Lovefraud received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Ironically, a sociopath’s previous weak relationship with a child gives the sociopath great power over that child–I’ll love you now if . . .
This is golden. Thank you for this post.
We all need reminders…it helps us to keep on NO contacting…
All people, including spaths, treat other people consistently, because the way we treat others is based on our values and beliefs, which do not change.
Spaths often seem to treat people differently – some better than others. When a spath treats someone well, it is not because they value others nor do they have a commitment to be nice to people. Spaths treat people in whatever way they think will get them whatever they want from a target. All other people are potential targets to a spath. They do not have relationships; they do not bond. If a spath thinks being ‘nice’ will get what he wants, he’ll be ‘nice.’ But his ‘nice’ behavior has no meaning because he will change to acting mean in a heartbeat if he thinks that will work better for him. All their behavior is manipulation and their ’emotions’ are fake. This is whay they can change so quickly from one (faked) emotion to another and from treating someone nice to mean.
However your ex is treating his new target, it has no meaning. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t bond. If he was capable of caring about the well being of another person and if he bonded with other people, he would have cared about and bonded with you and your son. The only difference between you a his current target is that she is probably still deceived by him; and you see through his mask.
I truly need this reinforced. I understand it intellectually but my emotions keep me questioning. Is it my ego that wonders why I didn’t see it or how could he? Why do I keep needing to know and questioning?
Thanks for all you do.
I will tell you what my therapist told me when I asked why I didn’t see it – she said – you didn’t see it because he didn’t want you to see it. That says it all, and it released me. You keep needing to know because you are normal and you have a normal heart and brain! You were sincere, he was nothing but a con man. It’s rough, but you will get there.
Not sure if you know the story of Christy Brinkley (former Super US model). She married a man & they had two children. She discovered he was cheating with someone he employed, a very young girl (cant remember her age 17 or 18??). Christy also discovered that he had a porn addiction & was spending thousands of dollars every month on this porn addiction.
She filed for divorce (which was a nightmare).
He quickly remarried a young wife (30’s ??) and then manipulated his new wife to literally bash Christy in the press & on her social media knowing the press would pick up on the story. Christy even warned the new wife that if she ever need to “talk”, she would always be there for her no matter what. Christy never bashed the new wife.
Fast forward, the new wife learns she too was being cheated on. Eventually the new wife did reach out to Christy who informed her that she was married to a man with narcissist personality disorder. She divorced her husband. Later the new ex wife went to the press to publicly apologies to Christy for belittling her in the press at her ex husbands request.
I think we all go thru this phase of healing that you are going thru. I remember after leaving my ex h after finding out he was cheating with 3 women in two different states. (Maybe 5 women not sure about 2) and looking at his social media to see if he was “happy with his mistress”. I told myself then & there that I knew what he was up to with who ever he was with = cheating, lying, manipulation, abusing, drinking etc. That was the last time I ever looked at his social media.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING TO HER = ABUSING HER!!
You know that she is NOT happy. Why?
How do I know this? because you were never truly happy while being with him. She is suffering the same fate as you did everyday!!! She is trying to understand the chaos & drama he is creating. Just like you did. She is trying to understand why one minute he seems to adore her and the next he is very distant and aloof. Just like he was with you. She is trying to make sense of all his odd behavior. Just like you did.
He loved bombed her into a relationship and she will be soon discarded just like you. Lets hope she will escape sooner then later like you did. Be proud of yourself for crawling out of the hell he created!! You were strong to do this! This was the only option for you to have a normal healthy life…and soon this new target will crawl out of hell. Feel bad for her. But thank your lucky stars that she replaced you so that you could have your freedom & peace!!
From the Daily mail:
“When Suzanne Shaw married Peter Cook on the back of his tumultuous divorce with supermodel Christie Brinkley, she chose to ignore the warnings.
But in a complete reversal, Shaw has now written to Brinkley to personally apologize for not heeding her cautions about Cook’s philandering.
Cook’s marriage Brinkley collapsed in a very bitter and public divorce trial in 2008 following revelations he had an affair with his 18-year-old assistant Diana Bianchi.
According to the New York Post, the Suzanne Shaw letter stated: ‘Christie and I have talked recently and I have privately apologized to her, but, given the public nature of their divorce and custody battle, I feel a public apology is also appropriate and deserved.
She added: ‘Christie was wrongly vilified as being an embittered ex-wife.
‘I’m deeply sorry for my part in causing Christie any unnecessary pain.’
The exposure of the affair between Cook and Bianchi ended his ten year marriage to supermodel Brinkley in very public divorce proceedings in 2008.
During the 2008 divorce, the court was told that Cook had paid Bianchi $300,000 in the hope she would keep the liaison quiet.”
I was wife #3. OF COURSE, I was deluded and thought I would be the exception, the soulmate, the one he would never cheat on and would settle down with for the “happily ever after.” NO! The first time I caught him (and I know there had to have been other incidents), we separated for almost 2 years. Stupidly, I went back to him after *I* went through counseling (he refused). He still had a lot to gain from being with me, mainly my connections in our field of work. He was a skilled actor. He died a few years ago, and what I discovered a few weeks before his death and for months afterwards–devastating. These people do not change.
mine re-married to a former HS friend, it lasted a short time (they lived together longer than being married). I think she knew the ropes from several previous marriages of her own, to put up with him very long. He soon re-married another..this one he met (like #2) online from a dating service. She took early retirement from her manager job, with a generous payout to retire early. Im sure all this extra money attracted him to her. I was told (only once) that he used HER payout money to buy THEM a house in Arizona; so Im sure he’s helped himself to anything else she brought into the marriage. They’re still together, they ‘snowbird’ in Arizona in the winter. He hasnt changed, but I know he will put our sons onto being nosy for MY inheritance, when my mom passes away. Im prepared for this.
This is such a great post because this fear is one that is hard to deal with when we are so vulnerable and full of doubts. My ex abandoned me after 7 years together (I’ve written a lot about the details here) and shortly after I found out about all his “dating” during our supposedly exclusive relationship. All the women were 15-20 years younger than he was. Within months after the abandonment, pictures of him with a new woman started showing up on social media, many of them in the same places he took me. Less than a year later, a google search for him (looking for info in the press about his antics) turned up a wedding registry for the two of them and shortly after, they were married – she is his age, 60ish. Their wedding pictures are lovely and she looks thrilled. I imagine that she felt like she hit the jackpot with him and initially, it was hard on me. But I know that his first wife had an experience similar to mine and a leopard does not change his spots. I would have had those lovely wedding photos if I had agreed to marry him, and my life would have ended up in the same horrible place, maybe worse. I have no doubt he told her what a crazy loon I was (as he told me about his previous wife) and rushed her to the altar because he had to make a show that the end of our relationship was because of me, not because there was anything wrong with him or how he handled our relationship. She seems to have a responsible job, probably owned some property and in the meantime, his house has been extensively remodeled and I’m sure she footed a lot (if not all) the bill, if he is true to form. She would believe it was for the two of them, their future together. Why wouldn’t she? I did, and it almost destroyed me. He would get what he needed from her – the facade of normalcy, the cash infusion to do some things he wanted to do, the thrill of duping a new innocent person, and by now, he’s dropped the mask and she sees what she’s with, if they are even still together. I hope for her sake she got out sooner than I did.
I was so relieved to see this post. It has been 3 years since I last heard from my ex (we were never married) and he let me know that he had married and was really happy. He lives in Las Vegas with her. I don’t wish ill-will on anyone, but my head keeps telling me that he left me because of ‘me’. I’ve never recovered from the breakup as he was significantly younger than I. The worst of it was my therapist, who was also seeing him at the same time as I, knew that he was a pathological liar and never told me. But, this reinforcement of the article helps me. Thank you.
No, the sociopath will never treat anyone better. It may “appear” that way when he is in the love bombing stage. But there will inevitably be a “discard” phase, as well. He may even come back and start love bombing you again. It’s normal to have the fear that he is treating someone else better, that he “loves” her more, or that she is somehow more desirable. If you are thinking this way, it is because you haven’t quite grasped the sociopathic behavior pattern. Sometimes it takes time to see the patterns. Sociopaths are one-dimensional beings. They are not capable of really seeing and appreciating you (and hence, loving you) for who you are. They are focused on lust or the excitement of newness, power, or the fun of the game. Just because he is now lusting after someone else doesn’t reflect at all on your worth, nor should it ever. It was his limitation, not yours.
I guess I am one step further in this process because I know my ex will be the same in his new marriage and treat his wife the same. And in fact that is already confirmed as I heard that she knows he cheats but she accepts it because he makes a lot of money. So my struggle is questioning whether I would have been better off just accepting his cheating and staying in the marriage and focusing on his (fake) good sides. It seems to work fine for her.