Ev
ery week, a chapter of my book,”Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, use the links at the bottom of the post.
I’ve also just released a new ebook titled Narcissists, SOCIOPATHS & Wolves: Lessons From Little Red Riding Hood. (Just click here to find it on Amazon.com Narcissists SOCIOPATHS & Wolves.)
Chapter 57A: No Fairy Tale Ending–Yet
I do not want to disappoint, but there is no fairy tale ending, not yet anyway. That is why my story and similar cautionary tales are so important and why it is critical not to dismiss me as inherently weak, naive or “not like you.” My story could be your story or the story of someone you love. Don’t let it be. There is no easy fix once your life has been entwined with evil, especially when children are involved. Children give sociopaths a conduit of contact and control over the other parent, one that is often codified in law and supported by the courts. Although hard to believe until you live it, too many family courts view children as mere possessions that must be divided evenly between parents. When one parent is a sociopath, the resulting custody arrangement can be caustic for both the children and the nonsociopathic parent.
Even when we hear about horrible custody battles and situations, it does not register that such a situation may be lurking in our future. Maybe part of the reason we do not worry is that we believe what we have been told: “There are always two sides to every story,” “It takes two to tango,” “Both sides share the blame.” If that is true, and if we are reasonable people, then we will never be in a situation like this because of our inherent fairness and sensibleness. Nice story, but it is not true—not if the other person involved is a sociopath.
You will be accused of fueling the fire and told that you should just compromise, but agreeing to compromise when you have already compromised repeatedly is just agreeing to be exploited (especially when the other party refuses to compromise at all), and agreeing to be exploited only encourages more exploitation from the sociopath—no thanks! Not anymore, I’ve had enough! The reason sensible, responsible actions fuel the fire is because the sociopath keeps resetting it.
I get it now. I have made my peace with the effect Paul had (and has) on my life. I do not get a do over. Instead, I have inched forward one small step at a time. Working with a wonderful therapist who understands abusive relationships has helped immensely, as has keeping my focus on Daniel and fighting for him as a mother bear fights for her cub. Equally important is that a new spark was ignited in that tin of dying embers that was my battered soul. I have found new purpose by understanding what happened to me and why and then sharing my story to make sure it does not happen to you or someone you love.
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Notes
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
My sociopathic husband and isolation in my marriage
Ona, Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me immensley. Hugs to you.
This is true.
Help please! I’ve been divorced from a sociopath for since my children were 1 and 3 and one my sisters has confirmed my suspicions that she is a fling monkey who has been coming between my children and me for 17 years. Though her contact with my children and me has been limited to family gatherings about 6-7 times/year, she has managed to help my ex husband alienate my kids from me who are now teens. She has not ever discussed her relationship with my ex or asked anything about what happened and is blindly following him which I believe gives credibility to my kids that their father’s lies are true. He has repeatedly sat my kids down to tell them how everyone in my family is bad with the exception of her. She has now disowned our family and instead announced that his family is her family! WTF? Didn’t see that coming. The remaining family members support me. I fear my daughter is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and she is no longer getting help because she has moved in with her father. What can I do? I don’t have the opportunity to talk with my daughter and she is certainly not at a place to hear about the truth. I figured out that her father is a sociopath after she moved out so I didn’t teach my kids coping strategies and simply thought that by being a good parent they would be protected and would simply see through him since they complained of negative behavior he engaged in which is why this is all the more shocking. I understand the no contact rule and can employ that with my sister since she appears to be a lost cause – an adult who didn’t even have the decency to ask me anything over the years and simply blindly engaged in her flying monkey role and I obviously want the loving relationship I had with my children restored. I have limited contact with my older child, but I don’t think he’s ready for the truth either. I’m told I need to wait till they ask me as opposed to me providing information. But I have urgency as I worry about my daughter’s mental stability. Her father is suing me for custody and child support. I’ve been advised to just let her go. She can’t see that she is being used. Don’t know how kids leave the healthy parent. Although beginning to learn about boundaries and heal myself, I just want my kids back. Advice? They don’t see that suing their parent is abnormal!
s3s1 Sorry to hear this. You would probably get more response if you posted on the forum.
I cannot figure out how to post???? Please help. A very wealthy, charming, thoughtful, listening man pursued me. He said he was divorced. I dated him for almost a year and found out he is married. It is sooooooo hard to believe. He seemed like nicest man I had ever met!!!!! He still won’t admit it. I refuse to see him. He blew up my phone for 2 months after. Now he had stopped, and as sick as it sounds, I miss him terribly and I feel emotionally violated. I want to believe the lie he is still telling me that he is not married. I don’t know what is happening to me!!!!
S3S1, How heartbreaking, stressful and sad. Your sister’s behavior is difficult to understand. Could there be a motive behind it that isn’t yet clear? Is your ex manipulating her in some way? It’s good that your other family supports you. How old are your children now? Who has advised you not to fight your ex over custody of your daughter and why?
It’s my understanding that it usually is best to wait until children bring up the subject of disordered behavior on the part of the sociopathic parent, before talking to them about it. Sociopaths will turn whatever you say against you and accuse you of parental alienation and whatever else they can think of. If you say anything negative about your ex you may be construed as angry, bitter, etc, even though your motivation is to protect your children. Consider if it would be best to just always remind your children that you are there for them if they ever need you, that they can talk to you about anything they are concerned about, and that they can come to you with any questions they have. Your children will most likely eventually see that their father is disordered, and they will know that you are there for them. Your example of unconditional love and conducting your life from your good character and good values is a powerful message.
Children often choose the sociopath parent if they have to choose, because they subconsciously know that the healthy normal parent will always love and accept them, but the sociopath’s ‘love’ is conditional and will be withdrawn, or worse, if they don’t choose him. Children innately don’t want their parents to reject nor harm them, so as a matter of survival they often choose the disordered parent, without really understanding why at the time.
Depending on your daughter’s age and whether she says she prefers your ex to have custody of her, you might consider fighting to retain custody.
It is very frustrating not to be able to protect your children and give them the best life possible. It sounds as though it may take awhile before you and your children will have good relationships, given the behavior of your sister and your ex.
This is going to be the hardest thing that you will EVER hear. Here it is.
There are times, when you have to let your own children go. I know. This is unthinkable. After being involved with a spath, it may become a necessary reality. You cannot fight and win against a spath. They stoop too low. You have to walk away and ignore all of them. Let them wallow together. Someday, the children who are not disordered, will come back into your life. Some children may never come back to you. Some children have the disorder passed genetically on to them.
As difficult as this is to process, the good news is that, you can go forward, and have a happy life. Happiness is made by you (ourselves). We learn that nobody will love us as much as we must love ourselves.
You/we are all you/we need. As trite and corny as that sounds. We can really rely ion no one, but ourselves. This is a learned lesson.
Btw, I have to say something about guilt. You must let it go. We can all hear that you are a loving mother who is at the end of her rope. Many of us have been there. You will not survive if you shoulder guilt. You have done nothing wrong. Letting your children go, won’t only save you, but believe it or not, it will save them (the non disordered ones at least) in the long run. The spath is unfit. Emotionally vapid. The children that are not disordered, will realize this on their own. (The ones who are disordered, will never ‘wake up’ or realize). You also can’t force that timeline, unfortunately. They are flying monkeys, right now, who do not want their illusion shattered. They (still) are living in a delusion/illusion.
You no longer are.
I have had (for the sake of my own sanity), to let go of our 3 sons. They’re NOT going to ‘grow up’,’wake up’,’come around’ or several other phrases meaning they WILL change into decent, loving men, who care, adore and love ME as their mother. I have No choice, but to keep going on, live as good a life as I can. All 3 are very devoted to their spath dad; as well as the grandkids. I have let go of any guilt, I did the best I could. Yes, its extremely hard to do, to be around and listen to others who ARE loved, adored and comforted by their grown kids/grandkids.
Well said. I agree with you, 100%.
S3S1,
I’ll tell you what I did when my kids displayed an ardent desire to be with spath-I helped pack their bags and arranged for them to be transported to him. Healthy kids would never choose to be with a sociopath and leave their mother-Never. In my experience Most teenagers go through a stage that includes resenting the parent that has been tried and true. But I know of few teenagers who would leave a loving mother. As painful as it is the children have chosen the other parent. They have a right to live with either parent even if the other parent is a sociopath. Water does find its own level. If you had a loving relationship with your children they’ll come back. If the relationship was a farse that will become appearant too. Pay your support and go find some happiness for yourself. Your sister, I have one of those myself, is not the root cause of your troubles with your kids. Your kids are the allowing themselves to be swayed by her and him. It’s about your kids who you have taught right from wrong. Take stalk in the family that is standing by you and cut your loses while you can.
AGREED.