. Because he’s so dysfunctional, he admitted it in court.
Biggestdummyofall, I do know how you feel, I know how empty you feel. I also had a best friend who was a sociopath, and I only figured it out 7 years into the friendship, as she and her children began stealing from me, and I caught her in lies. I’m not good at discerning these people, no question…. but I’m good at other things, and you WILL feel better!! I have grown deeply in faith, in my relationship with God. I trust HIM to heal me and walk me forward with healthy relationships. I have seen Him bring me clarity with 2 guys now, and a few girl friends. God promises to provide, and to help you, and so many other things. His promises are true…..cling to those. I have to daily realize my value in God’s eyes. If someone can’t treat me with love, respect, and honor, then they don’t deserve me. And I am not wasting my time with those who don’t.
Biggestdummyofall….I feel the same. My entire worldview has changed. The world is not anything at all like I thought it was. Evil truly does exist. And I had 2 s-paths in a row. When I was fighting for my life and trying to get away from s-path #1, s-path #2 smelled the vulnerability and honed in on me like a shark. When you deal with so many so closely, it makes you wonder about EVERYONE! I look at everyone now that gets close to me and I look for signs they might be s-paths. It really sucks.
pau
if in your dreams you see a different face, i think- based on my own experience- you should pay attention to that face you see.
take that memory out of the dream and look at it. hard. straight up, look at the real face of the real person you loved.
because THAT is the face of him.
you can’t see it because of the lovebomb…because you don’t want to. because he’s careful to turn his face away til he has just the right expression to show you.
but somewhere, you’ve looked back when he didn’t expect it, and you’ve seen his unguarded face.
and although consciously you didn’t want to believe it, your subconscious is trying to break through all this surfeit of overwhelming adoration and show you what you are burying.
God is real, pau. and God and his rules are saving you. by not having sex with him you have managed to retain just enough objectivity on the “back office software threat detection” to escape.
it takes time– time to slowly “depressurize” and slowly wake up…because that state is “cognitive dissonance” and it goes hand in hand with “lovebombing”.
and they progress along with that whole relationship deal, too. so if he said he should kill you, at some point he very probably would have.
thank the God who just saved you.
i was a “closet christian” and looked back after 14 years of marriage to see that face…and the subsequent one, the one that “rescued” me from being killed by my own husband…
The hardest thing for me is to remember that it is only 12% of the population. I can’t seem to believe in anyone without having to talk myself into believing them. Even the man I’m involved with now; who I knew before my ex husband shattered my world view. He has never lied to me in the 14 years I have known him. He is one of 2 people who know exactly what my ex did to me in graphic detail because he wanted to understand what had happened to the girl he used to know. I STILL can’t just trust him if all people. I feel so broken sometimes. I just want to enjoy loving him. I don’t know how.
Andi, I hear you. As well, I am not able to fully trust anyone anymore. Not my husband (I have a lot of nerve not trusting him, eh? Even though I did not have a physical affair w/the path, I feel guilty for the total emotional immersion and infatuation), even my onw daughter, friends, especially co-workers. I just left a job after a year and 1/2 because the lead boss seemed inconsistent, moody and I just felt sick every day having to face him. I did not trust him at all.
The worst part of this, Andi, is I don’t trust or respect myself.
Whatever it takes to forgive yourself, try. You have every reason to do so. The personality traits that made us attractive to the paths are responsible for this lack of trust some of us wrestle with.
I wish you self-love and forgiveness. Let trust happen.
Burnt!
My sociopath displayed most of the qualities listed in the excellent articles on this site. UNFORTUNATELY, they weren’t displayed until after our marriage and the control began. I absolutely would not be controlled, told when I could get out of bed, talk, sit, where to stand, who I could talk to, where I could go (to name a few). She did, however, destroy me emotionally. When the charm and the romance is there, ya can’t help falling in love with em! But, that’s the plan, to hook us, catch us off guard, prey upon our emotions. My experience with this manipulative predator has made me look at everyone with a different eye. Though I have not experienced the trauma and hurt that most sociopath victims have, the depression is here. It’s difficult to comprehend how someone can use you, with no remorse or conscience. Educating ourselves is key. Thanks Donna for the wonderful articles and your great letter of encouragement.
Jordan, I know exactly how you feel..now the tables have turned in my relationship. she has divorced her 5th husband and is baiting her hook for me…no thanks !!!!. and yes I look at every woman differently now..prob will never get married again
spaths look for needy people, like you and me. they don’t love you, they say they do but they don’t. my ex told me she never did love me and that she only married me to get out of the apartments she was in…then the cheating started, with the neighbors and anyone online she could catch.. I am so happy I don’t have to look at her phony smiles anymore.. truly happy !!!!!!!