UPDATED FOR 2021. Just about all Lovefraud readers share the feeling of being shattered by the sociopath. You just can’t get your arms around the experience.
“How can someone who claims to love me be so cruel?”
“Do you mean he (she) never loved me? It was all a lie?”
“I never knew people like this existed!”
When you first begin to realize that you’ve been involved with someone who has a serious personality disorder, you may feel shattered by the sociopath, like you’ve lost your bearings in the world and you’re drifting.
You’ve had your heart broken before, but no previous relationship compared to this. Even if you’ve managed to get away from this toxic person, you feel lost. Your well-meaning friends and family are urging you to get over it, to put it behind you, but you can’t.
Why? Why is it so difficult to overcome the sociopathic experience?
I believe it’s because nobody talks about the fact that sociopaths live among us. It’s a giant, malevolent skeleton in humanity’s closet.
Society’s myths
All our lives, society bombards us with messages such as “everybody is basically the same,” “all men are created equal,” “we all just want to be loved,” and “there’s good in everyone.”
Read more: Explaining everyday sociopaths
We strive to follow the Golden Rule — “Treat others the way you want to be treated” — believing that if we’re good to people, they’ll be good to us in return.
As much as we would like these ideas to be universal, they are not. But no cultural institutions, such as schools, churches, or even women’s magazines, tells us that there are exceptions to all these truisms.
No one tells us that criminals and terrorists aren’t the only bad people in the world. No one tells us that our neighbors, co-workers, or fellow church members, who look just like us, may, in fact, be human predators.
So when we run into these human predators, we are totally unprepared.
The big contradiction
We don’t know about sociopaths — people who live their lives by exploiting others. Professionally, they may be diagnosed as antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic. The official estimates for the number of people who have these personality disorders average about 12% of the population.
For this segment of the population, all those feel-good messages we get from society simply don’t apply. These people are not the same as us. They do not just want to be loved. Deep down, there is no good inside.
World view
We all have a certain Weltanschauung, a word borrowed from German that means “world view.” We have ideas and beliefs about how the world works, the nature of things, and the nature of people.
After a lifetime of absorbing cultural messages such as “everyone deserves a chance” and “love can change everything,” these are the lenses through which we view the world. They are also the lenses through which we approach our relationships.
Then we are shattered by the sociopath.
Here’s why this betrayal is so devastating: It demolishes our world view. It contradicts everything we thought we knew and understood about the world and the people in it.
We learn, much to our horror, that our world view is not accurate. There is a certain percentage of the population — the sociopaths — for whom everything we thought we knew about humanity simply does not apply.
This is why we feel unhinged. Not only our heart is broken — our understanding of life is broken.
Wisdom
Along with emotional healing, therefore, recovery requires that we change our most fundamental beliefs.
Yes, for 88% of the population, everything we always thought remains true. But for the remaining 12%, we need to accept a new reality.
Sociopaths are totally different from the rest of us. They have no ability to love. They are motivated only by power and control.
Learn more: Start your recovery from emotional and psychological abuse
But now we know. We’ve know that although the majority of people are good and loving, some are not.
Having been shattered by the sociopath, we learned this lesson the hard way. Now we can approach the rest of our lives with the wisdom of a survivor.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on December 15, 2014.
Is Your Loved One Dysfunctional or a Sociopath?
Jenna23, first let me say I’m sorry that you have had to lose your innocence in such an abusive way. You are grappling with some of the biggest, most troubling, but equally important questions that people will ever ask themselves in a lifetime. There are answers and you will find them if you are willing to persevere as if you were searching for gold. It won’t be easy because as you and probably everyone else here have found out the hard way – there are counterfeits out there.
I’d like to share a couple of things which I hope will help you. I started poking around on the Internet around 2009, or 10. I knew something was way off and I was not getting any help in the place I had always believed I would find love, truth, and support. I was new to computers and Internet and I think I searched No Empathy or something similar. As info came up, either my preconceived ideas or the lack of clear information or probably both made me immediately dismiss sociopath, but what is this Narcicissm !?! The more I read, the more it made sense. Eventually an online article referencing Dr Martha Stout’s The Sociopath Next Door helped connect narcissism and sociopaths. I devoured that book and my eyes were opened. I found Lovefraud right after that and I’m so grateful to Donna for the education I have gotten here. When I was just beginning to really understand the scope of what was happening that I had been blind to for my entire life, I was shell shocked. Of course I was already suffering from ptsd and my depression was really bad not as much from the small group of sociopaths who had to destroy me to evade accountability, but more from being systematically invalidated by others in my culture. Jenna I was in a bad place. I almost didn’t make it. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. I think part of what you are experiencing is that your new awareness, your awakening to the reality of evil is still in its early stages. I bet your subconscious is on hyperdrive trying to make sense of all this garbage, trying to reframe things in a new to you context. Exploitation and evil were not subjects most of us here used to delve into. Please be patient with yourself. The fact that you are repulsed by evil at your very core makes you ok with me, gives me hope that there are still some decent folks around. Now this may sound strange at first, but think about it. What you said about the visit to the store, some would describe as hyper vigilant. Whatever you call it, instead of worrying about every guy you come across, try to remember that the world hasn’t changed but your perceptions have. Right now the last thing you need to think about is a romantic relationship, right ? So since that’s off the table for now that takes a little of that worry away. You are smarter and wiser now so you are actually more safe than before. Depriving yourself of human kindness will take its toll on you.
Do you have a counselor who understands psychopath abuse as well as PTSD?
I learned so much from Sandra Brown’s site. Consider using the healing the aftermath relaxation tape. It’s not free, but it is the best $25 I ever spent. I bought some other products from other sources, and this worked best for me to start feeling better hat day. EFT also worked for me, I learned it from a YouTube tutorial somewhere.
Like physical trauma you can recover from PTSD if you treat it. Consider that it’s similar to having broken bones; it just can’t be seen in the same way.
Good morning Jenna,
Your questions are logical and you want answers that make sense. The confusion that the spaths’ behavior makes us feel is called crazy making, and that is exactly what it is doing to you. I felt that way intensely at one time. Wisdom I learned from others is that no one has really found a satisfactory resolution to the why of spaths’ existence, behavior and their ability to get away with it. The only solution seems to be to accept the reality and trust the Higher Power with it, because it is truly beyond our mortal ability to deal with.
The questions you haven’t really been answered satisfactorily yet in the history of mankind. You will probably find answers that work for you, but it will probably take time. Are you keeping a journal? I found that writing out my thoughts, questions, and what the ex did, helped me keep the thoughts and information somewhere besides my mind, and so gave brain a chance to rest.
I prayed for answers and my prayers were for the most part answered. Maybe it would help you, if you pray. There are many biblical examples of people asking God for understanding of various issues. The answers that helped me are part of my theology, as the spath experience is largely about evil vs. good.
As far as understanding the spath’s motivation, consider whether it’s really important to you, or whether you’re feeling the effects of the spath’s desire to keep you thinking about him forever. You now know that you are not close to the spath, and that he is not who he said he is. Maybe knowing what he does and the superficial why he does it gives you enough resources to avoid being hooked and exploited by him again. Maybe it is a good thing that we cannot understand them.
Consider writing down your question, giving them to the God, and try to have peace while waiting for answers.
Aw honey, hang in there, and don’t forget the Age Old Remedy of NOT trying to stop ruminating. Instead take out a potato and carve his initials in, carve his features in, or even better carve a you-know-what and as you said earlier, play Lorena with it. Only — don’t call for help like she did! ha ha.
I am not a country fan usually, but sure loved … and you will too! this lyric:
“I dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat.
Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires!
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.”
Jenna23, I am sorry that you are struggling so much hon, I am so glad that you feel comfortable enough to talk openly here on LF it really does help to vent and to get much needed support.
One area that most victims of abuse do not look into is adrenal fatigue. I often post about it because it is the missing link to healing your body & mind from the abuse. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol and adrenaline levels (fight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones including all the “female” hormones. Under continual stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands burn out and wreak havoc on the persons mind….
some symptoms include anxiety, depression, panic attacks, mood swings, sleep issues, weight loss or gain, etc etc it’s a very long list.
According to Dr Wilson adrenal expert the biggest issue with PTSD is adrenal fatigue which needs to be healed to fully heal the persons PTSD. Look at his site adrenalfatigue. org take his quiz to see how your adrenal glands are functioning/see symptoms list/read, Drlam. com see his symptoms list and Mialundin. com see her book (must read) and her you tube videos on cortisol/hormone/sleep issues.
There is help for you so please look at these websites you will be shocked that once you get your adrenal glands working again or in that direction how well you physically feel but most important mentally feel.
To heal your adrenal glands you needs a good clean diet such as Dr Fuhrman’s Eat to live book (google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” to watch his video) his methods seriously work wonders and quickly, also you need adrenal vitamins my doctor gave me dr wilson’s and within days my anxiety was half, plus my doctor after testing my hormone levels gave me progesterone pills. You also need plenty of rest & recover and sleep (this is hard if you have adrenal fatigue)
Find a good hormonal doctor by googling “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors and/or see adrenalfatigue. org for a doctors list and/or ask friends for a recommendation.
I promise you this is the missing link and in no time you will feel so much better emotionally, mentally and physically.
Take care.
Jenna23 I wanted to add that you are also experiencing the stages of grieving. Google “grieving stages” so you understand what you are experiencing on this matter. Dont stuff your feelings down keep coming here to vent as it helps tremendously to clear your mind from the suffering you have experienced.
You’re right, you’re not likely to enjoy life at this point considering what you have to deal with. Consider if you have some control over the degree of your suffering, though. One of the most helpful things a dear male friend said to me when I was feeling down was “Oh, you don’t really have problems, people in Iraq have problems..” He said this in a loving and kind of jesting way, but I appreciated the point. I recognized that there are a lot of people in the world a lot worse off than I; and I imagined what it would be like for me to deal with my problems if I lived somewhere else in the world besides the US or the West.
Maybe this won’t work for you, but making a list of the blessings I have and recognizing that these blessings are not entitlements and that I could just as easily be without, helps lift my mood. My health could be worse, I’m grateful for my friends, my work, the little bit of financial security I have (not much by some people’s standards), the health of my family members, a home with running water and heat, etc.
Also doing things for others, just noticing others’ needs and wants and helping lift their spirits; I began with the people I am in contact with every day. You mentioned your family is concerned about you; maybe that is motivation to give them the gift of your pleasant company even if you don’t feel like it, for their sake.
Recovery is a balance between grieving and moving forward even when we don’t feel like it. If you are living the right balance, try not to be impatient with the process. It’s realistic to expect to grieve. When my husband died, no one expected me to be bubbly cheerful and ecstatic about anything for awhile.
You mentioned anti depressants. Be aware that they can make you feel more depressed and even cause suicidal thoughts, if whatever you are taking is adverse to your system.
Sounds like you are thinking clearly, and getting clarity on what he is about. You probably made a good decision to stay home and rest this year instead of going out. Now that you’re free of him, you might decide to do some activities that you really want to do. Most of us had little time to do anything but be victimized by the spaths when we were interacting in the fake relationships; it was a full time job for me and my ex P made sure I got nothing of value done most of the time I was in the fake ‘marriage’ with him.
I feel like such the hypocrite Jenna, encouraging you on the Justice issue when for me it’s The Insanity Trigger too.
me too. 🙂
Jenna, try my mom’s sudden-nausea-attack remedy: Breathe in and out with your tummy, take in a LOT OF AIR.
It will be okay, this is not your fault! you cannot help what your brain is doing.
It’s hoped adjustment is ahead and soon, meanwhile don’t berate yourself, as that is no different than being angry that your broken leg still hurts. ?? It is not as though the damned thing is going to get better if you yell at it, it is broken and just lying there in the cast healing, and SO IS YOUR BRAIN.
It HURTS to have this happen! and it HURTS when the body “feels it out” to see what’s broken, and it HURTS when the body sends Help to repair it too.
AND THAT IS WHY IT IS WRONG FOR PEOPLE TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS, TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME. It should be a total crime and that is how I am thinking just now.
Thanks for sharing this. I understand what you’re experiencing. I am three years out, and even now when I hear this kind of stuff from/about my ex Psychopath, it triggers a relapse that takes about 3 days to get out of bed and the rest of the week to recover. For the first year my PTSD was triggered just seeing someone who looked like him or a member of his family.
It’s barely worth mentioning what a complete psychopathic jerk your ex spath is – he must look like an evil creep to anyone listening to the over the top evil BS he is spouting to people in public. What a complete mess he is showing himself to be, by going around bad mouthing you. (An early red flag I noted with my ex P was how he bad mouthed his first ex wife to me. I asked him not to, he agreed to refrain and went on bad mouthing her anyhow. Sadly I was too busy suffocating from his love bombing that I didn’t consider this red flag seriously.)
It will help you that you are aware of how this second hand contact is affecting you, and how bad it is for you.
You’ve got your hands full dealing with the PTSD right now. When you recover from the worst of this episode, you might consider things you can do to protect yourself from future contacts and setbacks. I have read of victims asking their friends and family to refrain from mentioning the spath to them, if it’s not necessary to have information. My ex P’s first ex wife moved across the country and pretty much got all new friends. My ex spath turned 2 of her children against her, tried to turn the other 2 but was unsuccessful.
It looks like your ex spath is embarking on a smear campaign against you. It can be really painful and difficult to deal with it; we get reinjured again and again.
In this situation your son’s girlfriend knows the truth so she’s not buying his BS. Depending on the town you live in and how your ex spath ‘socializes,’ he may deceive people into believing lies about you and they may come to you about it. I think it helps to be prepared. I was blindsided when I got attacked with BS from people manipulated by my ex P’s smear campaign. This is still happening to me 3 years later and it’s been very painful, frustrating and infuriating, and a real lesson in my spiritual growth and in what’s really important in life.
I have read that a good reply to people coming to a victim with questions or info from the ex psychopath’s smear campaign is to say something like, “I’m not surprised he would say (whatever BS he said); he was always lying about me. I ended our relationship because he cheated on me, and I’ve moved on,” and then change the subject to something else. This works better than the victim trying to defend herself and trying to explain the truth about the spath. It rarely works with acquaintances and usually makes the victim seem unstable and crazy.
You are working hard and doing a lot of good things for your recovery. You are getting clarity about him and what he did. You have had other experiences that harmed you, emotionally and physically. I am so sorry that your adult son assaulted you. Too sad for words. You have things to grieve. I think that you have good things in your life and in yourself; and you will recover. The best years of your life may be those ahead.