UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as “new_day.” She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies.
I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, “Words may lie but actions always tell the truth.” The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!!
Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud.
Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the inability to trust another person’s actions again.
This is a very astute observation. Anyone who has tangled with a sociopath knows that they lie. They tell big lies, small lies, outrageous lies and stupid lies. Sociopaths lie while looking deep into your eyes and clasping your hand in theirs, promising that they will never lie to you.
Unfortunately, humans are lousy lie detectors, especially in the beginning of a romantic involvement, as the liar is showering you with affection. When the sweet words include, “I’ll love you forever,” and “You’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life,” well, who doesn’t want to believe them?
Words and actions
The standard advice regarding sociopaths is to ignore their words and pay attention to their actions. But as this reader, new_day, points out, sometimes you can’t pay attention to their actions either.
The actions of a sociopath may lie as well. They may take you out for a romantic dinner, play with your kids, help you take care of your house, buy flowers for your mother.
Usually, when someone engages in behaviors like these it’s because they want to show that they care about you. When sociopaths take what seems to be caring, thoughtful actions, they have an agenda. They are behaving in a socially appropriate way because they are reeling you in for future exploitation, or creating an image that will benefit them in other exploitation projects.
Of course, you know this now, most likely after learning the hard way. So what does all this mean for your recovery? How do you move forward in life, and build new relationships, when you feel like you can’t trust people’s words — and you can’t trust people’s actions.
You learn to trust yourself.
And how do you do that? By focusing on your own healing.
Trusting your internal signals
If you’re like most people who became involved with sociopaths, you knew in your gut, from early in the involvement, that something was wrong. The story didn’t add up; you had a bad feeling; you sensed something was amiss. But you didn’t listen to yourself.
The biggest reason why you didn’t trust your instincts was probably because you didn’t know that sociopaths existed. You didn’t know that people live among us who look just like us, but have no heart, no conscience and no remorse.
Read more: Sociopaths say you’re crazy — and you believe them
Now you know. You have the empirical knowledge to make sense of those internal warnings, if you ever feel them again.
But when you have a general mistrust of everyone, how do you differentiate between legitimate internal warnings and imagined internal warnings ?
Value in healing
That’s where the healing comes in. With healing, you become comfortable with the concept that while most people are basically good, a certain segment of the population is not.
With healing, you learn to value yourself. You come to understand that you’re the one who knows what is best for you. You feel comfortable walking away from anyone or anything that doesn’t feel right, without waiting for objective proof that the situation is bad.
Now, even a good, solid recovery may not totally prevent sociopaths from coming into your life. There are simply too many of them among us, they’re everywhere, and they’re very, very good at their acts. So they may fool you for awhile.
But with recovery, they won’t fool you for long. And when you know that with sociopaths words and actions can both be lies, and your instincts start emitting warnings, you’ll know what they mean.
Here’s how I define success in spotting sociopaths: It’s not keeping them out of your life entirely. It’s getting them out of your life before they do serious damage.
When you learn to trust yourself, you can achieve that success.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Feb. 8, 2016.
The narcissist and the ‘Drama Triangle’
Yes…no son.
I’m having difficulty finding my own story on here . One reader was especially helpful when I posted my story and I would like to review what she wrote . Perhaps someone can tell me how to go back to my own story so that I can review her comments ?Thank you .
Did you post your story as a comment? If so, try typing your name in the search comments box, on the left right above the “Join Lovefraud” form.
This question about how to find my comments is all that pops up . I wrote in ” Tell Your Story ” section
cynthia linn – We don’t have a “tell your story” section. I think you might have posted it on some other website.
Hi Diane111, your welcome hon. We have all been exactly were you are…feeling stuck in the situation not understanding why we cant escape. For me like I have shared I felt like my h (now ex) put a bird cage over my head to control my mind from thinking freely.
Throw in the anxiety & depression from our bodies dealing with the daily stress that the sociopath creates it’s no wonder when you are in their tornado we can only think about surviving each day and not think about escaping.
The fear of escape is scary…the sociopath has manipulated our brains so much with all their mind games that we are afraid of being alone and also fear the outside world. Once strong now we are fearful of the outside world.
But I can tell you that it only takes a short time to adjust back towards loving your freedom. Yes their is work to sort out our minds & that takes time. But Once I found out from a counselor exactly who my h was I was DONE with him…
I had my answers to what I was praying for = why my h behaved the way he did. The other answer was he was NEVER EVER going to change! Once I grasp this I was done, done, done!! My up bringing myth about marriage was “Marriage is hard work” what I know now is NO marriage is not hard work if you are with a normal person it is just work. But with a sociopath it’s hardwork really it’s just HELL. Their daily mood swings, their mind games, their cheating, lying, manipulation etc is hard work to deal with this is why escaping is the only way to have a normal health life.
Diane, no one is a “Saint” not even the Saints 🙂 . We all make mistakes…we all at times might not treat some as nicely as we should but the BIG difference is a normal person like you & me (& others here) will look back at the situation and realize that we could have handled that particular situation better…a normal person can look inside and make corrections. A sociopath can not do this their brains do not function like ours. They have no introspective ability.
DO NOT hold on to your mistakes hon…think about what you would have done differently…grow from your mistakes and then release them. I like the saying “WHEN WE KNOW, BETTER WE DO BETTER” so now you know how to do things better. & you will do things better in the future.
DIANE YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL!! REMEMBER THIS. (read that a few more times!!!)
EVERY GOOD PERSON HAS SOMETHING THAT THEY BRING TO THE TABLE….EVERY GOOD PERSON LIKE YOU!! You have great qualities but your husband has manipulated you with his mind games to make you feel worthless, to make you feel that you can not survive without him. YOU are not worthless & you can & will survive without him.
Diane your mind is opening up to the reality of your life…you are seeing your husband for who he is…you are slowly taking the rose colored glasses off to see the true reality of your marriage. THIS IS A GOOD THING….it’s scary to do this…it’s scary to think that you are with a extremely dangerous man. IT’s easier for us to stay in our safe mindset of just walking on egg shells then to see the truth. But like the old saying states “THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE”!!!!
Focus on the truth. Take time to see your husbands true behavior without the rose color glasses on. Dont engage in a fight with him when you see his behavior…bite your tongue for your safety & call the abuse center counselor to help you with your EXIT PLAN out.
YES, the sociopath will have their victims all walking on egg shells with each other…you are in protection mode for your sweet puppy but you have to keep seeing thing for how they truly are & escape the hell that you and your puppy are enduring.
It’s “crazy & messed up” how the sociopath can control us as if we are little kids being controlled by our parents to act proper. Yet the sociopath wants us to act like adults all the other times i.e. responsible for the bills, the house cleaning, the food on the table etc etc. I look back and can not believe that I allowed myself to be treated this way.
But like someone wrote in their great main post it is like a frog being put in a pot of water…if the water was boiling the frog would jump out instead the sociopath slowly turns up the temperature of the pot of water (control level) and the frog has no idea their life is in grave danger….same with us victims the sociopath slowly turns up the control level and then we just adjust to their craziness to survive each day. If the sociopath drop his mask the first time we met them guess what we would have RUN FAST away instead they do it slowly with gas lighting & pity play manipulation.
I think writing things down is a huge plus because we start to see the sociopaths pattern of behavior…we have to remember that our minds are in survival mode when living with a sociopath so we can think about these patterns we see them but we can connect the dots…when you write them down you clearly see the dots connected.
PAT YOURS SELF ON THE BACK DIANE…you are doing your homework & it is opening your mind up slowly to what you are living in everyday = hell. THIS IS GREAT DIANE…so give yourself a huge high five. Little steps = RUNNING FAST AWAY.
Give your sweet little puppy a big hug from me…and tell him to give you a big hug from me too 💜
Chat with you tomorrow. 🌴
Hey Jan7,
You truly are my LF BFF 🙂
I do bite my tongue, more times than not. Like I said in an earlier post, he’s trained me … conditioned me, to not go up against him, BUT he has in no way won!!
Last night before he went to work, there was another incident with the puppy. Totally understand that the puppy needs to be trained, etc., BUT my h is not “training”, he is being abusive. His anger and meanness is out of control. After the incident, he left to go to work (thank the Good Lord)(he works the 12-hour DuPont shift). Anyways, as soon as he pulled out of the driveway, my adrenalin kicked in and I was on a mission! I was SO angry at him and how he treated the puppy … I needed to escape … to run! I packed up a lot more of my things into boxes and bags and took them to my house. I truly cannot wait to be there full-time! When I got back, I continued to put stuff in order, making a list, room-by-room, of what is mine so when that time comes, I’m organized and the move can be quick! I’m still in safety-mode … watching what I say and do … being careful, but I can feel the day is quickly approaching.
I’m pretty sure I told you this before, but when I put my name in for the puppy, I knew the puppy would be ready in January. I was so positive that I would be out of there by then … in my house … right after Christmas, and it would be me and the puppy. When I realized that no, I wasn’t going to be out of there … that I was still stuck in my mental hell … I knew the puppy would have to come live with both of us. I then starting thinking the way you did with your cat, “the puppy is going to get accustomed to his house and his yard, etc., I won’t be able to take the puppy with me and I can’t leave the puppy behind”. I really started to think and believe that my choice to get the puppy just added to my situation … to keep me from leaving … to keep me chained to my h. I berated myself for being so stupid. “Now what are you going to do Diane!” Little did I know that in a two week time frame, this puppy would come to actually be what saves me … and him.
My h has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me but never physical. However, not only is he being verbally and emotionally abusive to puppy, he’s being physical. This scares the hell out of me. My leaving is imperative now more than ever.
I’ll be back in touch later tonight or tomorrow. ((HUGS)) to you Jan 7!!
Diane111,
Hi there.
I logged in to see how Terry, Donna’s husband is doing and am so happy to hear he is doing well!
I saw your post and remember some of your posts from awhile back and see you are about to move out.
Great news.
Just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you.
Also you mentioned you are looking for some counseling, great idea!
I know Donna does consultations, given Terrys health IDK if she is doing the now but I did a consult with her awhile back and was very helpful.
I pray for your safe move.
Does he know about it?
Please stay safe.
The National Domestic Violence website has some info about a safe exit plan.
Please let us know you are safe.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Stronginthecity, thank you for posting to Diane. Great post.
Jan7,
Thank you!
Right back at you, your posts are always amazing.
Thank you, thank you and thank you for all of your support to me and everyone else here.
Blessings to you,
Stronginthecity
Hi Stronginthecity!
How sweet of you to reach out and check on me and offer your continued support. You have no idea what that did for me … how that made me feel. Brought to tears to my eyes .. just knowing I’m not alone and that there are people who are there for me and totally understand what I’m thinking and feeling and going through. Thank you!
I do plan on contacting Donna. I need someone who can listen and give me guidance and strength, and she would be that person.
Definitely, I will keep in touch on here as this all plays out so no one worries.
Hugs,
Diane111
Diane111,
I am always thinking of my LF sisters.
I hope you are staying strong and as clear headed as possible going through this.
We are here for you, please be safe.
Hugs,
SITC
Diane111,
You are blessed to have the support of your family and friends.
That support is immeasurable!
You can do this and will be just fine.
I love that you are talking about what you plan to do after the move…Moving on with life!!!
Love it!
Stronginthecity
Hi Diane111, you have chosen to see your husband as he truly is…this is a BIG BIG step Diane. I am proud of you for taking action while he was at work. Silence in this case IS golden!!
Please remember that you do not have to move alone…ask your sister & most trusted friends to help you. You have a list that you can give to them the day you want to leave him. They can help pack each room up for you. Team work is the best action.
Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back Diane!! Great thinking on your part (again!!).
I am sorry that your sweet puppy is getting abused makes me sad. But I am so glad that he has a wonderful mom (you) who is going to give him (her?) the most amazing life!!
Yes, It’s really amazing how our own minds play tricks on us…to stay in a abusive marriage…looking back I realized that my sweet kitty was living in a very stressful environment because of my ex. It saddens me when I look back and realize that she would have naturally adjusted to her new home had I left then. Just like your sweet puppy will adjust to his new home & yard & neighborhood. Dogs are much more easy going in new environments then cats. So I have no worries that your sweet puppy will be happy go lucky as long is he is with you ðŸ•ðŸŒ²
I just want to remind you of a few thinks that I posted for you:
1) the most dangerous time for a woman living in a abusive relationship is when she is ready to leave or has left. This is why it is imperative that you have help from your local abuse center for a Safety Plan. I know it is difficult for you to go to your local abuse center so please call them and talk to them about a Safety Plan.
2) Think about installing a home security system in your new home. I would highly recommend if you can afford it to higher a company that will install it and also monitor the alarm system meaning if the alarm goes off they will call you at home to see if every thing is ok or they will call the police. If you can not afford that type of security then look into a security system that takes battery and are very easy to install. You can find these types at your local hardware store or a large store like Home Depot or Lowes they start around $100 for a full system and about $15 per door for individual window/door purchase.
3) Tell your family and most trusted friends exactly what you are planning. Have them do daily wellness checkin calls to you several times a day when not at work. That way if you do not talk to them they can call the police if they feel something is not right for your safety.
4) Remember that when anyone has a breakup our bodies release high levels or cortisol & adrenaline. This is the anxiety that we feel. When you live with a sociopath you already have extremely high levels of cortisol & adrenaline levels in your body but when you leave guess what they WILL go through the roof. So talk to your doctor about what you are planing to do and how you can deal with the stress level you will be under. When you leave have a cortisol levels test conducted by a endocrinologist see sites like Adrenalfaitgue. org & Dr Lam.com for more info.
The stress level when you leave can be scary & over whelming to deal with along with all the emotions that will be coming up so just know that any time you can call the National Domestic Violence hotline & also your local center to talk with a counselor. Remember you have suppressed you feeling for years and they will be coming up so talk them out with a counselor and write your thoughts down.
Donna has written articles about how common it is for victims of abuse to grab a few glass of wine or drugs RX or not to calm themselves down but it is better to go to a specialist to help you naturally to calm your body down so that you do not end up with an addiction of any kind.
5) If your remember in your original post Donna of love fraud suggest that you go away for your safety. So if you can do this then do it. IF you can not then see if you can stay at a friends or family members home for your safely. Be sure to let them know that they will need to call the police if he comes by their home. Vacation with friends maybe??
6) MOST IMPORTANT FOLLOW YOUR GUT!!!
I can not stress this enough. When you are under the sociopaths mind control we do not listen to our gut alarms going off but when you leave you MUST listen to your gut…that little voice that is telling you he is say walking in your back yard at night listen to it and call the police immediately. Tell them that you just left your abusive husband and ask them to include your home on their nightly watch.
7) KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
This is a huge step when you first leave. While living under the sociopath we fall into two realms one that we become dependent on our mate because of their manipulating but also we become isolated and forget to ask for help. ASK FOR HELP it is ok…it is ok to reach out in your time of need. Down the road when you are healed you too will help others.
I am proud of you Diane. Be proud of yourself!!! 💜
Take care. Chat with you tomorrow 💜
Hi Jan7,
The time and thought you put in to your comments to me are so very much appreciated and make such a positive impact on me. You make me feel emotionally strong, understood and good about myself. I AM proud of what I’ve accomplished so far ïŠ I do hope one day to help others as you have helped and continue to help me.
Your reminders above will definitely be adhered to ” safety being the main one. I have and continue to cover my steps. I have looked at security systems and will be getting one installed. My family is aware of everything and will be there, not only to help move, but to check on me. My one friend’s main role is to keep me emotionally intact so I don’t lose it with the stress OR question my gut-instincts. I wish my h would go somewhere for a few days ” would make this move so much easier and less stressful, BUT I’m going to have to do this while he’s at work. At least he works 12 hours shifts versus 8. Another downfall to this is that his two brother live right next door ” won’t be able to do this very covertly. And no need to be concerned with drugs (prescription or otherwise), but I do like wine 😉 ” BUT truly no worries there either ” my grandchildren keep me grounded ” LOVE them with all my heart. I’ll become addicted to renovating my house, working in my gardens, walking my dog, taking mini-trips with the kids, visiting my family, etc. My addiction will be LIFE!
Last night was uneventful. Quiet. Calm. But as you know, this doesn’t last very long. And even though it was uneventful, I was still on edge waiting for something to happen” you’re never at ease ” never relaxed. I stopped at a local store and picked up some things the puppy will need at his new home. We will be SO happy and relaxed there ” no more eggshells ïŠ
Okay ” back to work I must go. Will chat again tomorrow.
((HUGS))
Diane
Hi Diane111, I am glad that you are emotionally stronger by my words. So many lifted me up after I left my h after finding out the truth from a counselor and without them I would have been lost. So I am glad that my words are helping you.
You are doing so many right things to start your new life. POWERFUL!! I am so glad that you have a strong friend who knows to help keep you emotionally intact and reminds you to follow your gut…what a blessing to have this friend in your corner.
I want you to know that you can always call your local police station ahead of your move & ask them it they could come to the home while you are moving out. This process happens office you can also have your local abuse center assist you with this process. So know that you have protection from your h brother’s and also know that if your h is called while moving out you have the police there to intervene and keep the process calm should he show up while you are moving.
Glad that you have your grandchildren to keep you smiling & your sweet puppy too 💜no doubt each will help you to heal.
No more egg shells….one of the things that I often read after someone has left and had time to process everything they endured is they always say that it is so nice not to be walking on egg shells all day home. PEACE is a blessing. You will have this blessing soon also.
Your puppy is going to LOVE his new home…and all the nice things you bought for him. Look out though he is going to reward all your love with big sloppy kiss LOL ðŸ•ðŸ˜‹
Huge hugs to you. Chat with you tomorrow. Take care.