UPDATED FOR 2021. Just about all Lovefraud readers share the feeling of being shattered by the sociopath. You just can’t get your arms around the experience.
“How can someone who claims to love me be so cruel?”
“Do you mean he (she) never loved me? It was all a lie?”
“I never knew people like this existed!”
When you first begin to realize that you’ve been involved with someone who has a serious personality disorder, you may feel shattered by the sociopath, like you’ve lost your bearings in the world and you’re drifting.
You’ve had your heart broken before, but no previous relationship compared to this. Even if you’ve managed to get away from this toxic person, you feel lost. Your well-meaning friends and family are urging you to get over it, to put it behind you, but you can’t.
Why? Why is it so difficult to overcome the sociopathic experience?
I believe it’s because nobody talks about the fact that sociopaths live among us. It’s a giant, malevolent skeleton in humanity’s closet.
Society’s myths
All our lives, society bombards us with messages such as “everybody is basically the same,” “all men are created equal,” “we all just want to be loved,” and “there’s good in everyone.”
Read more: Explaining everyday sociopaths
We strive to follow the Golden Rule — “Treat others the way you want to be treated” — believing that if we’re good to people, they’ll be good to us in return.
As much as we would like these ideas to be universal, they are not. But no cultural institutions, such as schools, churches, or even women’s magazines, tells us that there are exceptions to all these truisms.
No one tells us that criminals and terrorists aren’t the only bad people in the world. No one tells us that our neighbors, co-workers, or fellow church members, who look just like us, may, in fact, be human predators.
So when we run into these human predators, we are totally unprepared.
The big contradiction
We don’t know about sociopaths — people who live their lives by exploiting others. Professionally, they may be diagnosed as antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic. The official estimates for the number of people who have these personality disorders average about 12% of the population.
For this segment of the population, all those feel-good messages we get from society simply don’t apply. These people are not the same as us. They do not just want to be loved. Deep down, there is no good inside.
World view
We all have a certain Weltanschauung, a word borrowed from German that means “world view.” We have ideas and beliefs about how the world works, the nature of things, and the nature of people.
After a lifetime of absorbing cultural messages such as “everyone deserves a chance” and “love can change everything,” these are the lenses through which we view the world. They are also the lenses through which we approach our relationships.
Then we are shattered by the sociopath.
Here’s why this betrayal is so devastating: It demolishes our world view. It contradicts everything we thought we knew and understood about the world and the people in it.
We learn, much to our horror, that our world view is not accurate. There is a certain percentage of the population — the sociopaths — for whom everything we thought we knew about humanity simply does not apply.
This is why we feel unhinged. Not only our heart is broken — our understanding of life is broken.
Wisdom
Along with emotional healing, therefore, recovery requires that we change our most fundamental beliefs.
Yes, for 88% of the population, everything we always thought remains true. But for the remaining 12%, we need to accept a new reality.
Sociopaths are totally different from the rest of us. They have no ability to love. They are motivated only by power and control.
Learn more: Start your recovery from emotional and psychological abuse
But now we know. We’ve know that although the majority of people are good and loving, some are not.
Having been shattered by the sociopath, we learned this lesson the hard way. Now we can approach the rest of our lives with the wisdom of a survivor.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on December 15, 2014.
Is Your Loved One Dysfunctional or a Sociopath?
Sweetheart, the simple answer is that he does those things because he is a psychopath.
And NOT because of anything at all to do with you.
That is HARD right? because we like to feel like WE are in the relationship TOO!!!!! That’s what makes them evil, and that is the only word that really fits.
I am so SORRY!!! this happened to you, it was NOT YOUR FAULT, all your can do is promise yourself to never act like that as a human being or EVER let a kid in your control do it either. And remember, his being ugly doesn’t make you less beautiful.
Hi jenna,
Yes, I think they do eventually get what’s coming to them most of the time…they eventually do themselves in. I’ve been where you are. I was having trouble functioning day to day. Dealing with the ex-spath was too stressful…but I went to my doctor and got help with coping. I believe I also have PTSD. I quit a stressful job to help me heal. I ended all contact with the ex (we have a child together) and used a middle man for all communication. He made my life hell for years but once I cut him out completely, things slowly got better…I got better. I still have 4 court cases against him representing myself. I go to court almost every month but I can handle it now, with help. I hope that if you need help, you ask for it. It really does make a difference (I mean from a doctor)
My ex always seemed to be able to fool people…friends, lawyers, judges, social workers. I had the ability with my last court order to invoke supervision if I thought my son was unsafe with him. I did so in October 2013 and he refused to pay for a supervisor so he hasn’t seen him since then (my son is 5 now). he basically disappeared except for court, in which he had 5 bench warrants issued for not showing up. I found out in June that he was caught shoplifting in April. I found out today that he was charged with theft over $5000, theft under $5000, theft of 2 motor vehicles, resisting a peace officer and running from a police officer and more,all in the last 3 months. he is also facing jail time for not paying child support and soon I will be able to enforce my other 3 judgements against him. It took 4 years, but he was finally caught and has plead guilty! He never stopped, he just got smarter at hiding what he was doing. On january 14 he is going to court to get the results of a psych exam…and I will be there!!! I am going to try to get his access removed completely due to his mental issues.
I know it’s hard to recover. it shatters your trust in all people. but there are still a lot of good people out there. surround yourself with them. rid your life of toxic people. take care of yourself. get better. don’t let that monster win.
I’d add also Jenna, that my spath was also adopted by very worthy people, and ended up really “taking a dump” on their lives and especially his Army officer adopted father, who would totally FREAK OUT if he knew what happened after he died. omg. all that money, all those honorable years……WASTED and thrown away to the OW while the gentleman’s own family members SUFFERED.
So yeah, I feel your pain. 🙂
They really are disordered.
TOTALLY I have been there!!! I remember holidays alone and whatnot but TRUST ME, these people do not continue to pull bags over peoples’ heads forever. As they go along these relationships DO fall apart, they do!!! I have watched my spath go from Mr. Popular to Mr. About-To-Be Arrested, in about 2.5 years.
And Jenna let me be frank if you missed me on other threads: MY personal Mr. Popular is being accused of HOMICIDE by OW family members, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
No, it doesn’t last for them. As they get older, the Mask starts to slip and they forget who they told Lie A to, as opposed to Lies B, C or D, and eventually people get together and say HEY WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO!! and at some point, I believe there was a “confrontation” between his latest conquest and himself that ended up even WORSE than you and I feel tonite.
In fact Jenna, you’ve already predicted that horrible person’s future, when you wrote:
“Now she is bitterly fighting to get her money back again…”
I’ll bet I am lots older than you. In my generation of hippies, we called that BUSTED. 🙂
Oh they sure will! and you don’t want to be around, when they do. Cuz they will be just as angry as you are, and it’s hoped you will be MILES away by then, after all who wants a cheating man? NOT YOU.
And not anybody else that is sane either, cuz all that sort of man does is make EVERYBODY feel ugly. It doesn’t matter how lovely they looked five minutes before, now they feel homely, unwanted and like cold leftovers, just because he treated them like you-know-what.
There is a lot of stuff you can google up about spaths with a sexual orientation to their sickness, by the way. It IS a different twist and my spath also had some weird sexual stuff going on …. not with me, but (I later learned) “others” if you get my drift (I’m sure you do).
Jenna, I even found an old pencil cartoon that he’d drawn of his adopted father — in the nude — “excited” if you know what I mean.
I think the word is Perverse.
The decades I stayed just drove me more insane, ha. Every MINUTE around him made me more and more nuts. Recently I ran across that old cartoon he’d drawn out of his poor father, who was not just in a sex act in these pictures but DECEASED!!! and I though OMG how could I possibly have missed how deranged this person was??!!!
In truth Jenna I would be ashamed and embarrassed to show you the cartoon I found in my old boxes the other day, because I am 100% sure you would think I had a screw loose to stay with him. I don’t even have an excuse to give myself, much less someone else, I really MUST have been insane.
Just as you said about yours, my spath’s adopted parents were wonderful middle-aged people (if maybe a little old? to have adopted him and his older sister at 40 or so) and that was the SICKEST drawing I think I’ve ever seen!! Of ANYBODY!! not just their adopted Army officer dad.
Do you understand the reasons that your counselor wants you to refrain from getting further involved? It can help to understand those reasons.
First, is the issue of your safety in this day of age where the unimaginables happen with more frequency than we appreciate. You don’t know this ex-lover; you didn’t when hooked up with him and how could you? Have a healthy respect for this clown’s deceptions and bad guy’s ways… Healthy for you: To stay away from peril to you.
Second, as tempting as it is to rehash (It is more like being driven), research says that it’s likely to leave you stuck in that purgatory longer. Here’s a method to help you move out of that: Take the incredulous that you’re feeling not to do reality checks by a rehash but to seek help for shouldering the incredulous. What I mean is respect that you are shouldering this incredulous thing, were never prepared to shoulder it (and shouldn’t have had to be prepared) and so now, need help to do that. Describe to your counselor, as much as you can, the states you go through shoulder this. Then he/she can be more help to those. The story of what put you there doesn’t matter to a counselor: What matters to them what is happening to you for what you shoulder.
Do you understand the reasons that your counselor wants you to refrain from getting further involved? It can help to understand those reasons.
First, is the issue of your safety in this day of age where the unimaginables happen with more frequency than we appreciate. You don’t know this ex-lover; you didn’t when hooked up with him and how could you? Have a healthy respect for this clown’s deceptions and bad guy’s ways… Healthy for you: To stay away from peril to you.
Second, as tempting as it is to rehash (It is more like being driven), research says that it’s likely to leave you stuck in that purgatory longer. Here’s a method to help you move out of that: Take the incredulous that you’re feeling not to do reality checks by a rehash but to seek help for shouldering the incredulous. What I mean is respect that you are shouldering this incredulous thing and could never been prepared to shoulder it… and so now, need help to do that. Describe to your counselor, as much as you can, the states you go through shouldering this for that’s where he/she can be of help. This is their business to bring support and guidance to the hard stuff that happens to us.
The story of what put you there doesn’t matter to a counselor: What matters to them what is happening to you for what you shoulder, for you to give voice to that and get help to make it tolerable.
Thank you for answering. 2 months is still not very long out, and for most survivors it is a very tough time to go through. The awful reality of the nightmare is sinking in for you; and you are going through very painful and traumatic grief work. You are doing good for yourself by seeing a counselor.
Your ex SAID he loved you, but he did not love you. The way he treated you is NOT loving, it is harmful. You probably loved the person he said he was in order to deceive you, not who he really is.
The person he presented is fake, it never existed and never will exist. However, there are nice people in the world who are honest and goofd.
It happened to you because he decided he wanted to exploit you for something and he decided to lie to you and abuse you, because that is how he treats anyone. Many of us victims/survivors are particularly kind, generous, loving, honest, and trusting. Your ex abuser chose to exploit these excellent traits you have developed. After a spath experience, we learn to be very careful to only give ourselves to someone who appreciates our goodness, who cares about our well being, and who has good character traits of honesty and commitment.
It happened to all of us because we didn’t know the truth, because we were deceived by an evil person who set out to deceive us. It happened because the lying abuser is a bad person. He doesn’t want whats best for others, he doesn’t care about the well being of others, he is a liar and he likes being the way he is. Beyond that, there is no logical reason. In the 19th century they called psychopathic behavior moral insanity. We can’t really understand; and I eventually decided I would not want to really understand. It’s too awful.
Something very bad happened to you. It is not your fault, you didn’t do anything to cause your ex psychopath to abuse and betray you. He treats everyone this way, when he can get away with it. You are likely experiencing confusion and cognitive dissonance because most people do not recognize what has happened to you and how bad a person he is. If you are widowed or in a bad accident, people have a lot of understanding and sympathy; but survivors of psychopathic abuse and abandonment are not well understood.
Your ex psychopath is now conducting a smear campaign against you. He’s a skilled liar and people believe him in the same way that you were deceived enough by him to get in a relationship with him.
The PTSD, the bewilderment, the pain, and the questions you have, are normal responses to being abused and abandoned by a very bad person. There are evil people in the world, for whatever reason. My personal belief is that it is on some level a choice they make and they do know right from wrong, along with a genetic propensity. They deaden their consciences by repeatedly choosing to do wrong and thus developing evil character. I believe in right and wrong and in good and evil, and that people choose to develop good or bad character, which was the prevalent world view until the last couple of generations when moral relativism became a more popular view with many people. You will come to understand your experience at the hands of the spath according to your personal philosophy. I also have a strong religious faith and doctrine, which I drew on to understand my ex P experience.
My ex P got away with a lot of evil stuff he did, and he got caught in a few things. I have an understanding of when and how he will ultimately be held accountable (that does NOT involve burning in hell for eternity!) that is in harmony with my spiritual understanding of life. You will come to understand your experience according to your world view. Your counselor’s advice to try to focus on yourself is sound. Spath’s tend to escape immediate justice of any kind and it is very difficult to come to terms with. But it is something that is for most survivors out of our control. The best ‘revenge’ is truly recovering and living a good life and not giving the spath a thought. They want to control us, to keep us miserable at their hands, and keep us thinking about them forever. Try to balance the time you spend grieving with spending time focusing on things that take your mind off him. It is very very difficult, because your ex has probably done a lot of things to keep you hooked on him. He probably used hypnosis and other mind control tactics to get you under his control. Because it works for him.
You are a good person; he is evil. Good is stronger than evil and you will recover and get free of him and move on to having a great life with good people. You did a good thing for yourself to get away from him.
How long were you with this evil person?
With respect to his accusations, that is what spaths do. They accuse their victims of everything and anything. It doesn’t matter what we do, they lie and accuse in order to keep us on the defensive and keep us spinning. There is NOTHING you could do or be that would make him stop accusing you of whatever he thinks will hurt you the most and make you take the blame for the evil unscrupulous things he decides to do. It’s confusing and frustrating. They often accuse people of doing things that they are doing. My ex P was clever and cunning, but uncreative and boring. My ex P eventually falsely accused me of pretty much the same outlandish stuff that he accused his first ex wife of doing. Sadly for me, some people believe him. I don’t blame them, as I was deceived by him at one time.