UPDATED FOR 2021. Just about all Lovefraud readers share the feeling of being shattered by the sociopath. You just can’t get your arms around the experience.
“How can someone who claims to love me be so cruel?”
“Do you mean he (she) never loved me? It was all a lie?”
“I never knew people like this existed!”
When you first begin to realize that you’ve been involved with someone who has a serious personality disorder, you may feel shattered by the sociopath, like you’ve lost your bearings in the world and you’re drifting.
You’ve had your heart broken before, but no previous relationship compared to this. Even if you’ve managed to get away from this toxic person, you feel lost. Your well-meaning friends and family are urging you to get over it, to put it behind you, but you can’t.
Why? Why is it so difficult to overcome the sociopathic experience?
I believe it’s because nobody talks about the fact that sociopaths live among us. It’s a giant, malevolent skeleton in humanity’s closet.
Society’s myths
All our lives, society bombards us with messages such as “everybody is basically the same,” “all men are created equal,” “we all just want to be loved,” and “there’s good in everyone.”
Read more: Explaining everyday sociopaths
We strive to follow the Golden Rule — “Treat others the way you want to be treated” — believing that if we’re good to people, they’ll be good to us in return.
As much as we would like these ideas to be universal, they are not. But no cultural institutions, such as schools, churches, or even women’s magazines, tells us that there are exceptions to all these truisms.
No one tells us that criminals and terrorists aren’t the only bad people in the world. No one tells us that our neighbors, co-workers, or fellow church members, who look just like us, may, in fact, be human predators.
So when we run into these human predators, we are totally unprepared.
The big contradiction
We don’t know about sociopaths — people who live their lives by exploiting others. Professionally, they may be diagnosed as antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic. The official estimates for the number of people who have these personality disorders average about 12% of the population.
For this segment of the population, all those feel-good messages we get from society simply don’t apply. These people are not the same as us. They do not just want to be loved. Deep down, there is no good inside.
World view
We all have a certain Weltanschauung, a word borrowed from German that means “world view.” We have ideas and beliefs about how the world works, the nature of things, and the nature of people.
After a lifetime of absorbing cultural messages such as “everyone deserves a chance” and “love can change everything,” these are the lenses through which we view the world. They are also the lenses through which we approach our relationships.
Then we are shattered by the sociopath.
Here’s why this betrayal is so devastating: It demolishes our world view. It contradicts everything we thought we knew and understood about the world and the people in it.
We learn, much to our horror, that our world view is not accurate. There is a certain percentage of the population — the sociopaths — for whom everything we thought we knew about humanity simply does not apply.
This is why we feel unhinged. Not only our heart is broken — our understanding of life is broken.
Wisdom
Along with emotional healing, therefore, recovery requires that we change our most fundamental beliefs.
Yes, for 88% of the population, everything we always thought remains true. But for the remaining 12%, we need to accept a new reality.
Sociopaths are totally different from the rest of us. They have no ability to love. They are motivated only by power and control.
Learn more: Start your recovery from emotional and psychological abuse
But now we know. We’ve know that although the majority of people are good and loving, some are not.
Having been shattered by the sociopath, we learned this lesson the hard way. Now we can approach the rest of our lives with the wisdom of a survivor.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on December 15, 2014.
Is Your Loved One Dysfunctional or a Sociopath?
Why so many women? Simply because he likes humiliating and harming as many people as he can, so he can feel power and control. It’s simple, but normal people like you and me can’t understand how they can be this way. You can be glad that being evil is an unfathomable mystery to you.
In today’s world, the paradigm of morality and good and evil are not taught as they were in past generations. We are taught that no one is really bad, that everyone really has good intentions deep down, that there are external reasons why people do bad things, that everything happens for a good reason. My personal view is that my spath experience fits in with a Biblical paradigm of good and evil, a spirit world of good and evil beings, and a good and loving God who has plans to rid the world of evil when the time is right. You will come to understand your experience in the context of your beliefs.
AnnettePK, you hit the ball out of the park in your replies above to Jenna23. I posted on another site that every victim/ survivor needs to copy, past and print your reply posts on this page, hang a copy in every room, etc. I just wanted to express my appreciation. Thank you
Dorothy,
I’m glad you found something of value in it. I learned so much from survivors farther along in their recovery. It took me a long time for me to believe it and for the reality of it all to sink in.
Thank you lots,
Annette
Actually Annette, I’ve already collected your various writings in SEVERAL different threads, and am planning to publish them shortly under my own name.
Thank you very much!!!
Tongue-in-cheek with laughter and love from N/C
NoContact,
LOL…But seriously you’ve made an interesting point, everything I contribute I learned from other survivors who shared here and elsewhere, and I’m just republishing under my name. Nothing original and nothing copyrighted. I hope you will pass the wisdom on. Wouldn’t it be great if there were no more victims, though.
Love ya too.
Yesterday my sociopathic psychopathic man in my life called and begged for forgiveness. He said I am the only person in his life he needs and wants. He broke it off with his girlfriend for good this time and he is so sorry he hurt me by saying all the mean things to me. He said he said them so I would get angry and hate him to make it easier because his ex was constantly calling and would not let him break away from her. He had check out along time ago with her but she always makes him feel bad and he always goes back but swears he will never go back to her again.
We talked for six hours yesterday on and off while he worked to convince me that he wants me and only me, that he cannot live without me . He listed all the reasons why he knows we should be together and they all sound like valid reasons. One problem is his track record and I lost count if this is two or three strikes. I am drawn into his charm, his foreign accent and when I am with him I want to be with no one else.
I am a widow and my husband who I was with for over 30 years began the same way as this man. When I compare the stories they are almost the same. With one exception! My husband was a money maker and super intelligent. This man is not stupid, however because he comes from another country and his English is not the best, he does not command jobs that pay well. So here I am in this dilemma. Is this man who I am so attracted to any different than my husband?
Was your husband a good man? The sociopath is likely to make you think he is similar in history, experience, or other traits to your late husband, if he thinks that it will manipulate you into desiring to be with him.
They are usually very charming.
Consider that he is playing a game and wasting your time saying things that he does not mean and does not necessarily intend to follow through with, because he wants to manipulate you into doing something he wants from you.
Old fashioned wisdom: One ‘strike’ could be a mistake, the second could be a misunderstanding, the third is a pattern of behavior that indicates who this person is and what his character really is.
Consider that the person you are attracted to is fake, it’s a false persona, and he does not really exist. The sociopath is someone entirely different, who does not have values, and does not care about your (or anyone else’s) well being. You probably are not attracted to who he really is.
Catnoch, please notice how all of his reasons and pleadings are all about him and what he wants. What about what you want and what is good for you? I bet your welfare is either excluded from his words, or certainly masked in such a way as to make you think he has your best interest at heart. He doesn’t. He is now alone, or so he says. And they cannot be alone. They must have a source (vulnerable people) or else they become bored. You are nothing more than his play toy. You are his current challenge. Once he draws you back into his life, he has won and the old behavior will quickly surface.
I say RUN and do not engage him anymore in conversations. If you can, I advise that you tell him you will not be taking his calls or communicating with him anymore. Then block his number, change your email, Facebook, or however else he communicates with you. If he mails you letters, throw them away, unread. This is how you go No Contact and it’s the only way to keep them out of your life. If you respond, even in anger or self defense, they win again because they have engaged you. This only encourages them to keep coming after you and wearing you down. It won’t feel natural to you to do these things. You are a nice person and you will feel you are being rude or hurting his feelings. He has no feelings for anyone other than himself, so you can’t hurt his feelings. He may put on like he’s hurt, but in reality he’s playing you and preying on your sympathies. It can take a long time to get over the guilt of going No Contact, but coming back to sites like this one can enable you and make you strong. Anyway, my two cents…..
Dear cat, this comes with Love from the Universal All.
You do not have a dilemma.
He has a dilemma.
You are now short an additional six hours of your own precious time. Cut your losses on that as well as all else you have had to sacrifice to this person. Then, promise yourself right now that NO MORE OF IT will occur, EVER!
You are intended to meet someone NEW and not marry a corpse. Please forgive me for putting it this way which I know is offensive!!! however although I am not a legal “window” my ex died while we were married. It’s just that their was no funeral and the kids continue to visit him, however the man I loved is DEAD ans so is yours, my dear.
Please see my outstretched hand, as it is one of Comfort and Safety ….. however, in the Sign Language of the hearing impaired, my hand also spells out: don’t fool yourself.
It isn’t fair. Life is not fair for anyone on the planet. It’s likely that, given his character, he got the material things he has by exploiting others, lying, cheating, stealing, too. He’s a very bad man.
It’s good you see clearly what an evil person he is and you understand that he harmed you very deeply. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope that your counselor understands about psychopaths (not all counselors get it); and that she can offer you some practical help. Have you considered your legal options about his act of rape against you? It may be better for you to do nothing, or maybe it could be helpful to press charges. It depends on many factors in your specific situation.
You will recover from the PTSD and live a full life, and have positive interactions with many good people. You will feel better.
Given the suffering and injustice in the world, where is God who is good and all powerful? is a question asked by many. I can only offer my paradigm, which is from the Bible. Satan is the god of this world (2 Corinthians 4:4); and Satan is a murderer and a liar (John 8:44). God is allowing Satan to influence people and cause suffering, until a future time when Satan will be restrained (Revelation 20).
God promises that He will not allow you to be tested beyond what you can survive (1 Cor 10:13). He wants you to have a good life (John 3:1-2). When I was in the midst of the worst of my ex Psychopath’s abuse, a wise minister suggested reading the Psalms. Turned out it helped me feel better. If you’re interested, check out Psalms 37 and 55.
Jenna, you did love a selfish lying monster who only values his own jollies. You lost a year and will need longer to recover. But you will. You said no, which is not in his vocabulary, instead of going along with something you did not want. Stay strong, our friend. You will get to a better place soon.
Dear Jenna, he took advantage of your niceness and kindness. His cheating is NOT a reflection on you. It doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty enough, or not interesting enough– his cheating is his problem. He is trying to fill some sick hole in his heart, and this has nothing to do with you. The hole in his heart happened before he ever met you. What does he get from playing many women at one time? (cause it’s playing them, not loving them) He gets instant gratification. It’s so common with men who cheat because they are trying to fill that sick hole in their heart. Your recovery will happen. After I broke up with my boyfriend, It took me months and months to get rid of that constant heart ache. Eventually the hurt began to subside. During that time I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from calling him. I made it through. I survived. You will survive this too. Just keep telling yourself to breathe slow and tell yourself that you will be ok.
I broke up with a boyfriend 4 1/2 years ago, broke up with him because he was abusive. He wrote me a letter and this letter came in the mail today. I have many rebuttals to his letter. I omitted the part where he described our best date(s) because the letter is five pages LONG!!! Anyway, I can’t believe he consider that a date? He came over on a Friday and we played on computer, and he left at 7:00 on a Friday night, and disappointed me again by ending the night early, AGAIN. And, now to hear that he looks back at that as our best date? If he thought that was a date, I suppose he also thinks our trips to grocery store with my car and gas were also a date. Anyway, I have many other rebuttals to his letter but it’s exhausting…
here it is:
Dear Jeannie,
The reasons for this letter is NOT to piss you off or to upset you or to start shit up again, so please read the whole letter. First I think it is best to say “WHY” for writing this letter: for the last few years I have done a lot of “Soul Searching” and have wrote or called Several People to tell them off (I AM NOT doing that Now) and get them out of my life. You might be surprised at Who I told to fuck off for the things that they did — Then it dawned on me that on the same hand “I” need to say Sorry to Some People and that I need to Say Sorry TO You! because I was an Asshole for making you sit at home wondering if or when I would Show Up, and, to say it was because I was stressed or depressed is a bullshit excuse because at the very least I should of called and told you I would be late or not coming at all, and for that I am Truely Very Sorry. I have NO Excuse except to Say
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that I was acting like an ASS.
You told me a few times that I would never find Someone Who Would love me as much as you had loved me, I think you was right. even though we had our ups and downs and at times you may of Pissed & Moaned about it, you was ALWAYS there for me even though I wasn’t for you and for that I am VERY Sorry.
AWhile back Someone had asked me “What was the most fun that I had on a date” He decribed to this person a couple of times he came over to my house.
(Patrice I’m cutting out some of the letter cause it’s just sooo long. He goes on to describe a time he came over and we played on computer, and he left early as usual left early on a Friday night, and he still thinks that was considered a “date”? so much for him being sorry..)
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Several times over the years I had thought about calling you but, I had figured you would just hang up and call the police so I never did. It would be nice to have you back in my life Some way Shape, or form, even if it is to just say “Hi” and to Shoot the Shit. I have thought about writing this letter for a long time, just was not sure how to word it. I was told that at the Brown bar’s Party, you left right away because you saw me. I want you to know that you need not worry, that I will NEVER try to Cut You down or humiliate you if we were to run into each other,
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even if you were to try to do that to me, I will not do it back, I do not Want to “Stir Shit Up” For the Shit I had done to you if you feel the need or want to tell me off, feel free to do so, as I will NOT do it back, I will listen to what you have to say and NOT retaliate in any Way, Shape or form. I will NEVER cut you down in PUblic again. Last year at D’s Party I was Surprised at the feelings & emotions it stirred up in me when I saw you, to tell you the truth, I wished We were able to at least Shoot the Shit that night. I do miss the long chats that we would have. I don’t think I have ever been with someone whom I could freely talk with and have a intellegent conversation with as we were able to, nor laugh as much as we did at times.
Would you like to go to a quiet place for lunch, coffee, or a few drinks–not a date, but just get together to Shoot the Shit?
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It would be my treat, we could meet or I could Pick you Up or even just talk on the phone, if you do not I can understand. in case you forgot my number is xxx-xxxx–if you want me to never talk to you, just call and tell me to Fuck Off and I will never contact you again except to Say Hi if we were to run into each other–
I Wish nothing But
The Best for you, Have
A Merry Christmas.
J
This is the same guy who ran to my neighbors across the street from me after I broke up with him in July 4, 2010. He took over my neighbor friends. I couldn’t go across the street to visit my neighbors, because he was always over there. I was hiding in my house, because I knew there would be trouble if he spotted me out in my yard, so I hid in my house for months. One day in December 2010, he was across the street AGAIN, I couldn’t out-wait him that day, because I had to take my son to doctor in afternoon. I needed firewood and had to step outside into my yard. I couldn’t wait until later to get firewood, because it’s dark by 4:00pm-ish in winter. The moment I stepped outside he spotted me. He started screaming at me from across the street. He wouldn’t stop. I finally yelled back and told him that if he doesn’t stop I will call police. He yelled back, Go ahead and call police and I’ll tell cops that you drink. and on and on he kept on screaming. I called the police. Cop came and said he can’t do anything unless I get a restraining order. I asked cop to go across the street to talk to my ex-boyfriend and tell him to leave me alone. I had to ask the cop to take his squad car with him because the squad car was parked behind my car blocking me in. I never should have told the cop I would file restraining order, because the cop went across the street and told my ex-boyfriend that I was on my way to court house to get a restraining order. So boyfriend raced up the highway and passed me on highway to beat me to the court house to file a restraining order on me. And, he ripped me apart at court, and he conned the judge. The judge was yelling at me, glaring me, and staring me down.
Now fast forward to today. My ex-boyfriend really seems to think that a half ass apology will erase all of this, and lets have coffee. He is psycho!!!!!!!
Jeannie, my heart is throbbing with PRIDE for you and hoping also that you feel it for yourself.
MAY EVERYONE WHO THINKS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET PAST THIS EXPERIENCE ANALYZE JEANNIE812’s POSTS!!! THIS GUY HAS BEEN BUSTED FOR A LONG TIME AND IS BACK AGAIN……SHE IS NOT “FEELING THE SAME” AS BEFORE, LOL.
Congratulations and Kudos to you, Jeannie812!! N/C
Now Jenna, imagine that I have asked them of YOU instead.
Now imagine that my name is Nancy. I call you on the phone crying, right? and finally you can make out in between my sobs, what I’m saying.
I manage to garble out to your understanding: Jenna why in the world is this person treating me this way?!
What do you say to me?
Jenna, you are going to say the following:
Nancy this is not your fault. Dry your eyes and get yourself together, I will pick you up in an hour and we will go out and have fun. The guy is doing this to you BECAUSE HE CAN and he is a JERK.
Call him a psycho, call him an a**h****, call him whatever you want, Nancy! And give him whatever “reasons” that you need to give to “explain” why he is such a nasty person and especially so to women. The answer will stay be the same: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT so DO ALL YOU CAN TO GET OVER HIM. The REST of your life does not deserve to HURT like this.
And Jenna, if I have read you wrong and you would say something ELSE to me, like Nancy you have bad breath, you are fat and ugly, you need a nose and boob job to keep up with those other women AND you need to fake it better in bed…..? …. then please feel free to correct me on this post. Otherwise, I think that EVERYBODY knows why the guy is a jerk: because he is a JERK PERIOD. And that has absolutely NOTHING to do with you! and will not HURT you anymore, either!! UNLESS YOU LET IT which you shouldn’t because YOU are not a jerk personally, you are a nice person who would give your good friend Nancy the same advice, and so it’s hoped you will recognize it in yourself, and GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.
Cuz Nancy says so, ha ha. 🙂
LOVE to you Jenna, from Nancy! and THANK YOU for being such a wise and loving good friend to everybody out there reading these words and NEEDING to know he’s a Jerk and that they did not CAUSE this to occur, rather they are on the RECEIVING END of a BAD GUY and that is all our grandmothers would have called these men: BAD GUYS. Grandma didn’t call them Narcissists or Psychos in other words…..just GOOD GUYS and BAD GUYS and hope we knew the difference or that we would SURVIVE learning it the hard way…..like Jenna and Nancy, for instance. 🙂
We understand because we were abused and betrayed in the same way you were. It’s that awful and than unbelievable.
You did not love the monster he is. You loved the fictional character he pretended to be. He knows right from wrong and he knows what a real and loving man is, so he faked it to exploit you.
Do you think you might be grieving a loss from your past, along with the loss and betrayal of the ex Psychopath? Is there a loss that you experienced that you never had a chance to grieve for and work through? Maybe you were too young to understand that you were experiencing a loss? This happens sometimes, and it’s that much more painful to feel the pain of another loss that’s been buried for a long time.
That’s a lot of sadness and grief. I am so sorry. When you were a child you were abused? Children are so vulnerable and innocent. So sad when a child suffers. It’s likely you didn’t understand you were being harmed, and why you felt the way you did. Your father should be the protector and the provider, not the perpetrator of harm. That is extreme betrayal of his family and children.
You are at a low point in your life; but perhaps it is a turning point, and things will turn around and get better from here. Doesn’t make your present suffering all that much easier, though, does it?
Keep taking care of yourself. You will feel better. There are good folks in the world who deserve and appreciate what you have to offer.
He probably wouldn’t care if someone lied to him or cheated on him the way normal people care. It’s all about power and control and games and winning to him.
Annette, your posts are always right on and this last one of yours was no exception. In fact it INSPIRES them to be competed against, they ADORE that feeling of Participation at something they can understand: hostility and aggression. If they can get you to in some manner engage with them, you are Toast. The reason for this is the same as when any attacker comes at you: he knows he is going to attack you while you know you need to go to the bathroom to pee and that’s all. Duh. The notion you will never pee without a gun on your lap is even MORE inspiring to someone who’s trying to get you to warp your whole life around him. You are better off trying to “manipulate your way through” until you can ESCAPE, I am sorry to say, by pretending you haven’t yet noticed he’s totally Bizarre and Emotionally Disordered, until you have an escape plan in place and some allies for support. If you look, they will be everywhere! and the exact same people you THOUGHT didn’t “understand” him, from former supervisors to landlords to ex partners and parents, they’ll be there and not surprised to hear from you, either, is my guess.
Annette, please let me take this moment to reply in regard to something you said earlier about my ex’s having told me about how cold and nasty his adopted parents were. I personally observed this family dynamic and it is true that his father attempted to control him via access to his wallet and particularly when the issue of Higher Education came up at the expected age. However, doesn’t every parent get to control where the kid goes to college if the parent is footing the bill? OF COURSE, and if Dear Daughter wants to go to Beauty School as opposed to the expensive college that Dad has in mind at his own expense, I SUPPORT THE DECISION to make Daughter pay for that cut-rate “schooling” as opposed to the one offered by Dad. In this and IN MANY OTHER WAYS I feel manipulated into being CRUEL to my now-deceased father-in-law in particular, and may this post bear Witness to my shame and disgust at myself for believing ANYTHING that came out of my ex’s mouth beyond Hello. So here is a virtual message to my deceased father-in-law of 30 years.
Dad, I am so sorry and I THANK YOU for your many gifts. Here at Christmas and every day since you passed away…..I would do ANYTHING to speak with you, just once more. Please know that in 30 years I did love you and that you were not only my father in LAW but my father all that time. BLESS YOU for your protection and the many things you shared with me, and PLEASE FORGIVE ME for my STUBBORN RESPONSES to what you tried to WARN ME ABOUT!! Which you MUST have known was AHEAD FOR ME AND THE GIRLS but could not prevent. To the extent I could save your Fortune and your Granddaughters, I swear I have done my best at this FOR YOU. Annette is RIGHT, you undoubtedly gave this person the very same things that I did…which is to say, he sucked you dry and left you so empty it was hard to breathe. Bless also your last partner Barbara, who loved you while your “family” disparaged your memory even before you died. It’s hard to imagine on some days that I can even hold my head upright at all! in my SHAME for the way I allowed him to treat you, and also treated you MYSELF. For that I have no excuse nor is this post intended to inspire one on my behalf. IT WAS MY FAULT AND I WILL BE SORRY FOREVER!! I should have dumped him and come to take care of you, that is what the kids wanted to do (all except the dumping of him, which would have been required). In every home we had, I made mental “room” for you but you knew, he’d never let you live with us — you were his Target until you passed away — and then it was just Me and Them left, for him to predate. xoxox in Understanding that Came Too Late for Us..please wait for me so I can pay you BACK, KA you know what I mean.
Let no readers find themselves in this position, please! if you have been manipulated and had your OWN reputation smeared…….what have you BELIEVED?!! It’s as rotten as the smear on your own name and history, as Fake as the person Itself. Please don’t be TOO LATE in your own lives, instead let this be my collective Holiday Gift to All: HONESTY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
No Contact,
Thank you for sharing your experience, and your sadness and sense of loss at how your ex spath kept you separated from your father in law and created animosity that wasn’t really there. What you wrote really emphasized to me how many family, friends, and acquaintances my ex P turned me against and kept me apart from. I believed all the negative things he told me about so many others. I am aware that many others believe all the rotten things he told them about me. I am still waking up to the fact that things he told me about others are not true. He tried to keep us all apart, and to make me believe that others are against me in one way or another, and make others believe I am against them, dislike them, whatever he could think of. He basically smeared everyone to everyone else. It makes me feel a little free from the black cloud of the smear campaign; and feel there’s hope that we’ll all be ‘friends’ again.
I am seeing more clearly now how my ex P discredited to me everyone who would have warned me about him, just as he discredits me now to his new targets.
Jenna23,
He should be in jail for assault. He is dangerous physically as well as emotionally. You might consider getting some specific advice from a women’s shelter, or other good source, on how to keep yourself physically safe. You might get something out of this free risk assessment if you haven’t already done it. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/