UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as “new_day.” She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies.
I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, “Words may lie but actions always tell the truth.” The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!!
Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud.
Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the inability to trust another person’s actions again.
This is a very astute observation. Anyone who has tangled with a sociopath knows that they lie. They tell big lies, small lies, outrageous lies and stupid lies. Sociopaths lie while looking deep into your eyes and clasping your hand in theirs, promising that they will never lie to you.
Unfortunately, humans are lousy lie detectors, especially in the beginning of a romantic involvement, as the liar is showering you with affection. When the sweet words include, “I’ll love you forever,” and “You’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life,” well, who doesn’t want to believe them?
Words and actions
The standard advice regarding sociopaths is to ignore their words and pay attention to their actions. But as this reader, new_day, points out, sometimes you can’t pay attention to their actions either.
The actions of a sociopath may lie as well. They may take you out for a romantic dinner, play with your kids, help you take care of your house, buy flowers for your mother.
Usually, when someone engages in behaviors like these it’s because they want to show that they care about you. When sociopaths take what seems to be caring, thoughtful actions, they have an agenda. They are behaving in a socially appropriate way because they are reeling you in for future exploitation, or creating an image that will benefit them in other exploitation projects.
Of course, you know this now, most likely after learning the hard way. So what does all this mean for your recovery? How do you move forward in life, and build new relationships, when you feel like you can’t trust people’s words — and you can’t trust people’s actions.
You learn to trust yourself.
And how do you do that? By focusing on your own healing.
Trusting your internal signals
If you’re like most people who became involved with sociopaths, you knew in your gut, from early in the involvement, that something was wrong. The story didn’t add up; you had a bad feeling; you sensed something was amiss. But you didn’t listen to yourself.
The biggest reason why you didn’t trust your instincts was probably because you didn’t know that sociopaths existed. You didn’t know that people live among us who look just like us, but have no heart, no conscience and no remorse.
Read more: Sociopaths say you’re crazy — and you believe them
Now you know. You have the empirical knowledge to make sense of those internal warnings, if you ever feel them again.
But when you have a general mistrust of everyone, how do you differentiate between legitimate internal warnings and imagined internal warnings ?
Value in healing
That’s where the healing comes in. With healing, you become comfortable with the concept that while most people are basically good, a certain segment of the population is not.
With healing, you learn to value yourself. You come to understand that you’re the one who knows what is best for you. You feel comfortable walking away from anyone or anything that doesn’t feel right, without waiting for objective proof that the situation is bad.
Now, even a good, solid recovery may not totally prevent sociopaths from coming into your life. There are simply too many of them among us, they’re everywhere, and they’re very, very good at their acts. So they may fool you for awhile.
But with recovery, they won’t fool you for long. And when you know that with sociopaths words and actions can both be lies, and your instincts start emitting warnings, you’ll know what they mean.
Here’s how I define success in spotting sociopaths: It’s not keeping them out of your life entirely. It’s getting them out of your life before they do serious damage.
When you learn to trust yourself, you can achieve that success.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Feb. 8, 2016.
The narcissist and the ‘Drama Triangle’
Bev, thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story about your family and your son. That has to be the most shattering experience a family can go through – a father being falsely accused of abusing/molesting their child. My heart aches for you and your husband and what this son of yours has dragged you through. Such a tragedy, one that you can never truly get over.
I grew up with a sociopath – my sister, although it took me until I was 55 with the help of extensive reading on personality disorders, to understand what I was dealing with. It breaks down like this: My parents were her targeted “victims”. They had what she wanted: money. So when they were in their late 70’s she carried out a very calculated plan to become the sibling in total charge (control) of them. She began by pretending to return to Catholicism and started going to church with them on Sundays and brunch afterward. She knew The easiest way to gain my parents’ trust and loyalty was to go through the motions of practicing their religion. It was funny to watch knowing that at the same time she was fervently blessing herself with holy water, going to communion, genuflecting in front of the churchgoers (all an act), she was cheating on her live-in boyfriend with another bum she hooked up with. After my dad passed away at 81 she seized control of our elderly mother (and her sizeable assets. Not long after his funeral she dropped the religious act as it was no longer needed. It had served it’s purpose – she was seen by all my parents’ friends and family at our dad’s funeral portraying the holy daughter, which would serve to establish that she is the “good” daughter, the one to be trusted. As the family member that sees through her the most clearly, I was targeted for destruction by her. To accomplish that she had to discredit me and work to make everyone mistrust me. So the character assassination began and is still going on several years later. She has made some crazy accusations of me that are bordering on the absurd to drive a wedge between me and my mom, and the rest of the family as well. I think I have discussed some of her tactics on this site before, so I won’t bore everyone with the details. But even though I cut ties with her about 8 years ago, I still have to see her when I visit my mom. It makes it very hard to even want to make a trip (800 mi away) to visit my elderly mom. I never know what I am going to be accused of after visiting her. My sister always seems to come up with something. The hardest part for me has been my mom’s unfailing loyalty to my sister and automatic siding with her any time an accusation or dispute arises. I have resigned myself to the fact that it is out of my control and I can’t really have anything but a superficial relationship with my elderly mother now. I can’t tell her where my son will be doing his rotations for medical school – my sister would just LOVE to sabotage his future career. I can’t tell my mom anything about either of my kids or my husband. I have learned that it will somehow be used against me and my family. So my sister’s plan has worked pretty well so far, and I haven’t been able to convince anyone of her evil agenda. No one understands or “gets” it. I just have to sit back and watch it play out. Once my mother passes away I think that will be the end of my having to deal with my sister altogether. I sure do hope so anyway. I can finally close the wound and forget she exists. Sorry if my comment is kind of rambling…
Bev, I understand the pain you have endured as a mother dealing with your son. It is such a heart wrenching story and so sorry you had to go through that. I wish there was a way to erase your pain, but anyone whose life has been touched by a sociopath knows that the pain never goes away, we just learn to live with it.
The foster parents that took in your son…from what you described they were being used by him for the purpose of triangulation. In other words, proving that it is YOU that are the problem, since the foster parents think he’s just a misunderstood angel. The games and manipulation sociopaths use are endless and tiresome to a normal person. But it helps to understand the motive behind their actions – everything points to their agenda.
Thank you, Wounded1, for also sharing your story.
How sad and tragic for us. It does seem like the pain never stops. Just when I think ‘I got this’…I get devastated all over again.
I do not know how my husband and myself even survived all of this. We have been together for 40 years! We met at 14 and 15 years of age. We should have had some great kids…but it was never to be. I am over that part. That ship sailed long ago. Now, it is just old wounds that don’t seem to ever heal.
Your sister is almost too surreal to be true. Do you ever feel that way? Some of the things that SPs do are unfathomable. Most of the things. It is beyond screwed up. I can’t even talk about my son to people that I meet. It is simply too unbelievable for people to take in.
I have had people ask me, ‘why would your son say that about his father’ ‘children don’t lie’…my son is living freaking proof, that they can, in fact, lie. Why did he do it? It will haunt us forever. It is too devastating and evil to simply just get over it happening. I have been asked that, before as well. ‘Can’t you just forgive, and forget, and move on’? Then, I start to feel like a bad person again…not wanting anything to do with my own son.
Yes, it has been a heartbreaking shattering experience. I just wish that the pain would end or just disappear…but it never really does, completely. What helps more than anything is having NO CONTACT in any way, shape. or form, with our son. It is the only thing that helps at all. There is no alternative.
HIS foster parents were wonderful people, however, they are of the opinion that he is the way that he is because we put him into care. It’s like they have forgotten WHY we did it. We told them everything. They, in turn, had him reassessed with the same diagnosis. I do not understand what they are thinking. They have fostered many children, and also had 5 of their own, so I think that they simply believe that one can ‘love’ things away.If you love enough, everything will be fine. Our son uses them as well, and has badmouthed them to us and his ex on many occasions. I always chastised him for that when we had contact with him. I can only imagine what he says about us…
Yes, it seems HIS agenda is to appear ‘normal and good’ in other peoples’ eyes. He is exactly the opposite of those things. People who don’t know him very well, think that he is a great guy. If they get to know him, and not many people do because he slips in and out of lives quite fast, then they don’t like him. I know that his foster family knows that there is something wrong with him. They just won’t admit it. Perhaps it means failure, for them, if they do? Who knows. They could not ‘help’ or ‘fix’ him either, sort of thing, perhaps.
I am sorry for what you and we have been through. It literally sucks. We are on this site, though, helping each other, and that is something good, right?
Thank you for hearing me. I hear you too.
Bev,
Your story is so important and powerful. It speaks to lies, the damage lies create and just because they are six doesn’t make it true. You and your husband survived this terrible tradegy and you saw your son for what he was. You and your husband went on and made a life together. Not the life you imagined but a life, with a loving man. The dreams that we had when the SP came into our lives which spiral into a never-ending nightmare, resulting in us in the gutter. We become find ourselves becoming labeled, pointed at, things are said that do not reflect us as people but rather the SP’s destruction of our good names. We hold our head up high in the wake of this, because we know the truth. It is always easier to place blame on the victim of the Spath when the Spath does not target the blamer.
That is so true, becomingstrong. So true.
We envisioned our lives completely different that they have turned out.
We still have to do the best that we can with what we’ve got.
Our children, if disordered to not have to be the be all end all in our lives. Sometimes, we just have to walk away.
Or RUN Bev.
Yes…RUN.
Hi Diane111, just checking on you to see how you are doing.
Hi Jan7!! I think we got lost amongst the various blogs. Glad we’re back in touch. Not sure if I posted the following or not … it was still on my laptop, and I usually delete once I post.
You are such a lifeline for me, Jan7! ((HUGS))
You are SO fortunate to be out of your spath marriage!! I cannot wait for the day that I will be able to help someone on LF get through what I’m currently going through ” give them support and encouragement and guidance because I survived ïŠ
O.N.Ward’s questions (earlier post) were very eye-opening for me ” well, more so, my answers to the questions. Got me to thinking and this mind-fog I’ve been in has started to clear. And NotWhatHeSaidofMe (earlier post) provided me with things to think about too which are keeping me on the right path. There’s hope for me yet!
I am being as careful as I possibly can be ” I know I have to be. The reading, that’s not on my Kindle, I keep at work in my desk. I get an hour for lunch, so I close my office door and sit at my desk and read. I search out anything and everything that will help maintain my sanity and give me the strength to persevere. I just started reading “Why does he do that” plus I’ve read two of Donna’s book, I do have my exit plan in place ïŠ
I do plan on contacting someone to schedule phone counseling and maybe even an actual session or two. Although LF and the support group here are extremely helpful to me, I believe I could benefit from actual one-on-one conversations ” that human contact, I guess you could say.
I went up to my house last night and did some work ” loved it. I was happy and relaxed and envisioned me being there all the time. Did a lot of praying there too. Looking forward to the “mental peace”.
Oh, remember when I told you about checking his iPad, where I could see his text messages??? Well, guess who changed his password??!! He definitely is playing games with me ” and with my mind.
Right now, I’m feeling very strong mentally, but tomorrow I fear he’ll do or say something that will make me confused again. I’ll never be free from this mind-craziness living with him.
Thanks, Jan ”
RE: “The biggest reason why you didn’t trust your instincts was probably because you didn’t know that sociopaths existed.”
There were far more reasons than that. Such as:
She had an instant explanation for everything.
Her “friends” would always back up her stories.
When you have an active sex life, it is difficult to believe that your “soulmate” could possibly be cheating on you with several other people. – Even when you have solid evidence of it.
Bev, thank you for your thoughtful post. You point out one of the most alienating aspects of having to deal with a sociopath in your statement: “Your sister is almost too surreal to be true. Do you ever feel that way? Some of the things that SPs do are unfathomable. Most of the things. It is beyond screwed up. I can’t even talk about my son to people that I meet. It is simply too unbelievable for people to take in.”
That is so very true. I find that I can only confide in one close friend and my husband about my socio sister because it almost makes me feel like I am being perceived as crazy just by sharing it. If someone has never experienced similar “crazy” they just don’t relate to it and have a very hard time believing it. They are more likely to think I am a little off and maybe even lying or making things up. So it makes me withdraw and not talk about the sociopath at all with others. But the pain from the abuse is still very real and ongoing.
The worst pain for me is not being able to have a normal close relationship with my elderly mom because she is close to socio sis. I can’t share anything with her that I don’t want socio sis to know and later use as ammunition against me. So I have had to emotionally withdraw and not have a real honest relationship with my mom, which has been tough. I feel very detached from her and the rest of my family of origin. The “divide and conquer” measures my sister has used have been pretty effective in isolating me. But not much I can do except just move on and live my life. After all, how much does my mom really care about me anyway, when any complaints I have against my sister are ignored and flat-out denied? My only choice is to stop caring one way or the other.
That’s is how I feel as well. I have had to withdraw from certain people in my husband’s family, because they could never believe that one of ‘their family’ has a big enough problem that actually harms other people. That has a big enough problem that his own mother would ‘want’ nothing to do with him. That is how they look at it, too. Like it is MY problem…that I am the one who can’t deal with a son that is simply different or misunderstood. Poor him.
The lasting effects of this life are so real and painful. They just keep coming, in many different forms.
Meeting new people is sort of a no go for me as well. There is always that inevitable question…do you have any children? I never want to say yes, because then, the second question comes…and the third…and so on. How many questions in do I have to reveal that I have no contact with him…and then, why?? That’s when the ‘crazy’ comes into things, and, well, I just do not put myself ‘there’ any more.
My son’s antisocial personality disorder had inadvertently, made ME antisocial…more convoluted clusterf***…
Hi Bev,
Always comforting to find you posting. I read your reply to wounded. I think your within your rights to tell people you don’t have a son. I too don’t know how to answer the simplest questions, how old are they, what school do they attend? How do I answer that? My life has been in embers for a long time and I just am going to pick up and leave town when all is said and done. Battling just to be divorced has spiraled into so many sub battles all draining and costly. Fighting for one inch of ground I liken to the Battle of the Bulge. I think it’s good to know who you can lean on and trust and go forward carrying less of a load.
Update: I found an attorney after meeting with 1 very unscrupulous one. Boy was that energy depleting experience (the things you are subjected to when you are involved with a spath). Renewed energy and cautiously optimistic about my new attorney. Hope you are well.
Oh, becomingstrong, that is wonderful that you are optimistic about your new attorney!
Yes, the things that we are subjected to being involved with a spath. Things you aren’t even expecting that seem to come out of nowhere!
I often want to say that I have no children, but it is difficult for me to even tell a lie like that! Silly me…I can’t help but be truthful.
One thing I do know for sure is that HE has never felt like what a son should ‘feel’ like. No son of mine would do the things that he does or stoop as low as he does. That actually comforts me, in a weird way. He is not a product of me!
So happy to hear about your new attorney. May this person turn everything around the way that it should be!!
Bev,
I looked up the word disown. I can’t figure out how to post it. I think to refuse to acknowledge your son isn’t lying. Now if the question is “did you give birth?”- That would be different. Decide what is best for you. I know I would have no problem.
Yes…I only gave birth…that is for certain.
Have I ‘had’ a child? Yes. Do I have a child…NO.
Yes Bev that’s right. Do you have a son? No